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My blog expresses my views and thoughts and in no way intends to offend however that does not guarantee it wont.

I write in a stream of consciousness and sometimes the odd typo or bad grammar may appear - please excuse these.

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Saturday, June 16, 2012

Letters I've Written Never Meaning To Send

There is a line the song Knights In White Satin, that goes some like the title of this post.

I believe that there is some good advice in that, in writing a letter, knowing that you will never send it.  It's a way to get it all out and then hopefully let it go.  The person the letter is to never knowing what you said.

So before I start, if you are one of my children, grandchildren or my mother, this letter is not for you.  If you choose to read it, please don't let my feelings influence you, it is my letter to my father and let's leave it at that.  I don't want you to let him know, I don't want you to think any less of him, I just need to write this letter and leave it out there in the Universe.  Please do not tell Dad either, he knows that I am uspet, but I have chosen not to tell him, as it would upset him too.

Dear Dad

Today you celebrate your 80th birthday, quite an achievement, and as you so like to brag, everything is still working and you are on no medication.  Of course, that doesn't mean you don't need to be on medication, just you choose not too.  It also doesn't mean that someone isn't slipping stuff into your food, it has been done before, to keep you relaxed ... I'll let you work out who that someone might be, just know that it isn't me and maybe I should have told you, but you choose who you have in your life not me.

Shame that you don't really care to ask after my health, cause I'm not doing so good, mentally or physically at the moment.  But then, you really have never cared for anyone, the way your care about yourself.  So I don't know why I am surprised.

You tell me that the ball is in my court, but when I want to come and see you for your birthday, well it is just not convenient and you aren't really celebrating.  Really?  Then why are you not home when I ring?  No don't bother to tell me, I'll work it out myself.

You tell me that you still haven't gotten over my husband standing up for me in my house when you just wouldn't let it go. Of course, you had to be right, you weren't and I know that, but of course in your head you were.  So bullying me into your way of thinking is okay.  But it is not okay for my hubby to tell you to shut up, because really, we all were just sick and tired of you.  Our house remember, not yours.  It was nearly two years ago, let it go now.  Or is your ego so bruised because someone finally told you the truth?

So while I am on the subject of letting things go, obviously you think it is okay for me to get over your abandonment of me because compared to my hubby telling you to shut up, just the once is much worse?

What you didn't abandon me because my mother left you and took the children.  Of course, that is true.  But she did not stop you from seeing us ... that was your choice.

You soon hooked up with your floozy with a couple of kids of her own, and well, what was it that you said?  Oh that's right, it was for our benefit that you decided not to try and blend our families.  Right, our benefit, not yours?  Of course if was for your benefit, you didn't have the balls to stand up to her and tell her that your kids meant something to you.  Oh but wait, maybe we didn't.

Oh, and it is okay that your next relationship also came with kids, and you easily slotted them right into your life.  Your son still has not forgiven you for that ... hence the lack of contact.  But hey, you didn't do anything wrong did you?

I could go on and on about all the things you have done, or more importantly - not done, for me over the years.  But I should move on from those shouldn't I?  Or is it that you really think you have been and still are the perfect man, the perfect husband, the perfect father?

Hate to tell you Dad, but you have never, ever come close to being perfect .. but strangely enough I still find it in my heart to love you, to forgive you ... shame you can't do the same, because well, my hubby stood up to you and told you to shut up.

Happy Birthday Dad, hope you had a good one, I left you a message ... hope you got it, it was just Happy Birthday after all.

The letter, well the letter may let you know what I really think.  But then I'm not going to send it cause the ball is in my court and I choose to keep you in my life, not sure why, maybe I'm just have too big a heart.



  1. Sometimes you just have to get it out where you can look at it and touch it (and then burn it). I feel your pain.

    1. @mybabyjohn - thanks for taking the time to understand. I don't know that I will leave this here forever, but I just needed to get it out tonight. You are a true friend xxx

  2. {{{hugs}}} I get it. Needing to get it out (in writing) and also knowing that if sent, it would never be heard. Sending you love. xo

    1. P.S. You are such an incredibly beautiful and gentle soul. It makes me sad that your father doesn't have the capacity to see that.

    2. @Wanderlust, hugs right back at you my love. The shame of the matter is that my father only ever sees himself. I sometime wonder how anyone can be that way, it is one of the mysteries I will never solve. Thanks for your caring and beautiful words. xxx



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