Just Over Six Months On

The middle of July marked six months since my surgery, time has flown by, and the long period (over 3 months) of sitting on the plateau are still ongoing much to my dismay.

However, I had my six months checkup last week and the dietitian and doctor are more than happy with where I am.  Apparently I've lost nearly 50% of my excess weight and given my inability to exercise plus the fact the pool is closed, they are really really happy with me.

My diabetes specialist is also really happy, my blood sugars are normal, and I am on minimum medication with perfect blood pressure, low cholesterol and I have said goodbye to my fatty liver.

I am also booked in for a total knee replacement in late October and with the minimum of 3 month recovery time, it is unlikely my weight will do much more than stabilise at this point, however, again my dietitian said when I come back for my year check up she will be happy if I am no heavier than I am now.  She is also sure next year I can lose the 20 kilos that still need to go, I'll be happy with 10-15.

I'm still the fat girl in the mirror in my eyes, especially when I look downwards at the paunch that sits proud of the rest of my body, but I have in fact lost lots and lots of cms including an incredible 7.5 from my neck!!!  Really, that blew me away.

So it's going to take awhile for me to start see me as the new lighter me, my Psych says that is fine, 30 years of being and seeing fat is not going to go away in six months or even a year.

So here's a comparison, I'm not one to share photos of myself and it be honest I still look at the photos and see only minimal changes, but at least I do see some.

From the left, me in Nov 2012, middle in Oct 2012 and right in early July 2013, 32 kilos down from what I recall is my heaviest weight and 25 kilos since the beginning of this journey.  Maybe one day soon I will post the bathers photo, that probably shows the change in shape better.

Thanks for popping by, sorry I have been an absent blogger of late.

The Fat Girl in the Mirror and an Ah Ha Moment

Today when I weighed myself I was surprised to see 95.6 kgs appear as I have been stuck on a plateau again and really felt that this week was a week of putting on rather than losing.

This weight loss journey does your head in, especially when you need to lose a lot of weight, but I can say that I am now down around 30kgs from when I was at my heaviest.  I remember weighing in at 125kg and some odd ounces when I started Curves a few years ago - I was probably at my heaviest then, so 30 kgs down is something to celebrate.  Which means I am about 22 kgs down from when I started this journey in December.

Strangely though, I still see the fat girl in the mirror, and of course I am still classed at obese, and even at my goal weight of 76kgs I will be overweight by the BMI.  But that fat woman, is still there when I honestly look at myself.   Those who have known me for a while can see the difference, but I still struggle.

I think it is partly because I am now wearing smaller clothes, I'm down from a 24-26 to a 20 and from XL to M, so adjusting the clothes means they fit rather than swallow me, if that makes sense.

The other day I put on one of the my old outfits and took it straight off again as it overwhelmed me.

But then, I also tried on an outfit the other day before we went out and hubby was so complimentary I took it off - I know strange.  But we were going to my bosses house and I knew there would be people there who hadn't seem me for a while and I didn't want the whole - WOW look at you experience.   I really don't like drawing attention to the fact I am shrinking, or the feeling that when I was bigger I was invisible and now I'm not.  Didn't help though, as I still got a lot of people congratulating me or commenting on how much weight I had lost.

I mean it's not that I am not happy to talk about my weight loss surgery, in fact I want to shout it to the world, but I am quite an introverted person, I like to blend in and not be the centre of attention.

I was talking to my eldest daughter today about how the fat girl is still there in my head and she quite rightly told me that she had been there for so long that I probably will take a while to lose her.  How did she get so smart??

I did have an Ah Ha moment though.  Hubby and I went to Ovo (an amazing experience) and about half way through the show I suddenly realised I wasn't huddled against hubby, but that I had space and that my butt was sitting comfortably on the seat.  We have seen all the shows and I must say the seats are not generous and I always sit really close to hubby (luckily he has a skinny butt) so that I don't encroach on the person next to me.  This time I didn't have to do that, I was comfortably sitting on my seat and he was on his.  When I mentioned that to him, he said he missed me snuggling, but was thrilled that I was so happy with this Ah Ha moment.

I have even gone and bought some new bras (much smaller) and didn't feel anywhere near as uncomfortable when the fitter came in to check the bra was the right size.  I always used to hate that in the past, but suddenly I felt more comfortable.

I still have a long way to go and it is getting harder.  I lost 18 kgs from when I started the VLCD to six weeks post surgery and only another 4 kgs in the eight weeks since.  Not being able to exercise with this bloody knee and lower back is an issue which is not helping, but as long as I am moving down I can't let myself get discouraged.

Hopefully I will continue to have some Ah Ha moments to help me on my way and before I know it the fat girl will be gone, replaced by a nicely rounded woman, full of vitality and life.  I'm kind of looking forward to getting to know her.

