Really You Judge A Mother By That?

The local radio station is holding a Mother's Day Mumathon competition, like the Mother's Day Olympics, they want you to upload a photo of you and your family and if you are chosen you get to compete in things like making beds and stuff and you can win prizes if you are the best at all the tasks.

Of course it is all a bit of fun - but it made me think, should you be called the Ultimate Mum because you can make a bed - because if that is the case then I failed miserably at being a Mother?

I have never put being a good cook, bottle washer, bed maker, house cleaner etc high in my priorities especially while my children were growing up.

Of course as a child growing up you want a clean house, clean clothes and food on the table and I achieved that most of the time - but is a hospital corner on your bed more important than your Mother taking the time to read you a story, or hold you close while you cry because you have had a fight with your best friend.

So my priorities while my children were growing up where to keep them safe and healthy, to put them first in everything I could.  To stick up for them, to support their choices as they grew, but most of all to LOVE THEM UNCONDITIONALLY.

So the beds may not have been made regularly and dust bunnies may have roamed (and still do) my house.  Sometimes there were toothpaste splatters in the sink, but if my child needed a cuddle, or help with a problem - then I was there to do my best to make it better.  I tried to be their champion at all times, for my greatest wish for my children is that they be happy.

I like to think that is where I have excelled as a Mother  because I know my children LOVE ME UNCONDITIONALLY and that is the most important thing.  That and knowing that your grown children respect you and know they can come to you, no matter what the issue and that you will respect them, give them the time to listen and love them just for who they are.

So how would you judge a Mother?

The Sound Of A Mother's Heart Breaking

All my life my children have been my world, the soul (and not that is not a spelling mistake) reason I exist. When I was young if you had asked me what I wanted to do with my life, the answer was to be a mother. I wanted 6 children and I was blessed with 4.

In August 2001 my heart broke when my eldest grand-daughter was involved in a car crash that left her with brain injuries and learning disabilities – I have blogged about this before and the impact it has had on my 2nd daughter's life.

In August last year my heart broke again when my eldest daughter gave birth to my grandson at around 17 weeks gestation, we never got to meet him, and though my daughter has taken huge steps to deal with her grief, I know that it is still there in the background, as it is in my heart too.

Then today I read this post on my youngest daughter’s facebook page and my heart broke again. (her words are here in italics)

I consider it a tiny part of who I am but the world continues to reference it as my defining characteristic. Whether I can marry the person I love or be a parent to the child who stole my heart depends not on the quality of my character but rather that I love someone of the same gender and sometimes it makes me wish that I wasn’t gay.

There is just something soul destroying about institutionalised, impersonal, legislative discrimination that I can’t put words to. I’m not just a number, I’m not my sexuality, I’m not trying to threaten or challenge anyone else’s lifestyle or thinking. I simply want to be able to marry my girlfriend and raise a child with her. I want the life that we dream of together and I can’t have that because people who don’t know me make decisions based on an element of who I am and of which I had no choice or control over. It invalidates me as a person and impedes my ability to dream of something all people should have the right to: a family.

And it frustrates me that I rarely give my sexuality a second thought. It’s really a tiny part of who I am but because it restricts my life in such ridiculous ways, I have to think about it. I have no choice about whether or not it is a big deal. Societal and governmental constructs dictate that it is. Fuck that noise. I want a quiet life with my wife and our kids. I never asked for anything but that and yet it’s constantly forced upon me by people who will never understand what it means to walk in my shoes, who will never understand what it means to feel second class or second rate, who will never question their ability to marry and have children but who consider a group of people a threat to society because they ask for the same privilege.

To a comment from a friend she wrote:

Thanks, and that’s at the heart of what I’m trying to say. I feel like in order to generate any change then I am forced to politicize my sexuality and I hate the idea of that. It shouldn't be a political issues to start with. To me, the things that the gay community agitates for are fundamental human rights. We should be able to take them for granted but instead we’re forced to fight for them at every turn.

I remember when I came out to my Mum, she cried and at first I thought I’d disappointed her in some way. When I asked her why she was upset she said it wasn’t because she was disappointed but that it was because she knew that my sexuality was going to make my life harder than it should be. I've never felt this was the case until now and to be honest, it hurts my heart.

It does more than hurt this Mother’s heart, it breaks it into little tiny pieces for there is little I can do other than offer my unconditional love and support.

No one should be defined by their sexuality, no one should have the right to stop anyone having happiness in their lives. No government, no religion, no person.

For My Mother - Happy Mother's Day

To my Mum

When I was small you nurtured me,

you sewed me beautiful clothes,

you brushed my hair,

you cared

As I grew you encouraged me,

you saw my potential when others didn't,

you let me fly free

When I got pregnant just before my 17 birthday,

you did not turn your back,

you backed my decisions and defended me

All through my journey as a new Mum at such a tender age,

you continued to encourage me,

you loved me and you loved my daughter unconditionally

When others were harsh when I stumbled,

I never got that from you,

you knew I did my best

When I finally met my soul mate,

it was because you saw him first and

knew that he was right for me

When as a young family we struggled financially,

you where there to help us through,

with a guiding hand and a bag of groceries or a bill paid

When I had to return to the workforce,

you were there helping me adjust and opening doors

When people compliment me now for the way I mother,

the way I work, the way I give, the way I love,

I have only to look back to the mother who taught me all these things.

