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My blog expresses my views and thoughts and in no way intends to offend however that does not guarantee it wont.

I write in a stream of consciousness and sometimes the odd typo or bad grammar may appear - please excuse these.

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Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Hurting Ourselves

On Saturday I am going to see a kinesiologist - I've tried everything else that normal medicine has on offer to try and overcome my pain. Living with pain 24/7 even on the days when it is not too bad is so draining on my spirit. Somedays I wish I was not me, just for a day, but that is not ever going to happen.

Today while driving to work I found myself crying, just the odd tear escaping from each eye every now and then. I seem to find this happening more often nowadays. I am not depressed in the normal fashion, but I am emotionally exhausted, I have nothing left to give, not even to myself. The battery that keeps me ticking along just seems to have very little charge left in it. I know that I am not sleeping well and that doesn't help either, but I need to do something.

So I have made an appointment to see Simon - a lovely man who believes that we sometimes injure ourselves by holding on to stuff - stuff from our childhood, stuff from our everyday lives and stuff we don't even know we are holding onto. This blocks the meridians in our body and this effects our muscles. Now it might sound like smoke and mirrors to those non-believers out there, but I believe our mind is sometimes our worst enemy and sometimes our strongest friend. Simon believes I have at least 3 frozen accu-points in my body - 1 at the base of my skull, 1 in my shoulder and 1 in my back. He did a simple test today with amazing results. So smoke and mirrors or not, I believe I have nothing to lose, except the $80 it will cost me for 1 1/2 hours treatment - costs me more than that for my hair!

From what I have heard and understand about kinesiology I may have to confront things about myself - I am really quite scared about that aspect of the treatment, I like to be in control at all times but maybe this time I need to let go.

I am scared that many tears will be shed because I know when I am honest with myself that I hold on to everything. I store it in little places in my soul and bury it down so deep that I sometimes forget it is there, but it is. My soul bruises very easily, that doesn't mean I am thin skinned, but I take on the troubles of the world and the blows that others receive hit me as well. I don't understand all the bad things that are happening out there, I don't understand the selfishness of some people, I don't understand the hate, there is just so much that upsets me - and these are things I have no control over.

I feel physical pain every time I hear someone close to me saying hurtful to others they love and I love. My heart feels it all. I know that no one is happy 100% of the time and we all lash out in times of stress - I do it myself, I am certainly not perfect and when I do it too that hurts my heart even more. So I over compensate and try and control all the things I can within my sphere of influence.

Don't even get me started on how I feel about myself and my weight.

Yes I think there may be many tears shed, but oh to be free of pain.


  1. Oh, I do love this post.
    I love the openness and honesty in your writing.

    I have just come across your blog recently, hope you don't mind me commenting! (I also commented on another earlier post)

    I truly hope that this healing will be of assistance to your pain.
    Thankyou for sharing :)

    Charli xoxox

  2. Thank you Charli, what a lovely comment for me to find today. xxx



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