2013 The Way Forward

Image source

December of 2012 has bought me to a decision point, I can continue struggling with my weight, with my diabetes and with my pain or take some drastic action.

I know I ranted against my Diabetes specialist when he dared to suggest I consider lap banding or a gastric sleeve to help me lose weight.  I still believe he saw the disease and not the person, but he did me a favour.  He made me stop and think, to go and find out more.

So on the 18th January 2013 I will be having gastric sleeve surgery.  It has not been an easy decision, but after I meet with the surgeon and his team of support staff (dietitians, exercise phsyiologists and baritiac assessors) and I heard what they had to say.  After I watched a DVD of past recipients of the surgery, after I heard them acknowledge that they are sure I am eating the right food most of the time, but I am eating too much for me, for my metabolism - I stopped and though hard.  I am morbidly obese, 41 on the scale, given my height and age.

I am currently nearly 2 weeks into a VLCD to try and shed some fat out of my liver, which I now know is enlarged.  I need to lose 5kgs to start that happening, I am now down about 4kg with 2-3 weeks still left.

I chose to have the gastric sleeve rather than the lap band, partly on the advice of the surgeon, but mostly because I know of 3 people who have had lap bands who constantly struggle with regurgitating food back.  I don't vomit, and on the couple of times I have, my body goes into shock.  So regurgitation is not something I am putting my hand up for.  Apart from that, each and every one of them struggles to eat meat and bread.  Each of them has stopped going back to have the fill ups that are needed to keep the band tight, each of them has put back on some of the weight they originally lost.

Gastric sleeve surgery eliminates the need to fluid top ups, it enables you to eat a varied diet, your stomach works in the normal way, there is just a lot less stomach and so you eat 3 very small meals a day.

Sure there are some big draw backs, I can only drink very small amounts of fluid before I fill up and it comes back up - yuck.  I need to sip water often as I can't easily rehydrate if I haven't kept my fluid levels up.

There are bigger surgical risks too, they basically cut away 2/3 of your stomach using staples and a cutting thingy (like my technical terms?) and you can leak stomach fluid and become seriously ill and end up in intensive care, or you can suffer a major bleed and have to go back into surgery.  Lap banding has very minor risks.

The reality though, is I could be dead in 5 years of heart attach or stroke, I have a 50/50 chance of that happening, I have a 1/2000 chance of surgery complications.   That is not to mention all the complications like gangrene and going blind that uncontrolled diabetes bring to the game.  That is not to mention the fact that no doctor will replace my knee while I weigh this much.

So 2013 is The Way Forward year, the year I take back control, the year I lose up to 80% of my excess weight - that's like 40kgs people, even saying that out loud is scary.

One bonus of being on the VLCD is that I already have had to cut down my diabetes meds, my BG readings are so good that I just can't believe it.  Did I tell you that I might end up on just 1 tablet, or even if the Universe is smiling - no medication for my diabetes.  Not to mention dropping my blood pressure tablets, my pain meds, and all sort of other benefits.

So 2013 is my oyster and I am making sure that I end up with a PEARL.  Thanks to my hubby and all my family and work colleagues who have already been so supportive, who have not judged me or seen this as the easy way out, but have been there cheering me on.

Happy New Year to all who drop by here to read and comment, I hope 2013 is the best for you too, I have so much appreciated your friendships, your comments and reading your blogs through 2012.

Oh and Beth - your turn, go!!

Is That A Train ... Or Light At The End Of The Tunnel?

There is the slightest possibility that there may be a light, a pain free light, at the end of the long dark tunnel.

Now I am not getting my hopes up (well trying really hard not too) but the pain specialist I saw today said he may be able to take some of my lower back and leg pain away.

I had got myself into such a bad way that I was shedding tears on the way to the appointment, I had diarrhoea before I left the house (4 times and took gastro stop just in case), certain that he would say there was nothing he could do.  I even made hubby take me because I knew if he said 'sorry' I would dissolve into a puddle on the floor, just like the witch in the Wizard of Oz.  A huge puddle of tears, that is the tightrope I am walking on at the moment, that is the sort of pressure I am feeling.

