Is That A Train ... Or Light At The End Of The Tunnel?

There is the slightest possibility that there may be a light, a pain free light, at the end of the long dark tunnel.

Now I am not getting my hopes up (well trying really hard not too) but the pain specialist I saw today said he may be able to take some of my lower back and leg pain away.

I had got myself into such a bad way that I was shedding tears on the way to the appointment, I had diarrhoea before I left the house (4 times and took gastro stop just in case), certain that he would say there was nothing he could do.  I even made hubby take me because I knew if he said 'sorry' I would dissolve into a puddle on the floor, just like the witch in the Wizard of Oz.  A huge puddle of tears, that is the tightrope I am walking on at the moment, that is the sort of pressure I am feeling.

Because, you see, he is my last hope.  My last hope that I can get back to walking without pain, standing without pain, and sometimes even sitting without pain.  My last hope that I might be able to travel overseas, or even somewhere closer without it being a waste of money because all I can do is sit.

He is not giving me a 100% assurance, but he is willing to try, and if that doesn't work to try something else.

So Universe, it is time you gave this little black duck a good outcome, because she is not sure she is up for another failure.

Thanks for popping by xxx

Everyone's Waiting

I know all the lines to say

The part I am expect to play

But in the reflection I am worlds away

As I put my costume on

Eyelashes one by one

Been doing this so long I can tie the knot

Behind my back

And everyone's waiting

but it's getting harder to hear what my heart is saying

Cos everyone's waiting

"Just swallow and breath" she says

"Remember this aint for you it's for them

And all of those painful lessons you've had to learn

You gotta use them now or never"

Cos everyone's waiting

But it's getting harder to hear

What my heart keeps saying

Turn it off, I wanna turn it all off

When everyone's waiting

It makes it harder to hear what my heart keeps saying

Turn it off, I wanna turn it all off

But everyone's waiting

I hear that answers appear when you just stand still

But make it all, how do you make it all stop

When everyone's waiting?

Everyone's waiting

Written by Missy Higgins and Dan Wilson (copyright 2012)

Another song that is speaking so much to me at the moment.

Fire and Rain

I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again

Been walking my mind to an easy time my back turned towards the sun
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn your head around
Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things to come
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end

I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend

(James Taylor)

Back in the early 70's (late 60's) I went through a hippy stage, loving the cheesecloth long dresses and flowers in the hair, getting into folk and soft rock songs.

James Taylor, Melanie, Crosby Stills Nash and Young, Cat Stevens, Bob Dylan were favourites alongside my harder rock of Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, The Who and Cream.

Fire and Rain was a song I used to love.  It bespoke of loves and friendships lost, and I had a few of them, just like most teenage girls.

This last week it is back in my top 10, seems to be on repeat as I listen to my iPod or iTunes on my computer, I even have the Birdy version recently released.

I think it is reflecting just how I am feeling, the confusion and anxiety, the loss of things loved ...

Up On The Roof is on rotation a lot as well

When this old world starts getting me down
and people are just to much for me to face
I'll climb way up to the top of the stairs and all my cares just drift right into space
On the roof, it's peaceful as can be and there the world below don't bother me, no, no

(Goffin/King)

I am unable to go Up On The Roof, but I am working from home in my space, with my music playing on speakers rather than through earbuds, the windows open filling the house with fresh air rather than the stifling air conditioning of work, enjoying my climbing rose's greenness through the window, away from other people's crap - I am seriously not very generous about some of my fellow workers selfish ways right about now and being there with them is all a little too much.

So here I am, safe from the corporate world, breathing and letting it go.

Thanks to everyone for their supportive comments, their cyber love and hugs, you all bring a smile to my face.  My family have been beyond wonderful as well.

Thanks for popping by xxx

Making Lemonade

I am trying hard to make lemonade from the lemons we were dealt last week, I am trying, really I am.

But no matter how much sugar (retail therapy) I try to put into my life, no matter how much fizz (family and friends) I try to add, the fact is that lemons are sour, and these lemons are the sourest ones ever.

There is little I can do but wait it out, knowing that things will turn around, but right at this moment, right here, right now ... that is way too far away.

Hoping your week is going better than mine.

Thanks for popping by xxx

The Day The Thieves Came To Call

Monday, I woke up feeling like crap, thought about having the day off, but had a meeting that was important for someone else, so soldiered on and went to work.

Was that a good thing or not?

Because sometime that day, thieves came a calling on our house.

Would they not have come if I was home, or would they have come anyway and then I would had the whole home invasion thing.

You see, they came not to steal from our house, although they did that too, they came to take my hubby's car (and possibly mine).  Hubby drove a Subaru Impreza WRX, pearl white in colour with leather seats and sunroof.  The car he had wanted for so long and finally could afford to buy.

Of course, hubby was at work and so they did what they do now, they ransack your house to find the spare car keys and then they come back later and steal your car.

We thought we had outsmarted them, we moved both our cars, but somehow they found hubby's car anyway.  It was just a kilometre or so away, but it is too random that they saw it there from a casual drive by as my daughter is not on a main road.  So they either followed us there when we were dropping it off, or they followed my daughter home when she dropped us back here.  All of that leaves an unsavoury taste in my mouth, but I refuse to get paranoid, well not much anyway.