Thanks for popping by xxxx

The Plateau

The Plateau ... the place where you don't want to be on a weight loss journey, but the PLACE I seem to be stuck pretty much for the last few weeks.

Once upon a time I thought that if I could just get below 100kgs I would be happy, and now that I am there, in double digits for the first time in 30 years, well I am sort of happy but very, very frustrated.

I need to lose more to achieve not just the goals that Dr C set for me, but the goals my body needs to reduce my arthritis, to allow me to have a knee replacement, to give me the freedom to travel to my daughter's wedding in America in September.

But here I am stuck, yoyoing between 98.2 and 99.2, up and down and up and down, and the horrible thing is, rather than motivating me to try harder, it is just making me give up.

All the negative thoughts are back, the 'this is what my body does' thoughts, the 'what does it matter' thoughts, and so my motivation takes a walk out the door.

The funny thing is that, positive comments about my weight loss, and I am getting quite a few from people who haven't seen me in a long time, are not motivating me.  In fact, they almost do the opposite.  Strange brain I have it seems, cause my internal voice says, well, see you are still looking great, you have done a great job, do you really have to do more?

Well, yes I do, about another 25 kgs more.  So I will need to have some strong words with my internal voice and somehow find that motivation to get back in the pool, because I believe, that I can't really eat much less than I am.

Life is never easy, I suppose I just need to find the energy to keep on plodding on, one gram at a time.

Thanks for popping by xxx

Speaking Too Soon

The Universe has a way of teaching us lessons, sometimes ones we already know, so it is a gentle reminder sometimes it is a big kick up the butt.  Not sure what category this one falls into but my butt is kind of sore!!!

My last post was about Should I Brag, where I told the blogosphere about how well I was doing with my weight loss.

Last weekend's weigh in bought me down to earth, I put on 500gms.  Seriously, it threw me for a loop. I had changed nothing in my diet except having a very small piece of birthday cake about 10 days before to celebrate with one of my work colleagues.

So were my concerns about me not being an over-eater prior to surgery now coming true, is this surgery mainly for people who constantly over-eat?  I don't have an answer to that, but I have had a crap week, beating myself up about it all.

The dietitian said not to worry it happens sometimes, but this early in the recovery?

John, my psychologist, said move on, let it be, there are always bumps in the road.  Which is true, but it has been a huge wake up call.

Here I was tootling along the highway of weight loss, thinking I was gathering speed, after all I was told by Dr C that I was ahead of the game, just a few days before the weight gain.

So Universe, I've got the message, take nothing for granted, keep your eyes on the goal and work harder.

I am pleased to say this morning's weigh in sees me almost back to where I was a fortnight ago, so hopefully the numbers will keep slowly going down.

The bad thing is, I just wanted chocolate to drown my sorrows in.  The good thing is, I didn't buy any.

Has the Universe been talking to you lately?  Hopefully if it has it has been in a positive way.

Have a great week ahead and thanks for popping by xxx

Is It Okay To Brag?

I sort of feel a little awkward writing this post, but I do want to keep people up to date with my progress in my weight loss, maybe it will inspire someone else to take the plunge and have surgery if they need it.

Yesterday I went and had my six week check up and Dr C confirmed I have lost 18kgs, he also said I was ahead of the game as I have lost 35% of my excess weight already and most people take a lot longer to get to that point.  Oh and I am now officially only obese, no longer morbidly obese.

Then I saw the exercise coordinator who re-measured me before giving me some light exercises to do, given my arthritis there will be no running or the like, but plenty of upper body exercises.

Now the thing that blew me away was how many cms I have lost, why does it blow me away?  Well when I look in the mirror I still see the 'fat' me, because really I am still 'fat' - after all obese is not skinny in any way shape or form.  Sure I see my face is thinner, and I know my arms and legs are as I can see that.  Partly because my arms are getting really 'flappy' - sigh.  But I can deal with that.

So when she measured me I was not expecting to have lost 9cms off my waist and a huge 15cms off my hips!!  I just can see it.  Sure I am now wearing a size 20 top instead of a 24 or 26, but my brain just doesn't realise that what it sees is still large, but a smaller large than it was.

So I feel I need to write it down so that I actually start to believe that the weight is disappearing, not just on the scales but off my body as well.

I may even be brave enough soon to post photos - no promises though.

Thanks for popping by xxx

Tales from the Saggy Baggy Elephant

Well it has now been six weeks since my surgery, all is going exceptionally well.  I am on normal food, very small quantities of normal food, but normal food none the less.  A few things don't seem to sit well in my stomach and so they have been eliminated from my diet.  I am still struggling to drink enough water as that just doesn't sit in my stomach without feeling weird.  Apparently it is quite common, but one of the things I need to preserve with.  I am supposed to drink 1.5 litres of water a day, at the moment I am struggling to drink half that.  Milk and juice are fine, although I no longer seem to enjoy a cup of tea like I did before which is a shame.

