Until The 12th Of Never

You ask how much I need you must I explain

I need you oh my darling like roses need rain

You ask how long I'll love you I'll tell you true

Until the 12th of Never I'll still be loving you

Hold me close never let me go hold me close melt my heart like April snow

I'll love you till the bluebells forget to bloom

I'll love you till the clover has lost its perfume

I'll love you till the poets run out of rhymes

Until the 12th of Never and that's a long long time

Until the 12th of Never and that's a long long time

The 12th of November - Our Anniversary

32 years of married life. Reflecting back I realise just how lucky we where to meet, to fall in love and to still be in love today - all these years later.

Our love is different now - it is deeper, more emotional, stronger - the rush of youthful exuberance is gone, the lust, while still there has tempered like our love into something more meaningful than just pleasure. But this is a better love, one that grips my heart so strongly that sometimes I think I won't be able to live if you should ever leave. I know that you would never willingly leave me, but as we get older the reality is that either of us could die - we can not know the extent of our journey here on earth.

The longer we are together the more I realise that I have been blessed to have you in my life, I went through many years just thinking that everyone had this type of love, but they don't, I wish they did, but I now realise is seems that only a special few have been blessed the way we have.

Love is something you have to work at, it is something you have to feed, for if you don't it peters out and dies. Love is not about 'YOU' it is about the 'OTHER' - it is about sacrifice, it is about putting the other first, it is about compromise, it is about forgiveness, it is about understanding, it is about caring, it is about accepting each other for who you are, it is about touching, it is about acknowledging that you to have faults, it is about passion, it is about a willingness to be able to step in front of a rushing train to save the other.

It is not to say that there have not been times when we have fought, when I have felt abandoned with your commitment to work, when I have not understood, when I have been angry. There have been slamming door moments, there have been the frosty times when neither of us were willing to admit we were wrong, but underneath all of that there has always been the knowledge that either of us would willingly step in front of that rushing train to save the other. That even though our views on religion, politics and so many other things may be opposite of each other - there has always been that sense of soul mates together for all time.

It is though my heart has always known you and so from that first time we kissed I knew that we would be together until the 12th of never.

So my love, thank you for the past 32 years - I look forward to spending eternity in your arms and in your heart. You are the half that makes me complete.

The Smell of Roses

The other night I walked into my darkened study after a long day at work to turn my computer on - my senses are overwhelmed by the smell of roses. There on my desk is a vase of beautiful roses from our garden. One guess who put them there for me to enjoy. I love this man more and more each day and after nearly 33 years together I didn't think that was possible. And while the roses are now open, every day when I come home my study smells of roses ... one of my favourite smells of all time.

True Love

I have always know that my darling husband loves me, even those times in our life together when he was too busy to pay me much attention. It has always been the little things, the way he touches my hair while I am reading and he is walking past, the way he rubs my back when I am washing up, the times he rings me when he is away just to see that I am okay, the way he holds my hand when we walk together, the way he kisses me ... he has rarely bought me flowers or expensive gifts, in fact once he bought me a car aerial as a present which we still laugh about - I needed it and we were short of money at the time so it was practical and I suppose in that way a romantic gift after all he knows how much I love my music in the car.

It doesn't mean we don't fight - we have had some doozies over the years, but in the scheme of things not many at all.

But his concern and love for me is a blessing that I gratefully accept.

Last week we went to Adelaide - where he is working every week - flies out Sundays or Mondays and back on Thursday nights. It has been a strain on both of us but it is something he has to do. So this last week he flew me over with him so we could be together each morning and night. Qantas lost my luggage and it had all my meds in the bag (the first time I have ever put them in the check-in luggage, and the last) and I was really laid back about the whole thing. But DH worried his heart out, ringing Qantas to check, ringing me to make sure I was okay, ringing Qantas again, then ringing me again and so on all day. I think he was worried he would come back to the room to find me dead or dying - I really am not that fragile. But it reinforced how much he loves me and how he would miss me if I was not in his life.

It would be wonderful if everyone could find their soul mate, their true love. And if you haven't found him yet - don't be fooled by the flashy gifts and the flowers, it is the little things that really show how much you are loved - well it is in my book anyway.

I love you darling with all my heart.

Soul Mates - A Question

I often refer to my hubby as my soul mate, and that is truly how I see him. However in a lot of respects we are like chalk and cheese. So can people that are so different really be soul mates?

How are we different, well:

he sees things in black and white, I always see them in shades of grey

he is a pessimist by nature, I am an optimist

he doesn't like to read, I do

his strength is in maths, mine is in English

his brain is logical, mine isn't even close to being logical

he likes to sleep on the left side of the bed, I like to sleep on the right

I really feel the heat, he doesn't

I get really emotional, he has much more restraint

he gets angry at things and the world very easily, I am more tempered and slower to anger

he keeps his anger, once I have exploded mine is gone

he is cynical about all things spiritual, I embrace all that is unknown and believe there is more in life than what we can see

he is a realist, I am a dreamer

I like to spend, he likes to keep a tighter hold on the finances

he likes Subaru, I like Mazda

he likes Holden, I like Ford

I like to stay inside and read, he likes to go outside and garden

I want to travel, he wants to stay home

he doesn't mind camping, I'm a 5-star girl

he likes wine, I think wine tastes like vinegar

he likes coffee, I like tea

I love milk, he hates milk

he has sugar, I don't

Seems like there are an awful lot of things we don't have in common, but most of these are silly little things. The things we have in common are the ones that truly count.

we both believe in doing what is right and sticking up for the underdog

we both would give our lives for our family and each other

we both love unconditionally, especially each other

we both trust each other and always have

we are fiercely defensive of our children, as many a teacher has found out

when we are apart we both feel that half of our self is missing

I can't answer this bit for him, but he is the person that makes me feel whole, he strokes my head when I am feeling blue - sometimes when I don't think he even knows, but he does. He gives me butterfly kisses, he holds my hand and makes me feel safe, he looks at me and sees the women he loves (I look at me in the mirror and see someone I don't even really like - but he looks inside and sees the beautiful part that is truly me - how I wish I could do that). He is so forgiving of my faults and he thinks I am a precious flower - but not in a derogatory way as he also sees the strengths that I possess.

