Moments in Time - A Week That Is Hard To Forget

The phone rings - it is just after 6 am - it wakes you from a restless sleep - somehow you know it is bad news - they say it comes in 3s and that would make it a complete set.

You struggle to understand what your distraught daughter is telling you, how can it be possible on today of all days.

You are torn - do you drive back to Perth or stay where you are. You are numb - how can this happen - it just can't be true - but it is.

Your daughter tells you to stay put, wait until she finds out more, it maybe okay and so you wait for the next phone call - so much to handle on this one day.

You frantically ring your eldest daughter - don't come - stay there - help your sister - please please let it be okay.

You dread the next call but you want her to ring now - please let me know it is all okay - please let it be something minor at most.

The next call arrives - from your eldest daughter - the news is not good - how can it be - I am so far away - I need to be there - but I need to be here too - how do I make that choice - how torn this is making me feel - I have to hold it altogether.

The last week of August 2001 is one that none of us will forget - it was a week that changed our family forever.

Thursday 23rd August 2001
The 1st of the three, was major when it happened, but in the scheme of what was to follow - almost insignificant. A large tree (30 foot high at least) in our yard was blown over in a freak gust of wind - it crashed through the back fence, missed the neighbour's house and their pool by some sort of miracle - mess everywhere - insurance and annoyed neighbours to deal with - minor compared with what was to follow.

Sunday 26th August 2001
The 2nd of the three. Your husband rings at 8 am to tell you that his father has died overnight in his sleep, he had been fighting cancer and was in hospital for some adjustment to his morphine - but was supposed to be discharged on Monday. You are in shock, it was like he waited for your hubby to come down to visit so that he was there with your m-i-l when it happened. Nearly 300 kms separated you from your hubby and his family. You ring your children to let them know. The funeral will be on Thursday 30th August.

Thursday 30th August 2001
The complete set. Your only grand-daughter is involved in a car accident, just after 6 am in the morning. The car she was a passenger in was T-boned by a semi trailer in dense fog. She is trapped in the car, but conscious and screaming - her mother (your middle daughter) and your youngest daughter are on the way to the hospital.

You ring your eldest daughter just as they are about to leave to drive the 300 kms to come to the funeral - you tell her what has happened and ask her to go to the hospital - just in case.

Another phone call tells you that your grand-daughter is in a coma - she has head injuries, she lost consciousness in the ambulance on the way to the hospital - a fractured skull - needs a ct scan to assess the damage - moved to intensive care.

Your daughters are supporting each other at the hospital - your son in law is there too - helping where he can.

You want to come back - but you have to be here too - for you hubby - and so you go to the funeral in a daze - totally torn.

You leave your husband behind at the wake - supporting his mother. The long drive back to Perth, to the hospital - what will you find - will my precious chicken be any better - how will your daughter be - is she coping.

You steel yourself to walk through the doors of ICU - afraid of what you will find - she looks so peacefully laying there on the bed - if you can ignore all the tubes and wires - she looks like she is asleep - apart from some bruising to her chest - there is not much evidence she is hurt - if you can look past all the tubes, and wires and monitors attached to her - she is so small on that big bed.

Your daughter is holding up well (on the outside) she keeps herself together - she is strong and she needs to be for the future will not be what she ever imagined.

3 long days they keep her asleep - to give her brain time to heal - there is bruising to the front and back of her brain - from when it ricocheted around inside her skull - the outcome is not known but she should survive - only time will tell. You look around at some of the other children also in ICU - some burnt, some other victims of accidents, some ill post op - and you hope and pray that she will wake up okay. You cuddle her, and read to her, and kiss her, and caress her hair and you hope, you try to keep positive - for without that what is there.

Finally she is awake - and she struggles to focus, she struggles to understand, she wets her pants and gets distraught - she is a big girl now and she doesn't do that - and you comfort her and tell her it okay. In her fuddle-headed state she looks at your top and starts to laugh - you can only imagine that the small black and white checks are spinning her out - she reaches out to touch and then laughs - she drifts back to sleep - the drugs have to wear off.

