Can You Help Me Understand

Yesterday my husband's brother in law committed suicide.

I know that things had not been great in their relationship, but he had 3 beautiful daughters aged 15, 16 and 19 - can someone help me understand how he could leave them behind.

I know that in his mind he probably thought he was actually doing the right thing by removing himself from their lives. But suicide is never the answer.

I understand that in the blackness that is depression that there seems that there is no light at the end of the tunnel, I have never felt that way, but I get it. What I don't get is how you can choose to leave your daughters - when people get cancer, they fight. They fight hard to stay with us, they don't want to let go.

I'm not saying he made this decision lightly, I am sure he didn't. He took care in how he died, he left no mess, it was not violent - but he died and his eldest daughter had to be the one that dealt with the police and the coroner. No one should have to deal with that at 19. My sister in law and the other 2 girls live 3 hours drive away, so it was his daughter who is here at University (with support from her boyfriend and my hubby) that went to the unit and dealt with the result of his decision.

I don't believe he made the decision because he wanted to be selfish, I'm sure he thought he was being selfless - leaving to make their lives better. But it is not selfless, because someone has to deal with what is left, and that person, that sweet girl is 19.

So please can you help me understand, for I can't at this point.

And please if you suffer from depression, reach out for help, for suicide is not a selfless act, for those you leave behind will always struggle to understand. Death is final, there is no second chance. Please if you feel that isolated, that alone, find the strength to reach out. I know it is easy for me to say, I am not trivialising depression, I have seen it first hand and I know how hard it is, but my plea is for you to hang on.

www.beyondblue.org.au

And She Danced

On Sunday my beautiful 13 year old grand-daughter attended and danced at her very first ballroom dancing competition. She looked beautiful in her new black shoes, and her apricot top and black flippy skirt. She didn’t place out of the 5 couples dancing, but that didn’t matter, to her or to us, the fact that she found the courage to get up and dance after only a term of weekly lessons was in itself a miracle.

She proved to herself and to that moronic teacher (see my post here) that she could indeed keep time, learn the steps and have the self confidence to do it in front of a couple of hundred strangers. To her wonderful instructor Callum, thank you for taking her under your wing and for the beautiful way you encouraged her on the day. To my daughter Aimee who beamed with pride, I know you do it tough and most of us don’t outwardly acknowledge that, but I am proud of your perseverance too, I know dealing with a brain-injured daughter is not easy but it is with your love that this miracle has come to pass.

Until The 12th Of Never

You ask how much I need you must I explain

I need you oh my darling like roses need rain

You ask how long I'll love you I'll tell you true

Until the 12th of Never I'll still be loving you

Hold me close never let me go hold me close melt my heart like April snow

I'll love you till the bluebells forget to bloom

I'll love you till the clover has lost its perfume

I'll love you till the poets run out of rhymes

Until the 12th of Never and that's a long long time

Until the 12th of Never and that's a long long time

The 12th of November - Our Anniversary

32 years of married life. Reflecting back I realise just how lucky we where to meet, to fall in love and to still be in love today - all these years later.

Our love is different now - it is deeper, more emotional, stronger - the rush of youthful exuberance is gone, the lust, while still there has tempered like our love into something more meaningful than just pleasure. But this is a better love, one that grips my heart so strongly that sometimes I think I won't be able to live if you should ever leave. I know that you would never willingly leave me, but as we get older the reality is that either of us could die - we can not know the extent of our journey here on earth.

The longer we are together the more I realise that I have been blessed to have you in my life, I went through many years just thinking that everyone had this type of love, but they don't, I wish they did, but I now realise is seems that only a special few have been blessed the way we have.

Love is something you have to work at, it is something you have to feed, for if you don't it peters out and dies. Love is not about 'YOU' it is about the 'OTHER' - it is about sacrifice, it is about putting the other first, it is about compromise, it is about forgiveness, it is about understanding, it is about caring, it is about accepting each other for who you are, it is about touching, it is about acknowledging that you to have faults, it is about passion, it is about a willingness to be able to step in front of a rushing train to save the other.