Because, you see, he is my last hope.  My last hope that I can get back to walking without pain, standing without pain, and sometimes even sitting without pain.  My last hope that I might be able to travel overseas, or even somewhere closer without it being a waste of money because all I can do is sit.

He is not giving me a 100% assurance, but he is willing to try, and if that doesn't work to try something else.

So Universe, it is time you gave this little black duck a good outcome, because she is not sure she is up for another failure.

Thanks for popping by xxx

The WEIGHT, oh the WEIGHT

You know that crushing weight, the weight of other people's expectations, the weight of your own, the weight of work deadlines, the weight of dealing with other people's agendas, the weight of pain, the weight of dealing with a chronic illness or two.

Well right about now I am feeling CRUSHED by all that weight.

Apparently though, I have a way out.

It is okay to tell people NO (albeit in a nice way).

It is okay to tell people you will not get caught up in their bullshit.

It is okay for me to put myself first, if not all the time at least some of the time.

It is okay to be pissed off with the Universe, even though there are others dealing with bigger issues than me.

It is okay to unload right here on my blog.

It's okay because John (my psychologist) told me it is okay, and you know what, I think he is right.  It's time I broke the mould I have been living in all my life because it has been unhealthy for me mentally.

DO YOU HEAR THAT UNIVERSE???

From now on there will be a feistier, stand up for myself type of personality here, you better get used to it!!!

And just in case that was a little scary, know that I love all my cyber friends that come to visit, you make my days way more bearable.

Thanks for popping by xxx

A Question About You Know What

Warning, if you are one of my kids, or are young and think that oldies don't do IT anymore, you may not want to read further than the banner and if you do - well I did warn you!

Oh and Mum, I know you will read this, but remember I don't need TMI given I am your daughter - lol.

So my older bloggy friends, I have a question for you, especially those of you with arthritis or other illnesses. How's your sex life? Not that I am a perv, I am just curious.

I miss having a sex life, it is not that I don't want to, in fact I really do. And hubby, well he wants to as well, but he is too scared that he will hurt me, and I am too scared of the pain that follows me for days. The pleasure is fantastic but the aftermath sort of cancels it out.

So it has been months and months and months and months (possibly even a year) since we have even attempted the 'horizontal tango'. I miss the closeness, the snuggling afterwards, the whole nine yards.

I seriously want to initiate the passion again, but then I feel my hip ache, or my back spasm and I remember the last few times when I have cramped up, when I end up crying and trying not to let hubby know - but he always does. Then he blames himself, which is not right, because he hasn't done anything different from the thousands of times before my arthritis got so bad.

So my friends, how do you cope?

Have you like us, just started avoiding the issue?

Do you dose up on pain meds prior and after?

And if you have started avoiding the issue, do you miss it too?

Epic Fail and Other Bits and Pieces

Just a quick update, just in case you are popping by to see if I am here.

To start with I am not going to well with the whole injection thing. After the pain of the first injection (see post here), I woke up on the the following Sunday full of trepidation. I actually felt physically ill. So long story short, I got the injection pen out, let it warm up to room temperature, took myself to the bedroom and promptly had a small breakdown. Well maybe not so small, but after about 30-45 minutes of sobbing and yelling at myself (in my head) I finally got the courage up, pressed the button and nothing happened, the bloody thing did not go off. Well that was the final straw, and the meltdown took on epic proportions. I don't know how kids do this to themselves, and I know there are a lot of kids with arthritis who used this drug. So I sort of went into a dark funk for days, and I couldn't tell anyone (well my hubby knew).

Then the following Saturday night, I got a huge welt on my thigh at the first injection site (12 cms across by 9 cms wide), hot, red and painful. It was worse on the Sunday morning, the day to give myself the 3 injection. So off I went to the GP After Hours at the local hospital, sat there for over 2 hours, finally saw the Doctor and apparently it was a delayed allergic reaction! 14 days after the event no less. So his advice was not to take the 3rd injection, but to go onto anti-histamines and to use the ointment he prescribed and to give myself the injection today.

