Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
As you would know if you have been following my blog, my brother in law committed suicide and it has been hard for me to deal with. I was sad, really sad for what seemed the longest time, I could not move on ... so I applied my life philosophy and thought, how can I do something that may turn this loss into something good. So I wrote a letter to my workmates, telling them what had happened, asking them to reach out to get help if they felt overwhelmed or depressed or to reach out to a friend or family member who they could see struggling - for maybe by acknowledging someone you could help them realise that people did care. That this was especially important at Christmas which is statistically a time that the rate of suicide increases.
I didn't want to send it out under my name as I was still fragile and so I wrote to my boss and asked him to do it on my behalf, leaving me in the anonymity I desired - it took him a few days to do so, but last Friday he sent the email out. Since then I have been feeling a lot better, because I felt I honored my b-i-l's death by talking about his struggle and reaching out to others.
Then today at work I was approached by someone, who did not know I was the originator of the email, who asked me to give them the number of the counselling service our work offers. The universe heard and answered my plea - someone, somewhere reached out for help and hopefully will be healed by doing so.
I may never understand my b-i-l's decision, but my heart feels better that through his loss maybe, just maybe someone else will be helped back onto the path of happiness.
So my plea to you is, if you are suffering in any way, please reach out, there are hands and hearts ready to help, you just need to find the strength to ask.
Please be safe and well as this Christmas season approaches, find the joy in each day - there is some there each and every day, some days you may have to search a little harder, but I do believe with all my heart that your search for joy will be rewarded.
Hugs from Perth xxx
Monday, December 14, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
I am trying very hard to get into the spirit - and so have chosen a Christmas background, will put up our tree sometime during this week or maybe next weekend.
Have done about 1/2 my Christmas shopping, including buying my own gifts for hubby to give me - saves him the strain of trying to read my mind - LOL.
Thinking that maybe next year the grown ups (including my kids) will do Secret Santa - so we only have to choose 1 present rather than buying for everyone. Trouble is, as they all get older, they buy what they want, when they want it.
Just for you - Its Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas
And one that brings a smile to my face - enjoy
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Darkness comes and wraps me in its dark soothing blanket
The silence of night creeps into my soul revitalising with its nothingness
Moonlight creeps across my bed, running silver fingers through my hair
The heat subdued by the chill, gentle nightime breezes
Leave the troubles of the day behind, lay there and clear my mind
Readying my soul to face another day
Sleep eludes me, catch snatches here and there
Wrap my blanket over my back, snuggling under there
Stay with me darkness, do not to end
Protect me from the day ahead
Bright sun, too harsh to see, People wanting to much of me
Everyone seems to want their piece
Feel as though there’s nothing left
Nothing left for me - of me, it is gone
Ripping the phone from the wall
Yelling at dogs who yap next door
Enjoyment gone because of the stalker
Even more the constant talker
Feelings of anxiouness, wanting to scream
Keep it in, feel my soul bubble with unrest
Leave me alone, cant you see - I have nothing to give
I have nothing left, not even for me
Give me night when I am alone, wrapping myself in darkness
Seems a plan, to soothe my nerves, to let me mend
Darkness, quiet, cool night air, moonlight on my bed
I crave this in my head
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
I am crying, I am not depressed, I am just crying.
I sit here and type and tears fall slowly down my cheeks, I don't bother to wipe them up, they need to fall to cleanse and release the emotions within.
One winds its way down my chin and on to my neck and then downward to pool on my chest.
Another follows, until a small lake forms. I am not sobbing, just crying, one small tear at a time.
So much has happened over the last week or so that has knocked me for a six. There have been happy times but all have been tinged by my sense of sadness at a life so tragically lost. So pretty much every day, the odd tear will fall, sometimes without me even realising it is there until I feel it running down my cheek.
I could put it down to menopause - after all that is supposed to knock your hormones and hence your emotions all over the shop - but that would be a cop out.
I know why I am crying, partly it is because as much as I try to understand, I can not find it within myself, I am not angry at his decision, but I am saddened by not only the loss of his life but for those he has left behind.
Yesterday was his funeral, and I saw his aged father struggle to understand, I saw one of his daughter's sit there and not shed a tear - and she is the one I worry about most.
I saw my brother in law's coffin and I feel I should have reached out more, even though we were never that close.
I saw my sister in law and nieces struggling with the loss of their husband and father, I know that things are going to be tough for them - but I don't know what to say to make it better.
But the main reason I am crying is that I know how close this all could have been for me and my family, I heard him say the words to me - I am so thankful that he reached out and hung on because of how much he loved me. But I feel guilty that I was afforded this when others in our family have not had that luxury. I feel guilty that our lives will continue in the pattern we have become accustomed to and theirs will never be the same.