I am happy to report I am now weigh less than 100 kgs, 99.5 as of my weigh in yesterday morning, so that is just over 17 kgs since I started this journey in mid December and nearly 11 kgs since the surgery itself.

The weight loss is most noticeable in my face and in the saggy baggy skin that is forming on my thighs, upper arms and stomach.  I have always had excess skin left on my lower tummy from having 4 very large babies and lots of stretch marks.  Now it looks like saggy baggy elephant skin.  Even my calves and lower arms seem to have more loose skin than they used to.

I know that I will be having surgery to have a tummy tuck and the like, but I'm thinking I will need some on my thighs and upper arms as well, still we will see.  This is all at least 12 months in the future, so until then I will just have to focus on the health benefits of this weight loss and not the fact lots of me can swing in the breeze.

I am already off one of my blood pressure medications and down to just 2 tablets a day for the Diabetes.  My surgeon had hoped I would be taken off those, but after my recent visit to the Diabetes Professor  it seems I will remain on them for a least a while longer.  They wont give me a hypo and there is research that shows that Metformin can help reduce the risk of heart disease and cancer in people who are insulin resistant.  They are not a big deal to take each day, although having them with a meal is sometimes a struggle as I am not supposed to drink and eat at the same time. Breakfast never seems to be as much of a problem as the one with the evening meal, so I am now taking it during the meal rather than after, and that seems to be helping.

Talking about evening meals, those are the ones that seem to be the hardest to eat as well.  At this stage I should be able to eat 1 cup of food, and yet often I have to throw away at least half of that as I am too full.  The couple of times I have continued to eat I have paid for it, severe pain and the feeling that my food is sitting above my stomach.  Still it is a learning curve and I have not had to vomit.  I just walk around for a few minutes and it all seems to work its way down, and really only 2 occasions in six weeks is not bad going.

My meals are still mainly protein based, just I am adding veggies and carbs a little at a time.  The goal is to eat the protein first and then the others last.  I have to take a vitamin table every day to compensate for the lack of greens etc, and I do miss veggies, but the small amounts I have taste yummy and are little sweet treats in my meal.

Mentally I am doing really well, I had a little bit of doubt about getting below the 100kg mark, it seemed something that I couldn't do, but it just happened and now I am here I can only see the way forward.

I will try and get back into the blogging mode as there is lots to tell, but my mind just hasn't been here at all.

Thanks for popping by, I hope you have a wonderful week wherever you are xxx

Time for an Update, Some Truth and Maybe a Little Happiness

NEVER BEFORE IN MY LIFE have I let people know my true weight, not even my hubby knew.  Of course my doctors did (all of them), my dietitian did, but scales were never part of my household and so it was only occasionally at the doctors that I actually found out my weight.

I know that back in 1996 when I had surgery I weighed 121kg and I know that prior to losing the weight on the Arava (side effect not taken for weight loss) I weighed 122kg.   I also know that I was probably up around 125kg at my heaviest.

So there, it is now out there.  

When I first went to Dr Cohen (Mercy Bariatrics) I was on the way back up from my lowest point of 109.8kg (after going off the Arava), I was at 116.9kg.  Three weeks later prior to starting the VLCD I was 117.2kg.  So still steadily going up.

You see, I have weighed between 120-125kg for about 30 years, I would lose as much as 5kg through dedicated long term effort (exercise or diet or both) then slowly it would go back up to around the same.  It seems that was where my body was happy.  Of course the side effects were high blood pressure (on 2 medications for that) and a worsening group of arthritis and back symptoms and of course Type 2 Diabetes.  So while my body was happy, it wasn't really.

Like most people, I don't always eat well or make the best choices, but I do believe portion control rather than eating the wrong type of food has been my downfall.  Even when on the Low GI diet, I did not lose weight, and it only marginally made my BG levels better.

Now in past posts I railed against my Diabetes Specialist for even suggesting I have bariatric surgery, now I want to hug him.

12 days post op I now weigh 104.5kg (I was 110.4kgs on the morning of my operation).  I can't remember the last time I weigh this little (yes I know it is not that little in the scheme of things).

I am 169-170cm in height (depends on the person measuring me) and so I was morbidly obese before I started this journey.

I had a 50/50 chance of having a stroke or heart attack within the next 5 years, not great odds.  I am working hard to lessen those, taking the drastic step of having 2/3 of my stomach removed is drastic, it is not the 'easy way out' as there is nothing easy about this.  

But I think I am the happiest I have been in years.  Today I put on a size 20 top and it fit, I bought it online and it got delivered today, I thought it would be weeks before I would be able to fit into it and look good (I was wearing 24/26 pre surgery).  But it looks great on and the smile on my face is huge.