So on Friday, what do I spy, but a large red area on my big toe, so off to the doctor that afternoon, and I have an infection near my toenail. Her advice, no injection today as I can not use Enbrel if I have an infection.

I saw my normal GP on Wednesday between the GP After Hours and Friday just gone and she phoned my rheumy about the allergic reaction, his advice is to ice the area 10 minutes before injection and to stay on anti-histamines for the next 3 months. Really is it worth all this? My GP also mentioned that a small percentage of people using Enbrel find the pain of the injection (not the needle itself but the solution) so bad that they can not bring themselves to inject. What's the bet that is me???

So on a totally different note, it is so bloody humid here in Perth at the moment that I am really struggling, and let me say it is making me very grumpy to be around. Somehow I don't think a trip to the tropics is going to happen any time soon. Last night the humidity here was hovering between 88-90% from 12am to 4 am, needless to say, I didn't get much sleep. Even now it is back up to 70%, cloudy and feels like it needs to rain. And yes, I am such a tragic that I check the local weather site, which is about 1 km from where I live, on my iPad in the middle of the night - I am turning into my mother (love you Mum).

However, all the humidity is giving my lovely frangipanis a growth and flowering flourish, so here are some photos I thought I would share

This is one of our 2 tricolours although the white is

not so noticeable until they age a little

We have 3 whites

This gorgeous hot pink

And this is one of my new ones, it is called orange-yellow and it is stunning

I still have 3 reds which are not flowering yet and another new one, which is supposed to be pink and white but it has not thrown up any flower spikes yet, but boy is it growing.

Thanks for popping by, and a special thanks to the wonderful Elephant's Child for all her support via email.

Well That F'ing Hurt

First of all Happy New Year lovely people out there in the Blogosphere - hoping that you are all looking forward to a great 2012. May it be filled with love, laughter, happiness and good health. May all your dreams come true, this is my wish for you. xxx

Now onto the F'ing Hurt bit!!!

If you have been reading here for a while you will know that I have a couple of types of arthritis, and pain - especially if standing or walking for long, is something I have become familiar with. During 2011 I have been on 2 different types of medication, both with great side effects like nausea and diarrhoea, hair loss, dry skin and sleepless nights. Just the sort of thing you like to add on the top of Menopause - lol. Although I have lost 8 kgs since the end of July - not a great way to lose weight, but I suppose it is a bonus if you use the glass half full method.

Finally in late November my rhuematologist applied to the Federal Government to see if I could move to the new biological drugs, very expensive, and so to get them at a reasonable price you have to try the older drugs to see if they work. For me, they didn't. Now these new wonder drugs are not tablets or pills but you have to inject them. This is a big deal for me, I remember running around a doctors surgery once when I was a child, to avoid a flu needle - needless to say, I didn't get the needle that time. As I grew up, I can say that I gradually got over my fear of getting needles from someone else (although there is always a little bit of fear there still) and blood tests are like a walk in the park and don't worry me at all. So maybe it is the thought of something going into my body rather than out of it that is my phobia.

But giving myself a needle, well that is a whole different story. So the Doctor asked for an auto-inject pen, like an epi-pen, rather than pre-filled syringes. Like that was going to take away my fear!

So mid-December the approval came through and off my hubby went to the Chemist to get my new meds - you have to take an esky as they need to be kept cold. When he got home we discovered that they had given us the syringes even though the script very clearly said pens.

So after some jumping up and down, the chemist agreed to get the pens in. They took a week and arrived just before Christmas, and they have sat in the fridge, just waiting for me to get up the courage to use them.

Lots of people, kindly suggested having my hubby do the injections for me, but I don't want him to be my nurse, he already does so much for me, and I don't want to cross that line any time soon.

So this morning, when hubby had gone out, I took the pen from the fridge, let it get to room temperature, took off the white cap, swabbed my thigh, applied the pen and then pressed the button. It f'ing hurt like a wasp, bee, and bull ant were all biting me at the same time, not the needle but the fluid, it was like injecting acid under my skin (not that I know what injecting acid would be like but you get the drift). I was so tense about it all, I burst into hysterical sobs, but somehow I held it there until it finished. Which to be honest was only a few seconds, but even afterwards, my thigh stung for quite a while.

