The Time Has Come

"The time has come," the Walrus said,

"To talk of many things:

Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--

Of cabbages--and kings--

And why the sea is boiling hot--

And whether pigs have wings."

"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,

"Before we have our chat;

For some of us our out of breath,

And all of us are fat!"

"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.

They thanked him much for that.

The Walrus and the Carpenter is a poem by Lewis Carroll that appears within his 1871 novel, Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There

It's been a while since I've been here, and I appreciate that many of you may still visit me now and then and say "No hurry" just like the Carpenter.

There is much to talk about, but I'm not sure how much I will actually put here, as I don't want to engage in a pity party, or a pat me on the back party either.  So this will be a stream of conscience sort of post and we will see where it takes me.

Work - things have been interesting to say the least at work, it has been a time of extreme stress for me, a time when I have felt I lost control of a situation through no fault of my own.  It bought me close to the point of resignation, but ultimately I have stayed as I enjoy what I do and who I work with and I get a great sense of achievement in most things my team do as well.  Personalities will always bring with them issues, and I am the first to admit I don't deal with confrontation well, and so I have left things slide rather than deal with them to the detriment of my own personal sanity.  I am pleased to say though that the Universe has provided me with an alternative that removes some of the issues, and while it has also bought more pressure and stress, ultimately it will be the best outcome for myself, the team and the team member that originally bought it all to a head.

One major bonus of working for the same organisation (although it has had 4 name changes since I started) for nearly 30 years, is that I have a lot of sick leave owing to me, which has allowed me to take the time to recover from surgery.

Total Knee Replacement Surgery - my left knee has caused me grief for a long time.  About 2 to 3 years ago I noticed one day that my knee had virtually collapsed outwards, bowing my leg and making my knee swell.  It wasn't however, particularly painful, just the odd night when it ached or the odd day at work when I found myself rubbing it without actually realising I was doing so.  What it has done though is impact badly on my left side - ankle, hip, lower back - to the point that walking or particular standing still for any length of time was excruciatingly painful.  I did well on our trip to Alaska, better than I thought I would, but not without times when I resented that I couldn't do more.

So on the 17th December I entered hospital to have the knee replaced.  My surgeon was to comment to me post surgery, that my knee was BAD, VERY BAD in fact much worse than the x-rays had shown.  I regret not asking for photos now!!

I was in hospital for only 4 nights and discharged home under the tender and loving care of my hubby (that man is amazing).  What I was not prepared for in the weeks post surgery is how much pain I would be in while I recovered.  I know everyone told me this is the most painful surgery ever, but even then, I didn't think it would be like this.  There have been nights (which are the worst with regard to pain) when I have sobbed in my bed wishing I had a chain-saw to just chop the bloody leg off.

Getting ready to stand for the first time, 1 day post op

Large bandage removed, day 2 post op so I get to see my leg, and the swelling which doesn't look too bad here but has increased so my left thigh and knee are about 3 to 4 times larger than my right leg.

Staples galore

The day the staples came out

Part of my problem is I am unable to take codeine which is a wonderful pain reliever and I am limited to panadol, a small amount of endone (which has other disastrous consequences) and a slow release patch on my back for 4 weeks.  After seeing the surgeon at the Week 4 mark, I am off the endone and on slow release Tramal as I can't take the instant relief one either because of side effects.

But I am told I am not alone in this, many people suffer the same issues, lack of sleep, pain at night, wanting to cut their leg off, and that it can take up to 6 months before this all settles down.  As my Physio says, all the muscles, tendons and ligaments have been pulled wide apart so they can cut the bone/knee out and have to readjust back to where they need to be, apart from the fact my major muscles are out of whack from the years of not having my knee track where is should.  So some are too tight, some are too lose and some have not worked at all and now I am asking them too and so they are pissed off about it and letting me know.

Head Space - but what all this has done is put me in a horrid place mentally.  I'm the woman that always sees the glass as half full, sees the best in people and situations, tries to turn bad into good, sees the bright side, you get my drift.  But seriously I struggled to do any of that, and that, even more than the pain and lack of sleep was pulling me down to depression, to endless bouts of crying for no good purposes, for withdrawing into myself and not wanting to share where I am.  Hence the lack of posts since late November.



I wrote all the above towards the middle of February and then walked away before I hit publish.  I wasn't ready to let it out there.

Finally at the 4 month mark, I can say I am starting to see the bright side, there is less pain at night, I have 122 degrees bend (max of 130 is possible) post surgery.  I still have to walk with a cane as my leg muscles are still to weak, but with exercise they are slowly getting stronger.

I couldn't have got here without the amazing support of my hubby, my family and my work colleagues.  I was due to go back to work early in Feb.  I managed half a day and then fled.  I didn't go back until the end of Feb and then I am pleased to say I was ready.

There are still issues at work that do my head in, but there is an end in sight with a contract finishing in a couple of months, and a staff member returning and I look forward to her energy back in the office.

I don't know if I ever will blog as much as I used to, but you never know.

Thanks for popping by xxxx

Someone was happy to see me home and to keep me company in the hours of pain and struggle during the night.