So I rang my father to wish him a Happy Father's Day and got off the phone totally spun out.
The last time I saw my father I did this post, other posts including this one after my mother-in-law's funeral, show who my father is. This is persona he has shown me most of my life, right from my childhood (this post which was one of my earlier posts).
Today's phone call was done with duty in mind, I feel I have to at least acknowledge him for without him I would not have been born. I dread these phone calls, birthdays/ Christmas/ Father's Day, they always reinforce my opinion of him. One I have had since childhood.
Then today, just before our phone call ended, he did something that has left me feeling confused. He asked how I was going, he expressed concern about my hubby, he admitted the last time he was too pushy and acknowledged he was the reason it all happened. The thing is, I could tell he really meant it, not that someone had prompted him to say something, but that he had actually thought about it, about me and was concerned. He said he wished that we had meaningful conversations, that I could talk to him about my life.
In 56 years of life, I have never felt so unsure of my perceptions of who my father is.