Just some Sunday sentences

Washing day in this part of the world, light sprinkling rain means some will go in the dryer and some under the patio to dry.  I love it when you have sunny showers, even if it means I have to use the dryer and I don't particularly like my clothes dried that way.  So only undies and socks will be popped in there today.

Hubby's preparing for a colonoscopy tomorrow, so I feel a little guilty having lovely fresh sliced tomatoes with sea salt and cracked black pepper on lightly toasted multi-grain bread for breakfast while he has black coffee.  He doesn't seem to mind too much though.

My D2 readings are still all over the place, but definitely getting more 'good' than 'bad' in the ratio so hopefully heading back into the normal range at some time.  Still struggling with the whole giving myself injections and regular blood glucose testing, but I'm doing it even though it is doing my head in, so just taking one day at a time.

A little worried about travelling at the end of the month for work as it will be the first time I have flown and needed to take my injection pen and needles with me.  Got to make sure it stays in the right temperature zone so off this afternoon to look online for a pen travel kit.  Luckily I only have to inject before breakfast and dinner so won't have to worry about taking it on the road for the field trip driving around Broome to look at the conservation parks.

The 'black dog' has been nipping at my hubby's heels again lately, mainly seems related to work issues, but it still worries me.  Yesterday he took longer than normal when he went shopping and I really started to fret about where he was and was he coming back - silly I know, but I know things are weighing on his mind, things I can't control.

Got sent this gorgeous photo of my littlest grand-daughter being serenaded by her big sister.  Big sister is still besotted by her baby and is coping well with the transition from being an only child to sharing her parents and grandparents and the rest of her extended family with the new addition.   I just know she is going to make the best big sister ever.

So life goes on, pretty much as usual, with the ups and downs and ebb and flow of the days rolling into each other.

Hope you are having an awesome Sunday in your neck of the woods, will be popping off now to read some blogs and maybe leave a comment or two myself.  xxx

Can You Help Me Understand

Yesterday my husband's brother in law committed suicide.

I know that things had not been great in their relationship, but he had 3 beautiful daughters aged 15, 16 and 19 - can someone help me understand how he could leave them behind.

I know that in his mind he probably thought he was actually doing the right thing by removing himself from their lives. But suicide is never the answer.

I understand that in the blackness that is depression that there seems that there is no light at the end of the tunnel, I have never felt that way, but I get it. What I don't get is how you can choose to leave your daughters - when people get cancer, they fight. They fight hard to stay with us, they don't want to let go.

I'm not saying he made this decision lightly, I am sure he didn't. He took care in how he died, he left no mess, it was not violent - but he died and his eldest daughter had to be the one that dealt with the police and the coroner. No one should have to deal with that at 19. My sister in law and the other 2 girls live 3 hours drive away, so it was his daughter who is here at University (with support from her boyfriend and my hubby) that went to the unit and dealt with the result of his decision.

I don't believe he made the decision because he wanted to be selfish, I'm sure he thought he was being selfless - leaving to make their lives better. But it is not selfless, because someone has to deal with what is left, and that person, that sweet girl is 19.

So please can you help me understand, for I can't at this point.

And please if you suffer from depression, reach out for help, for suicide is not a selfless act, for those you leave behind will always struggle to understand. Death is final, there is no second chance. Please if you feel that isolated, that alone, find the strength to reach out. I know it is easy for me to say, I am not trivialising depression, I have seen it first hand and I know how hard it is, but my plea is for you to hang on.

www.beyondblue.org.au

The Black Dog

I think it was Winston Churchill that spoke of his 'black dog' that was always with him. I imagine that all of us have had one accompany us at some time in our lives, I also imagine that sometimes it is just a wee little dog and other times can be a large aggressive dog.

Luckily for me so far the dog I carry has been mostly small and well behaved and if and when he starts to get a little out of control I have had the ability to reassert that I am the master - sometimes with a cry, sometimes with a slamming door, sometimes with removing myself from a situation.

However I have someone I love deeply who's black dog is much more aggressive, and it is hard to watch when that dog takes control and literally takes its master by the scruff of the neck and shakes its master around. I try to be as supportive as I can. I offer my love and my shoulder to lean on. I try and help to make sense of what seems to make no sense - this is a person who is one of the smartest I know and it is hard to watch them sometimes struggle with what seems like the easiest choices but when this dog has control no choice is easy. I wish I had a magic wand to make this black dog disappear, but I can do nothing but be there and watch and hope that just by being there I in some way help.

It seems that these large aggressive black dogs take the colour out of the day, take the warmth from the sun, take the joy from your soul. I hope the love I offer is a life raft and that the small moments of happiness - like a little girl running up behind you and wrapping their arms around your legs and cuddling in tight, or a a cat that snuggles in your lap and purrs loudly because he is trying to help or a wonderful lunch with friends is enough to keep you connected to the good things in your life. It is hard for me to know if this is enough as I have never really been in the same head space. But I keep hoping because to lose the love of my life is not someone I want to contemplate.

If you too are suffering in anyway, I pray that you have someone in your life that can help.

www.beyondblue.org.au