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My blog expresses my views and thoughts and in no way intends to offend however that does not guarantee it wont.

I write in a stream of consciousness and sometimes the odd typo or bad grammar may appear - please excuse these.

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Saturday, June 11, 2011

The Sound Of A Mother's Heart Breaking

All my life my children have been my world, the soul (and not that is not a spelling mistake) reason I exist. When I was young if you had asked me what I wanted to do with my life, the answer was to be a mother. I wanted 6 children and I was blessed with 4.

In August 2001 my heart broke when my eldest grand-daughter was involved in a car crash that left her with brain injuries and learning disabilities – I have blogged about this before and the impact it has had on my 2nd daughter's life.

In August last year my heart broke again when my eldest daughter gave birth to my grandson at around 17 weeks gestation, we never got to meet him, and though my daughter has taken huge steps to deal with her grief, I know that it is still there in the background, as it is in my heart too.

Then today I read this post on my youngest daughter’s facebook page and my heart broke again. (her words are here in italics)

I consider it a tiny part of who I am but the world continues to reference it as my defining characteristic. Whether I can marry the person I love or be a parent to the child who stole my heart depends not on the quality of my character but rather that I love someone of the same gender and sometimes it makes me wish that I wasn’t gay.

There is just something soul destroying about institutionalised, impersonal, legislative discrimination that I can’t put words to. I’m not just a number, I’m not my sexuality, I’m not trying to threaten or challenge anyone else’s lifestyle or thinking. I simply want to be able to marry my girlfriend and raise a child with her. I want the life that we dream of together and I can’t have that because people who don’t know me make decisions based on an element of who I am and of which I had no choice or control over. It invalidates me as a person and impedes my ability to dream of something all people should have the right to: a family.

And it frustrates me that I rarely give my sexuality a second thought. It’s really a tiny part of who I am but because it restricts my life in such ridiculous ways, I have to think about it. I have no choice about whether or not it is a big deal. Societal and governmental constructs dictate that it is. Fuck that noise. I want a quiet life with my wife and our kids. I never asked for anything but that and yet it’s constantly forced upon me by people who will never understand what it means to walk in my shoes, who will never understand what it means to feel second class or second rate, who will never question their ability to marry and have children but who consider a group of people a threat to society because they ask for the same privilege.

To a comment from a friend she wrote:

Thanks, and that’s at the heart of what I’m trying to say. I feel like in order to generate any change then I am forced to politicize my sexuality and I hate the idea of that. It shouldn't be a political issues to start with. To me, the things that the gay community agitates for are fundamental human rights. We should be able to take them for granted but instead we’re forced to fight for them at every turn.

I remember when I came out to my Mum, she cried and at first I thought I’d disappointed her in some way. When I asked her why she was upset she said it wasn’t because she was disappointed but that it was because she knew that my sexuality was going to make my life harder than it should be. I've never felt this was the case until now and to be honest, it hurts my heart.

It does more than hurt this Mother’s heart, it breaks it into little tiny pieces for there is little I can do other than offer my unconditional love and support.

No one should be defined by their sexuality, no one should have the right to stop anyone having happiness in their lives. No government, no religion, no person.


  1. It is not just heart breaking it is obscene that our Government, many religions and some individuals classify people as second class citizens on the basis of their sexuality. Not only obscene, irrational.
    Hopefully we will see a change SOON. Hugs to you and yours.

  2. It angers and upsets me so much that such archaic laws are in place. I found this blog yesterday http://www.thecommitmentproject.net/ and tears flowed as I saw post upon post of loving couples who don't have the same rights and heterosexual couples. How can this be so? I've been trying to compose a blog post about this, and I just can't because I feel so strongly about it. It's time to change.

    My heart breaks for you, your daughter and all the other families who have to live with this. All because of fear of a vocal minority. It's time for the vocal majority to stand up and offer our support. xx

  3. It is just downright wrong. We have no control over who we love, it is emotion, not rational decsion making or a logical choice thing.

    I tell my boys to love whoever, but make sure the person values, respects and loves them too. NEVER is it about the sex of the person.

    (Mind you, they are a little concerned if Madmum goes on the parent float at Mardi gras. They feel she may be a little too out there for the other parents... Go figure?)

  4. Nothing breaks a mother's heart like something hurting their child.

    I agree with the above comments.

  5. How painful to face this everday. At least she has your support. Imagine if she didn't.

  6. Wow, my heart breaks for you both as well, only because its so unfair to her, that she cant be afforded the right to love the one she chooses, and for you, because no mother wants to bear witness to the unnecessary pain of their child.

    I'm in the midst of reading Jodi Picoult's latest book which deal exactly with these issues (in fact reading you daughter's post made me think I was reading a page right from the book! So heartfelt and well written!).

    I hope there is peace for you all soon x

  7. Thank you everyone for talking the time to come and support my family.

    To our family my daughter is a just a daughter, just a sister, just a grand-daughter, just an aunt, she is not ever named by her sexuality. It is not the same for all families with gay children, I understand that many families are less accepting, but not our family and so it is even harder for us every time something like this comes up. Because it is not our normal, nor is it normally hers, she just wants to love the women she loves and there are all these things in the way.

  8. I really have no words to add. I can feel your heart breaking in your post.

    It makes me sad taht things so many of us take for granted are so difficult for some parts of our society.

  9. My heart hurts too.

    No one questions my right to get married and have children, merely because my sexuality happens to be in the majority. I don't see that as a person, I am any different to any other person, gay or straight. So why the discrimation? It is appalling.

  10. I can understand your heartbreak at the words 'she' wrote. This is a different type of situation but it makes me think of why was it that my adopted mother told me to destroy my adoption papers as "nobody need every know". This was back in the 1960s and in some way I think she was trying to protect me and perhaps herself too. I have never been ashamed to say I was illegitimate. You have a second cousin who is in a same sex relationship and they have children. Could I suggest they could help perhaps in some small way. I love my six grandchildren although in different ways and they will always have my support in whatever choices they make in their lives just as I have supported you over the years....with love.



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