The Rage Inside

If we are honest with ourselves, do we admit how much rage we keep inside ourselves. Keep it there because in polite society we are not encouraged to show how we really feel. What happens when that rage has no where to go? Should we not be able to let it out not matter what?

Well my rage ends up hurting me, my session with Simon showed just how much that is true. The Thursday before last I had an incident at work were I felt disrespected by my boss. It was not his intent but it is how it made me feel. So I stewed on it, then talked about it to one of my 'sisters' to see if what I was feeling was true eg that I was not being too sensitive but that I was justified in being hurt and angry.

When it was confirmed that what I was feeling was indeed righteous I decided that I would talk to my boss about how he made me feel. I had controlled my initial reaction at the time which was to tell him to 'stick it where the sun don't shine' as he is my boss and yelling at him in the workplace was not done in 'polite society'. However I was unable to get any time with him on the day as he was tied up in meetings and didn't get back before I left for the day. Small thing really in the scheme of things you may say, and so would I have, before yesterday. However on the way home that night I stopped in to do a little shopping and my lower back went into spasm and my left leg felt like it was on fire and and I literally hobbled back to the car. My back had been so good I had forgotten how bad it could get and this was worse than it ever had been. Tears welled in my eyes and threatened to overflow - not only at the pain but at the disappointment of it coming back, it took all my effort not to sob out loud.

On the Friday spoke to my boss and he was indeed unaware that his actions had caused me to feel the way I did. It was sorted and we both benefited from having the discussion. Since then my back has been pretty good.

Then my session with Simon yesterday and I mentioned what had happened with my back - nothing about any other things, just that I had been in pain on this one day when I stopped to do some shopping.

So we looked at what caused it to flare up again, and what shows up but feelings of not being respected and rage, real rage about it. So he says to me did someone at the shops show you disrespect or make you feel a fool? No I say, all was good, but wait something did happen at work that day. When we discussed that my muscle jammed so tight Simon was shocked. Obviously that was a major issue.

So what do you know, not dealing with how I was feeling right there and then blocked my meridian and pain was the result. Now I am not saying that I should have shouted or ranted and raved, but I should have dealt with it as soon as it happened. Because if I don't I suffer. So now I have learnt another lesson about how my body deals with all the issues in my life. It is not just your mind or your heart that feels all that happens, it is stored within your body right from when you are young. Food for thought perhaps.

Its All About Balance

I had a comment on my Feeling Good post that working with Simon had helped and that I was feeling better about myself.

This got me to thinking - I would never say that I have felt bad about myself - my weight yes - I feel bad about that all the time it is the one real frustration of my life.

However I am very comfortable with who I am as a wife, mother, lover, daughter, boss and grand-mother - sure I would love to have more time to spend on all these parts of my life and sometimes one part will get more than the others just because it has to. And yes, there are things that I have done that I wish that I had done differently but I'm sure that is so in everyone's life.

For a time when I went back to work I used to beat myself up about not being a 'stay at home Mum' - as that is what I thought I would always be - I was very happy with that me. But the economy forced me back to work - it was that or lose our house. But going back to work also gave me a new me, a me that I could be proud of that wasn't tied to someone else. As a mother at 17, I hadn't found that part of me before starting a family and it was a nice surprise to realise that I really did have another side to me Of course my 'Mother' side came with me too and I am often referred to as the 'Earth Mother' of our Unit. Because that is intrinsically who I am - I am a nurturer.

What working with Simon has done is made me re-look at the balances in my life and what has shown up is that I for a long time have not been allowing myself any me time or space - sounds selfish I know - but in this fickle thing called life sometimes you can become so concerned with not hurting anyone's feelings and always being their for everyone else that you forget yourself. Then you end up like I was, totally emotionally exhausted. In that state you are of no use to anyone. This has blocked certain meridians in my body that we having worked together to unblock.

Now Simon is not a psycho therapist of any kind, what he does is read the body's messages and articulates the messages to me. Sometimes it maybe a word, sometimes a phrase and sometimes it will be a phrase I need to repeat to make myself acknowledge what the body is saying and that I am allowing myself to let it go. I know it sounds weird but it works for me. I don't always get the message straight away, sometimes I have to go away and think about it. There have even been times when I have said no that is not right to Simon or I don't know what you are talking about, but then over the next day or so I have an insight or a memory pops up and I go okay yes you are right.

