The WEIGHT, oh the WEIGHT

You know that crushing weight, the weight of other people's expectations, the weight of your own, the weight of work deadlines, the weight of dealing with other people's agendas, the weight of pain, the weight of dealing with a chronic illness or two.

Well right about now I am feeling CRUSHED by all that weight.

Apparently though, I have a way out.

It is okay to tell people NO (albeit in a nice way).

It is okay to tell people you will not get caught up in their bullshit.

It is okay for me to put myself first, if not all the time at least some of the time.

It is okay to be pissed off with the Universe, even though there are others dealing with bigger issues than me.

It is okay to unload right here on my blog.

It's okay because John (my psychologist) told me it is okay, and you know what, I think he is right.  It's time I broke the mould I have been living in all my life because it has been unhealthy for me mentally.

DO YOU HEAR THAT UNIVERSE???

From now on there will be a feistier, stand up for myself type of personality here, you better get used to it!!!

And just in case that was a little scary, know that I love all my cyber friends that come to visit, you make my days way more bearable.

Thanks for popping by xxx

Inspirational Blogging Women

Over the past 12 months I had been following a small number of blogs, sometimes as a listed follower and others just by dropping in from time to time. All of the blogs are written by inspirational women - women I don't know and that I am unlikely to ever meet but inspirational no less.

Recently I was a little freaked out to find someone I didn't know following my blog. Even though I have wondered if anyone would find me, apart from those that I let know about my blog, I actually thought that it would be highly unlikely that this would happen. I didn't know how to feel when I was indeed found, suddenly there seemed to be pressure where once there was none, what was this person's expectations of my blog. So I decided to go visit her blog and what an amazing women I found, I suddenly felt very honored that she was now following me and also realised that the honesty she showed in her blog was one I could show in mine and even though we are 20 years apart in age, some of the health worries she is suffering relate closely to mine. She has inspired me to be stronger and make less excuses in 2009 and so I thank her. The universe really does work in mysterious ways.

So for anyone new to blogging, or for any of my family and friends that follow my blog from time to time - I suggest you take the time to have a look around in the 'blog' world as there are some truly inspirational women out there. Women who are happy to share their innermost feelings, their highs and lows, their worries and struggles, their joy and happiness and a lot of young and not so young mothers who are courageous enough to share their family stories. I am confident you too will find someone to inspire you, someone to admire, someone who's stories will touch your heart - go on be inspired and have a look, what have you got to lose.

And if you haven't got a blog yourself - there is something very liberating to be able to write your thoughts and let the universe decide who will read them.

Sisters To The Rescue

Ah the universe works in mysterious ways and aren't I thankful for that.

Today was not a good day as you would have gathered if you read my post from this morning. But then the universe answered - my sister who I have known since I as 16 rang and we caught up on all the goss which was lovely as we haven't spoken to each other for about 6 weeks.

Then my spiritual sister rang and we got to touch base on lots of stuff and I look forward to seeing her and her delightful man tomorrow night to celebrate the coming of 2009. And this was after a surprise call from my Victorian sister last night.

See what I mean about sisters - they are always here to support you even when you don't necessarily know you need them.

So to the universe thank you and to my sisters thank you for thinking of me today and please know that you are always in my heart whether we speak often or not ... love you xxx

My glass is back to being half full.

Sisters

When I was growing up I always fantasied about having a sister, or maybe even more than one. It didn't matter if they were older or younger. I just always felt that sisters would always be there for me unlike brothers of which I had one.

Maybe it was Little Women that started that train of thought, although it seems to me that I wanted a sister a long time before I read that book. As fate would have it no sisters eventuated and my brother stopped talking to the family nearly 7 years ago.

Recently though I realised that I did indeed have many sisters in my life, some are older, some are younger and none of them are related to me by blood. Now some of these sisters I only see occasionally but it doesn't matter because time makes no difference to sisters. Some of my sisters I work with and once I stop working I may not see them again although some I am sure I will. Each of these sisters is important in my life.

I have one sister I have known since I was 16 - she is the cousin of my first husband and is 5 years older than me - she has always been there for me just as I am for her. We spent a lot of time together when our children were young, less time now we both work, but when we do see each other it's like we have never been apart. She is one of my older sisters and I know I can always count on her to be in my life and to be there through thick or thin. I would like to thank her for being part of my life for so many years and for all the times she has stood by me. She is the sister I would have entrusted my children to if anything had happened to both my husband and myself when the kids were young.