And so the odd tear slips from my eyes, and occasionally when I least expect it, a sob shakes my body, for what I have I done to deserve to have my family still together when theirs is torn apart?
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Of green and shaded lanes,
Of ordered woods and gardens
Is running in your veins.
Strong love of grey-blue distance,
Brown streams and soft, dim skies
I know, but cannot share it,
My love is otherwise.
I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains.
I love her far horizons,
I love her jewel-sea,
Her beauty and her terror
The wide brown land for me!
The stark white ring-barked forests,
All tragic to the moon,
The sapphire-misted mountains,
The hot gold hush of noon,
Green tangle of the brushes
Where lithe lianas coil,
And orchids deck the tree-tops,
And ferns the warm dark soil.
Core of my heart, my country!
Her pitiless blue sky,
When, sick at heart, around us
We see the cattle die
But then the grey clouds gather,
And we can bless again
The drumming of an army,
The steady soaking rain.
Core of my heart, my country!
Land of the rainbow gold,
For flood and fire and famine
She pays us back threefold.
Over the thirsty paddocks,
Watch, after many days,
The filmy veil of greenness
That thickens as we gaze…
An opal-hearted country,
A wilful, lavish land
All you who have not loved her,
You will not understand
though Earth holds many splendours,
Wherever I may die,
I know to what brown country
My homing thoughts will fly.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
I know that things had not been great in their relationship, but he had 3 beautiful daughters aged 15, 16 and 19 - can someone help me understand how he could leave them behind.
I know that in his mind he probably thought he was actually doing the right thing by removing himself from their lives. But suicide is never the answer.
I understand that in the blackness that is depression that there seems that there is no light at the end of the tunnel, I have never felt that way, but I get it. What I don't get is how you can choose to leave your daughters - when people get cancer, they fight. They fight hard to stay with us, they don't want to let go.
I'm not saying he made this decision lightly, I am sure he didn't. He took care in how he died, he left no mess, it was not violent - but he died and his eldest daughter had to be the one that dealt with the police and the coroner. No one should have to deal with that at 19. My sister in law and the other 2 girls live 3 hours drive away, so it was his daughter who is here at University (with support from her boyfriend and my hubby) that went to the unit and dealt with the result of his decision.
I don't believe he made the decision because he wanted to be selfish, I'm sure he thought he was being selfless - leaving to make their lives better. But it is not selfless, because someone has to deal with what is left, and that person, that sweet girl is 19.
So please can you help me understand, for I can't at this point.
And please if you suffer from depression, reach out for help, for suicide is not a selfless act, for those you leave behind will always struggle to understand. Death is final, there is no second chance. Please if you feel that isolated, that alone, find the strength to reach out. I know it is easy for me to say, I am not trivialising depression, I have seen it first hand and I know how hard it is, but my plea is for you to hang on.
Monday, November 16, 2009
On Sunday my beautiful 13 year old grand-daughter attended and danced at her very first ballroom dancing competition. She looked beautiful in her new black shoes, and her apricot top and black flippy skirt. She didn’t place out of the 5 couples dancing, but that didn’t matter, to her or to us, the fact that she found the courage to get up and dance after only a term of weekly lessons was in itself a miracle.
She proved to herself and to that moronic teacher (see my post here) that she could indeed keep time, learn the steps and have the self confidence to do it in front of a couple of hundred strangers. To her wonderful instructor Callum, thank you for taking her under your wing and for the beautiful way you encouraged her on the day. To my daughter Aimee who beamed with pride, I know you do it tough and most of us don’t outwardly acknowledge that, but I am proud of your perseverance too, I know dealing with a brain-injured daughter is not easy but it is with your love that this miracle has come to pass.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
I believe that change is a good thing, I also believe that sometimes if the change is big then 'change management' needs to be employed. So does my daughter. Case in point. I now have a new car - goodbye to my Red Racer and hello to my Black Beauty. The change was painless, and I am loving my new KAZZOOM.
My youngest grand-daughter at 20 months is a rev head like her Grandma - she loved my Red Racer, got excited when she saw it drive up to her house, loved driving with Grandma in it. Every red car was Grandma's car when she was out driving with her parents.
So my daughter was worried how she would cope with this change - so a few weeks ago she started talking to Immy about how Grandma was getting a new car and that the new car would be black. Last Saturday we popped over to christen my s-i-l's new bbq, and while there we again talked about Grandma's new car and how on Monday I was saying goodbye to my red car and getting my new shiny black car.
Monday morning's conversation in my daughter's house went something like this (from her blog Childhood 101)
D: "Mmmm.. a car?" (Not really sure where we are going with this yet!)