However the one thing I do know is that if I want to continue to nurture those I love then I need to keep the balance so that I allow myself time in the scheme of things. I also have to allow myself to say no and not feel bad when I do.

So to the ones I love most dearly, please allow me that time, most of you I know are hearing me and are already doing that and I appreciate your understanding and love.

And a special thanks for my children for your concern this week when I have been so sick, your daily calls just to check up on Mum have meant a lot to me. It warms my heart when the love that I have given comes back to surround me.

Feeling Good

Well things are finally falling into place and for the first time ever I was able to lay on my back for a whole hour of kinesiology with no pain - that's right none. That was on top of yesterday spending at least an hour and a half on my feet shopping with my daughter at Ikea - no pain in my lower back or leg at all (pity about my feet but that is another issue which hopefully Simon solved today).

Then I went to have my massage straight after my appointment with Simon and Louise is over the moon about how nice and supple my lower back was and the huge knots that where there (she called them slabs of concrete the size of dinner plates on my very first visit) have broken down to tiny little spots which when she massages very easily smooth out. My right shoulder blade also had a huge knot behind it and over the last 3 weeks she has also worked on that and today again just a small little stubborn knot.

Simon also said I was glowing today, the best he has ever seen me - my eyes were bright, my skin looked good and he said that if he could read my aura we was sure that would be glowing too.

Now I wonder if it is because I also went to the hair-dressers this morning and she blow dried my hair straight rather than my curls - maybe that made me glow!

But no, I actually do feel a lot better, in fact I feel great.

I think it is a combination of the kinesiology with the massage plus the fact I have cut down my work hours somewhat then combined with the fact my hubby is home in Perth next week (which has me smiling), then I have the first Easter in a long time with all my family in one place. With all the planets in my life coming into alignment why wouldn't I be feeling good.

Lessons To Be Learned and How They Come Back Until You Do

Today I went to visit Simon for another session. He thought it timely to review how I was now compared to how I was when I first went to see him. The things he asked me on the first visit were about how I was feeling emotionally and physically (pain, fatigue and others) and most I answered with things like crap, more crap and crappier still. You get the picture.

Today I answered with - much less pain, more emotionally balanced, less fatigued although still struggling to sleep the whole night through and the like, so overall a much more positive outlook.

Between the weekly deep tissue massage (sometimes not pleasant but oh so beneficial) and the fortnightly kinesiology I feel I am moving forward towards healing myself. I have not yet taken the stronger painkillers prescribed by my doctor, or the new anti-inflammatories - I still have the scripts in the cupboard but have not in any way felt the need to fill them.

I am not saying I am running and jumping, but I am now coping a lot better, feeling much more positive about where I am headed and finally feel that I am taking steps to control what is happening in my life rather than drowning.

However, there is a constant that comes up in each session that Simon and I have together and it deals with how negatively I look at myself and how some of this comes from way back, even almost before I would have thought I had conscious thought - I certainly have no real memories of any of this but it seems there ways I learned to deal with my life and these lessons still control much of what I do today.

As a mother of adult children, I now wonder if I have put my own children in situations where they may have learnt lessons that instead of empowering them, may have taught them to deal with situations in a way that ultimately may hurt them. Never my intent, but then I doubt my parents would have ever done anything to intentionally hurt me, its just sometimes it happens that way.

But a lesson that keeps coming back for me is learning to respect myself, learning to acknowledge that I am good enough, learning that my boundaries need to be respected by those I love as much as I suppose I try to respect theirs (not always sure I do a good job there but will certainly be more conscious of it now) and that how fear (all sorts of different types of fear) controls my life.

So if you have a situation (lesson) that keeps coming back into your life time and time again (possibly different scenarios but ultimately the same) then maybe life is trying to tell you to look at yourself, understand yourself, possibly admit you are at fault/or need to change and I bet it won't come back to bother you again. As I have said to my children and others many times - if you find the same thing happening time and time again - maybe it is time to look at yourself as you are the only constant.

It will take time and I am sure some of these situations will come back again, as I doubt that any of us, especially me, find it easy to just give up old habits, but today I felt as if I left a big one behind in Simon's room. Lets hope it is not there to frighten someone else.

