The Time Has Come

"The time has come," the Walrus said,

"To talk of many things:

Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--

Of cabbages--and kings--

And why the sea is boiling hot--

And whether pigs have wings."

"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,

"Before we have our chat;

For some of us our out of breath,

And all of us are fat!"

"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.

They thanked him much for that.

The Walrus and the Carpenter is a poem by Lewis Carroll that appears within his 1871 novel, Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There

It's been a while since I've been here, and I appreciate that many of you may still visit me now and then and say "No hurry" just like the Carpenter.

There is much to talk about, but I'm not sure how much I will actually put here, as I don't want to engage in a pity party, or a pat me on the back party either.  So this will be a stream of conscience sort of post and we will see where it takes me.

Work - things have been interesting to say the least at work, it has been a time of extreme stress for me, a time when I have felt I lost control of a situation through no fault of my own.  It bought me close to the point of resignation, but ultimately I have stayed as I enjoy what I do and who I work with and I get a great sense of achievement in most things my team do as well.  Personalities will always bring with them issues, and I am the first to admit I don't deal with confrontation well, and so I have left things slide rather than deal with them to the detriment of my own personal sanity.  I am pleased to say though that the Universe has provided me with an alternative that removes some of the issues, and while it has also bought more pressure and stress, ultimately it will be the best outcome for myself, the team and the team member that originally bought it all to a head.

One major bonus of working for the same organisation (although it has had 4 name changes since I started) for nearly 30 years, is that I have a lot of sick leave owing to me, which has allowed me to take the time to recover from surgery.

Total Knee Replacement Surgery - my left knee has caused me grief for a long time.  About 2 to 3 years ago I noticed one day that my knee had virtually collapsed outwards, bowing my leg and making my knee swell.  It wasn't however, particularly painful, just the odd night when it ached or the odd day at work when I found myself rubbing it without actually realising I was doing so.  What it has done though is impact badly on my left side - ankle, hip, lower back - to the point that walking or particular standing still for any length of time was excruciatingly painful.  I did well on our trip to Alaska, better than I thought I would, but not without times when I resented that I couldn't do more.

So on the 17th December I entered hospital to have the knee replaced.  My surgeon was to comment to me post surgery, that my knee was BAD, VERY BAD in fact much worse than the x-rays had shown.  I regret not asking for photos now!!

I was in hospital for only 4 nights and discharged home under the tender and loving care of my hubby (that man is amazing).  What I was not prepared for in the weeks post surgery is how much pain I would be in while I recovered.  I know everyone told me this is the most painful surgery ever, but even then, I didn't think it would be like this.  There have been nights (which are the worst with regard to pain) when I have sobbed in my bed wishing I had a chain-saw to just chop the bloody leg off.

Getting ready to stand for the first time, 1 day post op

Large bandage removed, day 2 post op so I get to see my leg, and the swelling which doesn't look too bad here but has increased so my left thigh and knee are about 3 to 4 times larger than my right leg.

Staples galore

The day the staples came out

Part of my problem is I am unable to take codeine which is a wonderful pain reliever and I am limited to panadol, a small amount of endone (which has other disastrous consequences) and a slow release patch on my back for 4 weeks.  After seeing the surgeon at the Week 4 mark, I am off the endone and on slow release Tramal as I can't take the instant relief one either because of side effects.

But I am told I am not alone in this, many people suffer the same issues, lack of sleep, pain at night, wanting to cut their leg off, and that it can take up to 6 months before this all settles down.  As my Physio says, all the muscles, tendons and ligaments have been pulled wide apart so they can cut the bone/knee out and have to readjust back to where they need to be, apart from the fact my major muscles are out of whack from the years of not having my knee track where is should.  So some are too tight, some are too lose and some have not worked at all and now I am asking them too and so they are pissed off about it and letting me know.

Head Space - but what all this has done is put me in a horrid place mentally.  I'm the woman that always sees the glass as half full, sees the best in people and situations, tries to turn bad into good, sees the bright side, you get my drift.  But seriously I struggled to do any of that, and that, even more than the pain and lack of sleep was pulling me down to depression, to endless bouts of crying for no good purposes, for withdrawing into myself and not wanting to share where I am.  Hence the lack of posts since late November.



I wrote all the above towards the middle of February and then walked away before I hit publish.  I wasn't ready to let it out there.

