Time for an Update, Some Truth and Maybe a Little Happiness

NEVER BEFORE IN MY LIFE have I let people know my true weight, not even my hubby knew.  Of course my doctors did (all of them), my dietitian did, but scales were never part of my household and so it was only occasionally at the doctors that I actually found out my weight.

I know that back in 1996 when I had surgery I weighed 121kg and I know that prior to losing the weight on the Arava (side effect not taken for weight loss) I weighed 122kg.   I also know that I was probably up around 125kg at my heaviest.

So there, it is now out there.  

When I first went to Dr Cohen (Mercy Bariatrics) I was on the way back up from my lowest point of 109.8kg (after going off the Arava), I was at 116.9kg.  Three weeks later prior to starting the VLCD I was 117.2kg.  So still steadily going up.

You see, I have weighed between 120-125kg for about 30 years, I would lose as much as 5kg through dedicated long term effort (exercise or diet or both) then slowly it would go back up to around the same.  It seems that was where my body was happy.  Of course the side effects were high blood pressure (on 2 medications for that) and a worsening group of arthritis and back symptoms and of course Type 2 Diabetes.  So while my body was happy, it wasn't really.

Like most people, I don't always eat well or make the best choices, but I do believe portion control rather than eating the wrong type of food has been my downfall.  Even when on the Low GI diet, I did not lose weight, and it only marginally made my BG levels better.

Now in past posts I railed against my Diabetes Specialist for even suggesting I have bariatric surgery, now I want to hug him.

12 days post op I now weigh 104.5kg (I was 110.4kgs on the morning of my operation).  I can't remember the last time I weigh this little (yes I know it is not that little in the scheme of things).

I am 169-170cm in height (depends on the person measuring me) and so I was morbidly obese before I started this journey.

I had a 50/50 chance of having a stroke or heart attack within the next 5 years, not great odds.  I am working hard to lessen those, taking the drastic step of having 2/3 of my stomach removed is drastic, it is not the 'easy way out' as there is nothing easy about this.  

But I think I am the happiest I have been in years.  Today I put on a size 20 top and it fit, I bought it online and it got delivered today, I thought it would be weeks before I would be able to fit into it and look good (I was wearing 24/26 pre surgery).  But it looks great on and the smile on my face is huge.

I still have a long way to go, as my doctor wants me down at 76kgs, while I will be happy to get to 85, but just maybe I can get there.

My BMI has already dropped from 41 to 36.4, so still morbidly obese, but almost down to just obese.  Small victories and small steps.

I have also rocked this surgery and already am back on semi solid foods, yesterday I had a very soft poached egg and it was so good after weeks of the VLCD and then post surgery of fluids.

Today I had some baked beans for breakfast, a small tin of tuna for lunch and for dinner a small serve of poached fish.  I am appreciating food so much more, given that I will never be able to eat more than 1 cup of food when I am back to full diet, but it is worth it.  Sure there are the daily mult-vitamins to compensate for the lack of fruit and vegies but a small sacrifice.

I just can't stop smiling.

Oh and my Blood Glucose is almost normal and I have an appointment with my specialist at the end of February to see if I can get off all meds, at the moment I am only on 500gms of Metformin after breakfast and after dinner.  I will hopefully be off my blood pressure meds too some time in the future.

I will be able to get on the floor again to play with my grandkids, I won't be so embarrassed at the swimming pool, I will be able to fly without worrying about who is sitting next to me - and hopefully will one day be able to put the tray table down and not have it rest on my tummy.

New life here I come.  Thanks so much to my family and work colleagues and friends, who have been so supportive, who are so caring and in my corner for this journey.

Thanks for popping by xxx

2013 The Way Forward

Image source

December of 2012 has bought me to a decision point, I can continue struggling with my weight, with my diabetes and with my pain or take some drastic action.

