Tonight

In Jan 2009 I wrote this post. I wrote it while at work, it was a particularly bad day. Tonight I write this.

The darkness seems so heavy

Constantly pushing me down

Tonight I have no energy

I have only silent tears

I don't believe I am depressed

Just stressed

I look into the mirror

My face is pale and drawn

It seems that no one sees but me

So does that really mean

That no one takes the time to look?

Nearly six weeks into the treatment

The one to ease my pain

I can only say there is no relief

None at all

There is nausea and diarrhoea

Itchy skin and mental fog

All symptoms of this wonder drug

That is not so wonderful at all

I need to do the 12 weeks

I made a commitment to the end

But it is getting harder

When my pain is getting worse

There are times when I doubt I can do this

More years of pain and cramps

More years of holding it all together

I know it could be worse

I am a glass half full person

But not tonight

All consuming

Never ending

Impacting on my life

Over. It.

A Different Sort of Feline

Way back here, I blogged about being a lioness and protecting my family.

Well now I find I am turning into another type of feline - a cougar - splutter, cough - that's right. Now I have always been one to admire the rear view of a man walking away from me, especially my hubby, after all these years he still has the best butt ever.

But recently, gulp, it is younger men, gulp, that get my heart a flutter. Men the same age (or slightly younger) than my own son (who I should say is 28 so not a teenager or anything).

I mean, what is with these menopausal hormones, for surely it has to be that, right???

Case in point, I was having a meeting with a young man and suddenly I get mesmerised by his bulging bicep - I mean, it was tanned and straining in his short sleeved shirt and I lost all train of thought.

Or then there is the young man with the bluest eyes, that crinkle when he laughs and smiles, and I find myself swooning every time he looks my way and smiles. He makes me feel important.

Or the time I watch a bead of sweat trickle down a certain someone's throat, and got all hot and bothered myself.

Then there is the young man at the pool - eye candy that one, every muscle that is visible is toned to perfection, watching him get in and out of the pool ... well I nearly drown. Even his swimming is gorgeous - gliding through the water.

I mean to say, what is going on, time for a cold shower.

So, here I am opening myself to public ridicule - but really just trying to let other 'menopausal' woman know it is okay, they are not alone ... or hoping someone also pops out of cyberspace to let me know I am not alone!!

Sunday Selections

The amazing Kim @ FrogPondsRock hosts Sunday Selections - a chance to share some the photos you have taken that are sitting around on your computer. Hop on over and have a look, join in if you wish, Kim would love you to pop by.

Here are mine - Flowers from my garden.

The Dark Side

It's dark outside, I've been awake since about 2.30, not normally one to suffer insomnia, I wasn't able to go back to sleep.

Normally I am woken by the dreaded cramps in my feet, not last night, last night it was my two boys having a gang fight on my bed (my 2 cats). After I shooed them away, that was it. Just me and the night. Me and my thoughts. Me and a panic attack - came from nowhere, and it is still just hanging there, at the periphery of my mind.

The fight or flight response, making my arms and legs tingle, giving me a hole in the pit of my stomach.

Maybe blogging will make it go, maybe not.

Why does life need to be so complicated. Why do I hate confrontation so much. Why do I see my father's rage in everything. Why is it that things you think you have conquered come back and bite you on the butt when you least expect it.

Just the way life is I guess.

There is grey just starting to show in the sky, it is going to be another sunny day in Perth. The easterly wind is howling, but nothing new about that.

Day by day, life goes on. I just wish The Dark Side would piss off and leave me alone.

So to go to work today and face the demons, or stay home. Well, somehow I will find the strength. 'Cause you know, life does go on and I like the money I earn.

Don't even have the strength to go swimming this morning, too dark, too cold, too painful for my arthritis. The difference between last year and this and where my body is - I am not happy, not happy at all.

ABC - What A Day

So the whirlwind that was the Aussie Bloggers Conference is over. What a day it was. I can honestly say I never once was bored, felt sleepy or distracted - like I often do at Conferences. The venue was great, the food even better and the company fantastic.

I cried, as is my want, at some of the stories shared. I laughed at others. I got to meet some new bloggers - and did I feel inadequate not having business cards to share, who's blogs I will now be tracking down - I am sure many will soon appear in my blog roll.

But best of all, I got to meet some of my favourite bloggers In Real Life, that's right, I got to hang with some wonderful ladies, who are just like I thought they would be. If you haven't already checked them out from my blog roll - then I urge you to do so now, you won't be disappointed - the beautiful Kirrily from Sunny Side Up, Michelle from Farmer's Wifey (love the dress you wore to the dance) and Jen from Jemikaan, Dani from Danimezza (who took some great photos), Kristin from Wanderlust, Lori from Random Ramblings of A Stay At Home Mum and I am sure there is someone I have forgotten.

The day was not long enough to spend time with all of my favs, but at least I got to touch base. Next year hopefully the Conference will go for 2 days - wouldn't that be a blast.

Thanks to Brenda, Veronica, Nicole, Tina and Karen to taking the time in your already busy lives to put this together - no mean feat ladies, no mean feat at all.

To all the panelists who overcame their nerves to get up and talk and share - thanks so much.

And to Carly Findlay from Tune into Radio Carly - you are one of the most inspiring woman I have met and heard speak.

