Just Over Six Months On

The middle of July marked six months since my surgery, time has flown by, and the long period (over 3 months) of sitting on the plateau are still ongoing much to my dismay.

However, I had my six months checkup last week and the dietitian and doctor are more than happy with where I am.  Apparently I've lost nearly 50% of my excess weight and given my inability to exercise plus the fact the pool is closed, they are really really happy with me.

My diabetes specialist is also really happy, my blood sugars are normal, and I am on minimum medication with perfect blood pressure, low cholesterol and I have said goodbye to my fatty liver.

I am also booked in for a total knee replacement in late October and with the minimum of 3 month recovery time, it is unlikely my weight will do much more than stabilise at this point, however, again my dietitian said when I come back for my year check up she will be happy if I am no heavier than I am now.  She is also sure next year I can lose the 20 kilos that still need to go, I'll be happy with 10-15.

I'm still the fat girl in the mirror in my eyes, especially when I look downwards at the paunch that sits proud of the rest of my body, but I have in fact lost lots and lots of cms including an incredible 7.5 from my neck!!!  Really, that blew me away.

So it's going to take awhile for me to start see me as the new lighter me, my Psych says that is fine, 30 years of being and seeing fat is not going to go away in six months or even a year.

So here's a comparison, I'm not one to share photos of myself and it be honest I still look at the photos and see only minimal changes, but at least I do see some.

From the left, me in Nov 2012, middle in Oct 2012 and right in early July 2013, 32 kilos down from what I recall is my heaviest weight and 25 kilos since the beginning of this journey.  Maybe one day soon I will post the bathers photo, that probably shows the change in shape better.

Thanks for popping by, sorry I have been an absent blogger of late.

The Fat Girl in the Mirror and an Ah Ha Moment

Today when I weighed myself I was surprised to see 95.6 kgs appear as I have been stuck on a plateau again and really felt that this week was a week of putting on rather than losing.

This weight loss journey does your head in, especially when you need to lose a lot of weight, but I can say that I am now down around 30kgs from when I was at my heaviest.  I remember weighing in at 125kg and some odd ounces when I started Curves a few years ago - I was probably at my heaviest then, so 30 kgs down is something to celebrate.  Which means I am about 22 kgs down from when I started this journey in December.

Strangely though, I still see the fat girl in the mirror, and of course I am still classed at obese, and even at my goal weight of 76kgs I will be overweight by the BMI.  But that fat woman, is still there when I honestly look at myself.   Those who have known me for a while can see the difference, but I still struggle.

I think it is partly because I am now wearing smaller clothes, I'm down from a 24-26 to a 20 and from XL to M, so adjusting the clothes means they fit rather than swallow me, if that makes sense.

The other day I put on one of the my old outfits and took it straight off again as it overwhelmed me.

But then, I also tried on an outfit the other day before we went out and hubby was so complimentary I took it off - I know strange.  But we were going to my bosses house and I knew there would be people there who hadn't seem me for a while and I didn't want the whole - WOW look at you experience.   I really don't like drawing attention to the fact I am shrinking, or the feeling that when I was bigger I was invisible and now I'm not.  Didn't help though, as I still got a lot of people congratulating me or commenting on how much weight I had lost.

I mean it's not that I am not happy to talk about my weight loss surgery, in fact I want to shout it to the world, but I am quite an introverted person, I like to blend in and not be the centre of attention.

I was talking to my eldest daughter today about how the fat girl is still there in my head and she quite rightly told me that she had been there for so long that I probably will take a while to lose her.  How did she get so smart??

I did have an Ah Ha moment though.  Hubby and I went to Ovo (an amazing experience) and about half way through the show I suddenly realised I wasn't huddled against hubby, but that I had space and that my butt was sitting comfortably on the seat.  We have seen all the shows and I must say the seats are not generous and I always sit really close to hubby (luckily he has a skinny butt) so that I don't encroach on the person next to me.  This time I didn't have to do that, I was comfortably sitting on my seat and he was on his.  When I mentioned that to him, he said he missed me snuggling, but was thrilled that I was so happy with this Ah Ha moment.

I have even gone and bought some new bras (much smaller) and didn't feel anywhere near as uncomfortable when the fitter came in to check the bra was the right size.  I always used to hate that in the past, but suddenly I felt more comfortable.

I still have a long way to go and it is getting harder.  I lost 18 kgs from when I started the VLCD to six weeks post surgery and only another 4 kgs in the eight weeks since.  Not being able to exercise with this bloody knee and lower back is an issue which is not helping, but as long as I am moving down I can't let myself get discouraged.

Hopefully I will continue to have some Ah Ha moments to help me on my way and before I know it the fat girl will be gone, replaced by a nicely rounded woman, full of vitality and life.  I'm kind of looking forward to getting to know her.

Thanks for popping by xxxx

The Plateau

The Plateau ... the place where you don't want to be on a weight loss journey, but the PLACE I seem to be stuck pretty much for the last few weeks.

Once upon a time I thought that if I could just get below 100kgs I would be happy, and now that I am there, in double digits for the first time in 30 years, well I am sort of happy but very, very frustrated.

I need to lose more to achieve not just the goals that Dr C set for me, but the goals my body needs to reduce my arthritis, to allow me to have a knee replacement, to give me the freedom to travel to my daughter's wedding in America in September.

But here I am stuck, yoyoing between 98.2 and 99.2, up and down and up and down, and the horrible thing is, rather than motivating me to try harder, it is just making me give up.

All the negative thoughts are back, the 'this is what my body does' thoughts, the 'what does it matter' thoughts, and so my motivation takes a walk out the door.

The funny thing is that, positive comments about my weight loss, and I am getting quite a few from people who haven't seen me in a long time, are not motivating me.  In fact, they almost do the opposite.  Strange brain I have it seems, cause my internal voice says, well, see you are still looking great, you have done a great job, do you really have to do more?

Well, yes I do, about another 25 kgs more.  So I will need to have some strong words with my internal voice and somehow find that motivation to get back in the pool, because I believe, that I can't really eat much less than I am.

Life is never easy, I suppose I just need to find the energy to keep on plodding on, one gram at a time.

Thanks for popping by xxx

Speaking Too Soon

The Universe has a way of teaching us lessons, sometimes ones we already know, so it is a gentle reminder sometimes it is a big kick up the butt.  Not sure what category this one falls into but my butt is kind of sore!!!

My last post was about Should I Brag, where I told the blogosphere about how well I was doing with my weight loss.

Last weekend's weigh in bought me down to earth, I put on 500gms.  Seriously, it threw me for a loop. I had changed nothing in my diet except having a very small piece of birthday cake about 10 days before to celebrate with one of my work colleagues.

So were my concerns about me not being an over-eater prior to surgery now coming true, is this surgery mainly for people who constantly over-eat?  I don't have an answer to that, but I have had a crap week, beating myself up about it all.

The dietitian said not to worry it happens sometimes, but this early in the recovery?

John, my psychologist, said move on, let it be, there are always bumps in the road.  Which is true, but it has been a huge wake up call.

Here I was tootling along the highway of weight loss, thinking I was gathering speed, after all I was told by Dr C that I was ahead of the game, just a few days before the weight gain.

So Universe, I've got the message, take nothing for granted, keep your eyes on the goal and work harder.

I am pleased to say this morning's weigh in sees me almost back to where I was a fortnight ago, so hopefully the numbers will keep slowly going down.

The bad thing is, I just wanted chocolate to drown my sorrows in.  The good thing is, I didn't buy any.

Has the Universe been talking to you lately?  Hopefully if it has it has been in a positive way.

Have a great week ahead and thanks for popping by xxx