It is not to say that there have not been times when we have fought, when I have felt abandoned with your commitment to work, when I have not understood, when I have been angry. There have been slamming door moments, there have been the frosty times when neither of us were willing to admit we were wrong, but underneath all of that there has always been the knowledge that either of us would willingly step in front of that rushing train to save the other. That even though our views on religion, politics and so many other things may be opposite of each other - there has always been that sense of soul mates together for all time.

It is though my heart has always known you and so from that first time we kissed I knew that we would be together until the 12th of never.

So my love, thank you for the past 32 years - I look forward to spending eternity in your arms and in your heart. You are the half that makes me complete.

Change (Management)

I believe that change is a good thing, I also believe that sometimes if the change is big then 'change management' needs to be employed. So does my daughter. Case in point. I now have a new car - goodbye to my Red Racer and hello to my Black Beauty. The change was painless, and I am loving my new KAZZOOM.

My youngest grand-daughter at 20 months is a rev head like her Grandma - she loved my Red Racer, got excited when she saw it drive up to her house, loved driving with Grandma in it. Every red car was Grandma's car when she was out driving with her parents.

So my daughter was worried how she would cope with this change - so a few weeks ago she started talking to Immy about how Grandma was getting a new car and that the new car would be black. Last Saturday we popped over to christen my s-i-l's new bbq, and while there we again talked about Grandma's new car and how on Monday I was saying goodbye to my red car and getting my new shiny black car.

Monday morning's conversation in my daughter's house went something like this (from her blog Childhood 101)

GD: "Car"

D: "Mmmm.. a car?" (Not really sure where we are going with this yet!)

GD: "Red" (Though it sounded more like 'wed')

D: "Oh, a red car, yes, Grandma's car?" (My Mum drives a red car and Immy LOVES it)

GD: Murmers a sound that indicates she agrees, pauses then "Gone"

D: "Yes, Grandma's red car is gone." (My Mum is trading in her red car for a new one today)

GD: "Black"

D: "Yes, Grandma's new car is black." (Which it is)

GD: "BRRRROOOOOOM!" (Yes, I am sure it will be doing just that!)

So Monday afternoon after my massage I pop over to visit in my new black car. My s-i-l and grand-daughter were out and arrived home not long after I got there. I would hear sounds of excitement and my s-i-l saying yes Grandma's new car, lets go inside now, come on lets see if Grandma is here. It took a few minutes of persuasion to get her inside. My s-i-l said Immy was so excited she could hardly talk.

When I was leaving she came out to the car and wanted to get in, so my daughter opened the front passenger door and popped her on the seat. Immy looked at me and said 'GO' but given I had not put the child seat in the car yet we couldn't go anywhere and I explained this. So she played with the knobs and then looked at me again and said 'GO'. I again explained, that without car seat I couldn't take her but I would come on the weekend and we could go driving. So she looked at her Mum and said 'Sit here' and patted the seat, so my daughter got in and Immy climbed on her lap and looked at me and said 'GO'. I had to laugh, when were in Singapore she sat on her Mum's lap in the taxis and we went. Her solution was priceless.

Needless to say, we didn't GO as it would not have been safe, but I have a date on the weekend with my little rev head, and I hope to take my eldest grand-daughter for a ride at the same time.

ZOOM ZOOM

Sleep - Who Needs It

For the past 2 weeks or so I have been lucky to get more than 2-3 hours sleep before I wake up in pain, then I resettle and get another 1-2 hours maybe 3 if I am lucky, but I can't seem to sleep past 4 - 4.30 am.

This morning I got up and opened the blinds in my study and here is front of me is the most beautiful pink sunrise - a little blue sky with iridescent pink clouds getting pinker by the minute.

Just think I may have missed this if I was asleep.