This Body

This body of mine is truly doing my head in.

Once, long ago, I was thin, then I had 4 children and my body decided it like being bigger, and with each baby it got bigger and bigger.  So when I finished having my children I was no longer thin, not by a long shot.  I say my body decided this because I can truly say I did not eat for two, I was reasonably active and certainly having 4 children kept me running around.

My body has not varied it's weight much in the 30 years since I was pregnant with my last child.  It goes up and down by about 2-3kgs but pretty much has stuck at the same weight all that time.

I said to myself, I will be fit by 40 - didn't happen, couldn't get myself motivated and with working and raising a family I never seemed to have the time.

I said to myself, I will lose some weight by my 50th birthday - didn't happen, by then my arthritis was out of control, my motivation was zero and I was just plain tired all of the decade between 40-50.

So now I am nearly 57 and in the last year I have lost 12kgs, not through any effort but through the side-effects of one of my medications.  I am now off that medication and I have put on 1.2kgs, because my body likes being the weight it is.

I on the other hand don't.  I am tired of being obese, I am tired of hiding myself from my hubby (my issue not his), I am tired of being tired, I am trying to get fit so I can be healthier.  So I joined a gym.

My body on the other hand has other ideas.  One session and my arthritis is the worse it has been in 10 years.  I am in so much pain that it is ridiculous.  Seriously, I am over my body dictating my life ... so tomorrow I will go back to the gym, seriously body, we need to lose weight so be a little kinder to me - please!!!

See here's proof that I used to be thin!!

As a p.s. to this post, my personal trainer has just cancelled todays' session and can't fit me in until next Saturday, so is the Universe now plotting against me as well - sigh!!!

Connections to the Past

My attempt at an arty photo

Connections to family are important to me.  The vase that I grew up seeing in my Grandmother's house now sits in my house.  The chairs that belonged to my other Grandma occupy space in my study and my library.  I can see these things on a daily basis and remember the good times, the connections I had remain strong even though sadly both my grandmothers are no longer living in the physical sense.


When my hubby's mother died, his family divided up a some of wedding presents that my mother in law had kept in a cupboard and rarely used.  There were some beautiful items, and each of the children took away something that linked them back to their parents.  Hubby chose a set of six small cut crystal glasses, still with their original maker's sticker, which we have recently started using when we indulge in a little muscat, they are beautiful glasses to drink from and each and every time I feel a connection.


Last weekend a new connection to family was made when my Aunt, my father's sister, sent me a gift.


You see, when I was growing up, my Aunt and her family lived overseas for much of my childhood and then when they returned to Australia, they settled in Canberra as my Uncle was in the Diplomatic Service.


We didn't get to see them often and they were my fantasy family, living in exotic lives in far off places.  I remember how excited I was when they used to come to visit, I remember the gorgeous doll my Aunt sent me.  Later in life, my Aunt would visit more often, but still years went by between the visits.


I was overwhelmed when she contacted me recently to say she wanted to send me a gift.  It was hand delivered by her eldest son last weekend.  I am even more overwhelmed now.  So overwhelmed that I can't ring her so I wrote to her instead.  

Dear Aunty V

When you called me a few months back to say you wanted me to have your pearls I was overwhelmed with your generosity.  Little did I know how emotionally overwhelmed I would be when I actually opened them. 

While I have not had the pleasure of seeing you on a regular basis while I was growing up, or even as an adult, given the physical distance that has always separated us, I always held you warmly in my heart.

You and your children were my fantasy family, living a life of excitement, travelling and living around the world.  I am sure that your reality was in some cases quite different.

One thing I always remember when you did come to visit was the smell of your perfume when you cuddled me. That smell was reassuring, it was warming to my spirit and in some way luxurious to me.

Imagine my surprise when I opened your wrapped gift to be enveloped by that scent. I thought at first it was just the box that held the pearls, but no, it is there on the pearls themselves.  

You can not begin to understand how that made me feel. It took me back to my childhood, it took me back to your embrace and it bought more than one tear to my eye.

I will wear your pearls with pride and pleasure; I hope the scent of you remains there for a long time, a treasured reminder of the gracious and generous lady who gave them to me.

With much love
K xxx

Connections to the past keeping those people in the present.

It's All Greek To Me

Obviously Google thinks I have changed my language to Greek, or something that looks like Greek.  So everytime I Google Search I end up with Greek and English on my page.  The funniest thing is I google mapped something and the street names were in Greek.

