The Fat Girl in the Mirror and an Ah Ha Moment

Today when I weighed myself I was surprised to see 95.6 kgs appear as I have been stuck on a plateau again and really felt that this week was a week of putting on rather than losing.

This weight loss journey does your head in, especially when you need to lose a lot of weight, but I can say that I am now down around 30kgs from when I was at my heaviest.  I remember weighing in at 125kg and some odd ounces when I started Curves a few years ago - I was probably at my heaviest then, so 30 kgs down is something to celebrate.  Which means I am about 22 kgs down from when I started this journey in December.

Strangely though, I still see the fat girl in the mirror, and of course I am still classed at obese, and even at my goal weight of 76kgs I will be overweight by the BMI.  But that fat woman, is still there when I honestly look at myself.   Those who have known me for a while can see the difference, but I still struggle.

I think it is partly because I am now wearing smaller clothes, I'm down from a 24-26 to a 20 and from XL to M, so adjusting the clothes means they fit rather than swallow me, if that makes sense.

The other day I put on one of the my old outfits and took it straight off again as it overwhelmed me.

But then, I also tried on an outfit the other day before we went out and hubby was so complimentary I took it off - I know strange.  But we were going to my bosses house and I knew there would be people there who hadn't seem me for a while and I didn't want the whole - WOW look at you experience.   I really don't like drawing attention to the fact I am shrinking, or the feeling that when I was bigger I was invisible and now I'm not.  Didn't help though, as I still got a lot of people congratulating me or commenting on how much weight I had lost.

I mean it's not that I am not happy to talk about my weight loss surgery, in fact I want to shout it to the world, but I am quite an introverted person, I like to blend in and not be the centre of attention.

I was talking to my eldest daughter today about how the fat girl is still there in my head and she quite rightly told me that she had been there for so long that I probably will take a while to lose her.  How did she get so smart??

I did have an Ah Ha moment though.  Hubby and I went to Ovo (an amazing experience) and about half way through the show I suddenly realised I wasn't huddled against hubby, but that I had space and that my butt was sitting comfortably on the seat.  We have seen all the shows and I must say the seats are not generous and I always sit really close to hubby (luckily he has a skinny butt) so that I don't encroach on the person next to me.  This time I didn't have to do that, I was comfortably sitting on my seat and he was on his.  When I mentioned that to him, he said he missed me snuggling, but was thrilled that I was so happy with this Ah Ha moment.

I have even gone and bought some new bras (much smaller) and didn't feel anywhere near as uncomfortable when the fitter came in to check the bra was the right size.  I always used to hate that in the past, but suddenly I felt more comfortable.

I still have a long way to go and it is getting harder.  I lost 18 kgs from when I started the VLCD to six weeks post surgery and only another 4 kgs in the eight weeks since.  Not being able to exercise with this bloody knee and lower back is an issue which is not helping, but as long as I am moving down I can't let myself get discouraged.

Hopefully I will continue to have some Ah Ha moments to help me on my way and before I know it the fat girl will be gone, replaced by a nicely rounded woman, full of vitality and life.  I'm kind of looking forward to getting to know her.

Thanks for popping by xxxx

Now For Something A Little Different

It seems my last few posts have been very much about my health, my weight loss and my bariatric surgery, so now for something a little different, cause there are lots of other things that have been happening in my life.

So what's been happening in these parts in 2013?  We can start with my surgery in Jan and then move quickly to the 4th Feb, the first day back at work post op in fact.  Well, on that day some not very nice people decided to break into our home and trash and steal, kick in doors, break windows and generally make themselves at home.  I was the person to arrive home and see the door off our carport swinging in the breeze, and following our burglary last September I kinda knew what that meant.  The neighbours across the road where almost on me before I had a chance to get out of my car, as it seems they came home and disturbed the low-lives (there were 2 of them) who then casually drove off and waved.