I have another sister who is also 5 years older than me and she is the aunty of my 'now' hubby and yes she is only 5 years older then him as well. Now this sister I didn't have a close relationship with until about 8 years ago, because she lives in Victoria and we live in Perth and we really never got to see each other much until my f-i-l died. She is my fun sister - we have lots of laughs together and I really look forward to spending time with her when we get to Victoria to visit as it is almost like we are on the same wave-length. She was also an amazing help when my m-i-l died and kept us sane through the whole process. She was on a plane over to help just as soon as she could after getting the news and while we cried together we also still had lots of laughs - just what I needed at the time. I would like to thank this sister for all the laughs and for just being herself all the time.

I have a another sister - about 4 years younger than me who is the ex-wife of my hubby's once best friend - that is a story better not mentioned here. This sister has been in my life for over 20 years, but it is really only in the last 8-10 years that we have become close enough to be sisters. She is my spiritual sister, she is the one that knows all things mystical and spiritual and has taught me much over the years I have known her. She is another sister that I don't see every week, but again time makes no difference to our relationship. She also lets me be her big sister - although she has some real ones herself. I would like to thank her for allowing me to give advice and to be a big sister to someone, it is a nice feeling that someone trusts you enough to share their secrets. I would also like to thank her for her continued support of me.

I have another sister who is about 5 years younger than me who is my workmate. We have known each other for over 10 years, but it is only really in the last 18 months since she came to work on our office that our relationship has grown into one of sisterhood. Even though she is younger than me, she is so wise and so in some ways seems like an older sister. I would like to thank her for listening when I need to unload, for her advice and support when tackling the issues we face at work. She is a sister that even when I leave work I will keep in touch with as she, like my other sisters mentioned here are with me for the long journey.

There are also other sisters that won't be mentioned here and maybe that is because they are shorter term sisters - time will tell.

I believe that not achieving my fantasy when I was a child has served me well, after all real life sisters sometime fight and struggle for dominance in a family when they are growing up and it is not until they are adults that they find their places in each others lives.

My sisters are the sisters the universe has given me and for that I am truly thankful.

Grief - Is There A Right Way?

Yesterday was my m-i-l's funeral.  It was a beautiful service, one with quiet dignity that I hope she would have loved.  It is my fondest wish that she is now resting peacefully, safe in the arms of her husband.

I went back to work this afternoon to get ready for a trip tomorrow. Reflecting back on my day I started thinking of how those around us who are not actually involved react.  All my work colleagues have been wonderful and caring and very supportive.  But it was interesting how each one treated me so differently today when I returned.

One held my hand when I went in to see her about what we needed to take to complete our trip together.  Nothing more, nothing less than briefly holding my hand as I sat next to her - but that simple gesture meant so much - I was free to talk about it if I wished, but it was also okay for me to just be there to deal with what needed to be done - there was no pressure to explain all that had occurred but she was there for me if I needed it.  She knew just what I needed - something so simple that meant so much.

The one I share my office with, who was away caring for her own ill mother when my m-i-l died simply stood up and hugged me and told me she missed me - again no pressure but a lovely feeling of shared friendship.

One of the people whom I supervise came in after a while and said she was so sorry and hoped my husband and I were okay - which must have been hard for her as she hasn't worked with me for that long and lost her own mother not so long ago.  Again there was no pressure to tell all.

One pumped me for information, while another said nothing at all.

Then there was my boss - he was concerned about both myself and my husband (he knows him well) but in the course of the conversation he ended up confronting my sensibilities without even realising he had done so.  This has been the way with much of our working relationship, one of over 20 years, so I shouldn't be shocked.  

But he made me realise that I have a concept of how one should deal with one's grief - but that maybe my reality was not that of others.  

To be honest I had never considered that there could be any other way, after all, doesn't one cry, become emotional, maybe even get a little angry before coming to accept that life has been lost - that it has come to its natural end. That we spend time reflecting on what has been lost, that we mourn the life that it gone, never to be with us again.  That even when that end seems too soon, in the scheme of life we all have been given the number of steps we take prior to our being born and that we really can't do a lot to change that.  

His concept is that we just move on, almost like that after the funeral is over, that's it, no more reflection or feelings of loss - just its over.  Now he has not lost either of his parents - but then again neither have I.  His are probably closer to the end than mine - but maybe not as I said no-one really knows that.  

This concept seems so foreign to what I assume is the norm but if nothing else it makes me realise that I am transferring how I think grief should be onto those I care about around me.  Now it is not that I think that they are doing it wrong, I am not that insensitive, but I worry that if they don't go through all the steps (albeit my view of the steps) that they haven't dealt with their grief and that it will come back and overwhelm them later.  Could I be so wrong?  Or is it just that he has not had to deal with the grief of losing someone close to him?