Sometimes as I lay in bed I have a strong sense of foreboding and I start to dwell on my death. I have many strikes against me living a long life - diabetes, weight, menopause although I also have a strong family history of women not dying of heart disease.
But late a night when I wake with cramps - last night in both legs - that leave me with tingling legs and back and an increased heart rate, I lay there and feel that death is perhaps not that far away. Sometimes my whole body tingles and I feel tightness in my chest and I find myself hyperventilating - and I know that it is fear rather than a heart attack that has taken hold as there have been late night dashes to the hospital early on before I knew what was causing these panic attacks.
Why is it that fear controls my life? To the outside world I have little to fear and yet here it is somewhere deep inside me.
Is it fear of being who I really am, after all I went from being someone's child to someone's wife and someone's mother all by the time I was 17. I never had 'me' time as an adult so to speak and while I wouldn't change the path of my life is fear now here because I have the space to really be me and I don't know how to?
In some ways I embrace fear in the things I surround myself with. I love to read books filled with fear and my television watching survey would reveal I watch shows and movies filled with fear. Light and happy books just don't grab me, neither do shows like Packed to the Rafters and the like. Give me gritty shows like Criminal Minds or Bones that explore the dark side. Let me read books by Stephen King and Dean Koontz, books that explore the horror and randomness of life. They are the genres I love. Why is it that I don't like sweetness and light.
I am even fearful of good things like losing weight, all I can see is the loose skin that will remain and the plastic surgery to remove it as the outcome - not that I will weigh less and feel better. The same with my diabetes, my Mum says I am in denial - but I am not, it is just that all I see is another thing that is trying to control my life and I won't allow it too and so if I don't acknowledge its place in my life it can't control me.
And yet I say I want to live free of fear, I want to live free of pain - but do I then sabotage myself? If I was honest I would have to say yes.
So is my foreboding really a wake up call and are my thoughts of dying young a warning rather than something that may be set in stone. If only I could convince myself to take the first steps towards freedom, I see others doing so and applaud them so why is it that I can't allow myself to do so. What am I afraid of finding?
A teacher once told me that he thought I didn't try hard enough in class despite my abilities, and that he thought I was afraid... not of failure... but of success.
ReplyDeleteToo true, all of us are afraid to face the unknown and if all we have felt is that we have failed then how do we embrace success? I'm not sure that I feel a failure, or if I do it is not in my conscious mind. But who knows what there is subconsciously holding me back. Part of my working with Simon will hopefully unlock some of the blockers in my life. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave me such a personal comment.
ReplyDeletePlease don't feel that diabetes will control your life. It is normal to feel like that at first but you then take control and let it become part of the life you lead. A damned nuisance, yes, but there are worse things around. Sure, there are some restrictions and at times one gets tired of thinking of what one should and shouldn't eat etc., but take it from me and mine who were diagnosed in 1996.....get it under control and it won't control you.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing I noticed was that you hyperventilate....I once used to do that as well and it terrified me but a very good doctor explained all about it and from then on I took control and now it almost never happens. I still get strange little 'happenings' during the night but I beat them and try not to fear them.
My best friend died this week and it did not evoke fear in me of my own mortality. Perhaps it should have done but for some reason it didn't. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to die for years yet but I don't dwell on it as perhaps I did when I was younger.
Remember there are many that love you very much and you can talk to them any time and they will do their very best to understand your feelings without criticism. Do keep that in mind at all times.