Tales from the Saggy Baggy Elephant

Well it has now been six weeks since my surgery, all is going exceptionally well.  I am on normal food, very small quantities of normal food, but normal food none the less.  A few things don't seem to sit well in my stomach and so they have been eliminated from my diet.  I am still struggling to drink enough water as that just doesn't sit in my stomach without feeling weird.  Apparently it is quite common, but one of the things I need to preserve with.  I am supposed to drink 1.5 litres of water a day, at the moment I am struggling to drink half that.  Milk and juice are fine, although I no longer seem to enjoy a cup of tea like I did before which is a shame.

I am happy to report I am now weigh less than 100 kgs, 99.5 as of my weigh in yesterday morning, so that is just over 17 kgs since I started this journey in mid December and nearly 11 kgs since the surgery itself.

The weight loss is most noticeable in my face and in the saggy baggy skin that is forming on my thighs, upper arms and stomach.  I have always had excess skin left on my lower tummy from having 4 very large babies and lots of stretch marks.  Now it looks like saggy baggy elephant skin.  Even my calves and lower arms seem to have more loose skin than they used to.

I know that I will be having surgery to have a tummy tuck and the like, but I'm thinking I will need some on my thighs and upper arms as well, still we will see.  This is all at least 12 months in the future, so until then I will just have to focus on the health benefits of this weight loss and not the fact lots of me can swing in the breeze.

I am already off one of my blood pressure medications and down to just 2 tablets a day for the Diabetes.  My surgeon had hoped I would be taken off those, but after my recent visit to the Diabetes Professor  it seems I will remain on them for a least a while longer.  They wont give me a hypo and there is research that shows that Metformin can help reduce the risk of heart disease and cancer in people who are insulin resistant.  They are not a big deal to take each day, although having them with a meal is sometimes a struggle as I am not supposed to drink and eat at the same time. Breakfast never seems to be as much of a problem as the one with the evening meal, so I am now taking it during the meal rather than after, and that seems to be helping.

Talking about evening meals, those are the ones that seem to be the hardest to eat as well.  At this stage I should be able to eat 1 cup of food, and yet often I have to throw away at least half of that as I am too full.  The couple of times I have continued to eat I have paid for it, severe pain and the feeling that my food is sitting above my stomach.  Still it is a learning curve and I have not had to vomit.  I just walk around for a few minutes and it all seems to work its way down, and really only 2 occasions in six weeks is not bad going.

My meals are still mainly protein based, just I am adding veggies and carbs a little at a time.  The goal is to eat the protein first and then the others last.  I have to take a vitamin table every day to compensate for the lack of greens etc, and I do miss veggies, but the small amounts I have taste yummy and are little sweet treats in my meal.

Mentally I am doing really well, I had a little bit of doubt about getting below the 100kg mark, it seemed something that I couldn't do, but it just happened and now I am here I can only see the way forward.

I will try and get back into the blogging mode as there is lots to tell, but my mind just hasn't been here at all.

Thanks for popping by, I hope you have a wonderful week wherever you are xxx

Time for an Update, Some Truth and Maybe a Little Happiness

NEVER BEFORE IN MY LIFE have I let people know my true weight, not even my hubby knew.  Of course my doctors did (all of them), my dietitian did, but scales were never part of my household and so it was only occasionally at the doctors that I actually found out my weight.

I know that back in 1996 when I had surgery I weighed 121kg and I know that prior to losing the weight on the Arava (side effect not taken for weight loss) I weighed 122kg.   I also know that I was probably up around 125kg at my heaviest.

So there, it is now out there.  

When I first went to Dr Cohen (Mercy Bariatrics) I was on the way back up from my lowest point of 109.8kg (after going off the Arava), I was at 116.9kg.  Three weeks later prior to starting the VLCD I was 117.2kg.  So still steadily going up.

