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Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Moments In Time - The Baby I Never Got To Know

Many years ago when I was still married to my eldest daughter's father, I had a fall on some slippery grass while carrying a heavy load of washing out to the line - I fell awkwardly and really jolted myself. I sat there for a while in shock, then got up, put the washing back in the basket and then hung it on the line. Didn't think much more about it at the time, just that I was a little sore and really glad no-one had seen me stack it.

Next morning, my husband went off to a training course, I got up and got my daughter out of bed, gave her breakfast and dressed her, hopped into the shower and then doubled up in the most severe pain I had ever had. It came on that suddenly, wave after wave of abdominal pain - I had no idea what was happening but didn't think it could be good. I then noticed I was bleeding so knew it wasn't my appendix. But this was way too much pain for anything normal. I somehow managed to get myself dressed, all the while reassuring my nearly 2 year old daughter that all was fine.

I rang the local doctor's office to see if I could have a home visit as I didn't have a car and there was no way I could walk to his office which was over 5 kms away. He couldn't come until lunch time, so I waited, waves and waves of pain continuing to wash over me. When he came he asked me if I could be pregnant, well it was a possibility but not something we had planned. Long story short I was and I was miscarrying. I couldn't get hold of my hubby as in those days mobile phones were not invented, so I rang my Mum to take me to hospital and to then look after my daughter.

I lost this little baby that I didn't even know existed, I didn't know if it was a boy or a girl, but before I could even say hello, it was taken from me. I would have been somewhere around 12-14 weeks pregnant, I had no symptoms and never had a chance to get excited about this little ones birth. I felt bewildered, sad and lost - it was too soon to mourn as I never had known my baby was part of me until it was taken away - but I did wonder in the weeks and months that followed who my baby would have been and did the fall the day before take my little angel away. I told myself that this was the way it was meant to be as I believe miscarriages happen for a reason.

But even today,
every now and then, I do sit and wonder how my life would have been different with that little one in my life. I like to believe that my little angel has come back to me as one of my other children or one of my grand-daughters - how wonderful if that was the case. These memories don't come often any more but every now and then they reappear.


  1. Wow, what a moving story, I am so sorry for your loss. It must ahve been a really strange time for you, not knowing and then losing that little baby before you even got a chance to love it.

    "I like to believe that my little angel has come back to me as one of my other children or one of my grand-daughters - how wonderful if that was the case."

    I hope so, a psychic once told me that this is often the case.

    Thanks for sharing.

  2. Thanks Melissa and alliecat for your thoughtful comments. It was many, many years ago and most of the time I give it little thought anymore, but given I am in this reflective mood it came up again and gave me the chance to write down what I had felt which I have never done before. I appreciate your support and caring more than you could know. xxx

  3. When reading this blog of yours it brought back to me the memory of a miscarriage I had many, many years back. Very similar to your experience I didn't really know I was pregnant (I usually didn't)and to lose that little one was a shock. Even though it is now over 50 years since it happened I too sometimes think "What If?" so I can fully understand your feelings about the little one you lost. I love you and know just what you meant when you wrote about it. xx



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