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Saturday, April 17, 2010

All Is Fine Until I Look Into His Eyes

Last night we went and had dinner with my son, and my youngest daughter - they share a house. It was the first time I had seen him since he was assaulted on Wednesday night. I knew that I had to stay away when we found out as I was so emotional that it would have only made it worse for him because that is who he is.

So my darling hubby took the burden that I passed onto him and was the rock the L needed on Thursday. My daughter had been that rock for him on the night of the assault. I had spoken to my son on Thursday night as I needed to hear his voice, and I explained about the reason I had stayed away. He told me it was the right thing to do as he would have got upset about me being upset.

Last night the first thing he did was give me a hug as he was worried about me. He gave me the biggest hug, as if I needed it more than him. I probably did. I didn't want to let him go. He towers over me at 6 foot 5 and I feel so small against him, and yet I am not - large and reasonably tall at 5 foot 7. But he is still my baby, even at 27, he is the child I fought so hard to raise.

Physically he is on the mend - luckily for us when he was knocked unconscious he fell sideways and landed on the grass verge rather than the path or the road. Luckily for us, he only got kicked in the back of the head once, as our good Samaritan called out and started running towards the attacker and scared him off. Luckily for us, he only had to stay in hospital for a short while.

Outwardly my son looks okay, if you didn't know about the assault there wouldn't by much to let you know. He has a lump on the back of his head, a little bruising coming out on his jaw, a pretty nasty headache which is on the mend, nausea and dizziness. Sometimes he feels like it can't get this thoughts straight. He is having some flashbacks when he tries to sleep, but not all the time. He is doing well, or so he says.

Until I look into his eyes I almost believe him. His eyes can't lie. Maybe only a mother can see what is hidden there. Maybe only this mother who has seen this pain before. It breaks my heart. He has fought so hard to be where he is in life. He suffered 12 years of bullying at school. He suffered years and years of anxiety attacks. He has fought so hard to be the adult he is. This beautiful independent and gentle soul. I look into his eyes, shadowed by dark rings, I see his body language and I know, this has hit him harder than he is letting on.

I feel a deep sadness in amongst the relief that he is okay, it could have been far worse. But in my heart there is sadness, I try and push it away, but it remains. So I will bury it deep for he doesn't need to see. He only needs to see my love. I will keep the tears for here at home.

In time we will all heal, it has hit all our family hard. His sisters, his dad and me. While the low-life that did this to him stole his stuff, he also stole a piece of this family.

Crime is not new to us. In the last two years my middle daughter has been broken into twice, once while they were out and once while they were asleep. They stole her car the second time. I have always been thankful that they were not hurt. Stuff can be replaced. But the fear remains in my daughter and grand-daughter's hearts. Over time it is buried deeper, but it is always there lurking.

Will it be the same for my son? Will he be able to walk the streets at night on the way home from work and not be tense. Will he assess every stranger as a foe rather than a friend?

There are many ways that our glass is half full, but I am having to work a little harder today to keep it there.

Thank you to all my blogging friends for their kindness and for leaving caring comments - each one means so much to me.


  1. Oh my friend. You and I know the scars which they hide so well. But you and your family are an incredible unit, and undefeatable with your love for each other. Your son is lucky to have a Mum who knows and reads him so well.

    This person will be caught. Maybe not this time, but the next or the next.


  2. This is heartbreaking Kakka, my love to you and all your family. Every time I think about it my horror rises anew. And also, my admiration for that good samaritan - bless them for their brave deed. Hugs to you and the hope that you all come out of this stronger and even more tightly bound to each other than before xxx

  3. Oh sweets. So hard. On you all. xx

  4. Just came over from Madmother and I can only offer my best wishes and thoughts for you and your son and that he is able to overcome this horrible attack on him xxx

  5. To try and understand how you are all feeling I have to imagine how I would have felt had it been you or Steve that had been attacked.

    I am glad you are keeping everyone up to date on how everyone is doing.

    Fantastic that the third man actually intervened. It takes a lot of courage to do that nowadays and my hat is off to him for his bravery. That is the one good thing that comes out of this dreadful event; there are still people out there that do care for their fellow human being.

    We have been burgled and I had my handbag snatched and it is not something you forget but you do put it behind you. I was fortunate in that a fantastic young man gave chase and caught the bloke that had my handbag. He wouldn't even give me his name so I could never thank him properly.

    Our love and thoughts are with all of you.

  6. OMG I didn't know, I am so sorry for you and your boy.....what a horrific thing to happen. Thank God he is okay....your post got me thinking of my own 7 yr old, he will always be my baby even when he is 6 foot 2 and 27! That's the way it always is.....I will keep you guys in my thoughtsxx

  7. OH Kakka I am so sorry that this has happened :( . How horrible for you all. You sound like a close family and what a wonderful mother you are. (((hugs))) to you all xo

  8. I hate that this has happened to him. I haven't seen him in years but if I did I'd want to give him a hug too....wish I could give you one. Praying for you all. xx

  9. "He has fought so hard to be the adult he is. This beautiful independent and gentle soul."
    You could be my own Mum, who has said the above sentence with redards to me on numerous occasions. And yet- your kids get whacked by life, physically and emotionally. It's so interesting to me to read the 'Mother's' point of view.
    Much love to you and yours, your 27 year old friend, Ri xoxo

  10. "Redards" it's like blogging bloopers anonymous...boo! I meant to say 'regards'. You know. The intention was true, even though the speellling was not.

  11. Thank you all for your thoughts. Sometimes it helps to write the words that are in my heart. My son is intensely private and probably would not like that I have put this out here. But he would also understand the need to relieve my heart ache. I know a lot of you have children that are still young. It doesn't matter who old they get, they will always be your children for even when they grow up ... they are still a part of your heart and soul.

  12. Shit, I had no idea. I don't even know what to say. This isn't the place anyway. I'm just... there's no words. Horrible.

    I will send you an email instead. My love is with you, all of you. Tell him that, yeah?

  13. I'm so sorry that your family specifically your son has to go through this. I will never understand how one person can purposely hurt another. It hurts my heart.

  14. Huge *hug* K. I really don't know what to say, so I'll leave it at that.

  15. Oh! I've been away, and I'm so sorry to find this. This is utterly heartbreaking.

    I'm glad you were able tohug him. I hope the scars, both physical and other mend soon.

    God, karen. How awful.



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