You see, I have weighed between 120-125kg for about 30 years, I would lose as much as 5kg through dedicated long term effort (exercise or diet or both) then slowly it would go back up to around the same.  It seems that was where my body was happy.  Of course the side effects were high blood pressure (on 2 medications for that) and a worsening group of arthritis and back symptoms and of course Type 2 Diabetes.  So while my body was happy, it wasn't really.

Like most people, I don't always eat well or make the best choices, but I do believe portion control rather than eating the wrong type of food has been my downfall.  Even when on the Low GI diet, I did not lose weight, and it only marginally made my BG levels better.

Now in past posts I railed against my Diabetes Specialist for even suggesting I have bariatric surgery, now I want to hug him.

12 days post op I now weigh 104.5kg (I was 110.4kgs on the morning of my operation).  I can't remember the last time I weigh this little (yes I know it is not that little in the scheme of things).

I am 169-170cm in height (depends on the person measuring me) and so I was morbidly obese before I started this journey.

I had a 50/50 chance of having a stroke or heart attack within the next 5 years, not great odds.  I am working hard to lessen those, taking the drastic step of having 2/3 of my stomach removed is drastic, it is not the 'easy way out' as there is nothing easy about this.  

But I think I am the happiest I have been in years.  Today I put on a size 20 top and it fit, I bought it online and it got delivered today, I thought it would be weeks before I would be able to fit into it and look good (I was wearing 24/26 pre surgery).  But it looks great on and the smile on my face is huge.

I still have a long way to go, as my doctor wants me down at 76kgs, while I will be happy to get to 85, but just maybe I can get there.

My BMI has already dropped from 41 to 36.4, so still morbidly obese, but almost down to just obese.  Small victories and small steps.

I have also rocked this surgery and already am back on semi solid foods, yesterday I had a very soft poached egg and it was so good after weeks of the VLCD and then post surgery of fluids.

Today I had some baked beans for breakfast, a small tin of tuna for lunch and for dinner a small serve of poached fish.  I am appreciating food so much more, given that I will never be able to eat more than 1 cup of food when I am back to full diet, but it is worth it.  Sure there are the daily mult-vitamins to compensate for the lack of fruit and vegies but a small sacrifice.

I just can't stop smiling.

Oh and my Blood Glucose is almost normal and I have an appointment with my specialist at the end of February to see if I can get off all meds, at the moment I am only on 500gms of Metformin after breakfast and after dinner.  I will hopefully be off my blood pressure meds too some time in the future.

I will be able to get on the floor again to play with my grandkids, I won't be so embarrassed at the swimming pool, I will be able to fly without worrying about who is sitting next to me - and hopefully will one day be able to put the tray table down and not have it rest on my tummy.

New life here I come.  Thanks so much to my family and work colleagues and friends, who have been so supportive, who are so caring and in my corner for this journey.

Thanks for popping by xxx

Houston, we are at 48 hours and counting

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That's right by this time in 48 hours, I will have had my surgery, well hopefully I will have!!

The Dr dropped this beauty on Monday, maybe I won't have surgery, it could get cancelled and I wont know until I get to the hospital on Friday morning!!

So ramp up my anxiety levels, just a little higher, why not I ask??

Apparently because of my co-morbidity factors, high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes, I need to go to ICU after recovery, for a minimum of 12 hours.  So, it seems that even though there is a bed in ICU booked for me, if someone else has some sort of emergency post op, or heart attack or the like, they can take my bed (and rightfully so but I will still be pissed off).

If this happens, well apparently I get fitted in some time later, who knows when ... a week, 2 weeks, a month???

So, I have been trying to put that aside and just focus on the fact that surgery will happen some time Friday afternoon.  I have to be in at the hospital at 10, I can have breakfast in the morning and not eat or drink after 8 am, so I imagine I'm later in the afternoon rather than straight after lunch.  Or maybe a protein bar and a cup of tea doesn't take that long to digest.

The Dr is pleased as I have lost 6 kgs now (and according to my scales this morning maybe 7kg) on the VLCD.

