Sunrise 25.6.12

Mornings like this make it worthwhile getting up early for work.

A P.S to the Letter

A p.s. to yesterday's letter post, and another note to my children, grandchildren or my mother.

If you choose to read this post, please don't let my feelings influence you, it is my letter to my father and let's leave it at that.  I don't want you to let him know, I don't want you to think any less of him, I just need to write this letter and leave it out there in the Universe.



So Dad, thanks for calling me back today to say your got my message.  Thanks also for telling me how my step sister came down and made you breakfast, how you went to lunch and spent the afternoon with my step brother.  Of course, you didn't want a big fuss, shame how they made you do it.

Me bitter, no not much, just resigned to never being good enough for you.  To being told not to come, not to make a fuss and then find out that everyone else did ... you see I sort of knew that would happen and I think you did too.  In fact, you let slip that you had arranged the lunch a few weeks ago.  Sure the breakfast may have been a surprise, but I'm sure your girlfriend knew her daughter was coming and she didn't seem to mind.  But she is not well enough for us, even though I said I would bring the cake and make the cups of tea and do the dishes.  No I'm not bitter Dad, just overwhelmed with disappointment, yet again.

Oh and thanks for asking how I am going, oh wait you didn't did you.  Surprise!

Much love to you, glad you had a good day.

From your daughter, the one that carries your blood in her veins, but luckily has no other resemblance to who you are.  I think I am the lucky one there.

Letters I've Written Never Meaning To Send

There is a line the song Knights In White Satin, that goes some like the title of this post.

I believe that there is some good advice in that, in writing a letter, knowing that you will never send it.  It's a way to get it all out and then hopefully let it go.  The person the letter is to never knowing what you said.

So before I start, if you are one of my children, grandchildren or my mother, this letter is not for you.  If you choose to read it, please don't let my feelings influence you, it is my letter to my father and let's leave it at that.  I don't want you to let him know, I don't want you to think any less of him, I just need to write this letter and leave it out there in the Universe.  Please do not tell Dad either, he knows that I am uspet, but I have chosen not to tell him, as it would upset him too.



Dear Dad

Today you celebrate your 80th birthday, quite an achievement, and as you so like to brag, everything is still working and you are on no medication.  Of course, that doesn't mean you don't need to be on medication, just you choose not too.  It also doesn't mean that someone isn't slipping stuff into your food, it has been done before, to keep you relaxed ... I'll let you work out who that someone might be, just know that it isn't me and maybe I should have told you, but you choose who you have in your life not me.

Shame that you don't really care to ask after my health, cause I'm not doing so good, mentally or physically at the moment.  But then, you really have never cared for anyone, the way your care about yourself.  So I don't know why I am surprised.

You tell me that the ball is in my court, but when I want to come and see you for your birthday, well it is just not convenient and you aren't really celebrating.  Really?  Then why are you not home when I ring?  No don't bother to tell me, I'll work it out myself.

You tell me that you still haven't gotten over my husband standing up for me in my house when you just wouldn't let it go. Of course, you had to be right, you weren't and I know that, but of course in your head you were.  So bullying me into your way of thinking is okay.  But it is not okay for my hubby to tell you to shut up, because really, we all were just sick and tired of you.  Our house remember, not yours.  It was nearly two years ago, let it go now.  Or is your ego so bruised because someone finally told you the truth?

So while I am on the subject of letting things go, obviously you think it is okay for me to get over your abandonment of me because compared to my hubby telling you to shut up, just the once is much worse?

What you didn't abandon me because my mother left you and took the children.  Of course, that is true.  But she did not stop you from seeing us ... that was your choice.

You soon hooked up with your floozy with a couple of kids of her own, and well, what was it that you said?  Oh that's right, it was for our benefit that you decided not to try and blend our families.  Right, our benefit, not yours?  Of course if was for your benefit, you didn't have the balls to stand up to her and tell her that your kids meant something to you.  Oh but wait, maybe we didn't.

Oh, and it is okay that your next relationship also came with kids, and you easily slotted them right into your life.  Your son still has not forgiven you for that ... hence the lack of contact.  But hey, you didn't do anything wrong did you?

I could go on and on about all the things you have done, or more importantly - not done, for me over the years.  But I should move on from those shouldn't I?  Or is it that you really think you have been and still are the perfect man, the perfect husband, the perfect father?

Hate to tell you Dad, but you have never, ever come close to being perfect .. but strangely enough I still find it in my heart to love you, to forgive you ... shame you can't do the same, because well, my hubby stood up to you and told you to shut up.

Happy Birthday Dad, hope you had a good one, I left you a message ... hope you got it, it was just Happy Birthday after all.

The letter, well the letter may let you know what I really think.  But then I'm not going to send it cause the ball is in my court and I choose to keep you in my life, not sure why, maybe I'm just have too big a heart.

K

How could you not love this face?

Hubby sent me this photo yesterday morning.  He was playing around with his new camera.  I mean, how could you not love this little face??

Decisions, decisions, decisions

Shall I go to Blogopolis in Sydney at the end of this month?  I have bought a ticket, but not yet booked my flights or accommodation because I am torn about going.  Will I get anything out of the conference, it is a lot of money and a long way to travel.

I need to make up my mind soon, but I really just can not decide.

If I decide not to go, I will be giving away my ticket rather than on-selling, so maybe that is what I should do, see if anyone else wants to go in my place.

I am certainly in an indecisive mood at the moment!!!

Good morning Grandma

This is what greeted me this morning when logging onto Facebook.  Photos of my littlest grand-daughter smiling up at her older sister.  The first blossoming of real smiles, the forging of bonds between sisters.

These are the things that keep me going every day, little surprises of such an adorable nature.

I hope you are having a wonderful weekend wherever you are.  xxx