Needless to say, it was a little devastating, all my replacement jewellery was gone, my DSLR and point and shoot cameras (and hubby's point and shoot Christmas present as well), my iPad, my iPod and our laptop.  The front door was kicked in, the bedroom window smashed and the carport door damaged as well.   The insurance company was less than useless and it is only this week that we have finally got everything replaced and this was with me having a major meltdown on the phone to them over 2 weeks ago.  Even when we rang them on the day it was going to take them a week to send someone out to  fix the doors and windows, so we had to organise that ourselves and then they quibbled over the price.  Seriously our house was not secure!  On a lighter note, cause there has to be one doesn't there, just to stay sane - we also found that they were very hungry burglars, taking ice creams, bananas, iced coffee, and some diced fruit in natural juice from the pantry.

Then lo and behold 8 days later the crap heads were back to make more mess and take the TV, smash another window and scarily they came in with a key this time.  The whole window smashing was a ruse to cover the fact.  But it was fairly obvious that the window was broken from inside to outside this time, unlike the week before, so all the locks had to be changed - again (had them all done in Sept 12)

So nearly $10,000 later we now have security cameras, a monitored alarm system, security film on the windows, solid core doors with deadbolts on all 4 external doors and 2 new three pin lock security doors.  We live in a prison to keep the crims out, nice world isn't it?

The worst thing of it all though, has been how traumatised Max has been by it all, he still continues to cower if there are any loud noises or races for cover if someone new comes into our house.  This has of course been exacerbated by our renovations.  Yes that's right, all of this has since been followed by a bathroom renovation, a huge new patio constructed out the back, a new built in bookcase and a scrapbooking nook in my study, oh and new floor covering throughout the whole house.  Gluttons for punishment aren't we?

My poor hubby has lost 10kgs in weight, moving all the furniture countless time to paint walls, ceilings, cornices and skirting boards, put it all back only to move it again totally when the carpet and vinyl went down.  He is now down to his pre-wedding weight way back in 1977, I on the other hand have to have major surgery to lose any weight at all, gotta laugh at that.

Today marks the penultimate chore in the bathroom, the roof has been painted, now we just wait for the glass for the shower screen and the mirror and it's all done.  Was supposed to take 2 weeks, and we are up to week 4 or is it 5 with no end date in sight - sigh.  But it is looking good and when it is finished I will post photos.

You may remember I posted about my green cocoon, well it is even more green now, as two of my study walls are a glorious deep limey green, I just love it.

So without further ado, here are some photos of the scrapbooking nook in my study.

Pic on the left shows the desktop away and on the right with it out.  It is a great invention that allows me to work and then pop the desktop back out of the way when I am either not using it or part way through a project.  No more having to put everything away every evening.

Strangely though, I am overwhelmed thinking about which project to start with.  I have so many photos, so many empty albums and so much scrapbooking paraphernalia that it is sort of scary.  My daughter says to choose one small project and start there, so maybe that's what I will do this weekend.

But my newest favourite space in our house is my floor to ceiling built in bookcase.  I love books, I love to read, I love to keep my favourite authors books.  My shelves are still overflowing even though I have given so many books away over the years.  Rows and rows filled with Kathy Reichs, Patricia Cornwell, Alex Kava, Dean Koontz, Stephen King and James Patterson to name a few.  My knick knacks have found a home there as well as my gorgeous Enjoy Lighting candles.  Every night they light up on their timers and cast a beautiful glow down the hall, even hubby is loving them.  I wish I could curl up right inside my bookcase but instead I can enjoy looking at it each time I walk down the hall, or lie in bed as it lies just outside our spare bedroom where I seem to spend so many of my nights now (better for my back and mental health than sleeping with hubby and his snoring, sorry honey).

Sorry about the quality, is is grainy as I had to have the flash off to get the glow effect, I just love these candles.

left is looking up the hall and right is looking down toward the backyard and our new security door

Some of the shelves, knick knacks and all

Hubby and I have also just sent off to renew our passports so we can be part of the wedding celebrations in Seattle as my daughter marries the love of her life, can't wait to meet Kam and her daughter Kiera and Kam's parents.  Going to be a few emotional and fantastic days in September.  USA, here we come.

So all in all, a busy and somewhat stressful start to 2013 and we are only just of a quarter of the way through the year.  Still I can only see good things ahead, some time relaxing in our new patio, having a wonderful new bathroom and scrapbooking and reading to my hearts content.

Thanks for popping by xxx

The Plateau

The Plateau ... the place where you don't want to be on a weight loss journey, but the PLACE I seem to be stuck pretty much for the last few weeks.