I am almost off my insulin, only need to take it about once a week and at minimum dose.  I have dropped 1 Diamicron and 1 Metformin tablet a day and seem to be having almost 'normal' levels when I do the fasting test in the morning and the pre-bed test at night.

Which raises the question, why the hell is that happening.  It is not the 6kg weight loss, it actually started the day I started the VLCD, in fact I had a mega hypo that afternoon as I took 2 diamicron that morning and the normal dose of insulin the night before.  In fact, I lost 12 kgs last year and I am only back to that level now and I certainly didn't have any reduction in BG with that weight loss.

It leaves me asking the question, does Diabetes Australian really know what they are talking about with regard to Type 2 Diabetes.  There mantra is not much protein, lots of green vegetables and a small but consistent amount of carbs (Low GI ones).  This diet is high protein, lots of green vegetables (no starchy ones) and NO carbs.  That's right NONE.  Which should be rights give me high BG levels.

Does this mean I really am a square peg in a round hole??  In fact, the Dr was blown away when I told him, made him go from we can get you off insulin post surgery but not into remission, to saying, well maybe remission is a possibility for me.  Not hanging onto that, but wouldn't that be fantastic if that was the case.  I had set my goal as off insulin and done to just Metformin, and I will still be happy with that, but this raises the question, can I do it, and if I can, how long will it last before/if my BG levels start to go up.  I would love it if the answer was they stay down forever, but I am just not sure that if you have got to insulin dependence once, that you don't gradually work your way back there again because you have intrinsically broken something.

So if you pray, I would appreciate your prayers, and if you don't - you healing thoughts and wishes would also be lovely ... I am going to imagine myself wrapped in healing light and love, to give me the courage to take this step ... one huge step, for me, for weight loss and for the future.  I was going to do the whole Neil Armstrong quote, but thought that might be a tad tacky - lol.

Thanks for popping by xxx

2013 The Way Forward

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December of 2012 has bought me to a decision point, I can continue struggling with my weight, with my diabetes and with my pain or take some drastic action.

I know I ranted against my Diabetes specialist when he dared to suggest I consider lap banding or a gastric sleeve to help me lose weight.  I still believe he saw the disease and not the person, but he did me a favour.  He made me stop and think, to go and find out more.

So on the 18th January 2013 I will be having gastric sleeve surgery.  It has not been an easy decision, but after I meet with the surgeon and his team of support staff (dietitians, exercise phsyiologists and baritiac assessors) and I heard what they had to say.  After I watched a DVD of past recipients of the surgery, after I heard them acknowledge that they are sure I am eating the right food most of the time, but I am eating too much for me, for my metabolism - I stopped and though hard.  I am morbidly obese, 41 on the scale, given my height and age.

I am currently nearly 2 weeks into a VLCD to try and shed some fat out of my liver, which I now know is enlarged.  I need to lose 5kgs to start that happening, I am now down about 4kg with 2-3 weeks still left.

I chose to have the gastric sleeve rather than the lap band, partly on the advice of the surgeon, but mostly because I know of 3 people who have had lap bands who constantly struggle with regurgitating food back.  I don't vomit, and on the couple of times I have, my body goes into shock.  So regurgitation is not something I am putting my hand up for.  Apart from that, each and every one of them struggles to eat meat and bread.  Each of them has stopped going back to have the fill ups that are needed to keep the band tight, each of them has put back on some of the weight they originally lost.

Gastric sleeve surgery eliminates the need to fluid top ups, it enables you to eat a varied diet, your stomach works in the normal way, there is just a lot less stomach and so you eat 3 very small meals a day.

Sure there are some big draw backs, I can only drink very small amounts of fluid before I fill up and it comes back up - yuck.  I need to sip water often as I can't easily rehydrate if I haven't kept my fluid levels up.

There are bigger surgical risks too, they basically cut away 2/3 of your stomach using staples and a cutting thingy (like my technical terms?) and you can leak stomach fluid and become seriously ill and end up in intensive care, or you can suffer a major bleed and have to go back into surgery.  Lap banding has very minor risks.