She is moved to a regular ward and then discharged and you give thanks. You give thanks that she is still here with you, you give thanks that her brain damage was not more severe, you give thanks you can still cuddle her - for she is your precious chicken and your life would not be the same if she was to go.

You give thanks that all your daughters were still in Perth to be there when you couldn't be.

You give thanks for the fact that the semi trailer did not have a trailer on the back - that is was just the truck part - that she was sitting in the front of the car - if she had been in the back she would have been dead.

You give thanks that she is still here with you.

You try not to play the what if game - what if your family had all made the trip down the night before like you, what if your daughter had made the decision to bring your grand-daughter to the funeral instead of leaving her with a good friend who had to take her husband to work that fateful morning.

You try so hard not to play that game, but even now 8 years later - it is still there in your head - every time you have to give her the drugs that control her epilepsy, every time you see her hands shake in the morning as she holds her cup of tea, every time you see you struggle to read a book appropriate to her age, every time you go to school and drop her at the Education Support Unit, every time you hear that she will need help for the rest of her life.

If I could turn back time I would do it in an instant - to save her and her Mum from this path they now have to walk. But I can't and so I give thanks that she is still here for me to cuddle and to tell her that I love her to the moon and back. And I try not to cry for after 8 years my heart should be healed but it never will be for part of me wishes that it had been me - that I could give her back the life she should have.

2009 The Last Winter Sunday Morning

Grey clouds in the sky, chilly breeze gently blowing, snuggle under the covers for just a little longer, but housework calls - washing needs to be done.

Quick check of FB and Blogger.

Hurry to the laundry with my feet cold on the floor. Slippers where art thou?

Hot cuppa tea back in the study, washing on - hubby says 'how about bacon and eggs for brekkie' oh no - we don't have bread for toast. So off he goes to the bakery to get some.

Heater slowly warming up the room, washing machine calling - time for fabric softener - love that the washing machine is boss!!

Hubby back with the bread, cooking up the bacon now - sizzling in the pan, aroma wafting down the hall - calling my name. Toast pops all crisp and brown. OJ waiting on the table, knives and forks all set.

Blue skies breaking through - washing on the line, more in washing machine churning round and round. Sun is warm upon my back, bending, stretching to reach the pegs and put the washing over my head.

Cat is creeping round the yard, hubby pottering over there - look out there's the cat - hiding right behind the pot - playing games together.

Back inside there's more to do, making beds and cleaning bathroom - a stop to check FB again as I walk down the hall.

Before long the morning will be gone - the last winter Sunday for 2009 - a time to reflect today on the past - 8 years ago today my grand-daughter was hurt in a car crash and it was my father in law's funeral. Winter will be over tomorrow - where has it gone? Time passes so quickly in the blink of an eye. 8 years or just a season - gone before you know it.

Spring is just around the corner.

Moments In Time - My First Born

To feel you growing inside me, it was my secret, I was so young, how do you tell your Mum, your boyfriend, your friends. I kept you all to myself for as long as I could, I was scared they would take you away. I told my boyfriend and he ran, he wasn't ready, and yet strangely I was. I knew that being a mother to you was what I was born to do. I tried to tell my Grandma but I couldn't find the words, she guessed anyway and told my Mum, who came out and asked me.

I couldn't lie any longer eventually the world would know. I wasn't ashamed, I was just scared they would be angry and take you away. You were mine, I could feel you moving inside me, I would lay there at night and caress my tummy knowing that you were there, safe and sound.

Your father came back, we married, oh so young, and we tried to make it work. We were happy in our little house. It was a very hot summer and I was so pregnant - huge belly proudly worn - my child encased within.

Way past your due date, and you were so happy to stay safe inside. Three times they tried to induce you, but you were hanging in there.