I know I ranted against my Diabetes specialist when he dared to suggest I consider lap banding or a gastric sleeve to help me lose weight.  I still believe he saw the disease and not the person, but he did me a favour.  He made me stop and think, to go and find out more.

So on the 18th January 2013 I will be having gastric sleeve surgery.  It has not been an easy decision, but after I meet with the surgeon and his team of support staff (dietitians, exercise phsyiologists and baritiac assessors) and I heard what they had to say.  After I watched a DVD of past recipients of the surgery, after I heard them acknowledge that they are sure I am eating the right food most of the time, but I am eating too much for me, for my metabolism - I stopped and though hard.  I am morbidly obese, 41 on the scale, given my height and age.

I am currently nearly 2 weeks into a VLCD to try and shed some fat out of my liver, which I now know is enlarged.  I need to lose 5kgs to start that happening, I am now down about 4kg with 2-3 weeks still left.

I chose to have the gastric sleeve rather than the lap band, partly on the advice of the surgeon, but mostly because I know of 3 people who have had lap bands who constantly struggle with regurgitating food back.  I don't vomit, and on the couple of times I have, my body goes into shock.  So regurgitation is not something I am putting my hand up for.  Apart from that, each and every one of them struggles to eat meat and bread.  Each of them has stopped going back to have the fill ups that are needed to keep the band tight, each of them has put back on some of the weight they originally lost.

Gastric sleeve surgery eliminates the need to fluid top ups, it enables you to eat a varied diet, your stomach works in the normal way, there is just a lot less stomach and so you eat 3 very small meals a day.

Sure there are some big draw backs, I can only drink very small amounts of fluid before I fill up and it comes back up - yuck.  I need to sip water often as I can't easily rehydrate if I haven't kept my fluid levels up.

There are bigger surgical risks too, they basically cut away 2/3 of your stomach using staples and a cutting thingy (like my technical terms?) and you can leak stomach fluid and become seriously ill and end up in intensive care, or you can suffer a major bleed and have to go back into surgery.  Lap banding has very minor risks.

The reality though, is I could be dead in 5 years of heart attach or stroke, I have a 50/50 chance of that happening, I have a 1/2000 chance of surgery complications.   That is not to mention all the complications like gangrene and going blind that uncontrolled diabetes bring to the game.  That is not to mention the fact that no doctor will replace my knee while I weigh this much.

So 2013 is The Way Forward year, the year I take back control, the year I lose up to 80% of my excess weight - that's like 40kgs people, even saying that out loud is scary.

One bonus of being on the VLCD is that I already have had to cut down my diabetes meds, my BG readings are so good that I just can't believe it.  Did I tell you that I might end up on just 1 tablet, or even if the Universe is smiling - no medication for my diabetes.  Not to mention dropping my blood pressure tablets, my pain meds, and all sort of other benefits.

So 2013 is my oyster and I am making sure that I end up with a PEARL.  Thanks to my hubby and all my family and work colleagues who have already been so supportive, who have not judged me or seen this as the easy way out, but have been there cheering me on.

Happy New Year to all who drop by here to read and comment, I hope 2013 is the best for you too, I have so much appreciated your friendships, your comments and reading your blogs through 2012.

Oh and Beth - your turn, go!!

The Vagina Monologues (well my version anyway)

Does anyone else out there, get a little freaked out when you get the letter that your Pap Smear is overdue from the Department of Health?  Maybe it is just a WA thing, but I kind of freaks me out that a random government computer knows more about my vagina than I do!!

And then there are the reminders about mammograms - I just hope it is the same random government computer as the one about my pap smear, I mean just imagine if it is a whole bank of government computers knowing about my lady parts!!!  Horror : )

But on a serious note, do you keep your regular check ups in your diary, does your doctor's surgery remind you or do you just fly by the seat of your pants with these things, which is what I do.  I wait until I get the reminders and then make the appointments, although my doctor's surgery also sends me a reminder as well so it is hard to forget them.