Stroke Me Stroke Me - Well How About You Stroke Yourself

I had originally started another post last night about how fed up I am of working with some "What About Me" people, then on the way back from my daughter's house this morning heard the Stroke Me, Stroke Me song on the radio and suddenly this seemed a better title and a better post so I deleted what I had written and here is the new and hopefully improved version.

In my workplace there are two major "Stroke Me, Stroke Me" personalities and they both have different behaviours they exhibit to achieve their goal of being stroked. Now these behaviours are not always positive and in most instances are negative. One particular person also doesn't mind if the stroking they receive is actually slapping instead - they just need the attention.

Now I suppose all of us need a certain amount of stroking in our lives, we are after all human beings and all of us if we are honest have an ego, however I would hope that I get enough stroking in my relationship and that I stroke back and that I even have the ability to self stroke. And this has nothing to do with physical touching, but that I have a healthy relationship with a partner who considers my needs and who I hope feels that I consider his. I am beginning to think that I am extremely lucky. It also doesn't mean there aren't times when I feel negative about myself - hell there are lots of those times as I am sure you would work out from my posts but I also know how to appreciate myself and what I do. I don't always need someone to tell what a good job I have done - would be great it they did, but it is not the intent of my working day eg to have people gush over me with praise - no I go to work, to do my work and I love my work and am proud of myself when I do a good job.

Now as I have admitted before I rescue people, and that includes giving into to their stroking demands, partly because I do understand that not everyone has a relationship that delivers this for them and not everyone is good a self stroking. But there comes a time when enough is enough, this past week was that time and to be truthful it has been a long time coming.

But when I have a week when both my boss and one of my co-workers have huge "What About Me I Need Stroking" moments over a 2 day period finally my brain, my heart and my body (yes my body you should have felt my back and shoulders) goes okay enough it enough, no more, no helping, I'm done.

So people, grow up and have a good hard look at yourself.

To my boss - be a boss, maybe if you did that properly you wouldn't have the issues you now have to deal with, and guess what, I will continue to do a good job for you but I will not be your backbone when dealing with the hard stuff - you get paid to do that not me and not any of your other staff, so stop expecting us to be the ones who deal with it. I don't care if you don't want to be a "father/boss" because your father was (in his words) "catholic and strict and I'm not going to be that way" - well tough cookies being a boss means just that. I know you are under pressure but hey so are all of us who work for you and all but one of us is delivering and maybe if you had listened to us earlier and been a boss and dealt properly with our co-worker we would not be dealing with the issues now. You and only you bought this pain on all of us.

To my co-worker, you have no-one to blame but yourself for what it happening to you, so take a good hard look at yourself, if the same situation keeps happening in your life and you are the only constant - then who do you think needs to take the blame - yes that right it is you. It is not like you haven't had lots of us telling you and coaching you and encouraging you but you need to listen, and listen with an open mind. You are a grown woman so act like one. I know you have had a tough childhood and maybe your life hasn't turned out like you thought it would but guess what there are a few of us who work alongside you who have not had it easy either and yet we can act like grown people because we have taken the steps and taken responsibility for who we are. Maybe, just maybe if you did that you would find your life is suddenly a whole lot better.

So there it is said, and yes maybe this is the safe option, say it here where they probably will never find it - but guess what - I'm so fired up I will probably say it to them anyway. Who cares what the fall out is - I am just plain tired of working my butt off and seeing my staff and other co-workers working their butts off while one of you does nothing and the other may work hard but only wants to undertake the bits of their job that they like!

Rescuers Anonymous

Hi, my name is Karen and I am a rescuer - welcome to the first meeting of Rescuer's Anonymous.

I'm not really being funny here, I admit I am a rescuer - and while I do not regret this part of my being, it is time I stopped. No longer can I be everything for everyone or should I ever have felt that I should be.

I can't solve your problems, you need to take steps to solve them yourself. I can't be your therapist - you need to find someone who is trained. I can however be your friend and celebrate your good times and have good times with you, I can be a shoulder for you to lean on - but not the sole support.

You may ask where has this come from after all this time - well It has become obvious with my work with Simon that I have allowed people to step all over the boundaries I should have in place to protect myself. I admit that I have allowed this often because peace is what I crave most in my life. I am not saying that anyone has ever intentionally trampled them but often in the past my longing for peace has meant that I won't challenge what you say or what you need me to do, it has been easier to just go with the flow - but no longer.