It got hotter and I got bigger and then finally the time came. We had your named picked out, you were going to be Lee - whether a boy or a girl - that was your name. In hard labour, your father says, if it is a girl can we called her Christie - and without thinking I said yes - and so you came to be - our Christie Lee. Our beautiful daughter, so perfect.

Poppy called you a worried Eskimo - you seemed so serious, new born and yet studying those around you with a frown - your old soul showed in your eyes and I knew it would be fine, because you were mine.

We stayed in hospital for a whole 10 days, me learning to be a Mum, you teaching me lessons. Bonding was instantaneous, I had known you and talked to you and kept you hidden for so long just the 2 of us together hiding from the world. Now I wanted the world to see - how beautiful you were to me. But I also wanted to keep you close - to look at you and know that part of me was part of you. Someone that would always be there for me, even if everyone else left. You were mine and I was so in love with your little face, your tiny hands and feet. The way you wrapped you hand around my finger.

Everyone wanted a part of you, but I got the best parts, the time when your father was at work and we were home together alone. Snuggling in bed together in the morning, going for walks in the sunshine, having your baths with all those bubbles. Your smile, your laugh.

We learned the lessons of life together, me so young and you so new - and yet so old - the old soul come to help me start my motherhood journey - and what a good job you did - preparing me for the life ahead - my role of mother to many. I was truly blessed the day you were born, I was so young and yet so ready to be your Mum.

Our Moments In Time - Part 1

Remember when we met, you with your long blond hair, stunning blue eyes and kissable lips, in those tight white shorts with the cutest arse and those lucky legs (lucky they didn't break and stick up your arse - your words not mine).

Remember how our friendship grew, chatting while others played on the badminton court while we waited for our turn.

Remember how our friendship turned into something more, the flirting started, you with your fantasies about what was under my dress!! Me thinking about those kissable lips.

Remember our first date, me shopping with Mum for the perfect dress - red with a plunging V neck - wondering if it would be first and last date, after all I was a separated mother with stretch marks and responsibilities, you were single and fancy free.

Remember how you got an abscess on one of your teeth and nearly didn't come on our first date because you were embarrassed that your face was swollen - so glad you did, because if you hadn't I would have been hurt and probably wouldn't have said yes again.

Remember our awkwardness with each other as this was a date and not just 2 mates hanging out together, and we were at a ball with all the other badminton people and they all knew it was our first date and we felt watched.

Remember - well I do - the anticipation of that first kiss, would those lips be as soft as I thought they would be - and they were. That first kiss sealed it for me, my world stopped and I knew you were the one.

Remember some time later, our first night together (in the biblical sense) - it felt so right, so right that our child was conceived right there and then.

Remember when you thought it was all too much too soon and left me, remember how I was calm and okay with your decision - did you ever wonder why? It was because I knew you were mine and you would return, it only took 2 nights and you were back begging my forgiveness. But was there nothing to forgive - true love with your soul mate is overwhelming and frightening, it was all so soon and so new - all those feelings tumbling around in your heart and soul.


Do you ever stop to remember like I do, and does it warm your heart all over again that here we are still together 33 years later.

Crushing A Child's Enthusiasm

My daughter blogged about Crushing A Child's Creativity on her blog and it has made me want to talk about a recent incident with my nearly 13 year old grand-daughter.

As you may remember, I have mentioned that she was involved in a car accident just before her 5th birthday that left her with brain damage, epilepsy and learning disabilities and some lessening of her control of her foot and in the mornings especially shaky hands. Through this accident her pituitary gland seems to have been shaken so much that now her thyroid and adrenal systems don't work as they should either and so she is now overweight. She struggles with her self image.

She is the most lovely, loving and caring person who tries to do her best. She cares for everyone around her and often looks after the other special kids in her class.


