I Am Good and I Am Enough - strong and powerful words, words of self acceptance and strength. Words I need to live by.
As mentioned before in previous posts, I have had issues with my father and his attitude to me (and maybe girls in general) and as I have said he is probably not even aware of how I have felt and feel and I no longer have the will to confront him face to face as peace is what I crave most in my life now. What annoys me most is that even though I tell myself it is dealt with, up it pops to show me how wrong I am.
Case in point :
Today during my kinesiology appointment with Simon we found some of my shakras were blocked and childhood thoughts of not being good or enough seem to be the focus of the blockage. So we worked to clear them. Part of the clearing process involved Simon placing his fingers on my forehead and me repeating silently to myself that I Am Good and I Am Enough over and over again. While doing this flashes of childhood memories popped in and out of my conscience.
One particularly troubling one was an incident that happened while still living with my father in Mt Lawley. We had a neighbouring family that we used to pop into see, the boys were a lot of older than my brother and myself and well into their teens if not early twenties. We used to play with their chooks and collect eggs - that sort of stuff. One of their sons was mentally challenged and being a child at the time I not sure what he suffered from.
Anyway, this day he invited me into his bedroom to look at some books, so being a trusting child I went with him. The books were actually soft porn - probably something like Playboy and before I knew it he had exposed himself to me and asked me to kiss his penis. Now there was no way I was going to do that so told him no and went to leave but he was between me and the door and long story short he masturbated in front of me. Now I at that point didn't know what masturbation was so thought he had done wee. That was all that happened, I wasn't traumatised at all, just thought it was yukky and so when I got home told my parents because it didn't seem right that he should wee in front of me.
Now I don't remember the exact words my father used, but it felt like it was my fault, that I had done something really bad and really naughty and that I couldn't be trusted. He rushed me to a doctor (not our family doctor but a stranger) who examined me in a way that was way more traumatising that what had happened. Obviously he was checking to see if I had been molested in anyway and I know that my Dad did it for the 'right' reasons, but Dad that wasn't the right way at all taking me to a doctor I didn't know like you were ashamed of me when I had done nothing wrong. I was an innocent child approached by a boy with problems who never touched me and I did the right thing and said no and told you. But Dad even if you if had the best of intentions this memory even now upsets me more than you will ever know.
I Am Good and being a girl is Good Enough and always will be.
And to my children please don't judge your grandfather by what I write here, these are my issues and my memories and by reliving some of these I believe that they will make me stronger and healthier. It is not done to belittle your grandfather he is who he is and he is happy with who he is and so be it.
You know this is a bit weird and perhaps I need to see your Simon too. At 3.30am this morning I woke up crying (never done that before except perhaps when I was a baby). It is now two months since my second hip op but I was not in pain....just felt unbelievably miserable. Had a feeling of worthlessness...of a life that has not been of much use to anyone!! With a son who has not spoken to me for over 7 years...what sort of mother does that make me? Two of his children are now grown up and I've not seen them for over 7 years so I missed all their teen years. I lost my best friend last month; so many of my friends have left this mortal coil but I go on without feeling I achieve much at all. Maybe some of my inner bits are out of sync and need adjusting?? I am of little use to anyone these days and fail to see the light at the end of the tunnel....if I do see a light perhaps it will just be a train coming the other way. Oh, hell. This is not a good feeling at all.
ReplyDeleteRegarding the other matter, I had a grown middle-aged man expose himself to me when I was 12 and I didn't tell my mum and dad because we knew the family well and I felt sorry for his lovely wife and his daughter who was my friend. I have often wondered if I did the right thing but at least I didn't have to go through the same trauma that you did. I only hope that horrible man didn't molest anyone else.
I am not sure anyone should be bothered with any of the above but maybe I will feel better having written it but not sure that will be the case either.
I am glad though that you are able to feel better about yourself ... keep up the good work.
Mum this is not surprising, you have been through 2 major surgeries in less than 12 months. You have very recently lost your best friend from childhood and got caught up in the struggle of her children as they sort through their grief and resentments. These things take their toll on even the strongest of us and sometimes it is when we sleep that we allow ourselves to cry, and in this case most probably grieve.
ReplyDeleteTo say that you have never achieved anything is wrong, you have successfully raised 2 children with high moral standards and ethics and while one of them is struggling with his own demons you can not and should not take too much blame on yourself. All of us as parents do what we think is right.
Above all you have been a wonderful daughter to both your adoptive parents and your birth mother. You have always been the best Mum to me and Grandmother to my children. And while there have been times when you may have said things that I may have struggled with I would never ask for another mother as I doubt there is one out there who would have stood by me as you have. I am ever grateful for your support and that you have helped mold me into the woman I am today.
Please be kind to yourself, and maybe it is time to talk to someone like you did a few years ago. As while I love you dearly I am your daughter and my advice maybe wrong for you. xxx