Sometimes as I lay in bed I have a strong sense of foreboding and I start to dwell on my death. I have many strikes against me living a long life - diabetes, weight, menopause although I also have a strong family history of women not dying of heart disease.
But late a night when I wake with cramps - last night in both legs - that leave me with tingling legs and back and an increased heart rate, I lay there and feel that death is perhaps not that far away. Sometimes my whole body tingles and I feel tightness in my chest and I find myself hyperventilating - and I know that it is fear rather than a heart attack that has taken hold as there have been late night dashes to the hospital early on before I knew what was causing these panic attacks.
Why is it that fear controls my life? To the outside world I have little to fear and yet here it is somewhere deep inside me.
Is it fear of being who I really am, after all I went from being someone's child to someone's wife and someone's mother all by the time I was 17. I never had 'me' time as an adult so to speak and while I wouldn't change the path of my life is fear now here because I have the space to really be me and I don't know how to?
In some ways I embrace fear in the things I surround myself with. I love to read books filled with fear and my television watching survey would reveal I watch shows and movies filled with fear. Light and happy books just don't grab me, neither do shows like Packed to the Rafters and the like. Give me gritty shows like Criminal Minds or Bones that explore the dark side. Let me read books by Stephen King and Dean Koontz, books that explore the horror and randomness of life. They are the genres I love. Why is it that I don't like sweetness and light.
I am even fearful of good things like losing weight, all I can see is the loose skin that will remain and the plastic surgery to remove it as the outcome - not that I will weigh less and feel better. The same with my diabetes, my Mum says I am in denial - but I am not, it is just that all I see is another thing that is trying to control my life and I won't allow it too and so if I don't acknowledge its place in my life it can't control me.
And yet I say I want to live free of fear, I want to live free of pain - but do I then sabotage myself? If I was honest I would have to say yes.
So is my foreboding really a wake up call and are my thoughts of dying young a warning rather than something that may be set in stone. If only I could convince myself to take the first steps towards freedom, I see others doing so and applaud them so why is it that I can't allow myself to do so. What am I afraid of finding?