Finally at the 4 month mark, I can say I am starting to see the bright side, there is less pain at night, I have 122 degrees bend (max of 130 is possible) post surgery.  I still have to walk with a cane as my leg muscles are still to weak, but with exercise they are slowly getting stronger.

I couldn't have got here without the amazing support of my hubby, my family and my work colleagues.  I was due to go back to work early in Feb.  I managed half a day and then fled.  I didn't go back until the end of Feb and then I am pleased to say I was ready.

There are still issues at work that do my head in, but there is an end in sight with a contract finishing in a couple of months, and a staff member returning and I look forward to her energy back in the office.

I don't know if I ever will blog as much as I used to, but you never know.

Thanks for popping by xxxx

Someone was happy to see me home and to keep me company in the hours of pain and struggle during the night.  

The Fat Girl in the Mirror and an Ah Ha Moment

Today when I weighed myself I was surprised to see 95.6 kgs appear as I have been stuck on a plateau again and really felt that this week was a week of putting on rather than losing.

This weight loss journey does your head in, especially when you need to lose a lot of weight, but I can say that I am now down around 30kgs from when I was at my heaviest.  I remember weighing in at 125kg and some odd ounces when I started Curves a few years ago - I was probably at my heaviest then, so 30 kgs down is something to celebrate.  Which means I am about 22 kgs down from when I started this journey in December.

Strangely though, I still see the fat girl in the mirror, and of course I am still classed at obese, and even at my goal weight of 76kgs I will be overweight by the BMI.  But that fat woman, is still there when I honestly look at myself.   Those who have known me for a while can see the difference, but I still struggle.

I think it is partly because I am now wearing smaller clothes, I'm down from a 24-26 to a 20 and from XL to M, so adjusting the clothes means they fit rather than swallow me, if that makes sense.

The other day I put on one of the my old outfits and took it straight off again as it overwhelmed me.

But then, I also tried on an outfit the other day before we went out and hubby was so complimentary I took it off - I know strange.  But we were going to my bosses house and I knew there would be people there who hadn't seem me for a while and I didn't want the whole - WOW look at you experience.   I really don't like drawing attention to the fact I am shrinking, or the feeling that when I was bigger I was invisible and now I'm not.  Didn't help though, as I still got a lot of people congratulating me or commenting on how much weight I had lost.

I mean it's not that I am not happy to talk about my weight loss surgery, in fact I want to shout it to the world, but I am quite an introverted person, I like to blend in and not be the centre of attention.

I was talking to my eldest daughter today about how the fat girl is still there in my head and she quite rightly told me that she had been there for so long that I probably will take a while to lose her.  How did she get so smart??

I did have an Ah Ha moment though.  Hubby and I went to Ovo (an amazing experience) and about half way through the show I suddenly realised I wasn't huddled against hubby, but that I had space and that my butt was sitting comfortably on the seat.  We have seen all the shows and I must say the seats are not generous and I always sit really close to hubby (luckily he has a skinny butt) so that I don't encroach on the person next to me.  This time I didn't have to do that, I was comfortably sitting on my seat and he was on his.  When I mentioned that to him, he said he missed me snuggling, but was thrilled that I was so happy with this Ah Ha moment.

I have even gone and bought some new bras (much smaller) and didn't feel anywhere near as uncomfortable when the fitter came in to check the bra was the right size.  I always used to hate that in the past, but suddenly I felt more comfortable.

I still have a long way to go and it is getting harder.  I lost 18 kgs from when I started the VLCD to six weeks post surgery and only another 4 kgs in the eight weeks since.  Not being able to exercise with this bloody knee and lower back is an issue which is not helping, but as long as I am moving down I can't let myself get discouraged.

Hopefully I will continue to have some Ah Ha moments to help me on my way and before I know it the fat girl will be gone, replaced by a nicely rounded woman, full of vitality and life.  I'm kind of looking forward to getting to know her.

Thanks for popping by xxxx

Speaking Too Soon

The Universe has a way of teaching us lessons, sometimes ones we already know, so it is a gentle reminder sometimes it is a big kick up the butt.  Not sure what category this one falls into but my butt is kind of sore!!!

My last post was about Should I Brag, where I told the blogosphere about how well I was doing with my weight loss.

Last weekend's weigh in bought me down to earth, I put on 500gms.  Seriously, it threw me for a loop. I had changed nothing in my diet except having a very small piece of birthday cake about 10 days before to celebrate with one of my work colleagues.