How can one not feel like soul mates when one is loved so completely?

Is This A Sign Of Soul Mates?

My hubby and I have been married for 31 years and more and more we think the same thing at exactly the same time and one of us will start telling the other and the other one goes I was just thinking that myself. This happens on a daily basis and is quite spooky it is almost like we are mind reading each others thoughts.

Then there are the times when we aren't even in the same place and I am thinking 'oh I hope he does ...' and he does, case in point yesterday - I had a hair appointment, then was dropping in to see Mum in hospital and wouldn't get home until about 2.30 pm and so he was getting stuff for lunch. Normally that means fresh bread and ham and maybe salami and very occasionally a hot chicken which I break up and we have in the sandwich. As I was driving home I thought 'I really would like a chicken sandwich today but I didn't let him know so he has probably got ham', but when I got home - chicken was waiting for me ... spooky.

Now is this just because we have co-habitated for so long that we know each other so well, or is it that like twins we are so in tune with each other it just happens because we are soul mates? I'd like to think it is the latter.

Can Life Go On When Your Soul Mate Dies?

My Mother in Law died in the early hours of Tuesday morning and she was only 75.  In 2001 her husband and my Father in Law died aged 68 after a short battle with lung cancer.  He was so positive that he could beat it, but by the time it was diagnosed it was not able to be treated with anything other than mild chemo which only delayed the end and before he died it had spread to his spine.  

My in-laws were soul mates, each had their strengths and weaknesses that complimented each other.  My f-i-l was the outgoing, strong, funny one and my m-i-l was the shy one who stood in his shadow. She was also the one who tempered his outrageous behaviour when it was required just as he boosted her confidence through his undying love for her. I'll never forget seeing them dance the waltz together at my eldest daughter's wedding, it was like watching perfect unison, eyes only for each other and never a foot wrong. They glided across the floor so in tune with each other it was awesome.

When he died my m-i-l took 2 years to remove his towel and toiletries from the bathroom and to sort through and dispose of his clothes.  She tried really hard to be strong, but in reality her heart was broken.  She had believed that he would get well and their life would go on.  

Not long after my f-i-l had been diagnosed, she had suffered a minor stroke, and not wanting to take up his time while he was fighting the good fight, she didn't seek any therapy.  The result was that she was left with a speech impediment and was often hard to understand.  This made her retreat further into her shell.  

She had never learned to use an atm, or to do the banking or anything to do with finance and really didn't like to drive. To be honest having driven with her once that wasn't a bad thing.  

Because he had been so sure that he would survive the odds, he hadn't taken the time to teach her the things she needed to do to survive his death.  My husband and his siblings did their best and took over as much as they could, my s-i-l took her to the bank every week and stood with her while she used the atm, but even then she struggled.  It is not that she was not an intelligent women, after all she has raised 4 children and run a household and had even returned to work when the children were older.  It was just she was struggling with her loss.

In 2005 she was diagnosed with Parkinson Syndrome and had to move to a 'hostel'.  And so for the last 3 years we have watched her fade - quite literally - she seemed to shrink in height and weight, she no longer got her hair coloured and so the grey showed, she never went outside and so she became pale.  Her already soft voice got quieter until in the last few weeks she no longer could talk.  

We got angry, we got frustrated, we couldn't understand, how could she just give up and want to die.  We wanted to yell at her, shake her, make her understand she was a women who had given birth and raised 4 children, she had 13 grandchildren and 18 great grandchildren, she had much to live for.  

But her soul mate was gone - and we all had our own lives and no matter how much you want to make time, there are only so many hours in the day and so much of your own stuff you need to do to get through your life, that we could only give her hours at the most.

It seems she did not tell us how unwell she was, she was never diagnosed with anything other than her stroke and Parkinson Syndrome, but eventually she stopped walking, eating, reading, even interacting with visitors was too much.  The week or so before she died it became obvious there was more than giving up wrong with her, but she had never said a word, and the diagnosis of cancer came too late, and to be honest even at the end we didn't know where the cancer was as she wouldn't or couldn't let us find out.  She died peacefully in her sleep, and it is my hope that she is now reunited with the love of her life.

It also raises questions in my mind, my husband is my soul mate and I am his.  Even though we both work full time and have interests that are not linked to each other, we are two parts of a whole.  Can a half continue to live after the death of the other half?  I know how to use an atm, understand excel etc, but let my husband do the banking - after all he is an accountant.  I drive an amazing car and can't see that ever being a problem.  But what if like  my m-i-l my heart is so broken by my loss that I can't find the strength to go on?  

My husband is the one who holds me when I hurt, brings me tissues when I cry, cooks my dinner when I am tired.  He laughs at my silliness, and indulges my retail therapy.  He overlooks my shortcomings. And he loves me just the way I am, when sometimes I have trouble loving myself.  How do you cope if and when you lose that person, the one made for you?

I believe that I do have the strength to continue if my husband is no longer here, but what it I don't?  Can a broken heart ever really be mended?