Welcome to my blog.

My blog expresses my views and thoughts and in no way intends to offend however that does not guarantee it wont.

I write in a stream of consciousness and sometimes the odd typo or bad grammar may appear - please excuse these.

Please feel free to leave a comment if something inspires you to do so.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

The Time Has Come

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us our out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

The Walrus and the Carpenter is a poem by Lewis Carroll that appears within his 1871 novel, Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There

It's been a while since I've been here, and I appreciate that many of you may still visit me now and then and say "No hurry" just like the Carpenter.

There is much to talk about, but I'm not sure how much I will actually put here, as I don't want to engage in a pity party, or a pat me on the back party either.  So this will be a stream of conscience sort of post and we will see where it takes me.

Work - things have been interesting to say the least at work, it has been a time of extreme stress for me, a time when I have felt I lost control of a situation through no fault of my own.  It bought me close to the point of resignation, but ultimately I have stayed as I enjoy what I do and who I work with and I get a great sense of achievement in most things my team do as well.  Personalities will always bring with them issues, and I am the first to admit I don't deal with confrontation well, and so I have left things slide rather than deal with them to the detriment of my own personal sanity.  I am pleased to say though that the Universe has provided me with an alternative that removes some of the issues, and while it has also bought more pressure and stress, ultimately it will be the best outcome for myself, the team and the team member that originally bought it all to a head.

One major bonus of working for the same organisation (although it has had 4 name changes since I started) for nearly 30 years, is that I have a lot of sick leave owing to me, which has allowed me to take the time to recover from surgery.

Total Knee Replacement Surgery - my left knee has caused me grief for a long time.  About 2 to 3 years ago I noticed one day that my knee had virtually collapsed outwards, bowing my leg and making my knee swell.  It wasn't however, particularly painful, just the odd night when it ached or the odd day at work when I found myself rubbing it without actually realising I was doing so.  What it has done though is impact badly on my left side - ankle, hip, lower back - to the point that walking or particular standing still for any length of time was excruciatingly painful.  I did well on our trip to Alaska, better than I thought I would, but not without times when I resented that I couldn't do more.

So on the 17th December I entered hospital to have the knee replaced.  My surgeon was to comment to me post surgery, that my knee was BAD, VERY BAD in fact much worse than the x-rays had shown.  I regret not asking for photos now!!

I was in hospital for only 4 nights and discharged home under the tender and loving care of my hubby (that man is amazing).  What I was not prepared for in the weeks post surgery is how much pain I would be in while I recovered.  I know everyone told me this is the most painful surgery ever, but even then, I didn't think it would be like this.  There have been nights (which are the worst with regard to pain) when I have sobbed in my bed wishing I had a chain-saw to just chop the bloody leg off.

Getting ready to stand for the first time, 1 day post op

Large bandage removed, day 2 post op so I get to see my leg, and the swelling which doesn't look too bad here but has increased so my left thigh and knee are about 3 to 4 times larger than my right leg.

Staples galore

The day the staples came out

Part of my problem is I am unable to take codeine which is a wonderful pain reliever and I am limited to panadol, a small amount of endone (which has other disastrous consequences) and a slow release patch on my back for 4 weeks.  After seeing the surgeon at the Week 4 mark, I am off the endone and on slow release Tramal as I can't take the instant relief one either because of side effects.

But I am told I am not alone in this, many people suffer the same issues, lack of sleep, pain at night, wanting to cut their leg off, and that it can take up to 6 months before this all settles down.  As my Physio says, all the muscles, tendons and ligaments have been pulled wide apart so they can cut the bone/knee out and have to readjust back to where they need to be, apart from the fact my major muscles are out of whack from the years of not having my knee track where is should.  So some are too tight, some are too lose and some have not worked at all and now I am asking them too and so they are pissed off about it and letting me know.

Head Space - but what all this has done is put me in a horrid place mentally.  I'm the woman that always sees the glass as half full, sees the best in people and situations, tries to turn bad into good, sees the bright side, you get my drift.  But seriously I struggled to do any of that, and that, even more than the pain and lack of sleep was pulling me down to depression, to endless bouts of crying for no good purposes, for withdrawing into myself and not wanting to share where I am.  Hence the lack of posts since late November.