Now I have to say NO, in capitals, and you have to respect my right to do so. I will no longer allow my soul to be damaged, I need to let it heal. This doesn't mean I don't love you, it just means I need to learn to love myself as well. It means that I am spiritually exhausted, it means that while I help you I hurt myself because I am not listening to what my body, soul and heart tell me - that is "that it is time for me". So don't always expect me to be there for you when you phone, don't always expect me to answer your emails, don't always expect me to stop work because you need to talk about you because you need me to stroke your ego. I need to do what I need to do to heal and this will mean some walls will appear around me, if they haven't started to already, please do not take this personally.

There are sure to be other meetings of Rescuer's Anonymous as I am positive that I will fall back into my rescuing habits, it is after all an intrinsic part of who I am as a person, I empathize with others way to easily.

It is not that I even want to lose that part of me, it is just I need to learn to balance it so that it is in my favour.

Thank you for reading and understanding.

I Am Good and I Am Enough

I Am Good and I Am Enough - strong and powerful words, words of self acceptance and strength. Words I need to live by.

As mentioned before in previous posts, I have had issues with my father and his attitude to me (and maybe girls in general) and as I have said he is probably not even aware of how I have felt and feel and I no longer have the will to confront him face to face as peace is what I crave most in my life now. What annoys me most is that even though I tell myself it is dealt with, up it pops to show me how wrong I am.

Case in point :

Today during my kinesiology appointment with Simon we found some of my shakras were blocked and childhood thoughts of not being good or enough seem to be the focus of the blockage. So we worked to clear them. Part of the clearing process involved Simon placing his fingers on my forehead and me repeating silently to myself that I Am Good and I Am Enough over and over again. While doing this flashes of childhood memories popped in and out of my conscience.

One particularly troubling one was an incident that happened while still living with my father in Mt Lawley. We had a neighbouring family that we used to pop into see, the boys were a lot of older than my brother and myself and well into their teens if not early twenties. We used to play with their chooks and collect eggs - that sort of stuff. One of their sons was mentally challenged and being a child at the time I not sure what he suffered from.

Anyway, this day he invited me into his bedroom to look at some books, so being a trusting child I went with him. The books were actually soft porn - probably something like Playboy and before I knew it he had exposed himself to me and asked me to kiss his penis. Now there was no way I was going to do that so told him no and went to leave but he was between me and the door and long story short he masturbated in front of me. Now I at that point didn't know what masturbation was so thought he had done wee. That was all that happened, I wasn't traumatised at all, just thought it was yukky and so when I got home told my parents because it didn't seem right that he should wee in front of me.

Now I don't remember the exact words my father used, but it felt like it was my fault, that I had done something really bad and really naughty and that I couldn't be trusted. He rushed me to a doctor (not our family doctor but a stranger) who examined me in a way that was way more traumatising that what had happened. Obviously he was checking to see if I had been molested in anyway and I know that my Dad did it for the 'right' reasons, but Dad that wasn't the right way at all taking me to a doctor I didn't know like you were ashamed of me when I had done nothing wrong. I was an innocent child approached by a boy with problems who never touched me and I did the right thing and said no and told you. But Dad even if you if had the best of intentions this memory even now upsets me more than you will ever know.

I Am Good and being a girl is Good Enough and always will be.

And to my children please don't judge your grandfather by what I write here, these are my issues and my memories and by reliving some of these I believe that they will make me stronger and healthier. It is not done to belittle your grandfather he is who he is and he is happy with who he is and so be it.

Getting Better Every Day

I am happy to report that I have had a fairly pain free weekend. Last night hubby and I went to Dralion and the seating was not wonderfully wide and I had a very large man sit next to me for the second half which was not comfortable for either of us and by the end of the show my shoulder and hip were really sore. So much so we ended up not going to a friend's birthday party which was on and we had hoped to managed after the show. So when I went to bed last night I was worried about how I would sleep but did not take any pain killers. I slept really well. I am now back in the spare bed and having the extra room gives me space to really get into a position that suits my body. I miss having my lovely husband in bed with me, but it is a sacrifice we are both happy with if it means I can get better. If our bedroom was big enough for a king size bed we would be okay, but a queen is all we can fit in there.

Today I have had little pain at all, although my shoulder is a little tender now, but nothing compared to how it has been.

