Welcome to my blog.

My blog expresses my views and thoughts and in no way intends to offend however that does not guarantee it wont.

I write in a stream of consciousness and sometimes the odd typo or bad grammar may appear - please excuse these.

Please feel free to leave a comment if something inspires you to do so.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Overwhelming Fear

Ever been so terrified that you feel physically sick? Ever been so terrified that every part of you wants to not do what you need to do? Ever feel so mad at yourself about your own idiosyncrasies?

Well that is me today.

Some days I just feel such an idiot about who I am. I am getting worked up over something that to some people would seem like nothing. So why am I making it such a big deal? I can't actually answer that except to say it is just me.

So maybe you are wondering what all the fuss is about? Maybe not too - LOL.

Well on Monday morning at 6am I am meeting one of my 'sisters' at the local pool and we are going to water walk. So, I hear you ask in cyberspace - Whats the big deal?

Well I don't have bathers, can't get bathers because I am too overweight - well that is not technically true - I can get bathers that make me look like someone dressed in sausage skin - and a really badly made lumpy sausage at that.

So this is part of the problem, you see I hate drawing attention to myself, the introverted part of me just hates being the centre of attention, loathes it in fact.

So I say to myself - well what a big head you have - as if people are actually going to pay attention to you, they are too busy with themselves - and this is most probably the truest thing I have ever said. But what if they don't, I hate what my body is, I never put it out on show and here I am going to the swimming pool - the place where you feel most exposed.

To make matters worse, having no bathers means I will be wearing Lycra cycle pants and a loose top - so won't this make people look more - would I be better to just squash myself into some bathers - and let it all hang out - at least then I am sort of wearing what you should wear.

So come Monday morning there is going to be a lot of self talk to just get me there. So hey JB I might need a hug, but make it afterwards because if you do it first I may end up in a puddle of tears.


  1. Well I would say think calm, blue waters, but you'll be immersed in them anyway, lol. You know what, stuff what others think. Go, enjoy, be happy to be alive... I make a fool of myself regularly and have learnt to disregard those who would judge... Hard to do, but makes life so much easier.

  2. I hope you are able to put aside the fear and relax in the cool water. Will shoot a prayer to Heaven for you on Monday. xx

  3. Be strong, Karen. Will keep you in my thoughts for sure, I know you can do this. Much love, S.

  4. Thanks Sofie, Amanda and Madmother for your supportive comments. Tomorrow morning is the big day, I am feeling more positive tonight, but not sure how I will wake up in the morning. But I am going and that is all there is too it. I am not ready to die from being overweight, so small steps one at a time towards a new healthier me. xxxx

  5. I am so glad you made the effort and did it. You are fortunate in having someone to go with. I have been told by experts for years that I should do the same but I will not go on my own. I once joined a group but after several weeks I gave up....just did not enjoy it or the lady who ran the group. We had set things to do, some of which made my hips worse rather than better. I think walking is the best thing to do. You could also try gentle swimming too. Keep up the good work as I am sure it will do you some good.



Related Posts with Thumbnails