I still have a long way to go, as my doctor wants me down at 76kgs, while I will be happy to get to 85, but just maybe I can get there.

My BMI has already dropped from 41 to 36.4, so still morbidly obese, but almost down to just obese.  Small victories and small steps.

I have also rocked this surgery and already am back on semi solid foods, yesterday I had a very soft poached egg and it was so good after weeks of the VLCD and then post surgery of fluids.

Today I had some baked beans for breakfast, a small tin of tuna for lunch and for dinner a small serve of poached fish.  I am appreciating food so much more, given that I will never be able to eat more than 1 cup of food when I am back to full diet, but it is worth it.  Sure there are the daily mult-vitamins to compensate for the lack of fruit and vegies but a small sacrifice.

I just can't stop smiling.

Oh and my Blood Glucose is almost normal and I have an appointment with my specialist at the end of February to see if I can get off all meds, at the moment I am only on 500gms of Metformin after breakfast and after dinner.  I will hopefully be off my blood pressure meds too some time in the future.

I will be able to get on the floor again to play with my grandkids, I won't be so embarrassed at the swimming pool, I will be able to fly without worrying about who is sitting next to me - and hopefully will one day be able to put the tray table down and not have it rest on my tummy.

New life here I come.  Thanks so much to my family and work colleagues and friends, who have been so supportive, who are so caring and in my corner for this journey.

Thanks for popping by xxx

The Eagle Has Landed

Just a quick note to let you know I am now home and doing well.  I will update a bit more in the next day or two.

Thanks so much for all your support and healing wishes and prayers, they certainly helped me through a speedy transition to no pain (or very little) and being able to tolerate my nourishing fluids.

Thanks for popping by xxx

Houston, we are at 48 hours and counting

Image

That's right by this time in 48 hours, I will have had my surgery, well hopefully I will have!!

The Dr dropped this beauty on Monday, maybe I won't have surgery, it could get cancelled and I wont know until I get to the hospital on Friday morning!!

So ramp up my anxiety levels, just a little higher, why not I ask??

Apparently because of my co-morbidity factors, high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes, I need to go to ICU after recovery, for a minimum of 12 hours.  So, it seems that even though there is a bed in ICU booked for me, if someone else has some sort of emergency post op, or heart attack or the like, they can take my bed (and rightfully so but I will still be pissed off).

If this happens, well apparently I get fitted in some time later, who knows when ... a week, 2 weeks, a month???

So, I have been trying to put that aside and just focus on the fact that surgery will happen some time Friday afternoon.  I have to be in at the hospital at 10, I can have breakfast in the morning and not eat or drink after 8 am, so I imagine I'm later in the afternoon rather than straight after lunch.  Or maybe a protein bar and a cup of tea doesn't take that long to digest.

The Dr is pleased as I have lost 6 kgs now (and according to my scales this morning maybe 7kg) on the VLCD.

I am almost off my insulin, only need to take it about once a week and at minimum dose.  I have dropped 1 Diamicron and 1 Metformin tablet a day and seem to be having almost 'normal' levels when I do the fasting test in the morning and the pre-bed test at night.

Which raises the question, why the hell is that happening.  It is not the 6kg weight loss, it actually started the day I started the VLCD, in fact I had a mega hypo that afternoon as I took 2 diamicron that morning and the normal dose of insulin the night before.  In fact, I lost 12 kgs last year and I am only back to that level now and I certainly didn't have any reduction in BG with that weight loss.

It leaves me asking the question, does Diabetes Australian really know what they are talking about with regard to Type 2 Diabetes.  There mantra is not much protein, lots of green vegetables and a small but consistent amount of carbs (Low GI ones).  This diet is high protein, lots of green vegetables (no starchy ones) and NO carbs.  That's right NONE.  Which should be rights give me high BG levels.

Does this mean I really am a square peg in a round hole??  In fact, the Dr was blown away when I told him, made him go from we can get you off insulin post surgery but not into remission, to saying, well maybe remission is a possibility for me.  Not hanging onto that, but wouldn't that be fantastic if that was the case.  I had set my goal as off insulin and done to just Metformin, and I will still be happy with that, but this raises the question, can I do it, and if I can, how long will it last before/if my BG levels start to go up.  I would love it if the answer was they stay down forever, but I am just not sure that if you have got to insulin dependence once, that you don't gradually work your way back there again because you have intrinsically broken something.

So if you pray, I would appreciate your prayers, and if you don't - you healing thoughts and wishes would also be lovely ... I am going to imagine myself wrapped in healing light and love, to give me the courage to take this step ... one huge step, for me, for weight loss and for the future.  I was going to do the whole Neil Armstrong quote, but thought that might be a tad tacky - lol.

Thanks for popping by xxx