Although he started it by asking me to choose somewhere to sit while he popped out to the loo. So I did the whole, oh crap does that mean something, like if I choose the wrong chair it means I am a psychopath, or should I lie down on the chesterfield leather couch dilemma, I chose the yellow wing chair as it looked comfortable.
So one of the things he has asked me to do is to journal how I feel just prior to giving myself my injection so I can bring it back to him so he can understand and help me understand what exactly is going on. Sure no worries, except, what if I get it wrong?? But then, is there a right or wrong, it is not a test, or is it? Sure no worries, but how do you put down in words things I find hard to explain to myself.
Maybe sharing it here is the wrong thing, but somehow cyberspace seems to listen and it helps me to know that someone is listening, even if they don't comment, in fact comments can be over-rated and sometimes I get anxious wondering what people will say or really think.
I know that I won't write it all here, I don't want to over share, or to bore the pants of people who pop over to read. But today, I seem to need to share what I wrote, I certainly am not looking for sympathy or comments, I am just putting it out into the Universe.
My first entry ....
Crap, who thought this would help? I have no idea what to write, I really don't want to think about this, it is hard enough to just do it every day. Where to start, I don't know how I really feel, so I hope this is okay ... the best I can do is make this a story, I can talk through stories.
I sit here staring at my stomach, crisscrossed by a network of silver stretchmarks, the reminders of the four children this body has nurtured. I stare at the bruises and the red irritation marks left by the hundreds of injections before, and yes it must be hundreds as I am on my third pack on needles and they come in packs of 100.
I try and find a place that is not too close to the place I used this morning.
I can feel myself getting tense, I can feel myself getting frustrated, and then the tears start to fall.
It all seems so hard, so overwhelming, so out of control.
Will it hurt this time? Sometimes it just hurts to push the needle in and the rest is okay. Sometimes the needle goes in with no issues and then it hurts as the fluid seeps under my skin. Sometimes the needle and injecting are fine and then it hurts as I take the needle out. Then there are the times it stings when it is all finished. Or will tonight be one of the few nights that nothing hurts? I am blessed that sometimes it is painless and I can breathe more easily. It is the not knowing how this will be this time that makes me tense.
But I know I can do this, I have to do this, and so I will.
p.s. Tonight it hurt going in and stung afterwards