So the appointment is made and hopefully, fingers crossed the results are all clear.

And just so I can share a little more, but not about me, my daughter's doctor has Aspergers (well we are pretty sure she does) and she gives a monotone monologue account of what she is doing and when my daughter was re-enacting the whole experience to me on the phone last night I nearly wet myself laughing.  At least my doctor is a little more laid back about what she is doing down there.

Thanks for popping by xxx

The Launch of ...

I've decided to share my diabetes journey on a new blog, in an attempt to help me come to terms with the disease.  Not sure that it will work, but I've got to try something, and I think that writing about it will help - surprise that the psychologist could be right about that - hey?

I find it hard to write with a pen anymore, arthritis and all that, so typing is much easier.

I will try and journal daily, and the first few will be put together from what I have already hand written.

Head Space

Do you have those days, weeks, months - the ones when your head space is clouded and dull, where everything seems too much trouble.  There are bright spots, like my massage and lunch with Amy (the best hands in Australia), cuddles and talking with my grandkids, sunshiny winter days - but mostly it is just overwhelmingly negative in my head at the moment.

Not depressed as such, but just too much to deal with, and the frustrations of trying to make things better only to be thwarted by doctors being on holidays or appointments booking into 2013.

I am not naturally a pessimistic person, always glass half full, but lately I keep getting smacked in the face by things that don't seem to be getting any better.

Take the D2, new medication - has made little to no difference.  Take the needle phobia - 3 months or more of injecting myself twice a day has not make it go away.  In fact, it is really doing my head in.  I just feel numb, so while I managed to stick that needle in, and push the injector button, I feel that each time I do a little bit of me dies.  Weird hey?  So I ask my D2 nurse if there is a support group, people going through the same crap that maybe I can join.  Seems not.  So I ask my doctor about seeing someone, sure she refers me, then he is on leave for all of this month, so who knows when I will get an appointment?  And yes, Mum, I know I can talk to you, but I don't want to, I need this to be my journey - hopefully you understand that and don't get offended.

So I am not looking forward to my visit with the D2 specialist in a couple of weeks, I know he won't be happy and that he also won't understand - after all, while he is a specialist - he doesn't suffer with D2 or have needle phobia.

Then there is the pain in my back, leg, knee and foot - all caused by the nerve in my back.  So I get a referral to a specialist - seems he can't see me until Jan 2013 - right that's a lot of help.  And I have private health, so this is not a hospital waiting list!!!.  So back to my doctors and I get a list of 4 other guys who might have shorter lists, well one has retired and two are December at the earliest.  But yippee I managed to get the 28th September - what???  That's right I am happy about an appointment months away.  Still, I need something to happen, walking around the shops today, I managed 20 minutes before I was in agony and heading back to my car.

Then there is the 12 kilos I lost because of my arthritis medication giving me diarrhoea most days, now I am off the meds, the weight is going back on.  Of course it is.  Then I hear on the radio that I need to walk briskly for an hour a day, 5 days a week.  Right, that's going to happen when I can only manage 20 slowly at the shopping centre.  Still, I am going to the gym tomorrow to see about joining.  How many hours on the weights do you think I will need to do - I hate to think, but I have to give something a try for if I go on insulin I will put weight on.

I think a lot of my issue is that I normally don't really think about myself, my focus has always been outwards - looking after every one else first and I have got into the habit of ignoring myself.  The D2 has been lurking in the background for years, I knew it was coming, I tried to avoid it, but I didn't try hard enough - it was too easy to ignore the warnings, too easy to think it would be years coming.  There were too many days of saying tomorrow, I will deal with it tomorrow.  Well you know that tomorrow never comes.

I don't know why I struggle to put myself first, but I do.  I'm not saying I am not selfish in some ways, heaps of ways even.  But it has always been easier to not think about me, it seems strange to even say that and I am not sure that anyone else would understand.

