I Am Good and I Am Enough - strong and powerful words, words of self acceptance and strength. Words I need to live by.
As mentioned before in previous posts, I have had issues with my father and his attitude to me (and maybe girls in general) and as I have said he is probably not even aware of how I have felt and feel and I no longer have the will to confront him face to face as peace is what I crave most in my life now. What annoys me most is that even though I tell myself it is dealt with, up it pops to show me how wrong I am.
Case in point :
Today during my kinesiology appointment with Simon we found some of my shakras were blocked and childhood thoughts of not being good or enough seem to be the focus of the blockage. So we worked to clear them. Part of the clearing process involved Simon placing his fingers on my forehead and me repeating silently to myself that I Am Good and I Am Enough over and over again. While doing this flashes of childhood memories popped in and out of my conscience.
One particularly troubling one was an incident that happened while still living with my father in Mt Lawley. We had a neighbouring family that we used to pop into see, the boys were a lot of older than my brother and myself and well into their teens if not early twenties. We used to play with their chooks and collect eggs - that sort of stuff. One of their sons was mentally challenged and being a child at the time I not sure what he suffered from.
Anyway, this day he invited me into his bedroom to look at some books, so being a trusting child I went with him. The books were actually soft porn - probably something like Playboy and before I knew it he had exposed himself to me and asked me to kiss his penis. Now there was no way I was going to do that so told him no and went to leave but he was between me and the door and long story short he masturbated in front of me. Now I at that point didn't know what masturbation was so thought he had done wee. That was all that happened, I wasn't traumatised at all, just thought it was yukky and so when I got home told my parents because it didn't seem right that he should wee in front of me.
Now I don't remember the exact words my father used, but it felt like it was my fault, that I had done something really bad and really naughty and that I couldn't be trusted. He rushed me to a doctor (not our family doctor but a stranger) who examined me in a way that was way more traumatising that what had happened. Obviously he was checking to see if I had been molested in anyway and I know that my Dad did it for the 'right' reasons, but Dad that wasn't the right way at all taking me to a doctor I didn't know like you were ashamed of me when I had done nothing wrong. I was an innocent child approached by a boy with problems who never touched me and I did the right thing and said no and told you. But Dad even if you if had the best of intentions this memory even now upsets me more than you will ever know.
I Am Good and being a girl is Good Enough and always will be.
And to my children please don't judge your grandfather by what I write here, these are my issues and my memories and by reliving some of these I believe that they will make me stronger and healthier. It is not done to belittle your grandfather he is who he is and he is happy with who he is and so be it.