Today I went to visit Simon for another session. He thought it timely to review how I was now compared to how I was when I first went to see him. The things he asked me on the first visit were about how I was feeling emotionally and physically (pain, fatigue and others) and most I answered with things like crap, more crap and crappier still. You get the picture.
Today I answered with - much less pain, more emotionally balanced, less fatigued although still struggling to sleep the whole night through and the like, so overall a much more positive outlook.
Between the weekly deep tissue massage (sometimes not pleasant but oh so beneficial) and the fortnightly kinesiology I feel I am moving forward towards healing myself. I have not yet taken the stronger painkillers prescribed by my doctor, or the new anti-inflammatories - I still have the scripts in the cupboard but have not in any way felt the need to fill them.
I am not saying I am running and jumping, but I am now coping a lot better, feeling much more positive about where I am headed and finally feel that I am taking steps to control what is happening in my life rather than drowning.
However, there is a constant that comes up in each session that Simon and I have together and it deals with how negatively I look at myself and how some of this comes from way back, even almost before I would have thought I had conscious thought - I certainly have no real memories of any of this but it seems there ways I learned to deal with my life and these lessons still control much of what I do today.
As a mother of adult children, I now wonder if I have put my own children in situations where they may have learnt lessons that instead of empowering them, may have taught them to deal with situations in a way that ultimately may hurt them. Never my intent, but then I doubt my parents would have ever done anything to intentionally hurt me, its just sometimes it happens that way.
But a lesson that keeps coming back for me is learning to respect myself, learning to acknowledge that I am good enough, learning that my boundaries need to be respected by those I love as much as I suppose I try to respect theirs (not always sure I do a good job there but will certainly be more conscious of it now) and that how fear (all sorts of different types of fear) controls my life.
So if you have a situation (lesson) that keeps coming back into your life time and time again (possibly different scenarios but ultimately the same) then maybe life is trying to tell you to look at yourself, understand yourself, possibly admit you are at fault/or need to change and I bet it won't come back to bother you again. As I have said to my children and others many times - if you find the same thing happening time and time again - maybe it is time to look at yourself as you are the only constant.
It will take time and I am sure some of these situations will come back again, as I doubt that any of us, especially me, find it easy to just give up old habits, but today I felt as if I left a big one behind in Simon's room. Lets hope it is not there to frighten someone else.