I never really suffered PMS or PMT (depending on where you grew up) during my reproductive years. Maybe every 3rd or 4th period I would have a day or so of short temperedness, although maybe my family would say differently. But never the all out symptoms I heard lots of my friends talk about.
Menopause has been sort of the same, minor hot flushes, a few 'blonde' moments here and there, but nothing too bad. Now I am only just beginning down the road, although over 15 years of being told I am peri-menopausal makes me wonder how long this journey actually takes. So far I have avoided HRT and hope not to have to take that path.
I am also on new drugs to try and help my arthritis, they can affect mood. I am also stressed at work. So Menopause? Drugs? Life? What is causing this insanity of mine.
This insanity picks away at me, and I am sure others should be able to see it, but they don't. Which just makes me feel more insane because does that mean on the outside I look fine and it is only in my mind that I am screaming at everyone? And really, yes that is the case, I take all my power and control myself, so it is only me that hears my voice in my head screaming ... screaming 'shut the f... up' when people are talking to me, or seeing myself take a baseball bat to the neighbour because he is laughing to loud while I am trying to go to sleep. I am not a violent person by nature, but truly if I had a baseball bat I think I may have jumped the fence and beaten him to death.
I can not stand crowds at the best of times but now even small crowds, even if the crowd is my family, is too much. It all takes too much of me to smile and stay sane. I think that is part of the reason I am so tired all the time, all that effort is exhausting.
My hubby sees a little bit of it, but not all, he sort of gets it, but not really - I don't really get it myself so how can he. But he is made of strong stuff and still cuddles me and loves me, ignoring the prickles that must be poking out from my skin. And his hand on my head, his caress of my back, they soothe my soul.
Insanity, is not all it is cracked up to be, I am not of in cuckoo land, or with the fairies, I am still walking, talking, working, but at great cost. I feel like I am running on adrenaline, it is not a good feeling.
I can categorically say it is not depression, I am not depressed, but bloody cranky pretty much every other day. It is sort of like PMS on steroids.
So the question still remains, menopause, drugs or life? Or is it just a combination of all three?