So now when I have to put myself first, well, it just seems so dammed hard, and I am so tired - emotionally, physically and mentally.  As try as I might, I just can't seem to get my head into the space it needs to be.  I even said to my Mum that maybe I just won't try, maybe it was easier to just keep ignoring until the end.  But I know the end with D2 is not pretty, but I just don't know that I can keep doing this for another 20 years, not sure I can even do it until the end of this year.

Then there is the self sabotage, suddenly I am craving all the things I am not allowed to eat, and every now and then, and some time way to often, I allow myself to indulge.  God, I am an intelligent woman - what's going on???

So excuse the indulgence of this post, I am just putting it out there in the Universe, not looking for sympathy, and not really feeling sorry for myself either, just tired, really, really tired of the crap.

Down the Rabbit Hole

And she fell down the rabbit hole, tumbling over and over again until she landed in a heap at the bottom. And what did she find there? Not a magical land, not potions to make her big or small. She found reality. Her reality, the one she had denied for so long. Here it was, ready to hit her with a big stick and still she couldn't look it in the eye.

She felt lost, so lost, she knew not where to look, for she could not face her reality, the one with a D and 2 in it.

How had she got here, well she really knew the answer to that one. It wasn't following a white rabbit, it wasn't falling down a rabbit hole. It was the fact that she had not dealt with it right back at the beginning, denial is a wonderful thing ... until it bites you in the bum.

Not only had she denied it to herself, but it seems her hubby as well, and while she is busily trying to get with the program now, he is still in denial, still killing her with kindness, still denying that this bloody disease is a killer, it maims and it makes your life miserable.

Alice's only light was that at least she only had to deal with it now, at nearly 57, and not from a young age when there is a D and a 1 involved.

She would somehow find the courage, find the strength to fight the fight, but this day, right now ... she couldn't face the reality of what is to come. But tomorrow, she needs to put on her armour and look her reality right in the face, for she will be learning how to use a potion, with a needle attached, to try and bring her back to health.

But does she had the strength to do it day after day ... only time will tell.

Warning : Making the Bed is Dangerous for your Health

Last Sunday - yes a week ago - I was making the bed and something went pop in my back and I could barely straighten up. 7 days later and it is not much better at all, in spite of massage and heat packs and trying to look after it. I think helping to move and pack our kitchen up yesterday did not help.

There will now be a health warning in my bedroom - Making Your Bed Is Bad For Your Health!!! - Leave it Messy and Unmade.

Seriously, I need a maid - is there anyone out there who would like to pop over and help?

To HRT or Not To HRT - That Is The Question

Menopause - the great debate seems to be do you use HRT or not and if you choose to what do you use - the manufactured chemical type or the all natural you need to take a lot more for the same effect type.

One part of me thinks if my maternal ancestors managed to get through menopause without using HRT why shouldn't I. I suppose there is and increased risk of dying younger - pre-menopause women's hearts are protected by estrogen and when that falls it bring your risk factor up to that of a man. Ooohh there is something good about periods after all! And lets face it most of my maternal ancestors probably didn't live much past 70.

Some women I know do menopause very hard, the hot flushes, the menopausal brain, the depression that sometimes comes means that HRT is a must for these women. But is it a must for me? I'm certainly not enjoying being hot all the time, but I certainly haven't got to the laying in a pool of sweat in the middle of the night stage - and maybe I never will. Some women seem to breeze through the menopause - maybe that will be me?

I switched on to the end of an Oprah show about menopause and HRT the other day and Dr Phil's wife was there touting her book about just this subject. Trouble is I am put off reading the book because she came across as a know-it-all American (sorry I know that it not a nice thing to say and not all Americans are that way). But do I want to take advice from Dr Phil's wife?

I've talked to some other women friends about this and I don't know if that has made things any clearer or not.

So I suppose I am off to find out more before I get to that place, you know, the climbing the walls asking the doctor to give me anything to stop these symptoms place. I'll let you know if I find anything that makes the decision easier.