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My blog expresses my views and thoughts and in no way intends to offend however that does not guarantee it wont.

I write in a stream of consciousness and sometimes the odd typo or bad grammar may appear - please excuse these.

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Saturday, May 18, 2013

The Fat Girl in the Mirror and an Ah Ha Moment

Today when I weighed myself I was surprised to see 95.6 kgs appear as I have been stuck on a plateau again and really felt that this week was a week of putting on rather than losing.

This weight loss journey does your head in, especially when you need to lose a lot of weight, but I can say that I am now down around 30kgs from when I was at my heaviest.  I remember weighing in at 125kg and some odd ounces when I started Curves a few years ago - I was probably at my heaviest then, so 30 kgs down is something to celebrate.  Which means I am about 22 kgs down from when I started this journey in December.

Strangely though, I still see the fat girl in the mirror, and of course I am still classed at obese, and even at my goal weight of 76kgs I will be overweight by the BMI.  But that fat woman, is still there when I honestly look at myself.   Those who have known me for a while can see the difference, but I still struggle.

I think it is partly because I am now wearing smaller clothes, I'm down from a 24-26 to a 20 and from XL to M, so adjusting the clothes means they fit rather than swallow me, if that makes sense.

The other day I put on one of the my old outfits and took it straight off again as it overwhelmed me.

But then, I also tried on an outfit the other day before we went out and hubby was so complimentary I took it off - I know strange.  But we were going to my bosses house and I knew there would be people there who hadn't seem me for a while and I didn't want the whole - WOW look at you experience.   I really don't like drawing attention to the fact I am shrinking, or the feeling that when I was bigger I was invisible and now I'm not.  Didn't help though, as I still got a lot of people congratulating me or commenting on how much weight I had lost.

I mean it's not that I am not happy to talk about my weight loss surgery, in fact I want to shout it to the world, but I am quite an introverted person, I like to blend in and not be the centre of attention.

I was talking to my eldest daughter today about how the fat girl is still there in my head and she quite rightly told me that she had been there for so long that I probably will take a while to lose her.  How did she get so smart??

I did have an Ah Ha moment though.  Hubby and I went to Ovo (an amazing experience) and about half way through the show I suddenly realised I wasn't huddled against hubby, but that I had space and that my butt was sitting comfortably on the seat.  We have seen all the shows and I must say the seats are not generous and I always sit really close to hubby (luckily he has a skinny butt) so that I don't encroach on the person next to me.  This time I didn't have to do that, I was comfortably sitting on my seat and he was on his.  When I mentioned that to him, he said he missed me snuggling, but was thrilled that I was so happy with this Ah Ha moment.

I have even gone and bought some new bras (much smaller) and didn't feel anywhere near as uncomfortable when the fitter came in to check the bra was the right size.  I always used to hate that in the past, but suddenly I felt more comfortable.

I still have a long way to go and it is getting harder.  I lost 18 kgs from when I started the VLCD to six weeks post surgery and only another 4 kgs in the eight weeks since.  Not being able to exercise with this bloody knee and lower back is an issue which is not helping, but as long as I am moving down I can't let myself get discouraged.

Hopefully I will continue to have some Ah Ha moments to help me on my way and before I know it the fat girl will be gone, replaced by a nicely rounded woman, full of vitality and life.  I'm kind of looking forward to getting to know her.

Thanks for popping by xxxx


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