What the hell am I doing here? Wanders through my thoughts as I walk on the treadmill, gradually getting up to 4kmh, my knee slowly getting sorer and sorer, my hips feeling totally uncomfortable. I feel so awkward, so uncoordinated, so out of place it is scary.
I look around me and see a young woman jogging on her treadmill, her eyes forward, totally focused, never missing a step. I look forward again and see two women, side by side on spin bikes, pumping their legs in an every increasing race, standing from the saddle, sweat shining on their backs, and again the thought crosses my mind ... what the hell am I doing here?
There is no one in the gym that looks like me, no middle aged overweight women, just young fit ones it seems. Maybe it is the time of day or maybe this is the norm - sigh.
My 5 minutes on the treadmill is up, and suddenly my personal trainer appears at my side, enthusiastically asking how I am today. Do I tell her the truth? Nah, I just water it down a little, not too bad I hear myself saying, apart from my knee being a little sore, when in reality I am aching all over and my knee is killing me. She smiles and takes me off to the new program she has designed for me.
Chest presses, rowing, arm curls, stretches, twists and more treadmill. Do I feel endorphins pumping - nope. Do I feel like a fish out of water - yep. My knee is even sorer on the 2nd round of the treadmill so after 2 minutes I stop.
So 3 times a week I am supposed to go, and once a week she wants me in the pool, not here as there isn't one, but at the small heated pool in a nearby suburb? Really I think to myself, when do I fit that in, apart from the fact it is horrible there.
What the hell am I doing here? It keeps crossing my mind like my new mantra. Then I look down and see my stomach, the new grabable stomach ad flashes into my mind, yep that's what I am doing here. Trying to get fitter, trying to lose some weight, even 10kgs would make me happy.
Do I think I can do this, not really. I am not motivated, my personal trainer is nice but not really for me I think, but then is anyone right when your mind is not there?
Will I keep trying, sure that's why I signed up for 3 months, I don't want to waste my money. So my gym journey has began, so has my gym diary, lets hope I eventually feel those zinging endorphins and not my pain ... maybe then I have a chance.