Now I am on a Mac so normally we are free from viruses, and I certainly haven't changed my country or language settings to Greek (or whatever this foreign language is).  So I am totally bamboozled.

Hubby is going to tweak something or run some clean up something, so hopefully soon things will be 'clear as mud'.

Has this happened to you at any time?

It really is quite amusing in some ways and frustrating as hell in others.

Head Space

Do you have those days, weeks, months - the ones when your head space is clouded and dull, where everything seems too much trouble.  There are bright spots, like my massage and lunch with Amy (the best hands in Australia), cuddles and talking with my grandkids, sunshiny winter days - but mostly it is just overwhelmingly negative in my head at the moment.

Not depressed as such, but just too much to deal with, and the frustrations of trying to make things better only to be thwarted by doctors being on holidays or appointments booking into 2013.

I am not naturally a pessimistic person, always glass half full, but lately I keep getting smacked in the face by things that don't seem to be getting any better.

Take the D2, new medication - has made little to no difference.  Take the needle phobia - 3 months or more of injecting myself twice a day has not make it go away.  In fact, it is really doing my head in.  I just feel numb, so while I managed to stick that needle in, and push the injector button, I feel that each time I do a little bit of me dies.  Weird hey?  So I ask my D2 nurse if there is a support group, people going through the same crap that maybe I can join.  Seems not.  So I ask my doctor about seeing someone, sure she refers me, then he is on leave for all of this month, so who knows when I will get an appointment?  And yes, Mum, I know I can talk to you, but I don't want to, I need this to be my journey - hopefully you understand that and don't get offended.

So I am not looking forward to my visit with the D2 specialist in a couple of weeks, I know he won't be happy and that he also won't understand - after all, while he is a specialist - he doesn't suffer with D2 or have needle phobia.

Then there is the pain in my back, leg, knee and foot - all caused by the nerve in my back.  So I get a referral to a specialist - seems he can't see me until Jan 2013 - right that's a lot of help.  And I have private health, so this is not a hospital waiting list!!!.  So back to my doctors and I get a list of 4 other guys who might have shorter lists, well one has retired and two are December at the earliest.  But yippee I managed to get the 28th September - what???  That's right I am happy about an appointment months away.  Still, I need something to happen, walking around the shops today, I managed 20 minutes before I was in agony and heading back to my car.

Then there is the 12 kilos I lost because of my arthritis medication giving me diarrhoea most days, now I am off the meds, the weight is going back on.  Of course it is.  Then I hear on the radio that I need to walk briskly for an hour a day, 5 days a week.  Right, that's going to happen when I can only manage 20 slowly at the shopping centre.  Still, I am going to the gym tomorrow to see about joining.  How many hours on the weights do you think I will need to do - I hate to think, but I have to give something a try for if I go on insulin I will put weight on.

I think a lot of my issue is that I normally don't really think about myself, my focus has always been outwards - looking after every one else first and I have got into the habit of ignoring myself.  The D2 has been lurking in the background for years, I knew it was coming, I tried to avoid it, but I didn't try hard enough - it was too easy to ignore the warnings, too easy to think it would be years coming.  There were too many days of saying tomorrow, I will deal with it tomorrow.  Well you know that tomorrow never comes.

I don't know why I struggle to put myself first, but I do.  I'm not saying I am not selfish in some ways, heaps of ways even.  But it has always been easier to not think about me, it seems strange to even say that and I am not sure that anyone else would understand.

So now when I have to put myself first, well, it just seems so dammed hard, and I am so tired - emotionally, physically and mentally.  As try as I might, I just can't seem to get my head into the space it needs to be.  I even said to my Mum that maybe I just won't try, maybe it was easier to just keep ignoring until the end.  But I know the end with D2 is not pretty, but I just don't know that I can keep doing this for another 20 years, not sure I can even do it until the end of this year.

Then there is the self sabotage, suddenly I am craving all the things I am not allowed to eat, and every now and then, and some time way to often, I allow myself to indulge.  God, I am an intelligent woman - what's going on???

So excuse the indulgence of this post, I am just putting it out there in the Universe, not looking for sympathy, and not really feeling sorry for myself either, just tired, really, really tired of the crap.

Sunrise 25.6.12

Mornings like this make it worthwhile getting up early for work.