The bastards, broke into my daughter's car, pushed it out of the way and drove off in hubby's.  The hysterical phone call I got from my daughter at 7am in the morning was horrible.  I felt horrible for her, she felt horrible for us.  To make matters worse, she had already had been broken into and robbed before, once when she and my grand-daughter were asleep so it bought back so many memories for her.

My car was safely tucked away at a friends, who also lives fairly close by and is now hidden somewhere else waiting for the new electronic key to come from the Eastern States.

The forensic policewoman told us they were after the car as soon as she saw hubby's car in the driveway, after checking the house for fingerprints and finding none, she told us they were professionals, she could tell by the way they wiped things clean.  Her theory was they knew our routine, that's a little scary too.

Hubby doesn't want his car back, he hopes it's gone for good.  Of course, if we get it back we will sell it quickly and get him a new one.

It is quite sad that someone covets something you have worked so hard for, feels that it is okay to just come and take it.  I am consoling myself in the fact that I am surrounded by so many good people, so the few bad apples can not break me down.  Hubby is not coping that well, his depression is back BIG TIME.  He just can't understand how someone thinks it is okay to do this.  He will be okay though, cause he has me and a great family that will work to keep him well.  His work is also being supportive which is good.

To me, the most important things in my life are my family, friends and animals.  As long as they are all safe, then my world is okay.  Sure I lost lots, all my jewelry including my Aunt's pearls.  Also gone is my grandmothers canteen of cutlery, nearly 100 years old, silver with mother of pearl handles in a beautiful polished wooden canteen, lined with crushed velvet.  We didn't use it, but it had sentimental value.  But they are just things, irreplaceable things, but things none the less.

Life goes on, thieves came a calling, but they won't break me, because I just won't let them.

Magpies

The wonderful 'The Elephant's Child' often share photos of the beautiful birds that share her garden, or that she find on her travels.

A couple of weeks ago she shared some magpie photos, which made me go back into my archives to find the few that I had taken back in 2010 when we were visiting Margaret River.  This guys followed us around for ages, really curious to see what we where doing in his territory.  At one point he even tried to get into our car.


I love magpies, they forage in our garden for grubs, or for twigs for their nest.  Just this morning I saw a lone magpie take on, and chase away, 2 black cockatoos that got a little to close to her/his nest.


They have the most amazing singing voice, and call to each other, warbling away under the sprinkler on hot summer mornings, or sipping water from puddles left when the sprinkler has finished.

They may be only black and white birds, but each has a distinctive marking and the ones I love the best are the males with the solid white backs.

So today I am wearing black and white as my outfit when popping out to meet my son for lunch.

Call it my magpie inspired outfit.

Thanks for popping by xxx

The WEIGHT, oh the WEIGHT

You know that crushing weight, the weight of other people's expectations, the weight of your own, the weight of work deadlines, the weight of dealing with other people's agendas, the weight of pain, the weight of dealing with a chronic illness or two.

Well right about now I am feeling CRUSHED by all that weight.

Apparently though, I have a way out.

It is okay to tell people NO (albeit in a nice way).

It is okay to tell people you will not get caught up in their bullshit.

It is okay for me to put myself first, if not all the time at least some of the time.

It is okay to be pissed off with the Universe, even though there are others dealing with bigger issues than me.

It is okay to unload right here on my blog.

It's okay because John (my psychologist) told me it is okay, and you know what, I think he is right.  It's time I broke the mould I have been living in all my life because it has been unhealthy for me mentally.

DO YOU HEAR THAT UNIVERSE???

From now on there will be a feistier, stand up for myself type of personality here, you better get used to it!!!

And just in case that was a little scary, know that I love all my cyber friends that come to visit, you make my days way more bearable.

Thanks for popping by xxx

When the bed just isn't big enough anymore

I have no idea how some parents co-sleep, especially if they have a brood of children.  I am currently relegated to the spare bed as hubby and I and two cats just are too many beings for one queen sized bed.

It's funny how cats being such small creatures take up so much room. In Summer they lie across the bed stretched out to keep cool and in Winter they snuggle so close they are almost claustrophobic against you.

With my arthritis I am often awake and moving around to try and get comfortable, Max follows me, snuggling close.  More often than not I end up with a sliver of mattress right on the edge of the bed.

So I gave up and retreated to the spare room some nights ago.  Max has followed and he is currently snuggled up next to me, taking up half of a double bed, snoring his little head off. I can take some comfort in that at least I have the other half and not a sliver!!

Mind you he is a comfort given I am awake at 3 in the morning in pain and struggling with anxiety at the same time.  But more on that in another post.

How many beings share your bed?

Thanks for popping by xxx

A Father's Day Gift

Like most men in the late 50's my hubby has pretty much everything he wants and if he doesn't he goes out and buys it for himself.  He is a man of simple tastes, except for his drum kits, he likes to potter in the garden, listen to music and occasionally read a book.

This year as usual he got gift cards for Bunnings and we had a quiet afternoon tea with my parents.  My mother, also bought hubby a gift.  She always does, he always tells her not too as he is not her Dad, but she likes to come bearing gifts.

Rather than buy him a gift card, she bought him a Newton's Cradle.  We left it sitting on the breakfast bar after my parents had left, both of us where down the other end of the house when I heard the click, click, click of the balls bouncing off each other.  Sneaking down the hall with my iPhone at the ready, I found just what I thought I would find.

Hope you enjoy ....



I'm not sure how to make this only show the latest video, so you get three for the price of one!

Thanks for popping by xxx