The reality though, is I could be dead in 5 years of heart attach or stroke, I have a 50/50 chance of that happening, I have a 1/2000 chance of surgery complications.   That is not to mention all the complications like gangrene and going blind that uncontrolled diabetes bring to the game.  That is not to mention the fact that no doctor will replace my knee while I weigh this much.

So 2013 is The Way Forward year, the year I take back control, the year I lose up to 80% of my excess weight - that's like 40kgs people, even saying that out loud is scary.

One bonus of being on the VLCD is that I already have had to cut down my diabetes meds, my BG readings are so good that I just can't believe it.  Did I tell you that I might end up on just 1 tablet, or even if the Universe is smiling - no medication for my diabetes.  Not to mention dropping my blood pressure tablets, my pain meds, and all sort of other benefits.

So 2013 is my oyster and I am making sure that I end up with a PEARL.  Thanks to my hubby and all my family and work colleagues who have already been so supportive, who have not judged me or seen this as the easy way out, but have been there cheering me on.

Happy New Year to all who drop by here to read and comment, I hope 2013 is the best for you too, I have so much appreciated your friendships, your comments and reading your blogs through 2012.

Oh and Beth - your turn, go!!

The WEIGHT, oh the WEIGHT

You know that crushing weight, the weight of other people's expectations, the weight of your own, the weight of work deadlines, the weight of dealing with other people's agendas, the weight of pain, the weight of dealing with a chronic illness or two.

Well right about now I am feeling CRUSHED by all that weight.

Apparently though, I have a way out.

It is okay to tell people NO (albeit in a nice way).

It is okay to tell people you will not get caught up in their bullshit.

It is okay for me to put myself first, if not all the time at least some of the time.

It is okay to be pissed off with the Universe, even though there are others dealing with bigger issues than me.

It is okay to unload right here on my blog.

It's okay because John (my psychologist) told me it is okay, and you know what, I think he is right.  It's time I broke the mould I have been living in all my life because it has been unhealthy for me mentally.

DO YOU HEAR THAT UNIVERSE???

From now on there will be a feistier, stand up for myself type of personality here, you better get used to it!!!

And just in case that was a little scary, know that I love all my cyber friends that come to visit, you make my days way more bearable.

Thanks for popping by xxx

The Launch of ...

I've decided to share my diabetes journey on a new blog, in an attempt to help me come to terms with the disease.  Not sure that it will work, but I've got to try something, and I think that writing about it will help - surprise that the psychologist could be right about that - hey?

I find it hard to write with a pen anymore, arthritis and all that, so typing is much easier.

I will try and journal daily, and the first few will be put together from what I have already hand written.

LIGHTNESS OF BEING OR MAYBE THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON

So, in an attempt to overcome my needle phobia and come to terms with dealing with that and the whole D2 bullsh** I went to a psychologist the other day.

Once I got over the whole, oh my God he is a parody of what anyone would think a psychologist should look like, picture longish greying hair, goatee, black turtleneck skivvy under jacket (thankfully no leather patches on the elbows), 6 silver bangles on one wrist, earring in one ear and a bust of someone (Freud??) on his filing cabinet, he turned out to be an okay sort of guy and we had a meaningful discussion.



Although he started it by asking me to choose somewhere to sit while he popped out to the loo.  So I did the whole, oh crap does that mean something, like if I choose the wrong chair it means I am a psychopath, or should I lie down on the chesterfield leather couch dilemma, I chose the yellow wing chair as it looked comfortable.

So one of the things he has asked me to do is to journal how I feel just prior to giving myself my injection so I can bring it back to him so he can understand and help me understand what exactly is going on.  Sure no worries, except, what if I get it wrong??  But then, is there a right or wrong, it is not a test, or is it?  Sure no worries, but how do you put down in words things I find hard to explain to myself.

