Goodbye Dear and Faithful Friend

Jarmie's last photo (taken by my Mum in October 2013)

Goodbye Dear and Faithful Friend

No more clipping of your paws as you walk down the hall

No more brupping as you greet us at the door

No more sharing our left over meals

No more cream on the plate near the fridge

No more finding you on the bed in the afternoon sun

No more joy at seeing your face and beautiful green eyes

No more laughs with your antics at play

We will miss you more than words can ever say

Our companion and friend for over 19 years

Part of our family for so long

You bought us so much joy and laughter

You helped to raise our children and grand-children

You never once scratched or bit or even growled 

So much patience with all of us

Even with rat bag Max

 We are so sad to say goodbye

But we know the time is right

Goodbye Dear and Faithful Friend

RIP Jarmie - Jan 1994 to Nov 2013

You loved sleeping on the bed in the afternoon sun so much

Our family photo in November 2012, and of course you were included

You even learned to tolerate Max

So patient with all our grand-daughters, never once growling or scratching even if they were a little rough

Jarmie lived all his life in our garden and so we will bring home is ashes and plant them under a rose bush in his memory.

Thanks for popping by on this sad day in our lives xxxx

Yesterday - A Rollercoaster of Emotions - Who'd A Thunk

Yesterday (morning), all my troubles seemed so far away, how I long for yesterday .... WRONG (apologies to the Beatles for butchering their lyrics).

Well, yesterday started well, I woke and went to the pool. I came home and read some lovely blogs and wrote my Prettiness post. Something wonderful happened from that post, the gorgeous Mad Mother offered to share with me one of her beloved mother's teacups. I will tell you I cried tears of joy at her generosity. My recently heavy heart from earlier in the week was truly lifted by this.

and then IT happened and my day went to shit. I cried tears of pain, I felt my heart was being squeezed tightly with anger, I had to refrain myself from beating someone to death.

And now I sort of feel foolish. All this hurt, over something so insignificant, well not to me, but in the scheme of things ... Lori has lost her husband, Lulu and Amy have lost their lives ... and their families have lost so much. The Queensland flood victims have lost their homes and so much more. But I still feel hurt, because I really am.

So what happened, well you may remember me blogging (on my other blog) about the beautiful climbing rose that is outside my Study window. The one that comforts me, has inspired me, is a resting and feeding place for many birds, the one covered in tiny little pink flowers, the one that shade my Study from the hot afternoon sun, the one that gave me privacy from the neighbours. Well it is now a pile of sticks, not pruned, but butchered by my neighbour's son. You see, a lot of the stems and branches leaned over their side of the fence (and it seems when I say a lot I mean most), and by law, they can cut them. They even asked my hubby if it was okay if they took a little off the rose - not too much the guy said ... and now I can't open my Study blinds for the stark reality of what he is done is like I knife to my heart.

If I keep the blinds closed and then position them just right (they are verticals so slide sideways) I can still see the little green bit left on our side of the fence ... I hope that the birds will still come and visit ... but the rest well it is now gone. My hubby assures me it will shoot and come back to its glory ... but I am not so sure.

I apologize to those who have lost so much for the trivial nature of my loss ... but it still hurts.

Today and Tomorrow and Yesterday

Today Lori buried her soulmate. Today Lori buried the father of Bump and Chop. Today her blogging friends take a moment to support her.

Tomorrow and each and every tomorrow after, Lori will be walking as a mother without the other half that has completed her.

On some Tomorrow in the future, when little Bump and Chop are older, she will have to find the words to explain where their Dad has gone.

My heart breaks at the thought of all the Tomorrows you have to come, but in some small way I hope that some of the Yesterdays will sometime in the future, bring you joy ... joy from the memories that you and Tony created, joy when you watch Bump and Chop and know that even though you can not see him, that Tony is there in the very heart of your two gorgeous children.

