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My blog expresses my views and thoughts and in no way intends to offend however that does not guarantee it wont.

I write in a stream of consciousness and sometimes the odd typo or bad grammar may appear - please excuse these.

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Monday, June 27, 2011

From My Heart

I am struggling a lot at the moment, struggling with little things, struggling with big things, trying to make sense out of who I am now and where I am going in the future.

I still put on the face, the smile, when I go out the door. It is there most of the time for my hubby too, although I know that he knows it is a mask. How do I know that, well he is even more attentive, even more loving, doing even more around the house ... and that overwhelms me. In a big way.

Today I had an injection in my lower spine to try again to solve the problem of my pain. I took the day off work as the injection was in the middle of the day, but thought I could go tomorrow, seems I have to have one more day off, which is not a bad thing in some ways.

But this morning, I was so sick, so nauseous, Stemetil didn't touch it, wave after wave of nausea - so bad that my jaw was clenching. I was wrung out by the time I had to go for my appointment.

I struggled to understand why I was feeling so bad. I mean I am still struggling with the side effects of the drug I stopped a couple of weeks ago, my GP said it would take at least 6-8 weeks to get out of my system and so I could still expect the side effects from this low does chemo drug. But this was more than that, and then I realised ... I have been laying all my hopes, ALL OF THEM on this one injection, and I was sick from the thought that this would not work, just as the one before did not work.

My reality is that I now can not stand or walk for very long at all. And if I can not get this pain under control, then there is no future, well not the future I had planned. One of travelling and seeing places and doing stuff. I don't see the point of paying lots of money if all I can do is sit, apart from the fact that my hubby is a doer type of guy. But because he loves me so much I know he will sit with me, but he will be bored, and neither of us would be happy.

I married young, I had my children young, I have worked hard, thinking that when we retire we can do all the things we wanted, get a caravan and travel, fly overseas and travel. Travel, it is and was the basis of what I saw us doing ... now I see sitting at home as my future. I am nearly 56, this is not the future I imagined.

Of course, there is another type of drug with nausea and diarrhea as a side effect that I can try, and if that does not work there are the expensive drugs and maybe one of those will work. So it is not all over just yet, but for some reason my heart is not confident. Please let me be wrong.


  1. Oh Kakka, I wish I had some kind of magic wand to help you feel better and help you live the life you want to be living. I'm sure there is a drug out there that will help you, and I hope you can find it soon. Until then, dream your travel dreams - until you can live them x

  2. I am so sorry you are suffering. I will keep you in my thoughts. Hopefully this new treatment will be of some help.

  3. Very sad to read this. I'll be praying for you. xx Hugs

  4. Oh, I so hope this one works.


  5. Kakka, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I hope something starts to work and you CAN live those dreams. Thinking of you x

  6. How well I know the frustration and the scariness of having a body that doesn't work as it should and which threatens life's dreams. Sending heaps of good wishes your way that it will settle. SOON. or earlier than that. Cyber hugs.

  7. I'm sorry.

    I hope that this drug is a miracle for you. I hope that the future you have envisaged is still yours for the taking.

    I wish you good meds and a pain free future.

  8. My dear friend,

    I'm so sorry. I know what it is to pin your hopes on a drug and find it makes you so ill that it is worse than the original infliction. It appears I'm about to be forced back onto mine if I want to save my eyesight.

    I hope, so desperately hope that you get relief soon. That this next treatment is the one for you.

    Drop the mask, for just a little while. He'll love you just as much, you don't have to wear it all of the time. It's exhausting.

    My love to you, my deepest wishes for wellness for you. And for that future you've planned.

    Liss. xxxxxxxx

  9. I am waiting to hear how the injection went and if there is any sign it worked. Please do let me know when you can.
    I remember my dream when MOH retired was that we should play golf together even though I was hopeless. I managed to get around the course on about three occasions but then found I just could not walk the distance any more. It is sad when our dreams are dashed so I do understand your frustration. I will not go on holidays for the same reason.....not fair on our partners when we can't go the distance. Were were fortunate though to have our two trips to NZ which I could still walk.
    You will get by no matter what the outcome of anything that happens because you are made of stern stuff and you must let that mask drop at times. Other people have their problems but they must be made to realise that you too have problems which they need to take into consideration.
    Your glass really is still half full so don't give up. xxx

  10. Thanks everyone for your wishes.

    I had to write this to let it out, I find it helps, but don't want to burden the universe. But then if I keep it all inside it only makes it harder.

    I promise the next few posts will be much more uplifting. xxx

  11. Oh Kakka. xxxxxx
    This is not burdening the universe. This is real and honest and it is You. Just for now. I truly hope and pray this resolves for you soon. You are too beautiful and vital a person to all around you not to be at your full capacity. Love and strength to you.



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