Welcome to my blog.

My blog expresses my views and thoughts and in no way intends to offend however that does not guarantee it wont.

I write in a stream of consciousness and sometimes the odd typo or bad grammar may appear - please excuse these.

Please feel free to leave a comment if something inspires you to do so.

Monday, July 27, 2009

My Learning Year

So from this aged about 2

Well today I turn 54 - God that sounds old when I say it out loud. As I have blogged before I see birthdays as a time to reflect on what the last year has given you and to celebrate all you have achieved and to maybe reexamine what you consider to be your failures (if you have any) and not see them as failures but life lessons and give yourself permission to readjust your goals for the future.

So the past year has given me (and this is not the complete list by any means):

• the courage to start a blog
and put my thoughts out there for all to see (read)

• the acknowledgement of how much my 'sisters' mean to me

the chance to tell my 'sisters' how much they mean to me and that I love them, scary telling non-family members that you love them in words

the chance via my blog to show my vulnerable side - extra scary for the control freak that is me

the ability to say NO at work, instead of always putting everyone else's needs first

the chance to travel to Adelaide with my DH and enjoy our time together

the realisation of just how much I love that man

the joy of having both my grand-daughters and all of my children in the same State again

the cyberfriendship and support (both ways) of my new cyber blog friends

the chance to drive with the wind in my hair with the turbo purring - radio loud, smile on my face

the blossoming of my grand-daughter now that she has reached highschool

watching the learning journey of my youngest grand-daughter, what a wonderful age 1-2 years is

the courage to say I want to work less and the ability to not cram 10 days into 8 - part of the saying no

the ability to let some of the control go at work and trust others to do what they need to (although sometimes that has not always worked)

Some of the things of regret:

the passing of my mother in law and seeing the sadness it has bought my hubby

the time hubby and I have had to spend apart with his work travel commitments

the fact that there are still so many people struggling in this world and that I can not do much about it

the loss of lives in the Victorian bushfires (both human and animal) even though I lost no-one personally the tragedy touched my heart in ways I didn't think possible

Some of the things I need to re-assess

my lack of fitness - I say I will address it and always find excuses why not to

my bad eating habits - I have been eating really badly since my hubby was been away so much

my bad self-image - well not sure it I will ever be able to look in a mirror and be happy with what I see

So lets see what the next year brings - bring it on, I am stronger, wiser and will accept the challenge with open arms.

To this aged about 16

To the present day

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Swings And Roundabouts

Life is full of swings and roundabouts, seems I have been on a swing for a while - lots of ups and downs, more downs than ups if my last post is anything to go by. But I am pleased to say I am off that swing for a while and maybe on a roundabout - who knows, I suppose time will tell.

First I would like to say thank you to those who reached out to me after my last post - your friendship, love and caring meant so much to me. You know who you are and let me say that taking the time to ring me and email me (via FB) meant the world to me. You are truly good friends who mean the world to me. To those in my family who also checked on me and cared for me I also say thank you for your continued love.

I have had a particularly busy 3 weeks at work and was worn out to say the least, my darling hubby saw this (now I am not sure if he saw or if someone gave him a heads up and I don't really need to know the motivation I'm just thankful) and decided I was going to go to Adelaide with him last week. Well he did ask if I would like to, it wasn't a demand.

So off we flew last Monday afternoon and came back late on Friday afternoon - and it was the best thing for both of us - me, as I got to totally relax and read and sleep and wander around town and have lunch with him a couple of times. We got to go out for dinner and drinks, we got to sit side by side and watch telly and sleep in the same place (well sometimes I slept on the couch as the bed hurt my back) but at least we were in the same city. He got to come home and be welcomed by a relaxed wife who was in the right frame of mind to support him as he unloaded the frustrations of his day. We got to cuddle on the verandah while looking out at the lights of the city, we got to laugh with each other over funny things we saw, he got to take me to his favourite sushi place for lunch.