So I am hoping that Simon's work with me is clearing my meridians and allowing me to become pain free. I am also having weekly full back massage for the next 6 weeks to try and loosen my muscles so that they can work in combination with Simon's kinesiology.

My doctor put me on a course of stronger pain meds and anti-inflammatories but I have resisted going to the chemist and filling the scripts as I want to see what happens without resorting to more chemicals in my body. I'm not sure how she will react to all this as I haven't told her what I am doing, but it is my body and I really have to try.

So fingers crossed I continue down this path. There maybe some minor detours back to pain like last week as my body and mind fights to go back to the ways it has lived, but I am moving forward and that can only be a good thing. My hubby has also been home all this week and I think just having him here soothes my spirit, he is back on the Adelaide jaunts again from tomorrow and it will just be me and the cat until Thursday night, but I will cope.

Thank you to all my friends who have been so supportive recently, your prayers and thoughts really boost my spirit - a special thank you to my work sister - twins we are indeed.

A Complicated Woman

Today I got told I was a complicated case - Simon has never before had someone like me present themselves to his clinic - someone with frozen accu-points within other frozen accu-points. Never before has Simon had someone present with as many blocked meridians and with a repressed adrenal gland and pituitary gland. He said I was uncommon and obviously with my now weekly massage and fortnightly kinesiology appointments I won't be cheap either. Still as I said to my hubby isn't it better to have an uncommon and expensive wife rather than a common and cheap one!

But really I am not surprised at all by what Simon has said. As I mentioned in a previous post I have many things buried deep within my soul. I lie to myself and say I have dealt with them, but the reality is I have buried them so deep I think they are gone - well in my head anyway. My heart always tells me they are there.

That is why I am finding blogging a way to release some of what I have hidden. Unfortunately there are things I won't post here because to do so may hurt some of the people who follow my blog. And causing someone I love pain is not something I can intentionally do. I know that I most probably do cause unintentional pain to my loved ones as we all do that but I can't write all I want to on a public blog because I know that some of it will hurt others. I have thought about starting a private one as well and not letting anyone have access to it, that way I wouldn't have to censor what I write but I'm not sure if that would help as isn't that just hiding again. I will have to dwell on that one for an answer.

Who would have thought that hanging on to all the hurt in my life would have made me continue to hurt myself without even knowing it. I once said many years ago when one of my work colleagues told me she didn't know how I coped with all that was going on in my life that I was too frightened to cry as some days I felt that if I started crying I wouldn't be able to stop. And so I controlled myself every day rather than scream and fall into a heap - my family needed me to be strong and there for them. Maybe that is why I sometimes have the odd tear fall from my eyes when I least expect it - they are still there stored up just waiting to be shed. And that scares me more than anything else in my life. I just can't let all those tears escape so I will continue to cry at sad movies and the bad news that I hear and see on TV because each of those tears lessens the ones I am holding onto.

Falling Back Into Old Habits

Earlier I posted that I was going to have a session of kinesiology and that I hoped that it would ease my pain. Well for a day to two it did, then it came back with a vengeance. Now this got me wondering.

If I have been holding onto fear for 53 years, could I in 1 session lose that fear or would my body and brain fight to get it back? After all it had built its existence on having fear inside.

Does my body really want to live without pain, after all it has gotten used to having that in its life too.

Is part of the reason I am having trouble because I am so emotionally exhausted? Do I need to be at my full capacity to allow myself to heal?

Am I in fact my worst enemy? I really don't know, but I do know that I can no longer cope with this much pain. Last night I was walking laps of my back garden at 3 am trying to get rid of the cramping in my left foot. Then I had to sit up in a chair with my shoe on and my foot flat on the floor to keep it from returning until 4.30 am when I staggered back to bed.

Part of the issues with DISH is that when you get bone calcification on each end of a ligament or tendon the tendon or ligament tightens, hence I suppose it is more prone to cramp. My massage therapist commented last Tuesday just how tight my calf muscles and Achilles tendon were. She proceed to massage them which was extremely painful. So it seems even getting better cause me pain.

I am a strong woman and I know that I will continue to cope with this, there is no other option apart from death and I am not ready to die yet. It is just that at this point it all seems too hard.