Maybe sharing it here is the wrong thing, but somehow cyberspace seems to listen and it helps me to know that someone is listening, even if they don't comment, in fact comments can be over-rated and sometimes I get anxious wondering what people will say or really think.

I know that I won't write it all here, I don't want to over share, or to bore the pants of people who pop over to read.  But today, I seem to need to share what I wrote, I certainly am not looking for sympathy or comments, I am just putting it out into the Universe.





My first entry ....

Crap, who thought this would help?  I have no idea what to write, I really don't want to think about this, it is hard enough to just do it every day.  Where to start, I don't know how I really feel, so I hope this is okay ...  the best I can do is make this a story, I can talk through stories.


I sit here staring at my stomach, crisscrossed by a network of silver stretchmarks, the reminders of the four children this body has nurtured.  I stare at the bruises and the red irritation marks left by the hundreds of injections before, and yes it must be hundreds as I am on my third pack on needles and they come in packs of 100.  


I try and find a place that is not too close to the place I used this morning.  


I can feel myself getting tense, I can feel myself getting frustrated, and then the tears start to fall.  


It all seems so hard, so overwhelming, so out of control.  


Will it hurt this time?  Sometimes it just hurts to push the needle in and the rest is okay.  Sometimes the needle goes in with no issues and then it hurts as the fluid seeps under my skin.  Sometimes the needle and injecting are fine and then it hurts as I take the needle out.  Then there are the times it stings when it is all finished.  Or will tonight be one of the few nights that nothing hurts?  I am blessed that sometimes it is painless and I can breathe more easily.  It is the not knowing how this will be this time that makes me tense.


But I know I can do this, I have to do this, and so I will.


p.s. Tonight it hurt going in and stung afterwards

Head Space

Do you have those days, weeks, months - the ones when your head space is clouded and dull, where everything seems too much trouble.  There are bright spots, like my massage and lunch with Amy (the best hands in Australia), cuddles and talking with my grandkids, sunshiny winter days - but mostly it is just overwhelmingly negative in my head at the moment.

Not depressed as such, but just too much to deal with, and the frustrations of trying to make things better only to be thwarted by doctors being on holidays or appointments booking into 2013.

I am not naturally a pessimistic person, always glass half full, but lately I keep getting smacked in the face by things that don't seem to be getting any better.

Take the D2, new medication - has made little to no difference.  Take the needle phobia - 3 months or more of injecting myself twice a day has not make it go away.  In fact, it is really doing my head in.  I just feel numb, so while I managed to stick that needle in, and push the injector button, I feel that each time I do a little bit of me dies.  Weird hey?  So I ask my D2 nurse if there is a support group, people going through the same crap that maybe I can join.  Seems not.  So I ask my doctor about seeing someone, sure she refers me, then he is on leave for all of this month, so who knows when I will get an appointment?  And yes, Mum, I know I can talk to you, but I don't want to, I need this to be my journey - hopefully you understand that and don't get offended.

So I am not looking forward to my visit with the D2 specialist in a couple of weeks, I know he won't be happy and that he also won't understand - after all, while he is a specialist - he doesn't suffer with D2 or have needle phobia.

Then there is the pain in my back, leg, knee and foot - all caused by the nerve in my back.  So I get a referral to a specialist - seems he can't see me until Jan 2013 - right that's a lot of help.  And I have private health, so this is not a hospital waiting list!!!.  So back to my doctors and I get a list of 4 other guys who might have shorter lists, well one has retired and two are December at the earliest.  But yippee I managed to get the 28th September - what???  That's right I am happy about an appointment months away.  Still, I need something to happen, walking around the shops today, I managed 20 minutes before I was in agony and heading back to my car.

Then there is the 12 kilos I lost because of my arthritis medication giving me diarrhoea most days, now I am off the meds, the weight is going back on.  Of course it is.  Then I hear on the radio that I need to walk briskly for an hour a day, 5 days a week.  Right, that's going to happen when I can only manage 20 slowly at the shopping centre.  Still, I am going to the gym tomorrow to see about joining.  How many hours on the weights do you think I will need to do - I hate to think, but I have to give something a try for if I go on insulin I will put weight on.