So I managed to do it once, now I just have to find the courage to do it again next Sunday, and the Sunday after, and the Sunday after for at least 12 weeks to see if it has made a difference.

All I can say is ... crap, this better work.

From My Heart

I am struggling a lot at the moment, struggling with little things, struggling with big things, trying to make sense out of who I am now and where I am going in the future.

I still put on the face, the smile, when I go out the door. It is there most of the time for my hubby too, although I know that he knows it is a mask. How do I know that, well he is even more attentive, even more loving, doing even more around the house ... and that overwhelms me. In a big way.

Today I had an injection in my lower spine to try again to solve the problem of my pain. I took the day off work as the injection was in the middle of the day, but thought I could go tomorrow, seems I have to have one more day off, which is not a bad thing in some ways.

But this morning, I was so sick, so nauseous, Stemetil didn't touch it, wave after wave of nausea - so bad that my jaw was clenching. I was wrung out by the time I had to go for my appointment.

I struggled to understand why I was feeling so bad. I mean I am still struggling with the side effects of the drug I stopped a couple of weeks ago, my GP said it would take at least 6-8 weeks to get out of my system and so I could still expect the side effects from this low does chemo drug. But this was more than that, and then I realised ... I have been laying all my hopes, ALL OF THEM on this one injection, and I was sick from the thought that this would not work, just as the one before did not work.

My reality is that I now can not stand or walk for very long at all. And if I can not get this pain under control, then there is no future, well not the future I had planned. One of travelling and seeing places and doing stuff. I don't see the point of paying lots of money if all I can do is sit, apart from the fact that my hubby is a doer type of guy. But because he loves me so much I know he will sit with me, but he will be bored, and neither of us would be happy.

I married young, I had my children young, I have worked hard, thinking that when we retire we can do all the things we wanted, get a caravan and travel, fly overseas and travel. Travel, it is and was the basis of what I saw us doing ... now I see sitting at home as my future. I am nearly 56, this is not the future I imagined.

Of course, there is another type of drug with nausea and diarrhea as a side effect that I can try, and if that does not work there are the expensive drugs and maybe one of those will work. So it is not all over just yet, but for some reason my heart is not confident. Please let me be wrong.

A Thankfulness Post - The Things That Keep Me Going

As previously written, there have been some dark days here of late, I am so over the pain my body suffers, I am over looking in the mirror and seeing my aging face looking tired and drawn with no energy. To be honest there are days when it all seems to much ... knowing that this is the beginning of this journey, I am no where near the end ... and the endless years stretch before me ... years and years of just this. My new meds are making no difference, their side effects more often than not ravage me ... I know the saying no pain, no gain, but too be truthful ... there is no gain here at all, zero.

Today is actually a good day, so I thought it might be good to write a thankfulness post, a way of keeping my glass half full.

So here are some of the things that keep me going ...

the love of my hubby, his caring, warmth and love surround me ... the soft and gentle kisses he gives me during the day, the way he rubs my back, the things he does every single day that keep me free of pain ... the housework, the cooking, so much each and every day

the love and laughter of my grand-daughters and the many, many photos of them I have that I can look at when ever my heart pleases, which is does often. They have no expectations of me, they love me just for who I am

the love of my children, my pride in how they are living their lives, the strength I see in them and knowing that I have had something to do with that

the warmth of Max, cuddling against my feet as I blog, he follows me from room to room, snuggling with me every chance he gets

these lovely autumn days, allowing me to lay on my bed in the afternoon (on the days I am not working), with the blinds open and the sun warming me softly while reading a book or taking a nap.

unexpected things, like a workmate acquaintance who looked at me the other day and really saw me, and told me he just wanted to give me a hug, and so I let him. He does not work closely with me, but he could see the pain and the tired eyes, and he reached out ... what a wonderful person

the support of the blogging community, all the lovely people who take the time to visit and comment that let me know I am connecting in some way to people. Who would have thought that all my regular visitors would mean so much to me, most of you I have not met In Real Life, but nevertheless, we all reach out to each other when something we blog touches a cord in our hearts.

