Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
As you would know if you have been following my blog, my brother in law committed suicide and it has been hard for me to deal with. I was sad, really sad for what seemed the longest time, I could not move on ... so I applied my life philosophy and thought, how can I do something that may turn this loss into something good. So I wrote a letter to my workmates, telling them what had happened, asking them to reach out to get help if they felt overwhelmed or depressed or to reach out to a friend or family member who they could see struggling - for maybe by acknowledging someone you could help them realise that people did care. That this was especially important at Christmas which is statistically a time that the rate of suicide increases.
I didn't want to send it out under my name as I was still fragile and so I wrote to my boss and asked him to do it on my behalf, leaving me in the anonymity I desired - it took him a few days to do so, but last Friday he sent the email out. Since then I have been feeling a lot better, because I felt I honored my b-i-l's death by talking about his struggle and reaching out to others.
Then today at work I was approached by someone, who did not know I was the originator of the email, who asked me to give them the number of the counselling service our work offers. The universe heard and answered my plea - someone, somewhere reached out for help and hopefully will be healed by doing so.
I may never understand my b-i-l's decision, but my heart feels better that through his loss maybe, just maybe someone else will be helped back onto the path of happiness.
So my plea to you is, if you are suffering in any way, please reach out, there are hands and hearts ready to help, you just need to find the strength to ask.
Please be safe and well as this Christmas season approaches, find the joy in each day - there is some there each and every day, some days you may have to search a little harder, but I do believe with all my heart that your search for joy will be rewarded.
Hugs from Perth xxx
Monday, December 14, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
I am trying very hard to get into the spirit - and so have chosen a Christmas background, will put up our tree sometime during this week or maybe next weekend.
Have done about 1/2 my Christmas shopping, including buying my own gifts for hubby to give me - saves him the strain of trying to read my mind - LOL.
Thinking that maybe next year the grown ups (including my kids) will do Secret Santa - so we only have to choose 1 present rather than buying for everyone. Trouble is, as they all get older, they buy what they want, when they want it.
Just for you - Its Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas
And one that brings a smile to my face - enjoy
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Darkness comes and wraps me in its dark soothing blanket
The silence of night creeps into my soul revitalising with its nothingness
Moonlight creeps across my bed, running silver fingers through my hair
The heat subdued by the chill, gentle nightime breezes
Leave the troubles of the day behind, lay there and clear my mind
Readying my soul to face another day
Sleep eludes me, catch snatches here and there
Wrap my blanket over my back, snuggling under there
Stay with me darkness, do not to end
Protect me from the day ahead
Bright sun, too harsh to see, People wanting to much of me
Everyone seems to want their piece
Feel as though there’s nothing left
Nothing left for me - of me, it is gone
Ripping the phone from the wall
Yelling at dogs who yap next door
Enjoyment gone because of the stalker
Even more the constant talker
Feelings of anxiouness, wanting to scream
Keep it in, feel my soul bubble with unrest
Leave me alone, cant you see - I have nothing to give
I have nothing left, not even for me
Give me night when I am alone, wrapping myself in darkness
Seems a plan, to soothe my nerves, to let me mend
Darkness, quiet, cool night air, moonlight on my bed
I crave this in my head
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
I am crying, I am not depressed, I am just crying.
I sit here and type and tears fall slowly down my cheeks, I don't bother to wipe them up, they need to fall to cleanse and release the emotions within.
One winds its way down my chin and on to my neck and then downward to pool on my chest.
Another follows, until a small lake forms. I am not sobbing, just crying, one small tear at a time.
So much has happened over the last week or so that has knocked me for a six. There have been happy times but all have been tinged by my sense of sadness at a life so tragically lost. So pretty much every day, the odd tear will fall, sometimes without me even realising it is there until I feel it running down my cheek.
I could put it down to menopause - after all that is supposed to knock your hormones and hence your emotions all over the shop - but that would be a cop out.
I know why I am crying, partly it is because as much as I try to understand, I can not find it within myself, I am not angry at his decision, but I am saddened by not only the loss of his life but for those he has left behind.
Yesterday was his funeral, and I saw his aged father struggle to understand, I saw one of his daughter's sit there and not shed a tear - and she is the one I worry about most.
I saw my brother in law's coffin and I feel I should have reached out more, even though we were never that close.
I saw my sister in law and nieces struggling with the loss of their husband and father, I know that things are going to be tough for them - but I don't know what to say to make it better.
But the main reason I am crying is that I know how close this all could have been for me and my family, I heard him say the words to me - I am so thankful that he reached out and hung on because of how much he loved me. But I feel guilty that I was afforded this when others in our family have not had that luxury. I feel guilty that our lives will continue in the pattern we have become accustomed to and theirs will never be the same.
And so the odd tear slips from my eyes, and occasionally when I least expect it, a sob shakes my body, for what I have I done to deserve to have my family still together when theirs is torn apart?
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Of green and shaded lanes,
Of ordered woods and gardens
Is running in your veins.
Strong love of grey-blue distance,
Brown streams and soft, dim skies
I know, but cannot share it,
My love is otherwise.
I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains.
I love her far horizons,
I love her jewel-sea,
Her beauty and her terror
The wide brown land for me!
The stark white ring-barked forests,
All tragic to the moon,
The sapphire-misted mountains,
The hot gold hush of noon,
Green tangle of the brushes
Where lithe lianas coil,
And orchids deck the tree-tops,
And ferns the warm dark soil.
Core of my heart, my country!
Her pitiless blue sky,
When, sick at heart, around us
We see the cattle die
But then the grey clouds gather,
And we can bless again
The drumming of an army,
The steady soaking rain.
Core of my heart, my country!
Land of the rainbow gold,
For flood and fire and famine
She pays us back threefold.
Over the thirsty paddocks,
Watch, after many days,
The filmy veil of greenness
That thickens as we gaze…
An opal-hearted country,
A wilful, lavish land
All you who have not loved her,
You will not understand
though Earth holds many splendours,
Wherever I may die,
I know to what brown country
My homing thoughts will fly.