He is home for my birthday tomorrow and then flies out Weds morning but won't be back for 10 days - this coming weekend is the cut-over for the software program he has been working on - he will be exhausted when he gets back and I just wish I could be there for him during this time but I need to be in Perth - so while I am off the swing it seems he is about to jump on board.

Swings and roundabouts - life is full of them, I am so glad we have each other as we swap the playthings of life.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

The Sound Of Silence (Blogging Style)

Have you noticed my silence of late, no real blogs about me, do you check here and think 'oh Kakka is quiet at the moment'? Does that mean she is over blogging or has nothing to say?

Well neither is true, but I am feeling particularly fragile at the moment and to put it into words is scary. I try hard to live my life with the half full glass philosophy (even have started a blog about that) and I have to tell you that sometimes a very empty glass appears in my life - it doesn't usually last for long as I fill it up with something, turn around my negative feelings into something positive - after all there are a lot of positive things in my life that I can embrace and feel good about. But I am human just like the rest of you and there are things that are out of my control that I am struggling with at the moment.

One of them is my hubby being away so much, I feel lost and alone but also resentful and angry about this - and it is the last 2 that I am struggling with. I should not feel angry and resentful, especially not about him as he is doing what his job requires and one of the things I have always admired about him is his commitment and work ethic.

But he is now so caught up in what is needed that sometimes I feel he isn't here for me at all - case in point, I started working .8 in Jan on a 3 month trial - when the 3 months were up I discussed with my boss whether I would go back full time and we agreed that I would continue on at .8. I also discussed it with my hubby and told him of the outcome, we even discussed reduced money etc again. He has no recollection of this conversation and assumed I had gone back full time and when I asked him about me being home 2 days every fortnight, he didn't even realise that I was except for the odd Friday that he thought I was taking off as time in lieu for hours worked. I felt insignificant, that I meant so little in his life that he didn't really notice me at all.

Then we were going to dinner last week at a friends house and he had been told more than once that another couple who we didn't know were coming as well. When I mentioned it on the drive over he was shocked as he thought it was just the 4 of us. When I got a little cross and told him that I didn't know why I bother even telling him stuff any more and that he was making me feel like what I said was of so little importance to him - he was hurt and told me I was being harsh. But surely telling him how I feel is okay - am I suppose to bottle it all up inside?

Then there are the nights when I am feeling particularly blue and I ring him in Adelaide and he is out with the boys playing pool and having a good time - I feel angry but conflicted because I always have worried about him sitting in his hotel room and being lonely and blue and do all I can to encourage him to be a little social and when he does I feel left out of part of his life. And so then I beat myself up for being selfish, but one part of me feels I am losing him - what if he likes this other life, with no commitments and no overweight, sad and sorry wife needing his support because she is so damn lonely when he is not here.

I have always been his sounding board, his place to turn when he wants to unload his frustrations with work and life and have often felt that this was the one-sided part of our lives together - but at least occasionally he would ask me how my day was and seem to care. Now he doesn't bother at all - but happily leans on me just like always and I am trying to still be there, but I am struggling.

We talked about having a weekend away together to just leave it all behind and I thought that was going to be in mid August, but now I find we are talking some time in October - and I think - oh why bother. His talk about caring for me and acknowledging how hard this is on me as well - is just that - talk.

It feels like I have led a single life for over 12 months - with a lover who comes over on weekends and then casually leaves me behind for another week. But if I was single I wouldn't live in this big house, I wouldn't have to water the lawns and gardens or the like - because I would live in an apartment, I wouldn't have to worry about someone else just me, but I am married and I had no choice in this decision.

Yes there is light at the end of the tunnel and I know if it not an express train rushing towards me, there is now an end date in sight - but what if I am wrong, what if it is an express train - one of him moving on and me staying still. Have we lost that connection that held us together - sometimes I feel that is so - I feel lost and floating in a sea of uncertainty.

And now I will go and full up my glass to half full again - I just worry that it seems that there are so many more empty glass days over the last 3-4 weeks that I am losing the ability to fill my glass again and this should be the time of my life when my glass is running over.


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