So, I give thanks for all of the above and for the good days, maybe just maybe they will start outnumbering the bad ones and the smile will come back into my eyes and my heart.

Tonight

In Jan 2009 I wrote this post. I wrote it while at work, it was a particularly bad day. Tonight I write this.

The darkness seems so heavy

Constantly pushing me down

Tonight I have no energy

I have only silent tears

I don't believe I am depressed

Just stressed

I look into the mirror

My face is pale and drawn

It seems that no one sees but me

So does that really mean

That no one takes the time to look?

Nearly six weeks into the treatment

The one to ease my pain

I can only say there is no relief

None at all

There is nausea and diarrhoea

Itchy skin and mental fog

All symptoms of this wonder drug

That is not so wonderful at all

I need to do the 12 weeks

I made a commitment to the end

But it is getting harder

When my pain is getting worse

There are times when I doubt I can do this

More years of pain and cramps

More years of holding it all together

I know it could be worse

I am a glass half full person

But not tonight

All consuming

Never ending

Impacting on my life

Over. It.

A Painful Truth

Anyone who has read this blog for a while would know I suffer from pain caused by osteoarthritis and DISH, this past couple of months has seen me in more pain than usual, especially my left knee and both my hands.

While in Sydney, I was really handicapped when it came to walking around, but I did what I could and really enjoyed being over there. However, each night I was close to tears and the day I walked from the Chinese Gardens to the Aquarium, I was actually in tears while walking. It is hard to face up to the fact that walking makes you cry ... especially in public, so I was thankful that when I got to the Aquarium I was able to take a moment in the darkness of the platypus exhibit to shed a tear while sitting on bench.

This moment lead to an Epiphany ... and it was not a good one. I have always wanted to travel to Canada and New Zealand ... hubby and I were thinking in a couple of years. Now I am not so sure that I will ever be able to get there. This caused me to have a little meltdown when I talked to my hubby one afternoon ... I mean, these 2 trips have been my dream destinations for many, many years. But it seems now that I can not justify spending all that money to travel and then not being able to get around to visit the places I want to see.

At 55, I am way to young for knee or hip replacements, but constantly walking around in pain, waiting for my knee to collapse is not fun. It is hard to lose a dream, and hopefully, somehow, this dream will still become a reality ... but at the moment, it is hard to see that happening.

The other thing that saddens me, is that my problems will likely be inherited by my children. Two of them have travelled, two of them have not, I hope that if there dreams are to travel they do so before it is too late.

Warning : Making the Bed is Dangerous for your Health

Last Sunday - yes a week ago - I was making the bed and something went pop in my back and I could barely straighten up. 7 days later and it is not much better at all, in spite of massage and heat packs and trying to look after it. I think helping to move and pack our kitchen up yesterday did not help.

There will now be a health warning in my bedroom - Making Your Bed Is Bad For Your Health!!! - Leave it Messy and Unmade.

Seriously, I need a maid - is there anyone out there who would like to pop over and help?

Getting Better Every Day

I am happy to report that I have had a fairly pain free weekend. Last night hubby and I went to Dralion and the seating was not wonderfully wide and I had a very large man sit next to me for the second half which was not comfortable for either of us and by the end of the show my shoulder and hip were really sore. So much so we ended up not going to a friend's birthday party which was on and we had hoped to managed after the show. So when I went to bed last night I was worried about how I would sleep but did not take any pain killers. I slept really well. I am now back in the spare bed and having the extra room gives me space to really get into a position that suits my body. I miss having my lovely husband in bed with me, but it is a sacrifice we are both happy with if it means I can get better. If our bedroom was big enough for a king size bed we would be okay, but a queen is all we can fit in there.

Today I have had little pain at all, although my shoulder is a little tender now, but nothing compared to how it has been.

So I am hoping that Simon's work with me is clearing my meridians and allowing me to become pain free. I am also having weekly full back massage for the next 6 weeks to try and loosen my muscles so that they can work in combination with Simon's kinesiology.