So were my concerns about me not being an over-eater prior to surgery now coming true, is this surgery mainly for people who constantly over-eat?  I don't have an answer to that, but I have had a crap week, beating myself up about it all.

The dietitian said not to worry it happens sometimes, but this early in the recovery?

John, my psychologist, said move on, let it be, there are always bumps in the road.  Which is true, but it has been a huge wake up call.

Here I was tootling along the highway of weight loss, thinking I was gathering speed, after all I was told by Dr C that I was ahead of the game, just a few days before the weight gain.

So Universe, I've got the message, take nothing for granted, keep your eyes on the goal and work harder.

I am pleased to say this morning's weigh in sees me almost back to where I was a fortnight ago, so hopefully the numbers will keep slowly going down.

The bad thing is, I just wanted chocolate to drown my sorrows in.  The good thing is, I didn't buy any.

Has the Universe been talking to you lately?  Hopefully if it has it has been in a positive way.

Have a great week ahead and thanks for popping by xxx

Is It Okay To Brag?

I sort of feel a little awkward writing this post, but I do want to keep people up to date with my progress in my weight loss, maybe it will inspire someone else to take the plunge and have surgery if they need it.

Yesterday I went and had my six week check up and Dr C confirmed I have lost 18kgs, he also said I was ahead of the game as I have lost 35% of my excess weight already and most people take a lot longer to get to that point.  Oh and I am now officially only obese, no longer morbidly obese.

Then I saw the exercise coordinator who re-measured me before giving me some light exercises to do, given my arthritis there will be no running or the like, but plenty of upper body exercises.

Now the thing that blew me away was how many cms I have lost, why does it blow me away?  Well when I look in the mirror I still see the 'fat' me, because really I am still 'fat' - after all obese is not skinny in any way shape or form.  Sure I see my face is thinner, and I know my arms and legs are as I can see that.  Partly because my arms are getting really 'flappy' - sigh.  But I can deal with that.

So when she measured me I was not expecting to have lost 9cms off my waist and a huge 15cms off my hips!!  I just can see it.  Sure I am now wearing a size 20 top instead of a 24 or 26, but my brain just doesn't realise that what it sees is still large, but a smaller large than it was.

So I feel I need to write it down so that I actually start to believe that the weight is disappearing, not just on the scales but off my body as well.

I may even be brave enough soon to post photos - no promises though.

Thanks for popping by xxx

Tales from the Saggy Baggy Elephant

Well it has now been six weeks since my surgery, all is going exceptionally well.  I am on normal food, very small quantities of normal food, but normal food none the less.  A few things don't seem to sit well in my stomach and so they have been eliminated from my diet.  I am still struggling to drink enough water as that just doesn't sit in my stomach without feeling weird.  Apparently it is quite common, but one of the things I need to preserve with.  I am supposed to drink 1.5 litres of water a day, at the moment I am struggling to drink half that.  Milk and juice are fine, although I no longer seem to enjoy a cup of tea like I did before which is a shame.

I am happy to report I am now weigh less than 100 kgs, 99.5 as of my weigh in yesterday morning, so that is just over 17 kgs since I started this journey in mid December and nearly 11 kgs since the surgery itself.

The weight loss is most noticeable in my face and in the saggy baggy skin that is forming on my thighs, upper arms and stomach.  I have always had excess skin left on my lower tummy from having 4 very large babies and lots of stretch marks.  Now it looks like saggy baggy elephant skin.  Even my calves and lower arms seem to have more loose skin than they used to.

I know that I will be having surgery to have a tummy tuck and the like, but I'm thinking I will need some on my thighs and upper arms as well, still we will see.  This is all at least 12 months in the future, so until then I will just have to focus on the health benefits of this weight loss and not the fact lots of me can swing in the breeze.

I am already off one of my blood pressure medications and down to just 2 tablets a day for the Diabetes.  My surgeon had hoped I would be taken off those, but after my recent visit to the Diabetes Professor  it seems I will remain on them for a least a while longer.  They wont give me a hypo and there is research that shows that Metformin can help reduce the risk of heart disease and cancer in people who are insulin resistant.  They are not a big deal to take each day, although having them with a meal is sometimes a struggle as I am not supposed to drink and eat at the same time. Breakfast never seems to be as much of a problem as the one with the evening meal, so I am now taking it during the meal rather than after, and that seems to be helping.