I think a lot of my issue is that I normally don't really think about myself, my focus has always been outwards - looking after every one else first and I have got into the habit of ignoring myself.  The D2 has been lurking in the background for years, I knew it was coming, I tried to avoid it, but I didn't try hard enough - it was too easy to ignore the warnings, too easy to think it would be years coming.  There were too many days of saying tomorrow, I will deal with it tomorrow.  Well you know that tomorrow never comes.

I don't know why I struggle to put myself first, but I do.  I'm not saying I am not selfish in some ways, heaps of ways even.  But it has always been easier to not think about me, it seems strange to even say that and I am not sure that anyone else would understand.

So now when I have to put myself first, well, it just seems so dammed hard, and I am so tired - emotionally, physically and mentally.  As try as I might, I just can't seem to get my head into the space it needs to be.  I even said to my Mum that maybe I just won't try, maybe it was easier to just keep ignoring until the end.  But I know the end with D2 is not pretty, but I just don't know that I can keep doing this for another 20 years, not sure I can even do it until the end of this year.

Then there is the self sabotage, suddenly I am craving all the things I am not allowed to eat, and every now and then, and some time way to often, I allow myself to indulge.  God, I am an intelligent woman - what's going on???

So excuse the indulgence of this post, I am just putting it out there in the Universe, not looking for sympathy, and not really feeling sorry for myself either, just tired, really, really tired of the crap.

Just some Sunday sentences

Washing day in this part of the world, light sprinkling rain means some will go in the dryer and some under the patio to dry.  I love it when you have sunny showers, even if it means I have to use the dryer and I don't particularly like my clothes dried that way.  So only undies and socks will be popped in there today.

Hubby's preparing for a colonoscopy tomorrow, so I feel a little guilty having lovely fresh sliced tomatoes with sea salt and cracked black pepper on lightly toasted multi-grain bread for breakfast while he has black coffee.  He doesn't seem to mind too much though.

My D2 readings are still all over the place, but definitely getting more 'good' than 'bad' in the ratio so hopefully heading back into the normal range at some time.  Still struggling with the whole giving myself injections and regular blood glucose testing, but I'm doing it even though it is doing my head in, so just taking one day at a time.

A little worried about travelling at the end of the month for work as it will be the first time I have flown and needed to take my injection pen and needles with me.  Got to make sure it stays in the right temperature zone so off this afternoon to look online for a pen travel kit.  Luckily I only have to inject before breakfast and dinner so won't have to worry about taking it on the road for the field trip driving around Broome to look at the conservation parks.

The 'black dog' has been nipping at my hubby's heels again lately, mainly seems related to work issues, but it still worries me.  Yesterday he took longer than normal when he went shopping and I really started to fret about where he was and was he coming back - silly I know, but I know things are weighing on his mind, things I can't control.

Got sent this gorgeous photo of my littlest grand-daughter being serenaded by her big sister.  Big sister is still besotted by her baby and is coping well with the transition from being an only child to sharing her parents and grandparents and the rest of her extended family with the new addition.   I just know she is going to make the best big sister ever.

So life goes on, pretty much as usual, with the ups and downs and ebb and flow of the days rolling into each other.

Hope you are having an awesome Sunday in your neck of the woods, will be popping off now to read some blogs and maybe leave a comment or two myself.  xxx

An Example of Why I Struggle to Understand

Last night both hubby and I were tired, really, really tired. He had not taken anything out for dinner, came home from taking the cat to the vet and well, we had nothing easy for tea. So we guiltily decided to have chicken and chips (me with gravy) from the local Chicken Treat.

I was dreading the reading 2 hours after tea, it would be high, I just knew it would. Well, guess what? It was the lowest reading I have had since taking my BG in the last six weeks!!! So then I thought, I must have a high this morning when waking to make up for that low. No, that was also the lowest I have had in the last six weeks.