Waking every morning feeling just as tired as when I went to bed, struggling to get up and move, having trouble doing simple things like putting on my own bra and getting dressed seem wrong for a woman my age and what does the future hold, more of the same?

Hence my search for help, I know there is no cure for DISH or osteo-arthritis but something must be out there that can help reduce the pain apart from stronger painkillers - I am not ready for morphine yet.

So I will have more sessions with Simon and continue to have weekly massage. I will try to recharge my batteries so that I am better able to heal. I will remain positive and I will above all else keep smiling.

Mysterious Indeed

Today I had my first kinesiology appointment and as I had feared there were tears shed. In fact I got very emotional indeed - and I still don't know exactly why as all Simon was doing was tapping very lightly on my forehead as he counted backwards from 53 to birth. When he got to birth the floodgates opened and I couldn't stop crying no matter how hard I tried, so I just let the tears come - felt very embarrassed indeed.

Simon tells me it is common as part of the process of letting go usually means tears. I'm still not sure what exactly I was letting go of - Simon said I was blocked with FEAR and that most of it came from birth, but I'm not sure how my birth caused me fear unless my Mum was frightened during my birth and somehow I picked up on that. Or maybe as a baby we have far more conscientiousness than I thought and I was scared of being born - after all I was a month prem. So I then held on to all the fears in my life and allowed them to control what happened - the fight or flight syndrome - I had patterned myself to react in certain ways when fear was involved. I need to digest this a little more I think.

However, even though I ended up in pain from laying on my back for over an hour, when I went shopping later in the morning, and shopping is when I get a lot of my back pain, standing in queues and walking around - no pain, not any, not in my back or down my leg or in my feet - nothing. Spooky isn't it.

So I am going back to see Simon in a fortnight for follow up and he is going to work on unblocking my thyroid and adrenal glands to see if that can help me loose weight and speed up my metabolism. I may need to have more work done on other areas of my meridians as we can quite easily fall back into old habits. But I am going to try really hard to understand what exactly I let go off so I don't welcome it into my life again.

Hurting Ourselves

On Saturday I am going to see a kinesiologist - I've tried everything else that normal medicine has on offer to try and overcome my pain. Living with pain 24/7 even on the days when it is not too bad is so draining on my spirit. Somedays I wish I was not me, just for a day, but that is not ever going to happen.

Today while driving to work I found myself crying, just the odd tear escaping from each eye every now and then. I seem to find this happening more often nowadays. I am not depressed in the normal fashion, but I am emotionally exhausted, I have nothing left to give, not even to myself. The battery that keeps me ticking along just seems to have very little charge left in it. I know that I am not sleeping well and that doesn't help either, but I need to do something.

So I have made an appointment to see Simon - a lovely man who believes that we sometimes injure ourselves by holding on to stuff - stuff from our childhood, stuff from our everyday lives and stuff we don't even know we are holding onto. This blocks the meridians in our body and this effects our muscles. Now it might sound like smoke and mirrors to those non-believers out there, but I believe our mind is sometimes our worst enemy and sometimes our strongest friend. Simon believes I have at least 3 frozen accu-points in my body - 1 at the base of my skull, 1 in my shoulder and 1 in my back. He did a simple test today with amazing results. So smoke and mirrors or not, I believe I have nothing to lose, except the $80 it will cost me for 1 1/2 hours treatment - costs me more than that for my hair!

From what I have heard and understand about kinesiology I may have to confront things about myself - I am really quite scared about that aspect of the treatment, I like to be in control at all times but maybe this time I need to let go.

I am scared that many tears will be shed because I know when I am honest with myself that I hold on to everything. I store it in little places in my soul and bury it down so deep that I sometimes forget it is there, but it is. My soul bruises very easily, that doesn't mean I am thin skinned, but I take on the troubles of the world and the blows that others receive hit me as well. I don't understand all the bad things that are happening out there, I don't understand the selfishness of some people, I don't understand the hate, there is just so much that upsets me - and these are things I have no control over.

I feel physical pain every time I hear someone close to me saying hurtful to others they love and I love. My heart feels it all. I know that no one is happy 100% of the time and we all lash out in times of stress - I do it myself, I am certainly not perfect and when I do it too that hurts my heart even more. So I over compensate and try and control all the things I can within my sphere of influence.

Don't even get me started on how I feel about myself and my weight.

Yes I think there may be many tears shed, but oh to be free of pain.