Hugs from Perth xxx

For Lori

A fellow blogger has just lost her soulmate and the father of their two young children, through tragic circumstances. Lori ... these words are for you, Bump and Chop ... Be strong my love, find the inner strength that mothers have. Wish there was more that I could do, but know that you and your babies are in my prayers and thoughts and if I could I would give Tony back to all of you. xxx

When he shall die

Take him and cut him out in little stars

And he will make the face of heav'n so fine

That all the world will be in love with night

William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

If every tear we shed for you became a star above;

you'd stroll in the Angel's garden, lit by everlasting love

- Author Unknown



Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love

Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness

Far too beautiful for this

Cross over to the other shore
There is peace for evermore
But hold this memory bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don’t waste your breath, don’t shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don’t wait for me

Above the universe you’ll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won’t forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light

Beautiful lyrics from a song by Celine Dion written after the death of her niece from Cystic Fibrosis

With Tears Of Love

As many of you would know, my daughter and her family recently suffered the loss of my grandson at around 16 weeks gestation. The loss of this little one has impacted on our family in many ways. One positive outcome, and we must always look for positives in our lives lest we get overwhelmed by the despair, is that my daughter has started a new blog called ... with tears of love.

Her dream is that this will become a place of support for other families, not just parents but the wider family as well, a place where people can come to to share their stories or just realise that they are not alone in how they feel.

Today is launch day and I know she would love if you had the time to visit.

The Sound Of Frogs

Life seems to go on, rushing its way past, seconds turning to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days, days to weeks, weeks to months ... and then something simple, something common brings back the tears and sends me into the darkness of loss. Today it was your statue sitting beside your rose, tonight it is the sound of frogs. I know that some people may not understand how the loss of a grandchild you have never met can affect a person so much, I don't understand it myself really, but here I am in bed thinking of you again. And so I came to write ... The Sound of Frogs



I hear them croaking in our garden

and I think of you

My heart is heavy, my soul feels torn in two





I hear the frogs tonight, croaking outside my window

and the tears fall

Tears for you, tears for your family, tears of loss and pain




I walk in my garden and I see the frog statue I bought

and I think of you

My heart is heavy, my soul feels torn in two






When will the teardrops stop?

Will one day I hear the frogs and not cry

Will one day I see your little statue and not sob

Will one day this all seem like a distant memory



As much as my heart aches

As much as my soul feels torn in two

I don't want to stop the pain

In case I forget you

My Little Frog Prince

My Little Frog Prince

Too early for a name

Too small for a breath

Thousands of tears have fallen

Since you left



Today they scatter your ashes

Mixed with other tiny babes

On the roses for remembrance




Today we plant in our garden

Our own little rose bush

I will smell the sweet blooms and always remember you



For though you may be gone

And we never got to meet

You will always be in my heart

Buried down real deep



And so my little grandson

I need you to know

I love you to the moon and back

And it will always be so

In honour of who you are to me

My Little Frog Prince

A little froggy statue I have found

To sit by your rose for all to see

Beside your rose will also be

A rose bush for your sister

Another for your cousin

Roses for my grandchildren

All grouped together

One, Two and Three

For in my heart

That is how you will always be

My grandchild number 3

God Bless my sweet frog prince

Grandma xxx

Crying

I'm not sure where this post will go but I need to write something to get it out of my head so I can perhaps make better sense of what is tumbling around there.

I am crying, I am not depressed, I am just crying.

I sit here and type and tears fall slowly down my cheeks, I don't bother to wipe them up, they need to fall to cleanse and release the emotions within.

One winds its way down my chin and on to my neck and then downward to pool on my chest.

Another follows, until a small lake forms. I am not sobbing, just crying, one small tear at a time.

So much has happened over the last week or so that has knocked me for a six. There have been happy times but all have been tinged by my sense of sadness at a life so tragically lost. So pretty much every day, the odd tear will fall, sometimes without me even realising it is there until I feel it running down my cheek.

I could put it down to menopause - after all that is supposed to knock your hormones and hence your emotions all over the shop - but that would be a cop out.

I know why I am crying, partly it is because as much as I try to understand, I can not find it within myself, I am not angry at his decision, but I am saddened by not only the loss of his life but for those he has left behind.

Yesterday was his funeral, and I saw his aged father struggle to understand, I saw one of his daughter's sit there and not shed a tear - and she is the one I worry about most.

I saw my brother in law's coffin and I feel I should have reached out more, even though we were never that close.

I saw my sister in law and nieces struggling with the loss of their husband and father, I know that things are going to be tough for them - but I don't know what to say to make it better.