Once upon a time I thought that if I could just get below 100kgs I would be happy, and now that I am there, in double digits for the first time in 30 years, well I am sort of happy but very, very frustrated.

I need to lose more to achieve not just the goals that Dr C set for me, but the goals my body needs to reduce my arthritis, to allow me to have a knee replacement, to give me the freedom to travel to my daughter's wedding in America in September.

But here I am stuck, yoyoing between 98.2 and 99.2, up and down and up and down, and the horrible thing is, rather than motivating me to try harder, it is just making me give up.

All the negative thoughts are back, the 'this is what my body does' thoughts, the 'what does it matter' thoughts, and so my motivation takes a walk out the door.

The funny thing is that, positive comments about my weight loss, and I am getting quite a few from people who haven't seen me in a long time, are not motivating me.  In fact, they almost do the opposite.  Strange brain I have it seems, cause my internal voice says, well, see you are still looking great, you have done a great job, do you really have to do more?

Well, yes I do, about another 25 kgs more.  So I will need to have some strong words with my internal voice and somehow find that motivation to get back in the pool, because I believe, that I can't really eat much less than I am.

Life is never easy, I suppose I just need to find the energy to keep on plodding on, one gram at a time.

Thanks for popping by xxx

Speaking Too Soon

The Universe has a way of teaching us lessons, sometimes ones we already know, so it is a gentle reminder sometimes it is a big kick up the butt.  Not sure what category this one falls into but my butt is kind of sore!!!

My last post was about Should I Brag, where I told the blogosphere about how well I was doing with my weight loss.

Last weekend's weigh in bought me down to earth, I put on 500gms.  Seriously, it threw me for a loop. I had changed nothing in my diet except having a very small piece of birthday cake about 10 days before to celebrate with one of my work colleagues.

So were my concerns about me not being an over-eater prior to surgery now coming true, is this surgery mainly for people who constantly over-eat?  I don't have an answer to that, but I have had a crap week, beating myself up about it all.

The dietitian said not to worry it happens sometimes, but this early in the recovery?

John, my psychologist, said move on, let it be, there are always bumps in the road.  Which is true, but it has been a huge wake up call.

Here I was tootling along the highway of weight loss, thinking I was gathering speed, after all I was told by Dr C that I was ahead of the game, just a few days before the weight gain.

So Universe, I've got the message, take nothing for granted, keep your eyes on the goal and work harder.

I am pleased to say this morning's weigh in sees me almost back to where I was a fortnight ago, so hopefully the numbers will keep slowly going down.

The bad thing is, I just wanted chocolate to drown my sorrows in.  The good thing is, I didn't buy any.

Has the Universe been talking to you lately?  Hopefully if it has it has been in a positive way.

Have a great week ahead and thanks for popping by xxx

Is It Okay To Brag?

I sort of feel a little awkward writing this post, but I do want to keep people up to date with my progress in my weight loss, maybe it will inspire someone else to take the plunge and have surgery if they need it.

Yesterday I went and had my six week check up and Dr C confirmed I have lost 18kgs, he also said I was ahead of the game as I have lost 35% of my excess weight already and most people take a lot longer to get to that point.  Oh and I am now officially only obese, no longer morbidly obese.

Then I saw the exercise coordinator who re-measured me before giving me some light exercises to do, given my arthritis there will be no running or the like, but plenty of upper body exercises.

Now the thing that blew me away was how many cms I have lost, why does it blow me away?  Well when I look in the mirror I still see the 'fat' me, because really I am still 'fat' - after all obese is not skinny in any way shape or form.  Sure I see my face is thinner, and I know my arms and legs are as I can see that.  Partly because my arms are getting really 'flappy' - sigh.  But I can deal with that.

So when she measured me I was not expecting to have lost 9cms off my waist and a huge 15cms off my hips!!  I just can see it.  Sure I am now wearing a size 20 top instead of a 24 or 26, but my brain just doesn't realise that what it sees is still large, but a smaller large than it was.

So I feel I need to write it down so that I actually start to believe that the weight is disappearing, not just on the scales but off my body as well.

I may even be brave enough soon to post photos - no promises though.

Thanks for popping by xxx