A Complicated Woman

Today I got told I was a complicated case - Simon has never before had someone like me present themselves to his clinic - someone with frozen accu-points within other frozen accu-points. Never before has Simon had someone present with as many blocked meridians and with a repressed adrenal gland and pituitary gland. He said I was uncommon and obviously with my now weekly massage and fortnightly kinesiology appointments I won't be cheap either. Still as I said to my hubby isn't it better to have an uncommon and expensive wife rather than a common and cheap one!

But really I am not surprised at all by what Simon has said. As I mentioned in a previous post I have many things buried deep within my soul. I lie to myself and say I have dealt with them, but the reality is I have buried them so deep I think they are gone - well in my head anyway. My heart always tells me they are there.

That is why I am finding blogging a way to release some of what I have hidden. Unfortunately there are things I won't post here because to do so may hurt some of the people who follow my blog. And causing someone I love pain is not something I can intentionally do. I know that I most probably do cause unintentional pain to my loved ones as we all do that but I can't write all I want to on a public blog because I know that some of it will hurt others. I have thought about starting a private one as well and not letting anyone have access to it, that way I wouldn't have to censor what I write but I'm not sure if that would help as isn't that just hiding again. I will have to dwell on that one for an answer.

Who would have thought that hanging on to all the hurt in my life would have made me continue to hurt myself without even knowing it. I once said many years ago when one of my work colleagues told me she didn't know how I coped with all that was going on in my life that I was too frightened to cry as some days I felt that if I started crying I wouldn't be able to stop. And so I controlled myself every day rather than scream and fall into a heap - my family needed me to be strong and there for them. Maybe that is why I sometimes have the odd tear fall from my eyes when I least expect it - they are still there stored up just waiting to be shed. And that scares me more than anything else in my life. I just can't let all those tears escape so I will continue to cry at sad movies and the bad news that I hear and see on TV because each of those tears lessens the ones I am holding onto.

A Mixture of Feelings and Emotions

Devastated is how I felt watching and hearing the news of all the people who have lost their lives and homes and possessions. Devastated is what the countryside looks like ... just burnt earth and blackened trees. Tears of sorrow falling from my eyes for people I don't know but who did not deserve to die this way.

Angry is how I feel knowing that some of these fires have been started by arsonists, twisted people with a fetish for fire ... let them burn in hell I say.

Proud is how I feel seeing the Australian spirit rallying behind those that have lost so much.

Admiration is what I feel for those fire fighters, risking all to save others, and often losing their own in the process.

Respect is what I feel for those people who have to go through the rubble to find and identify the bodies.

Sadness is what I feel for those who were evacuated only to return to nothingness.

Hopelessness is how I feel, for I am so far away and there is little I can do except donate to Red Cross.

Empathy is what I have for those who go to bed tonight ... without someone in their lives - lost to fire ... without a home to return to ... with only the clothes on their back ... to those that continue to fight the fires without rest for days on end.

Hope is what I feel - hope that those that survived are uplifted by the thoughts and prayers of so many strangers who have watched in disbelief as these fires thundered through Victoria like a freight train from hell.

Love is what I send and may in some way it make its way across Australia and into the hearts of those that need it most.