The Time Has Come

"The time has come," the Walrus said,

"To talk of many things:

Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--

Of cabbages--and kings--

And why the sea is boiling hot--

And whether pigs have wings."

"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,

"Before we have our chat;

For some of us our out of breath,

And all of us are fat!"

"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.

They thanked him much for that.

The Walrus and the Carpenter is a poem by Lewis Carroll that appears within his 1871 novel, Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There

It's been a while since I've been here, and I appreciate that many of you may still visit me now and then and say "No hurry" just like the Carpenter.

There is much to talk about, but I'm not sure how much I will actually put here, as I don't want to engage in a pity party, or a pat me on the back party either.  So this will be a stream of conscience sort of post and we will see where it takes me.

Work - things have been interesting to say the least at work, it has been a time of extreme stress for me, a time when I have felt I lost control of a situation through no fault of my own.  It bought me close to the point of resignation, but ultimately I have stayed as I enjoy what I do and who I work with and I get a great sense of achievement in most things my team do as well.  Personalities will always bring with them issues, and I am the first to admit I don't deal with confrontation well, and so I have left things slide rather than deal with them to the detriment of my own personal sanity.  I am pleased to say though that the Universe has provided me with an alternative that removes some of the issues, and while it has also bought more pressure and stress, ultimately it will be the best outcome for myself, the team and the team member that originally bought it all to a head.

One major bonus of working for the same organisation (although it has had 4 name changes since I started) for nearly 30 years, is that I have a lot of sick leave owing to me, which has allowed me to take the time to recover from surgery.

Total Knee Replacement Surgery - my left knee has caused me grief for a long time.  About 2 to 3 years ago I noticed one day that my knee had virtually collapsed outwards, bowing my leg and making my knee swell.  It wasn't however, particularly painful, just the odd night when it ached or the odd day at work when I found myself rubbing it without actually realising I was doing so.  What it has done though is impact badly on my left side - ankle, hip, lower back - to the point that walking or particular standing still for any length of time was excruciatingly painful.  I did well on our trip to Alaska, better than I thought I would, but not without times when I resented that I couldn't do more.

So on the 17th December I entered hospital to have the knee replaced.  My surgeon was to comment to me post surgery, that my knee was BAD, VERY BAD in fact much worse than the x-rays had shown.  I regret not asking for photos now!!

I was in hospital for only 4 nights and discharged home under the tender and loving care of my hubby (that man is amazing).  What I was not prepared for in the weeks post surgery is how much pain I would be in while I recovered.  I know everyone told me this is the most painful surgery ever, but even then, I didn't think it would be like this.  There have been nights (which are the worst with regard to pain) when I have sobbed in my bed wishing I had a chain-saw to just chop the bloody leg off.

Getting ready to stand for the first time, 1 day post op

Large bandage removed, day 2 post op so I get to see my leg, and the swelling which doesn't look too bad here but has increased so my left thigh and knee are about 3 to 4 times larger than my right leg.

Staples galore

The day the staples came out

Part of my problem is I am unable to take codeine which is a wonderful pain reliever and I am limited to panadol, a small amount of endone (which has other disastrous consequences) and a slow release patch on my back for 4 weeks.  After seeing the surgeon at the Week 4 mark, I am off the endone and on slow release Tramal as I can't take the instant relief one either because of side effects.

But I am told I am not alone in this, many people suffer the same issues, lack of sleep, pain at night, wanting to cut their leg off, and that it can take up to 6 months before this all settles down.  As my Physio says, all the muscles, tendons and ligaments have been pulled wide apart so they can cut the bone/knee out and have to readjust back to where they need to be, apart from the fact my major muscles are out of whack from the years of not having my knee track where is should.  So some are too tight, some are too lose and some have not worked at all and now I am asking them too and so they are pissed off about it and letting me know.

Head Space - but what all this has done is put me in a horrid place mentally.  I'm the woman that always sees the glass as half full, sees the best in people and situations, tries to turn bad into good, sees the bright side, you get my drift.  But seriously I struggled to do any of that, and that, even more than the pain and lack of sleep was pulling me down to depression, to endless bouts of crying for no good purposes, for withdrawing into myself and not wanting to share where I am.  Hence the lack of posts since late November.



I wrote all the above towards the middle of February and then walked away before I hit publish.  I wasn't ready to let it out there.

Finally at the 4 month mark, I can say I am starting to see the bright side, there is less pain at night, I have 122 degrees bend (max of 130 is possible) post surgery.  I still have to walk with a cane as my leg muscles are still to weak, but with exercise they are slowly getting stronger.

I couldn't have got here without the amazing support of my hubby, my family and my work colleagues.  I was due to go back to work early in Feb.  I managed half a day and then fled.  I didn't go back until the end of Feb and then I am pleased to say I was ready.

There are still issues at work that do my head in, but there is an end in sight with a contract finishing in a couple of months, and a staff member returning and I look forward to her energy back in the office.

I don't know if I ever will blog as much as I used to, but you never know.

Thanks for popping by xxxx

Someone was happy to see me home and to keep me company in the hours of pain and struggle during the night.  

This Body

This body of mine is truly doing my head in.