My doctor put me on a course of stronger pain meds and anti-inflammatories but I have resisted going to the chemist and filling the scripts as I want to see what happens without resorting to more chemicals in my body. I'm not sure how she will react to all this as I haven't told her what I am doing, but it is my body and I really have to try.

So fingers crossed I continue down this path. There maybe some minor detours back to pain like last week as my body and mind fights to go back to the ways it has lived, but I am moving forward and that can only be a good thing. My hubby has also been home all this week and I think just having him here soothes my spirit, he is back on the Adelaide jaunts again from tomorrow and it will just be me and the cat until Thursday night, but I will cope.

Thank you to all my friends who have been so supportive recently, your prayers and thoughts really boost my spirit - a special thank you to my work sister - twins we are indeed.

Foreboding and Fear

Sometimes as I lay in bed I have a strong sense of foreboding and I start to dwell on my death. I have many strikes against me living a long life - diabetes, weight, menopause although I also have a strong family history of women not dying of heart disease.

But late a night when I wake with cramps - last night in both legs - that leave me with tingling legs and back and an increased heart rate, I lay there and feel that death is perhaps not that far away. Sometimes my whole body tingles and I feel tightness in my chest and I find myself hyperventilating - and I know that it is fear rather than a heart attack that has taken hold as there have been late night dashes to the hospital early on before I knew what was causing these panic attacks.

Why is it that fear controls my life? To the outside world I have little to fear and yet here it is somewhere deep inside me.

Is it fear of being who I really am, after all I went from being someone's child to someone's wife and someone's mother all by the time I was 17. I never had 'me' time as an adult so to speak and while I wouldn't change the path of my life is fear now here because I have the space to really be me and I don't know how to?

In some ways I embrace fear in the things I surround myself with. I love to read books filled with fear and my television watching survey would reveal I watch shows and movies filled with fear. Light and happy books just don't grab me, neither do shows like Packed to the Rafters and the like. Give me gritty shows like Criminal Minds or Bones that explore the dark side. Let me read books by Stephen King and Dean Koontz, books that explore the horror and randomness of life. They are the genres I love. Why is it that I don't like sweetness and light.

I am even fearful of good things like losing weight, all I can see is the loose skin that will remain and the plastic surgery to remove it as the outcome - not that I will weigh less and feel better. The same with my diabetes, my Mum says I am in denial - but I am not, it is just that all I see is another thing that is trying to control my life and I won't allow it too and so if I don't acknowledge its place in my life it can't control me.

And yet I say I want to live free of fear, I want to live free of pain - but do I then sabotage myself? If I was honest I would have to say yes.

So is my foreboding really a wake up call and are my thoughts of dying young a warning rather than something that may be set in stone. If only I could convince myself to take the first steps towards freedom, I see others doing so and applaud them so why is it that I can't allow myself to do so. What am I afraid of finding?

Falling Back Into Old Habits

Earlier I posted that I was going to have a session of kinesiology and that I hoped that it would ease my pain. Well for a day to two it did, then it came back with a vengeance. Now this got me wondering.

If I have been holding onto fear for 53 years, could I in 1 session lose that fear or would my body and brain fight to get it back? After all it had built its existence on having fear inside.

Does my body really want to live without pain, after all it has gotten used to having that in its life too.

Is part of the reason I am having trouble because I am so emotionally exhausted? Do I need to be at my full capacity to allow myself to heal?

Am I in fact my worst enemy? I really don't know, but I do know that I can no longer cope with this much pain. Last night I was walking laps of my back garden at 3 am trying to get rid of the cramping in my left foot. Then I had to sit up in a chair with my shoe on and my foot flat on the floor to keep it from returning until 4.30 am when I staggered back to bed.

Part of the issues with DISH is that when you get bone calcification on each end of a ligament or tendon the tendon or ligament tightens, hence I suppose it is more prone to cramp. My massage therapist commented last Tuesday just how tight my calf muscles and Achilles tendon were. She proceed to massage them which was extremely painful. So it seems even getting better cause me pain.

I am a strong woman and I know that I will continue to cope with this, there is no other option apart from death and I am not ready to die yet. It is just that at this point it all seems too hard.