But the main reason I am crying is that I know how close this all could have been for me and my family, I heard him say the words to me - I am so thankful that he reached out and hung on because of how much he loved me. But I feel guilty that I was afforded this when others in our family have not had that luxury. I feel guilty that our lives will continue in the pattern we have become accustomed to and theirs will never be the same.

And so the odd tear slips from my eyes, and occasionally when I least expect it, a sob shakes my body, for what I have I done to deserve to have my family still together when theirs is torn apart?

Can You Help Me Understand

Yesterday my husband's brother in law committed suicide.

I know that things had not been great in their relationship, but he had 3 beautiful daughters aged 15, 16 and 19 - can someone help me understand how he could leave them behind.

I know that in his mind he probably thought he was actually doing the right thing by removing himself from their lives. But suicide is never the answer.

I understand that in the blackness that is depression that there seems that there is no light at the end of the tunnel, I have never felt that way, but I get it. What I don't get is how you can choose to leave your daughters - when people get cancer, they fight. They fight hard to stay with us, they don't want to let go.

I'm not saying he made this decision lightly, I am sure he didn't. He took care in how he died, he left no mess, it was not violent - but he died and his eldest daughter had to be the one that dealt with the police and the coroner. No one should have to deal with that at 19. My sister in law and the other 2 girls live 3 hours drive away, so it was his daughter who is here at University (with support from her boyfriend and my hubby) that went to the unit and dealt with the result of his decision.

I don't believe he made the decision because he wanted to be selfish, I'm sure he thought he was being selfless - leaving to make their lives better. But it is not selfless, because someone has to deal with what is left, and that person, that sweet girl is 19.

So please can you help me understand, for I can't at this point.

And please if you suffer from depression, reach out for help, for suicide is not a selfless act, for those you leave behind will always struggle to understand. Death is final, there is no second chance. Please if you feel that isolated, that alone, find the strength to reach out. I know it is easy for me to say, I am not trivialising depression, I have seen it first hand and I know how hard it is, but my plea is for you to hang on.

www.beyondblue.org.au

A Lesson For Us To Learn

Today we put my DH's Mum's ashes to rest with his Dad. My DH spoke so beautifully about his belief that the 2 of them are together now, and that his Mum no longer has her shuffle or her slurred speech (she had Parkinsons) and that the 2 of them were dancing together (they were beautiful dancers).

After the brief ceremony we went back to one of his sister's houses to sort through the remaining boxes of his mother's stuff. A lot of the everyday items were sold or given to family when she moved into the nursing home a few years ago, but there were about 10 boxes of varying sizes that she would not part with. So my s-i-l had stored them at her place just in case my m-i-l wanted anything - she never did, but that was her wish.

It took around 3 hours for us to choose what each of us wanted to keep - there was no fighting over any of these things - everyone was open and honest about what they wanted and what they didn't. However what became apparent to me and left me with a sense of sadness, was that the items taken were so few in comparison to the items available. So the pile of items going to the antique/second hand dealer is large and I am sure there is some items that are worth something in a monetary sense but the tragedy is that they also are worth far more in a sentimental and family sense. She had kept all her precious wedding presents - most never used. There was some jewelry, some of it her mothers and some of it hers - but none of the family knew which was which or why some of the other items she has felt so passionately about keeping were kept. They meant something to her, but nothing to us.

So please talk to your children about the past, show them the things that mean a lot to you, tell them the stories of your mother's jewelry or grandmothers buttons, or whatever it is. For if like us today, you don't know the stories - you can not feel a connection to that which is left behind. My m-i-l was never a great talker, and so if this is you, then take a photo and write down a note to explain and leave it with the item - anything to give your children and grandchildren a window to the past and a chance to connect. For once it is gone it is gone - there were some beautiful pieces of china that I am sure had stories to go with them, it is just we never heard the story when my m-i-l was alive and so to us they were just bits of china - nothing more, nothing less, but to her they must have meant a lot.

Moments In Time - The Baby I Never Got To Know

Many years ago when I was still married to my eldest daughter's father, I had a fall on some slippery grass while carrying a heavy load of washing out to the line - I fell awkwardly and really jolted myself. I sat there for a while in shock, then got up, put the washing back in the basket and then hung it on the line. Didn't think much more about it at the time, just that I was a little sore and really glad no-one had seen me stack it.