I wrote all the above towards the middle of February and then walked away before I hit publish.  I wasn't ready to let it out there.

Finally at the 4 month mark, I can say I am starting to see the bright side, there is less pain at night, I have 122 degrees bend (max of 130 is possible) post surgery.  I still have to walk with a cane as my leg muscles are still to weak, but with exercise they are slowly getting stronger.

I couldn't have got here without the amazing support of my hubby, my family and my work colleagues.  I was due to go back to work early in Feb.  I managed half a day and then fled.  I didn't go back until the end of Feb and then I am pleased to say I was ready.

There are still issues at work that do my head in, but there is an end in sight with a contract finishing in a couple of months, and a staff member returning and I look forward to her energy back in the office.

I don't know if I ever will blog as much as I used to, but you never know.

Thanks for popping by xxxx

Someone was happy to see me home and to keep me company in the hours of pain and struggle during the night.  


  1. There is nothing more soothing than a purring cat......I'm glad you have Mad Max to keep you company. You've come through a bad patch but there is light now at the end of the proverbial tunnel. It's so good to see you back here and that you are on the mend.

    1. Thanks for popping by Delores, and for your kind wishes, I really do appreciate those that have been following for a while and still pop back here even when I've been absent for so long xxx

  2. Wow, I had no idea your surgery was that intense. I'm sorry I wasn't a better source of virtual support for you while you were going through all of that. Long term pain and lack of sleep can both be utterly exhausting and I'm not surprised you wore down emotionally, too. I'm glad to hear you are feeling better. I hope the healing, both physical and psychological, continue and that you soon feel back to your half-glass-full self. And how wonderful that you have such a loving and supportive hubby. You deserve no less. x

    1. Oh K, you have been a support, just reading your FB feed on a daily basis kept me a whole lot saner, especially sharing all those gorgeous photos of kids and cats. Thanks so much for popping by xxx

  3. It is lovely to see you back, and I am so very sorry for all you have endured. I am glad that things are improving. Hugs.

    1. Thanks EC, it has been a hard road and it has taken a while for me to feel right about posting the goings on in my life, especially when I know many people have a lot more to deal with in their everyday lives. Thanks so much for still being here and checking on me. xxxx

  4. Am so glad to see this post as had hoped for a long while that you would let your blogger friends know how you are. You and I talk quite often so need for me to make any comments about all of the above but must say I'm so glad you quoted Lewis Carroll as I love his poetry and much of it just says it all. Love you. xxx

    1. I knew you would be happy I had finally posted, and your support through all of this has been wonderful to receive xxx

  5. Gosh you've had such a rough time! Sorry to hear it has all led to depression, that's often the worst part of any suffering. It just gets you down, which gets you more down...I'm glad you're feeling much better now, being able to get around and learning to use those muscles again, even enjoying being back at work.
    I don't mind at all if you don't blog as much, you need to look after YOU.

    1. Hi River, thanks for popping by. You really nailed my feelings with your comment, it has been a hard road, much harder than I ever imagined, but the road ahead is looking a lot better as each day passes. xxx

  6. Good to read from you again, thanks for the catch up. Glad to hear your recovery is going well, with the pain improving now. And thanks for the pictures!

    1. Lovely to see your photo popping up Alliecat, I thought you might have stopped being in cyberspace but here you are just when I need to see a smiling face. And yep those photos are a little much are they lol. xxx

  7. I'm sorry work has been so stressful. I didn't realize things were in such a state. I'm glad to hear that now, several months out from your surgery, you're starting to get some relief from the pain. The process has sounded very exhausting and as much of a mental challenge as a physical one. Hoping for continued improvement as more time passes and that there will come a time when you look back with no regrets and less daily pain. xo

    1. Thanks sweetie, I'm pretty good at putting on a good face when I have to, but yeah, things have been pretty confronting in the last few months, but definitely on the improve both at work and with my knee. Now my shoulder, well that's another issue and maybe another surgery, but should be just a minor tweak to fix it. Thanks for popping by, it made my face light up when I saw it was from you xxxx



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