Waking every morning feeling just as tired as when I went to bed, struggling to get up and move, having trouble doing simple things like putting on my own bra and getting dressed seem wrong for a woman my age and what does the future hold, more of the same?

Hence my search for help, I know there is no cure for DISH or osteo-arthritis but something must be out there that can help reduce the pain apart from stronger painkillers - I am not ready for morphine yet.

So I will have more sessions with Simon and continue to have weekly massage. I will try to recharge my batteries so that I am better able to heal. I will remain positive and I will above all else keep smiling.

Hurting Ourselves

On Saturday I am going to see a kinesiologist - I've tried everything else that normal medicine has on offer to try and overcome my pain. Living with pain 24/7 even on the days when it is not too bad is so draining on my spirit. Somedays I wish I was not me, just for a day, but that is not ever going to happen.

Today while driving to work I found myself crying, just the odd tear escaping from each eye every now and then. I seem to find this happening more often nowadays. I am not depressed in the normal fashion, but I am emotionally exhausted, I have nothing left to give, not even to myself. The battery that keeps me ticking along just seems to have very little charge left in it. I know that I am not sleeping well and that doesn't help either, but I need to do something.

So I have made an appointment to see Simon - a lovely man who believes that we sometimes injure ourselves by holding on to stuff - stuff from our childhood, stuff from our everyday lives and stuff we don't even know we are holding onto. This blocks the meridians in our body and this effects our muscles. Now it might sound like smoke and mirrors to those non-believers out there, but I believe our mind is sometimes our worst enemy and sometimes our strongest friend. Simon believes I have at least 3 frozen accu-points in my body - 1 at the base of my skull, 1 in my shoulder and 1 in my back. He did a simple test today with amazing results. So smoke and mirrors or not, I believe I have nothing to lose, except the $80 it will cost me for 1 1/2 hours treatment - costs me more than that for my hair!

From what I have heard and understand about kinesiology I may have to confront things about myself - I am really quite scared about that aspect of the treatment, I like to be in control at all times but maybe this time I need to let go.

I am scared that many tears will be shed because I know when I am honest with myself that I hold on to everything. I store it in little places in my soul and bury it down so deep that I sometimes forget it is there, but it is. My soul bruises very easily, that doesn't mean I am thin skinned, but I take on the troubles of the world and the blows that others receive hit me as well. I don't understand all the bad things that are happening out there, I don't understand the selfishness of some people, I don't understand the hate, there is just so much that upsets me - and these are things I have no control over.

I feel physical pain every time I hear someone close to me saying hurtful to others they love and I love. My heart feels it all. I know that no one is happy 100% of the time and we all lash out in times of stress - I do it myself, I am certainly not perfect and when I do it too that hurts my heart even more. So I over compensate and try and control all the things I can within my sphere of influence.

Don't even get me started on how I feel about myself and my weight.

Yes I think there may be many tears shed, but oh to be free of pain.

Pain - Putting it in Perspective

Oh how I ache, this humid weather doesn't help my poor old bones and ligaments - yesterday was really bad, today is not much better. And the top joint on my left index finger is the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. I'm right handed so why have I got arthritis in my left hand - well next time you put pressure on your fork when cutting food you will see that you use that left index finger quite a lot and it is the top joint that takes the brunt of pressure you apply when using your fork. But today, for me, it is all too much, just one pain too many. I feel like curling up in a ball and crying.

But I won't, because there is a mother in Melbourne who is suffering much more pain than I hope I will ever have to suffer, she lost her little daughter through the unthinkable action of her daughter's father. The pain she must be feeling in her heart must be indescribable and unbearable, and compared to that these old aching bones of mine are nothing.

Little Darcey may your spirit fly free and may the four years that you spent here on Earth be a blessing to your Mum - may those memories and not the tragedy of your death be the ones held in your mother's heart. Many tears were shed by mother's all over Australia when they heard the news of your death and hopefully they will wash away some of your own mother's pain.

