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Thursday, May 12, 2011

Insanity - Menopause? Drugs? Life?

Over the last few weeks I have had days I could have sworn I was going insane. Jittery nerves, sensory overload, lack of sleep, exhaustion and rage.

I never really suffered PMS or PMT (depending on where you grew up) during my reproductive years. Maybe every 3rd or 4th period I would have a day or so of short temperedness, although maybe my family would say differently. But never the all out symptoms I heard lots of my friends talk about.

Menopause has been sort of the same, minor hot flushes, a few 'blonde' moments here and there, but nothing too bad. Now I am only just beginning down the road, although over 15 years of being told I am peri-menopausal makes me wonder how long this journey actually takes. So far I have avoided HRT and hope not to have to take that path.

I am also on new drugs to try and help my arthritis, they can affect mood. I am also stressed at work. So Menopause? Drugs? Life? What is causing this insanity of mine.

This insanity picks away at me, and I am sure others should be able to see it, but they don't. Which just makes me feel more insane because does that mean on the outside I look fine and it is only in my mind that I am screaming at everyone? And really, yes that is the case, I take all my power and control myself, so it is only me that hears my voice in my head screaming ... screaming 'shut the f... up' when people are talking to me, or seeing myself take a baseball bat to the neighbour because he is laughing to loud while I am trying to go to sleep. I am not a violent person by nature, but truly if I had a baseball bat I think I may have jumped the fence and beaten him to death.

I can not stand crowds at the best of times but now even small crowds, even if the crowd is my family, is too much. It all takes too much of me to smile and stay sane. I think that is part of the reason I am so tired all the time, all that effort is exhausting.

My hubby sees a little bit of it, but not all, he sort of gets it, but not really - I don't really get it myself so how can he. But he is made of strong stuff and still cuddles me and loves me, ignoring the prickles that must be poking out from my skin. And his hand on my head, his caress of my back, they soothe my soul.

Insanity, is not all it is cracked up to be, I am not of in cuckoo land, or with the fairies, I am still walking, talking, working, but at great cost. I feel like I am running on adrenaline, it is not a good feeling.

I can categorically say it is not depression, I am not depressed, but bloody cranky pretty much every other day. It is sort of like PMS on steroids.

So the question still remains, menopause, drugs or life? Or is it just a combination of all three?


  1. I feel you are suffering a combination of many things. You have pressures in your life (work, family, health) and this new medication can be to blame for lots of it. I have suffered many of the symptoms you mention without ever knowing what is causing it. I myself feel that severe and quite constant pain can have an affect on your mind as one suffers frustration all the time and you are rather young to have to deal with all of it.
    You say you dont want to talk but you do know where I am if you do need to chat with someone who does understand. xxxx

  2. Dear Kakka,
    Things are obviously really rough for you at present. I can't offer any advice but to wonder if you may be speaking to someone about it? A psychologist perhaps?
    Just a thought - my therpist has brought a degree of clarity and information to my life and has given me the tools I needed to stand on my own.
    Lots of love,
    Rianna xo

  3. 'Therapist' unfortunately she has not been able to get me to proof-read anything ;)

  4. Im sorry you are feeling like this, hormonal issues can wreak havoc on everyday life :( but you'd be surprised at how much work and life stresses can add to personal well being. Is it possble to get some time off (holidays) to see if its making you worse?
    Hope you are feeling better soon xxx

  5. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I have no helpful advice - I'm feeling this way myself quite a bit.

    I hope you can get to the bottom of it soon though.

  6. The menopausal symptom I enjoyed most was the feeling that I was the only intelligent person left in the world. Out of this symptom grew a saying that has stuck with me and my family to this day. If my husband or my daughter or even one of my friends has to admit that "I was right" about something...either myself or one of those present will say "I'm always right or She's always right"
    My family and friends could save so much time and energy if they would just realize that "I'm always right".
    Some of these symptoms will stay with you for life.

  7. Getting older sucks. I think it's a combination of the three. I'm on meds for anxiety, depression, arthritis, fibromyalgia and I don't really want to take any more. So far I've gotten away without HRT.
    I do find the hot flushes embarrassing - they usually occur at the worst time. But I'm saving an awful lot on winter clothes!
    The worst thing for me is that it's so hard to lose weight now. I really have to work twice as hard to see any results.
    If you find the answer, please share!

  8. Thanks every one for taking the time to comment. The one thing I think that women don't share a lot about it menopause, hearing (seeing) your comments makes me feel I am not alone and for that I thank you all.

    I have booked holidays for late July early August and my hubby and I will run away for a few days and just relax ... so looking forward to that.



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