GD: "Red" (Though it sounded more like 'wed')
D: "Oh, a red car, yes, Grandma's car?" (My Mum drives a red car and Immy LOVES it)
GD: Murmers a sound that indicates she agrees, pauses then "Gone"
D: "Yes, Grandma's red car is gone." (My Mum is trading in her red car for a new one today)
D: "Yes, Grandma's new car is black." (Which it is)
GD: "BRRRROOOOOOM!" (Yes, I am sure it will be doing just that!)
So Monday afternoon after my massage I pop over to visit in my new black car. My s-i-l and grand-daughter were out and arrived home not long after I got there. I would hear sounds of excitement and my s-i-l saying yes Grandma's new car, lets go inside now, come on lets see if Grandma is here. It took a few minutes of persuasion to get her inside. My s-i-l said Immy was so excited she could hardly talk.
When I was leaving she came out to the car and wanted to get in, so my daughter opened the front passenger door and popped her on the seat. Immy looked at me and said 'GO' but given I had not put the child seat in the car yet we couldn't go anywhere and I explained this. So she played with the knobs and then looked at me again and said 'GO'. I again explained, that without car seat I couldn't take her but I would come on the weekend and we could go driving. So she looked at her Mum and said 'Sit here' and patted the seat, so my daughter got in and Immy climbed on her lap and looked at me and said 'GO'. I had to laugh, when were in Singapore she sat on her Mum's lap in the taxis and we went. Her solution was priceless.
Needless to say, we didn't GO as it would not have been safe, but I have a date on the weekend with my little rev head, and I hope to take my eldest grand-daughter for a ride at the same time.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
For the past 2 weeks or so I have been lucky to get more than 2-3 hours sleep before I wake up in pain, then I resettle and get another 1-2 hours maybe 3 if I am lucky, but I can't seem to sleep past 4 - 4.30 am.
This morning I got up and opened the blinds in my study and here is front of me is the most beautiful pink sunrise - a little blue sky with iridescent pink clouds getting pinker by the minute.
Just think I may have missed this if I was asleep.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Singapore - in a few words
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
I want to blog, I want to write, I keep starting and then deleting, because my words are not coming out right.
I am telling myself to be patient, it will come soon, it will come in a flurry, I just need to get it sorted in my head and then the words will flow.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."
Lewis Carroll (from Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There, 1872)
My hubby has been home now for 2 weeks - and no sign of him being whisked back to Adelaide. This weekend (which in Perth is a long one anyway) we both also took Friday and Tuesday off to spend some 'us' time together. Five whole days - wonderful.
Friday saw us head to Yanchep National Park and have a BBQ lunch, sharing the space with only the birds, the sunshine and a few flies (although really only 1 or 2). The breeze was chilly, the skies were blue and the company was special.
We had to eat keeping our eyes on the over-friendly kookaburras, magpies and 28 (Port Lincoln) parrots - all of whom thought our sausages looked like something they wanted to share.
We got to watch them brazenly come close and then try and see each other off so that they were the only ones there if a small piece of something happened to fall to the ground. Yes it was tempting to share with them, but working for a conservation agency, I know this only makes them more aggressive, and so we restrained ourselves.
What a fabulous country we live in - bushland close to our city, filled with native wildlife and with facilities that encourage you out of your lounge and into the fresh air.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Thursday morning I went to the kinder-gym with my daughter and littlest grand-daughter - there were probably about 40 kids there aged from about 10 months - 5 years.
All the equipment was set up - places for them to climb, tunnels to crawl through, trampolines to bounce on, balls to kick around, hula hoops to roll and behind all of this was the pumping music of the wiggles.
As I played with Immy I couldn't help but watch the other kids too - all of them were having a great time - no one was crying or fighting - everyone was sharing the space and just enjoying themselves.
And then Immy started to dance - she loves the Wiggles and there were a couple of songs that came on that were obviously favourites of her - and so here she was climbing and jumping and dancing all at the same time. She started clapping because she was so happy. You could not help but smile to watch her - trying to jump and dance at the same time, with a smile so wide across her face.
None of the other kids seemed at any point to be interested in the music - but Immy was - she didn't dance to all the songs, only those she obviously loved - she got so much joy out of being able to express herself - it was certainly joyful to see - for too soon the world starts to try and make us conform, I hope she continues to keep dancing when she feels like it - long after the world thinks she should stop.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Oops I did it again - got pregnant that is.
I was still technically married to your older sister's Dad although we hadn't been together for quite a while. Hadn't technically been going out with your Dad for that long either - although we had known each other as friends for a fair time before our 1st official date. Didn't really plan on it happening either - your conception that is - not loving your Dad - I sort of knew that from when I first met him - knew that we would be together forever - he is that special.
You can skip this bit if you want - but it is part of the story.