Today

I can't do this anymore

I don't want this pain

I want it all to go away

It can't be here with me today

I can't always be the one

The one who is here for everyone

I can't always be

I just need to be here for me

I can't always be strong

Sometimes my life is wrong

I don't think they understand

All the pain I have to bear

I want it to stop

I want it to go away

It is just not fair

I don't want this blue day

I can't always be the smiling face

I can't always be full of grace

I just can't pretend today

I want it all to go away

No more pain

No more now!

Go away and leave me be

Can't you see

I don't think they have a clue

I don't think they know I'm blue

Can't they see it in my face

Don't they know I need my space

No I don't want to talk

I don't want your sympathy

I just want to walk

Without this pain

I just want to stand

Without always having to sit

I am just so sick of this shit

When did my life become this

Did I really have a choice

When DNA is the one with the voice

Tomorrow better be

A better day for me

I can't do two of these in a row

It's all to hard and I will have to go

Run away and hide

Don't let them know where

Until I feel better inside

Tomorrow will be better

It just has to be

Because today is being horrible to me

An Empty Glass

Well this morning my glass feels very empty and I hope it will get back to half full some time soon.

Sometimes I get tired of being me with my aches and pains especially when I've had a night like last night. Despite my positive thinking my shoulder only allows me to sleep on the right side for about 20-30 mins and even then it is a weird feeling when I first lay on it, like something inside is grating against something else - hate to even think what that is. Then my left hip only allows me to sleep on that side for about an 1 hour before it starts to ache. Can't lie on my back for anymore than about 5 mins so that is never an option. So tossing and turning and trying to get into a comfortable position is what my night's are all about, hence I now sleep in the spare bed to give me hubby a break and allow him to sleep. All of that I can normally cope with 9 out of 10 nights.

But add to that the fact I was hot even with the overhead fan on, then I had the cramp crap that happens at least once a month - not menstrual camps but foot and leg cramps, usually in my left leg and foot and I am sure it is something to do with my back.

So I get into bed and my foot starts twitching (although twitching is not exactly what happens but is the best way to describe it) and so I know that sometime in the night I will end up with a cramp and there is nothing at all I can do about it.

So every time I wake up the twitching is getting worse and now I can also feel it deep within my calf as well. I do my best to get comfortable and go back to sleep but I am waiting for the inevitable and so my sleep is at best light. Because if I don't wake up in time the cramp will be so bad that it takes hours for it to really go away. In the end I get up and walk around hoping that will help, and of course as soon as I stand up my heel spurs pick that moment to hurt, so walking is painful but walk I do in the hope it may help, not that it ever does, but the twitching is driving me crazy. Then back to bed and the waiting begins again, and by now I am really tired and teary and trying to self-talk to myself that just maybe the cramp won't happen.

Then about 5 am it strikes in the middle of dream - they are always in my dreams - and my hubby is there and I'm calling to him "help me my foot is cramping" and in the dream he doesn't respond and the cramp gets worse and then I am awake and scrambling out of bed trying to get upright so I can put some pressure on my foot and straighten it out. Then I am walking again, up and down the hallway, trying not to wake my hubby and feeling like I just want to scream and punch the wall in frustration. And my calf is still twitching, so do I go back to bed and risk it or stay up and just get even more angry. At least if I can get back to sleep I can't be angry at what my body has become. And so I go back to bed and try lying on my back with my legs stretched straight as sometimes that feels better, but of course the longer I lie on my back the sorer my lower back gets and so I have to roll on my side and eventually fall asleep just waiting for my calf to cramp. Luckily last night my calf doesn't cramp up. And I know I should be happy it hasn't but if it follows the patterns of late it will happen tonight or tomorrow night because when I get that twitchy feeling it means it is just lying there waiting until I am asleep enough to come out and grab my calf in a vice and twist.

And so, here I am feeling bloody tired and brooding about tonight when it is about 12 hours away but both my legs and feet are still twitching ever so slightly and my lower back is really sore. You could say I am feeling pretty sorry for myself and I hate it when I have to admit that my glass is empty and not half full - maybe retail therapy will help. But no I will just self-talk myself back to happy as all other alternatives are just not an option in this grey mind space I am in.