I love you Mum, always and forever.

xxx

Moments In Time - My First Born

To feel you growing inside me, it was my secret, I was so young, how do you tell your Mum, your boyfriend, your friends. I kept you all to myself for as long as I could, I was scared they would take you away. I told my boyfriend and he ran, he wasn't ready, and yet strangely I was. I knew that being a mother to you was what I was born to do. I tried to tell my Grandma but I couldn't find the words, she guessed anyway and told my Mum, who came out and asked me.

I couldn't lie any longer eventually the world would know. I wasn't ashamed, I was just scared they would be angry and take you away. You were mine, I could feel you moving inside me, I would lay there at night and caress my tummy knowing that you were there, safe and sound.

Your father came back, we married, oh so young, and we tried to make it work. We were happy in our little house. It was a very hot summer and I was so pregnant - huge belly proudly worn - my child encased within.

Way past your due date, and you were so happy to stay safe inside. Three times they tried to induce you, but you were hanging in there.

It got hotter and I got bigger and then finally the time came. We had your named picked out, you were going to be Lee - whether a boy or a girl - that was your name. In hard labour, your father says, if it is a girl can we called her Christie - and without thinking I said yes - and so you came to be - our Christie Lee. Our beautiful daughter, so perfect.

Poppy called you a worried Eskimo - you seemed so serious, new born and yet studying those around you with a frown - your old soul showed in your eyes and I knew it would be fine, because you were mine.

We stayed in hospital for a whole 10 days, me learning to be a Mum, you teaching me lessons. Bonding was instantaneous, I had known you and talked to you and kept you hidden for so long just the 2 of us together hiding from the world. Now I wanted the world to see - how beautiful you were to me. But I also wanted to keep you close - to look at you and know that part of me was part of you. Someone that would always be there for me, even if everyone else left. You were mine and I was so in love with your little face, your tiny hands and feet. The way you wrapped you hand around my finger.

Everyone wanted a part of you, but I got the best parts, the time when your father was at work and we were home together alone. Snuggling in bed together in the morning, going for walks in the sunshine, having your baths with all those bubbles. Your smile, your laugh.

We learned the lessons of life together, me so young and you so new - and yet so old - the old soul come to help me start my motherhood journey - and what a good job you did - preparing me for the life ahead - my role of mother to many. I was truly blessed the day you were born, I was so young and yet so ready to be your Mum.

My Ever Changing Universe

As I get older I realise that a new order in the scheme of things has started, just as I suppose my parents must have done years before.

No longer will I be or should I be the centre of my children's universe or even that of my grandchildren. As my children have grown to adults they now have universes of their own to consider. These include their own children, partners, friends and work. As my grandchildren grow their focus will also change - so I am savouring these times with them now just as I tried to keep all the memories from when my own children were young.

I am enjoying seeing my children in these new roles and I am proud of who they have become and where they are going. Some still have universes to build as they are solo satellites at present but I know their time will come. Some are in relationships that are still new and developing. Some are parents of older children and some of younger babies. But all of them have either become or have the potential to become the suns that hold their universes together until too they age and pass this place onto others.

It is sometimes hard to realise that I have to let go of my role. After all is not a lot of who I am based on being the one that created the gravity that kept all these satellites of mine spinning. What mother would not feel strange to let them spin off into their own space and realise they can quite easily do it for themselves. Some may even say I have held on too long after all my eldest child is 36 and my youngest will be 27 in December. I suppose that really it has been quite a few years of letting them go, one at a time, but suddenly my baby has been out their wandering the solar system on his own for nearly 12 months. He seems to be going a really good job of it too so why did I worry so much.

Of course there are still times when I so want to pick up the phone and say "oh I wouldn't have done that in that way", but who I am to say such a thing really. I have made many mistakes over the years and no doubt will continue to make many in years to come. One thing I am sure of is that all of us learn from our mistakes at some time in some way. It is not to say that there aren't also times when I cringe at some of the things that they say or do, but they are a generation unto themselves, just as we were and our parents and grandparents before. I am sure that each generation of parents have felt the same.

I love the fact that I have a strong relationship with each of them that they still can ask me for advice if and when they need it. I am still happy to help each and every one of them if and when I can because they will always be a part of my universe. And so I suppose rather than looking at it as my universe getting smaller, maybe I should look at it as my universe getting larger but just that instead of being a the centre I now can move out to the outer reaches and enjoy my time basking in someone else' sunshine.

Sorry, I seem to use strange analogies for my thoughts - lion prides and universes but it makes it easier for me to put into words my thoughts.