Next morning, my husband went off to a training course, I got up and got my daughter out of bed, gave her breakfast and dressed her, hopped into the shower and then doubled up in the most severe pain I had ever had. It came on that suddenly, wave after wave of abdominal pain - I had no idea what was happening but didn't think it could be good. I then noticed I was bleeding so knew it wasn't my appendix. But this was way too much pain for anything normal. I somehow managed to get myself dressed, all the while reassuring my nearly 2 year old daughter that all was fine.

I rang the local doctor's office to see if I could have a home visit as I didn't have a car and there was no way I could walk to his office which was over 5 kms away. He couldn't come until lunch time, so I waited, waves and waves of pain continuing to wash over me. When he came he asked me if I could be pregnant, well it was a possibility but not something we had planned. Long story short I was and I was miscarrying. I couldn't get hold of my hubby as in those days mobile phones were not invented, so I rang my Mum to take me to hospital and to then look after my daughter.

I lost this little baby that I didn't even know existed, I didn't know if it was a boy or a girl, but before I could even say hello, it was taken from me. I would have been somewhere around 12-14 weeks pregnant, I had no symptoms and never had a chance to get excited about this little ones birth. I felt bewildered, sad and lost - it was too soon to mourn as I never had known my baby was part of me until it was taken away - but I did wonder in the weeks and months that followed who my baby would have been and did the fall the day before take my little angel away. I told myself that this was the way it was meant to be as I believe miscarriages happen for a reason.

But even today, every now and then, I do sit and wonder how my life would have been different with that little one in my life. I like to believe that my little angel has come back to me as one of my other children or one of my grand-daughters - how wonderful if that was the case. These memories don't come often any more but every now and then they reappear.

2008 A Year of Loss & Much Joy

2008 has been both a year of loss and much joy for our family.

This year we have lost from our lives my hubby's Nanna and his Mother. His Nanna had just celebrated her 95th birthday when she died and what a life she had. She stood only 4 foot 11 inches tall (and was probably a little shorter when she died as we all shrink) but she was a tiny bundle of energy, love and joy. Although we didn't get to see her often as she lived in Victoria she was still a big part of our lives and we miss her greatly. Thank you Nanna for all you did for your family and for showing us that life can go on even after you bury 2 husbands. May I be blessed with your energy and lust for life as I enter my older years. You truly were the most wonderful woman and touched the lives of so many.

Then we recently lost my hubby's Mother and I won't say more than that now as I have spoken of her loss in other posts, but this loss is still raw for my hubby and will take time for his heart to heal, but heal it will. To my m-i-l, thank you for giving me your son, he is the love of my life.

Both these losses have been extremely hard on my hubby, his Nannas because not only had he lost her but it also bought up feelings he had not dealt with following his father's death. His Mother's death has left him an orphan and even though he is in his 50s that is still a major life step to come to terms with.

But we must remember that our year started with joy at the birth of our second grand-daughter in February. For those of you who don't yet have grandchildren I hope that you are blessed with them soon, they are the best gift life can give you. While your own children are a blessing, their blessing is tempered with life lessons that you learn on the job - after all parenting doesn't come with a manual. But grandchildren are here for you to love and be besotted with and only that. I thank the stars that I have been blessed twice and if twice is all I get then so be it as it is more than some ever get.

We have also been blessed this year with meeting our beautiful Swedish soon to be daughter in law. She has healed my daughter's heart and even though it will probably mean my daughter will end up living in Sweden as their marriage can only be recognised there I am so happy to see my daughter smiling again.

This year has also been the first year since my eldest grand-daughter's accident that she hasn't suffered any seizures and has not had to have any hospital stays. After the tough years she has had since 2001 we can only give thanks that she is now settling into what I hope is a life free from seizures. While she can never recover totally from her brain injuries, to live free of seizures would be the most wonderful gift of all.

Then in November we found out that our Sydney based daughter, son-in-law and grand-daughter are coming back to Perth in January 2009. I don't think the smile has really left my face much since hearing this news.

May 2009 bring only that which we can cope with and may the joy outweigh the sadness at all times but with those I love beside me then life can't be too bad.

Happy New Year xxx