So you see what I mean about doing my head in. There are nights when I have had the lowest GI meal, made from low GI cookbooks and I have had a super, super high BG reading.

It really truly does my head in, in a BIG way.

Dealing with a new life full of little pricks

For a needle phobic, my new life of twice daily injections is hard. There is only so much self talk that one can do without going slightly insane. There are days when I truly wish I could walk away from my new life full of little pricks.

I prick my finger when I first get up, and then try not to stress too much about the reading. I then go and inject myself and have to wait until I can have my breakfast, for unlike insulin, Byetta needs to be injected about 1 hour from your meal, but no longer than an 1 before. So my daily morning routine of getting up, having breakfast, then showering and leaving for work has needed to be adjusted.

Then I have the issue of getting home in time to inject with enough time before the evening meal. I am certainly not used to having this much restriction on my life. Then I have to remember to prick my finger 2 hours after the meal - again trying not to stress about just how high that reading might be.

My drug needs to stay refrigerated, so the whole going out to breakfast or dinner, and taking the drug either with me or getting to and eating within the 1 hour limit, is just too much to deal with at the moment. So does this mean no life outside of home for me? I know it doesn't, but it sure feels like that, right about now.

I am trying to stay as positive as I can, and the truth is, I need to deal one day at a time, for when I think of another 20-30 years of this, I think I would rather just kill myself now. Not trying to be dramatic here, but it truly is doing my head in.

My Mum, bless her heart, goes through the same thing - although she has only just started with insulin injections and at present she only has to inject before bed, but she is 80 and wasn't diagnosed with D2 until in her mid 60s, so while she has dealt the it for around 15 years, my journey could be much, much longer. I know she means well when she tries to boost my spirits, but in truth it only makes my journey down this path harder. I have seen the strain that trying to do the right thing all the time diet wise has done to her, and she is lucky (probably not the right word) that my step father was also diagnosed with D2 about six month after her. So she has someone along on her journey that truly understands.

My hubby is trying really hard, God bless him, but he really doesn't get it at all.

So yes, this is a little bit of a pity party post, sorry I try not to do them too often. And yes, I know it could be worse, and their are others out there, including children, dealing with other much more life threatening and gut wrenching diseases ... but right now I sort of don't really care what any one else is dealing with, but I am sure tomorrow, I will be able to put it all back in perspective. So excuse me for the indulgence, but sometimes it is easier to write it than hold it in.

The only bright point, is that the new drug does seem to be bringing my readings down, sometimes even close to normal - silver lining in dark cloud - I hope so.

Down the Rabbit Hole

And she fell down the rabbit hole, tumbling over and over again until she landed in a heap at the bottom. And what did she find there? Not a magical land, not potions to make her big or small. She found reality. Her reality, the one she had denied for so long. Here it was, ready to hit her with a big stick and still she couldn't look it in the eye.

She felt lost, so lost, she knew not where to look, for she could not face her reality, the one with a D and 2 in it.

How had she got here, well she really knew the answer to that one. It wasn't following a white rabbit, it wasn't falling down a rabbit hole. It was the fact that she had not dealt with it right back at the beginning, denial is a wonderful thing ... until it bites you in the bum.

Not only had she denied it to herself, but it seems her hubby as well, and while she is busily trying to get with the program now, he is still in denial, still killing her with kindness, still denying that this bloody disease is a killer, it maims and it makes your life miserable.

Alice's only light was that at least she only had to deal with it now, at nearly 57, and not from a young age when there is a D and a 1 involved.

She would somehow find the courage, find the strength to fight the fight, but this day, right now ... she couldn't face the reality of what is to come. But tomorrow, she needs to put on her armour and look her reality right in the face, for she will be learning how to use a potion, with a needle attached, to try and bring her back to health.

But does she had the strength to do it day after day ... only time will tell.