This year she started high school in a special eduction unit attached to a mainstream school, she does most of her subjects in the SEU class but joins mainstream teachers for her electives. The one elective she loved most in 1st and 2nd term was dance, followed closely by drama. She tried so hard, and every time she talked to me about dance classes her face lit up and she became really animated. She loved it, she laughed about being clumsy sometimes and having to dance with other girls.

Their reports came out at the end of 2nd term and she got an E (they don't give F's now you get an E - means the same thing) and the comment from the teacher was something like - unable to do all the steps in sequence, struggled with rhythm.

She is heart-broken and no longer is dance something she thinks she can do.

How dare this ignorant teacher mark her against her able bodied peers - does effort and enthusiasm count for nothing? Part of the reason she didn't learn all the steps was - she broke her foot and was in a cast for 6 weeks (and a wheel chair for 2 of those).

I am barely containing my anger, as it is not my place to complain to the school - but for God's sake get a brain you half-wit. Do you not realise what you have done? No longer will this child feel the freedom to dance without being self-conscious, you have done real damage here.



We say to each other (from when she was little) that we love each other to the moon and back - well my darling you will always be my moon dancer and I hope that one day you will think you are too.

Moments in Time

Siting here in my study on a weekday - late afternoon, sunny blue winter's sky, with a gentle breeze rustling through the climbing rose, window open so the breeze can waft into the house, cat sitting on cane chair in the corner that used to be my grandmothers, no dogs barking, car sounds away in the distance, small honeyeaters playing in the rose flitting from branch to branch while they court each other - quiet solitude. It was worthwhile sneaking away from work early today as this is peace. A moment in my busy life to be savoured - so sweet.

Milestones

Some of the milestones for the second part of 2009 - my eldest grand-daughter turns 13 in 11 sleeps, this Thursday 27th August, I have been back at work (and working for the same place) for 25 years and this October my hubby has been working at the same place for 30 years.

All of this makes me feel old - lol.

Have you had any milestones in your life in 2009

My Life Back In Balance

Well, finally my life feels back in balance. Hubby has been home this whole week, and how easily we have fitted back into the ebb and flow of our life, it has been wonderful to have him here.

He still wanders into my study when I am on the computer and ruffles my hair or gives me a quick kiss before continuing his journey to the kitchen to make a cuppa.

He is here to kiss me hello every day when I return from work, how I have missed that - I hated coming home to an empty house every work day while he was away.

This morning he made Caitlyn and I pancakes, and managed to burn his hand in the process - nothing has changed - he is still as accident prone as ever.

I am truly blessed to have this man in my life, he is not perfect, but he is close most of the time. The best bit is, I am not perfect either - and he loves me none the less.

Life is sweet. Oh and he bought me a new computer yesterday - how spoilt am I - very I know.

Time

Have you noticed how your perception of time fluctuates - something that seems a long time away, is suddenly upon you and then past - and yet it seems that no time, well very little at most has passed - you feel like you are almost standing still and yet suddenly it is a year later.

Day to day seems the same - same stuff different day - seasons blend into one, and before you know it winter is almost over and spring is just around the corner.

Sofie left us on Tuesday and flew back to Sweden - she has been here nearly 12 months - and yet it seems like mere weeks since I took Beth to met her at the airport - this beautiful girl who became a part of our family.

12 months seemed like such a long time for her to be here away from her family, learning to adjust to us and our climate and our people. There were so many places I meant to take her, things I meant to talk to her about, experiences I wanted her to have with our family - it seemed like we had all the time in the world - and now she is gone and so little of the things I thought would happen did.

That is not to say we didn't have some great times and experiences, she became part of our family so easily, she spoilt us with a Swedish Christmas - we got to eat Swedish gingerbread and chocolate, and decorate the tree with her. We got to help her celebrate her 21st birthday. We got to meet her older brother. She cooked me Swedish meatballs.

But suddenly she is no longer here, and I can only wonder where the time went, we weren't ready for her to go, it seemed to creep up on us - it seemed like she would be here forever - even though we knew her visa was only for 12 months.