Its Sort Of Like A School Reunion At A School You Never Went To

So, Wednesday I fly to Sydney to attend the Aussie Bloggers Conference which is being held on Saturday. It's sort of like a school reunion at a school you never attended, you have met some of the people online, but a lot you haven't.

Or maybe it is more like when I changed school the year I turned 12, and knew no-one and had the worst year of my life.

There's the whole, 'will they really like me?' and the 'I'm so fat' and the 'I really just want to vomit because I hate crowds and I hate meeting new people and so why am I doing this to myself?'. And the 'God I wish I was part of the cool group over there' and 'hey someone is smiling at me, oh no it is the person behind me'. You know, all the negative self-talk that regularly happens in my head (and maybe other people's too).

Then I have the whole what will I wear thing ... well really I sort of know what I will wear, black pants - I wear black pants pretty much every day of my life, so why should that day be any different. Black comfortable shoes, because I pretty much wear them everyday of my life too. Boring - huh? I think I will wear my black and white striped top because I feel good when I wear that. And I have some pretty gorgeous new silver earrings which also make me feel good, so got to make sure I pack them. Then there is my bling ... rings, lots to choose from.

I will probably sit at the back, because then I can sneak out if it all gets too much - I really am an introvert, one who acts like she is extroverted because she has too at work, but at great cost.

So again, I ask myself, why am I going? Well I thought it would be great to meet some of the wonderful bloggers who I follow (unfortunately quite a few I had hoped would attend are not, so I will have to work out some other way to meet them, bit hard when I live on the other side of the country) - so I can't really answer that question.

If you see me there, I will be the one looking terrified, but hey, I bet there will be a lot of others feeling the same as well.

Sunday Session

Time for Sunday Session, hosted by Thea @ Do I Really Want To Blog.

Time to share an oldie but a goodie and a newbie.

This week's oldie (Little Green Bag by The George Baker Selection) was prompted by a dance I watched on the American So You Think You Can Dance - didn't like the dance that much, but was reminiscing over the song so had to track it down.

The newbie was found after checking out Pink Patent Mary Janes blog a few weeks ago, she featured the clip of Cee Lo Green (with Gwynth Paltrow) performing Forget You, and I loved it, hope you do too.

Sorry, yet again blogger is not allowing me to upload videos, so please follow the links.

Happy Sunday - we are lucky here in Perth this week as tomorrow is a public holiday - yippee.

Muse Wars 2011 - Challenge 1

What seems like many moons ago Melissa @ The Things I'd Tell You started Muse Wars. Lissa was feeling 'blog' block, she had lost her mojo and used the Muse Wars as a means to kick start herself and others. I loved it but after 8 challenges it died a natural death, as many things do.

Now the infamous MadMother is starting it up again, and I for one need something to kick start my mind. As you may have noticed, my blogging of late has been not much more than the occasional Sunday Session (hosted by the Thea @ Do I Really Want To Blog).

So the 2011 rules are

• Open to all and sundry, you need to go back to MadMother and link in the comments. First to link sets the next challenge. Anyone can join in, you just need to write a story as your interpretation of the photo in 500-1000 words. Can be any genre - let your mind fly free.
• First to links sets new photo for the next challenge. Or can pass it on to the next on the list but MUST be passed within 24 hours of previous challenge closing.
• Next challenge must be set within seven days of completion of previous challenge.
• Will allow 5 days to complete - so starts Sunday evening, ends Friday night.

So here goes ...

Here she was, the faded starlet, taken over by so many other younger, prettier girls. Beating her to the good parts, and her pride would not let her take on any supporting roles, after all, she was A STAR.

Once she attended all the IT parties, hobnobbing with the producers and actors who once were only too happy to be seen with her, have their photos taken with her. Now they ignored her, turned their backs when she approached, pretending they didn't see her coming.

She was at rock bottom, struggling to stay off the drugs that had ruined her career. Trying not to turn to drink to block out the days, to take her memory away. She was so close to not caring anymore, she could hear them calling out to her ... 'come back we will take it all away'.

Then the phone rang, it was her agent, she hadn't heard from him in months. He had an offer, Dancing With The Stars, they wanted her to be on the show. It was a great chance to get her name back in the headlines, or she thought - fail again very, very publicly.

But she needed it, her blood was racing in her veins again, a chance - to be seen, to hear the applause, to show what she had left and so she said yes.

Her first 3 shows were awful, she got shocking reviews, each night she thought would be her last and then she drew the rumba, and her partner had a great idea. They would base it on her being a belly dancer, dancing for her life in front of an angry king. She would be the centrepiece of the dance. Rhythmic, sensual, sleek, swaying before her king, they trained and trained and trained, hours and hours a day - she kept messing it up, missing steps, getting dizzy and then before she knew it, it was performance night.

She tried to remain calm, she knew it was her last chance, the nerves threatened to send her running for the bottle, for the drugs - anything to calm her soul. And then she looked into the eyes of her partner, she saw his belief in her - there were no words, just his eyes staring into hers, deep into her soul and then the music started. Her hips started to sway, her feet started to move, she was lost in the trance of the music and the dance and in his eyes, the eyes that believed ... and suddenly her magic was back. The audience rose to their feet, applauding wildly as she struck the final pose.

She was back and all because one person believed. That was all it took.