You were conceived on a night that your Dad came over for dinner, still early in our 'relationship' and lets just say dinner was not the only thing he and I shared that night. Because neither of us thought it would happen, we got caught up in the moment and didn't think 'long term'. Oops. Who would have thought I would get pregnant that easily - well later I would know that was the case, but really - the first time??
So I went to the Dr and asked to go on the pill, and told your Dad 'safe sex' had to happen until I could start taking the pill - the Dr had told me to wait until I got my next period (I know TMI) - and so I waited, and waited, and waited.
Did I think I could be pregnant - no, I had no symptoms and as I said who gets pregnant the one and only time you have unprotected sex - oops that would be me!
Dad and I kept dating, kept falling further in love, all scarily fast. One day I woke up and thought 'hang on, I have been waiting for 'you know what' (is that better?) for a few months and I know that is not unusual for my body - but 'what if?'.
So I talked it over with a friend of mine who said well go and have a test - now in those days you didn't have the home pregnancy test, you had to go and wee in a jar and then wait at least 24 hours for the results. And so I waited, I didn't say anything to your Dad, after all I was sure it would be negative - did I say how I had no symptoms. Oops, I was wrong.
So dilemma time came, what was I to do, would your Dad hang around - I knew he was the one for me, but did he feel the same, should I terminate, should I talk to someone and find out my options. Now back then abortion was not an easy thing to make happen, but it was an option if you knew the right doctor to go to - but abortion is not something I have ever been comfortable with - I mean to me it is not right to take a life because it is inconvenient - but then, what if your Dad walked away - my first husband had - could I be a Mum to 2 children on my own?
My friend said 'Well at least find out if termination is an option' and so I went and talked to another Dr who told me all about the options and to go away and think about it. So I did, I thought long and hard and while all this was happening your Dad had a 2nd thought's moment and told me things were moving too fast (if only he had known just how fast). And so I told him to go - after all, this had happened to me before and that relationship didn't last. I also realised that weekend that you were here to stay - there was no way I was letting you go.
Within 48 hours your Dad was back in our lives - but I still didn't tell him about you. Only I knew (and 1 friend) that you existed, I needed to keep you a secret for a while longer while I got the courage to tell everyone. I knew some people in my life would be unhappy and disappointed that I was again to be an unwed mother, I still wasn't sure how your Dad would react - but I was content with my decision - you were definitely part of my life.
Eventually I got the courage and told your Dad - and my family - and your sister. Dad handled it really well, was even excited - the family - well some took it better than others - your sister was over the moon. Dad moved in, we put the nay-sayers out of our minds, and we made a life together, full of love and happiness. Didn't really matter what the rest of the world thought, we knew we were in this for the long haul (and 33 years later we are still here and still happy - so I guess we did know best).
Eventually it was time for you to be born, I was huge as a house, and just like your sister - you went over your due date and so the Dr decided to induce you. I went to hospital the night before and Dad and you sister went to stay with Mimsie so that she could look after C when your Dad came back to the hospital in the morning.
Well you had other plans and I woke up at about 3.30 am and rolled over in bed and thought - oops - I had wet the bed - not a lot just a little. So rolled over again and thought - oops a little more - um maybe my waters have broken? So I laid there a little longer (I was in a shared room and didn't want to walk the other lady up) - no contractions - so I rolled over again and yep a little more wetting the bed. So I rang the nurse and they took me down to the labour ward. Still no contractions but they agreed that my waters had broken high up and so only little amounts were making there way past you (TMI?).
I asked them to ring Dad - they said 'oh let him sleep you will be hours yet" - but I somehow knew that wouldn't be the case. Eventually contractions started - really close together - not slow and steady but fast and frantic - and I again asked them to ring your Dad and they said 'oh you have hours yet'. Yeah right - what did they know.
I eventually got them to ring Dad - about 6.30 and he was on his way - but so were you - I said time to push - and they said 'oh you have hours yet' - Oops they got it wrong.
I said I don't think so and so someone looked and then then - hello - I think this baby is coming now. And so we rush to the delivery room, and they keep saying hold on the Drs not here yet.
And your Dad walks in the door and they ask 'are you the Dr' and he says no - goes pale and sweaty and comes over to me. I take one look at him - know he is going to faint and say - go outside and wait. The Dr rushes in just as you are born at 7.25 am - quick, I knew it was going to be.
Poor Dad in the meantime is waiting outside in the father's room, they had them in those days, wondering if everything is okay as he knew I was close to having the baby and no one has come and got him. Must have been about 20 mins later before someone says has anyone told the Dad. Oops poor Dad. He comes back and there you are all wrapped up, with your cute little head with lots of hair popping out the top of the swaddling. He was beaming with pride and couldn't wait to ring everyone and give them the news that we had another beautiful daughter.