I still put on the face, the smile, when I go out the door. It is there most of the time for my hubby too, although I know that he knows it is a mask. How do I know that, well he is even more attentive, even more loving, doing even more around the house ... and that overwhelms me. In a big way.
Today I had an injection in my lower spine to try again to solve the problem of my pain. I took the day off work as the injection was in the middle of the day, but thought I could go tomorrow, seems I have to have one more day off, which is not a bad thing in some ways.
But this morning, I was so sick, so nauseous, Stemetil didn't touch it, wave after wave of nausea - so bad that my jaw was clenching. I was wrung out by the time I had to go for my appointment.
I struggled to understand why I was feeling so bad. I mean I am still struggling with the side effects of the drug I stopped a couple of weeks ago, my GP said it would take at least 6-8 weeks to get out of my system and so I could still expect the side effects from this low does chemo drug. But this was more than that, and then I realised ... I have been laying all my hopes, ALL OF THEM on this one injection, and I was sick from the thought that this would not work, just as the one before did not work.
My reality is that I now can not stand or walk for very long at all. And if I can not get this pain under control, then there is no future, well not the future I had planned. One of travelling and seeing places and doing stuff. I don't see the point of paying lots of money if all I can do is sit, apart from the fact that my hubby is a doer type of guy. But because he loves me so much I know he will sit with me, but he will be bored, and neither of us would be happy.
I married young, I had my children young, I have worked hard, thinking that when we retire we can do all the things we wanted, get a caravan and travel, fly overseas and travel. Travel, it is and was the basis of what I saw us doing ... now I see sitting at home as my future. I am nearly 56, this is not the future I imagined.
Of course, there is another type of drug with nausea and diarrhea as a side effect that I can try, and if that does not work there are the expensive drugs and maybe one of those will work. So it is not all over just yet, but for some reason my heart is not confident. Please let me be wrong.