Talking about evening meals, those are the ones that seem to be the hardest to eat as well.  At this stage I should be able to eat 1 cup of food, and yet often I have to throw away at least half of that as I am too full.  The couple of times I have continued to eat I have paid for it, severe pain and the feeling that my food is sitting above my stomach.  Still it is a learning curve and I have not had to vomit.  I just walk around for a few minutes and it all seems to work its way down, and really only 2 occasions in six weeks is not bad going.

My meals are still mainly protein based, just I am adding veggies and carbs a little at a time.  The goal is to eat the protein first and then the others last.  I have to take a vitamin table every day to compensate for the lack of greens etc, and I do miss veggies, but the small amounts I have taste yummy and are little sweet treats in my meal.

Mentally I am doing really well, I had a little bit of doubt about getting below the 100kg mark, it seemed something that I couldn't do, but it just happened and now I am here I can only see the way forward.

I will try and get back into the blogging mode as there is lots to tell, but my mind just hasn't been here at all.

Thanks for popping by, I hope you have a wonderful week wherever you are xxx

The Eagle Has Landed

Just a quick note to let you know I am now home and doing well.  I will update a bit more in the next day or two.

Thanks so much for all your support and healing wishes and prayers, they certainly helped me through a speedy transition to no pain (or very little) and being able to tolerate my nourishing fluids.

Thanks for popping by xxx

Houston, we are at 48 hours and counting

Image

That's right by this time in 48 hours, I will have had my surgery, well hopefully I will have!!

The Dr dropped this beauty on Monday, maybe I won't have surgery, it could get cancelled and I wont know until I get to the hospital on Friday morning!!

So ramp up my anxiety levels, just a little higher, why not I ask??

Apparently because of my co-morbidity factors, high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes, I need to go to ICU after recovery, for a minimum of 12 hours.  So, it seems that even though there is a bed in ICU booked for me, if someone else has some sort of emergency post op, or heart attack or the like, they can take my bed (and rightfully so but I will still be pissed off).

If this happens, well apparently I get fitted in some time later, who knows when ... a week, 2 weeks, a month???

So, I have been trying to put that aside and just focus on the fact that surgery will happen some time Friday afternoon.  I have to be in at the hospital at 10, I can have breakfast in the morning and not eat or drink after 8 am, so I imagine I'm later in the afternoon rather than straight after lunch.  Or maybe a protein bar and a cup of tea doesn't take that long to digest.

The Dr is pleased as I have lost 6 kgs now (and according to my scales this morning maybe 7kg) on the VLCD.

I am almost off my insulin, only need to take it about once a week and at minimum dose.  I have dropped 1 Diamicron and 1 Metformin tablet a day and seem to be having almost 'normal' levels when I do the fasting test in the morning and the pre-bed test at night.

Which raises the question, why the hell is that happening.  It is not the 6kg weight loss, it actually started the day I started the VLCD, in fact I had a mega hypo that afternoon as I took 2 diamicron that morning and the normal dose of insulin the night before.  In fact, I lost 12 kgs last year and I am only back to that level now and I certainly didn't have any reduction in BG with that weight loss.

It leaves me asking the question, does Diabetes Australian really know what they are talking about with regard to Type 2 Diabetes.  There mantra is not much protein, lots of green vegetables and a small but consistent amount of carbs (Low GI ones).  This diet is high protein, lots of green vegetables (no starchy ones) and NO carbs.  That's right NONE.  Which should be rights give me high BG levels.

Does this mean I really am a square peg in a round hole??  In fact, the Dr was blown away when I told him, made him go from we can get you off insulin post surgery but not into remission, to saying, well maybe remission is a possibility for me.  Not hanging onto that, but wouldn't that be fantastic if that was the case.  I had set my goal as off insulin and done to just Metformin, and I will still be happy with that, but this raises the question, can I do it, and if I can, how long will it last before/if my BG levels start to go up.  I would love it if the answer was they stay down forever, but I am just not sure that if you have got to insulin dependence once, that you don't gradually work your way back there again because you have intrinsically broken something.

So if you pray, I would appreciate your prayers, and if you don't - you healing thoughts and wishes would also be lovely ... I am going to imagine myself wrapped in healing light and love, to give me the courage to take this step ... one huge step, for me, for weight loss and for the future.  I was going to do the whole Neil Armstrong quote, but thought that might be a tad tacky - lol.

Thanks for popping by xxx