My blog expresses my views and thoughts and in no way intends to offend however that does not guarantee it wont.
I write in a stream of consciousness and sometimes the odd typo or bad grammar may appear - please excuse these.
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Saturday, July 4, 2009
The Sound Of Silence (Blogging Style)
Have you noticed my silence of late, no real blogs about me, do you check here and think 'oh Kakka is quiet at the moment'? Does that mean she is over blogging or has nothing to say?
Well neither is true, but I am feeling particularly fragile at the moment and to put it into words is scary. I try hard to live my life with the half full glass philosophy (even have started a blog about that) and I have to tell you that sometimes a very empty glass appears in my life - it doesn't usually last for long as I fill it up with something, turn around my negative feelings into something positive - after all there are a lot of positive things in my life that I can embrace and feel good about. But I am human just like the rest of you and there are things that are out of my control that I am struggling with at the moment.
One of them is my hubby being away so much, I feel lost and alone but also resentful and angry about this - and it is the last 2 that I am struggling with. I should not feel angry and resentful, especially not about him as he is doing what his job requires and one of the things I have always admired about him is his commitment and work ethic.
But he is now so caught up in what is needed that sometimes I feel he isn't here for me at all - case in point, I started working .8 in Jan on a 3 month trial - when the 3 months were up I discussed with my boss whether I would go back full time and we agreed that I would continue on at .8. I also discussed it with my hubby and told him of the outcome, we even discussed reduced money etc again. He has no recollection of this conversation and assumed I had gone back full time and when I asked him about me being home 2 days every fortnight, he didn't even realise that I was except for the odd Friday that he thought I was taking off as time in lieu for hours worked. I felt insignificant, that I meant so little in his life that he didn't really notice me at all.
Then we were going to dinner last week at a friends house and he had been told more than once that another couple who we didn't know were coming as well. When I mentioned it on the drive over he was shocked as he thought it was just the 4 of us. When I got a little cross and told him that I didn't know why I bother even telling him stuff any more and that he was making me feel like what I said was of so little importance to him - he was hurt and told me I was being harsh. But surely telling him how I feel is okay - am I suppose to bottle it all up inside?
Then there are the nights when I am feeling particularly blue and I ring him in Adelaide and he is out with the boys playing pool and having a good time - I feel angry but conflicted because I always have worried about him sitting in his hotel room and being lonely and blue and do all I can to encourage him to be a little social and when he does I feel left out of part of his life. And so then I beat myself up for being selfish, but one part of me feels I am losing him - what if he likes this other life, with no commitments and no overweight, sad and sorry wife needing his support because she is so damn lonely when he is not here.
I have always been his sounding board, his place to turn when he wants to unload his frustrations with work and life and have often felt that this was the one-sided part of our lives together - but at least occasionally he would ask me how my day was and seem to care. Now he doesn't bother at all - but happily leans on me just like always and I am trying to still be there, but I am struggling.
We talked about having a weekend away together to just leave it all behind and I thought that was going to be in mid August, but now I find we are talking some time in October - and I think - oh why bother. His talk about caring for me and acknowledging how hard this is on me as well - is just that - talk.
It feels like I have led a single life for over 12 months - with a lover who comes over on weekends and then casually leaves me behind for another week. But if I was single I wouldn't live in this big house, I wouldn't have to water the lawns and gardens or the like - because I would live in an apartment, I wouldn't have to worry about someone else just me, but I am married and I had no choice in this decision.
Yes there is light at the end of the tunnel and I know if it not an express train rushing towards me, there is now an end date in sight - but what if I am wrong, what if it is an express train - one of him moving on and me staying still. Have we lost that connection that held us together - sometimes I feel that is so - I feel lost and floating in a sea of uncertainty.
And now I will go and full up my glass to half full again - I just worry that it seems that there are so many more empty glass days over the last 3-4 weeks that I am losing the ability to fill my glass again and this should be the time of my life when my glass is running over.