Time - it is a fleeting thing - one second ticks into the next and before you know it a minute has passed, and then an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year - and plans you had are not fulfilled - and yet I don't feel a year older. Before you know it she will have been back home in Sweden for the longest time and yet it will seem in some ways like she only left a moment ago.

Goodbye Swedish until we meet again, you always have a piece of my heart. xxx

Sometimes Life Throws You Curve Balls

Life - it can be a bitch sometimes - throwing you curve balls just when you think you have your life in order. One of my sisters has been waiting for a hip replacement - she puts on such a brave face, but you can tell she is in severe pain most of the time. She had her date for the op - 1st Sept - she was getting her life in order - work projects wrapping up, house taken care of, frozen meals in fridge - then she gets a phone call - due to swine flu the hospital is canceling all elective surgery so they have enough beds. I am not sure how they can call hip replacement 'elective' surgery - your hip is worn out, you are in pain - it is not like you are having a boob job, but there you have it, the wonderful public hospital system.

I wish there was something more I could do to help than being there for her to talk to if and when she needs to. I try to find good in all the bad, or positive in all the negative - but what lesson is life trying to teach her - she is the most caring and giving person and surely she deserves to be pain free.

This is one life lesson that I am going to have to ponder for a while, I hope I can find something to encourage her with - although knowing who she is, she will have already found that something and if she hasn't well she has my shoulder to lean on anytime she needs it.

My Wish For You

My Wish For You is simple ... I wish that you find someone as wonderful as I have ... someone who cherishes you ... someone who can't walk past your study without coming in and giving you a cuddle ... someone who can't walk past you watching TV without stroking your head or ruffling your hair ... someone who kisses the way he does ... someone who is encouraging you to get the new Mazda MPS ... someone who potters in the garden and loves it, which is good because I don't although I like to watch him and suggest what changes need to be made ... someone who accepts my suggestions and doesn't say things like well when you do the garden then you can suggest things ... someone who is happy to spoon if that is what you want to do ... someone who tinkers with computers and breaks them and then tinkers with them again and fixes them ... he is not perfect, but then who is? I know I am not ... but he is special and he is mine and I wish that everyone could have someone in their life who makes them feel as good as he make me feel (most of the time - we are after all human and so there are moments when we fight, but there are moments when we love too).

Don't you see why I miss him when he is away? The time is nearly here for him to stay and travel no more - that's why I am smiling so much more!

Smiling - with a Touch of Sadness

I am truly blessed, my life is so full of love, especially love from my grand-daughters - they are the light of my life. How can you not smile when your very sick nearly a teenager grand-daughter rings you with her croaky voice to tell you she loves you. How can you not smile when your nearly 18 month grand-daughter squeals with delight when you arrive to visit and runs around and then launches herself into your arms for a cuddle. And smile I do, but sometimes there is a tinge of sadness in my smile - sadness for the 2 grandmothers who miss out. My eldest grand-daughter has no contact with her other grandmother due to circumstances which I won't go into here and my youngest grand-daughter's other grandmother (Nanny) lives on the other side of the large continent that is Australia and so gets to see very little of Immy. I have enough love to give both of them, but every now and then I feel bad that I am the only one who has this joy in my life.

My paternal grandmother also missed out on 4 of her grandchildren - my aunt married a man who joined the diplomatic service and they spent much of their lives overseas in other countries with their children and probably only got back to Perth once every 2-3 years. I wonder if she was saddened by this fact or whether she gave us extra love to compensate.

My mother has missed out on my brother's children for the last 7 1/2 years due to a family rift (his decision not hers) and so missed their teenage years and seeing them mature in young adults - I know this saddens her.

So I don't take my grandchildren for granted, I cherish every moment with them, just as I do with my adult children - family - they mean the world to me and having them in my life makes me a better person.

I give thanks they are here with me and so fully in my life. They keep me smiling.