Falling Back Into Old Habits

Earlier I posted that I was going to have a session of kinesiology and that I hoped that it would ease my pain. Well for a day to two it did, then it came back with a vengeance. Now this got me wondering.

If I have been holding onto fear for 53 years, could I in 1 session lose that fear or would my body and brain fight to get it back? After all it had built its existence on having fear inside.

Does my body really want to live without pain, after all it has gotten used to having that in its life too.

Is part of the reason I am having trouble because I am so emotionally exhausted? Do I need to be at my full capacity to allow myself to heal?

Am I in fact my worst enemy? I really don't know, but I do know that I can no longer cope with this much pain. Last night I was walking laps of my back garden at 3 am trying to get rid of the cramping in my left foot. Then I had to sit up in a chair with my shoe on and my foot flat on the floor to keep it from returning until 4.30 am when I staggered back to bed.

Part of the issues with DISH is that when you get bone calcification on each end of a ligament or tendon the tendon or ligament tightens, hence I suppose it is more prone to cramp. My massage therapist commented last Tuesday just how tight my calf muscles and Achilles tendon were. She proceed to massage them which was extremely painful. So it seems even getting better cause me pain.

I am a strong woman and I know that I will continue to cope with this, there is no other option apart from death and I am not ready to die yet. It is just that at this point it all seems too hard.

Waking every morning feeling just as tired as when I went to bed, struggling to get up and move, having trouble doing simple things like putting on my own bra and getting dressed seem wrong for a woman my age and what does the future hold, more of the same?

Hence my search for help, I know there is no cure for DISH or osteo-arthritis but something must be out there that can help reduce the pain apart from stronger painkillers - I am not ready for morphine yet.

So I will have more sessions with Simon and continue to have weekly massage. I will try to recharge my batteries so that I am better able to heal. I will remain positive and I will above all else keep smiling.