Once, long ago, I was thin, then I had 4 children and my body decided it like being bigger, and with each baby it got bigger and bigger.  So when I finished having my children I was no longer thin, not by a long shot.  I say my body decided this because I can truly say I did not eat for two, I was reasonably active and certainly having 4 children kept me running around.

My body has not varied it's weight much in the 30 years since I was pregnant with my last child.  It goes up and down by about 2-3kgs but pretty much has stuck at the same weight all that time.

I said to myself, I will be fit by 40 - didn't happen, couldn't get myself motivated and with working and raising a family I never seemed to have the time.

I said to myself, I will lose some weight by my 50th birthday - didn't happen, by then my arthritis was out of control, my motivation was zero and I was just plain tired all of the decade between 40-50.

So now I am nearly 57 and in the last year I have lost 12kgs, not through any effort but through the side-effects of one of my medications.  I am now off that medication and I have put on 1.2kgs, because my body likes being the weight it is.

I on the other hand don't.  I am tired of being obese, I am tired of hiding myself from my hubby (my issue not his), I am tired of being tired, I am trying to get fit so I can be healthier.  So I joined a gym.

My body on the other hand has other ideas.  One session and my arthritis is the worse it has been in 10 years.  I am in so much pain that it is ridiculous.  Seriously, I am over my body dictating my life ... so tomorrow I will go back to the gym, seriously body, we need to lose weight so be a little kinder to me - please!!!

See here's proof that I used to be thin!!

As a p.s. to this post, my personal trainer has just cancelled todays' session and can't fit me in until next Saturday, so is the Universe now plotting against me as well - sigh!!!

A Question About You Know What

Warning, if you are one of my kids, or are young and think that oldies don't do IT anymore, you may not want to read further than the banner and if you do - well I did warn you!

Oh and Mum, I know you will read this, but remember I don't need TMI given I am your daughter - lol.

So my older bloggy friends, I have a question for you, especially those of you with arthritis or other illnesses. How's your sex life? Not that I am a perv, I am just curious.

I miss having a sex life, it is not that I don't want to, in fact I really do. And hubby, well he wants to as well, but he is too scared that he will hurt me, and I am too scared of the pain that follows me for days. The pleasure is fantastic but the aftermath sort of cancels it out.

So it has been months and months and months and months (possibly even a year) since we have even attempted the 'horizontal tango'. I miss the closeness, the snuggling afterwards, the whole nine yards.

I seriously want to initiate the passion again, but then I feel my hip ache, or my back spasm and I remember the last few times when I have cramped up, when I end up crying and trying not to let hubby know - but he always does. Then he blames himself, which is not right, because he hasn't done anything different from the thousands of times before my arthritis got so bad.

So my friends, how do you cope?

Have you like us, just started avoiding the issue?

Do you dose up on pain meds prior and after?

And if you have started avoiding the issue, do you miss it too?

Epic Fail and Other Bits and Pieces

Just a quick update, just in case you are popping by to see if I am here.

To start with I am not going to well with the whole injection thing. After the pain of the first injection (see post here), I woke up on the the following Sunday full of trepidation. I actually felt physically ill. So long story short, I got the injection pen out, let it warm up to room temperature, took myself to the bedroom and promptly had a small breakdown. Well maybe not so small, but after about 30-45 minutes of sobbing and yelling at myself (in my head) I finally got the courage up, pressed the button and nothing happened, the bloody thing did not go off. Well that was the final straw, and the meltdown took on epic proportions. I don't know how kids do this to themselves, and I know there are a lot of kids with arthritis who used this drug. So I sort of went into a dark funk for days, and I couldn't tell anyone (well my hubby knew).

Then the following Saturday night, I got a huge welt on my thigh at the first injection site (12 cms across by 9 cms wide), hot, red and painful. It was worse on the Sunday morning, the day to give myself the 3 injection. So off I went to the GP After Hours at the local hospital, sat there for over 2 hours, finally saw the Doctor and apparently it was a delayed allergic reaction! 14 days after the event no less. So his advice was not to take the 3rd injection, but to go onto anti-histamines and to use the ointment he prescribed and to give myself the injection today.

So on Friday, what do I spy, but a large red area on my big toe, so off to the doctor that afternoon, and I have an infection near my toenail. Her advice, no injection today as I can not use Enbrel if I have an infection.

I saw my normal GP on Wednesday between the GP After Hours and Friday just gone and she phoned my rheumy about the allergic reaction, his advice is to ice the area 10 minutes before injection and to stay on anti-histamines for the next 3 months. Really is it worth all this? My GP also mentioned that a small percentage of people using Enbrel find the pain of the injection (not the needle itself but the solution) so bad that they can not bring themselves to inject. What's the bet that is me???

So on a totally different note, it is so bloody humid here in Perth at the moment that I am really struggling, and let me say it is making me very grumpy to be around. Somehow I don't think a trip to the tropics is going to happen any time soon. Last night the humidity here was hovering between 88-90% from 12am to 4 am, needless to say, I didn't get much sleep. Even now it is back up to 70%, cloudy and feels like it needs to rain. And yes, I am such a tragic that I check the local weather site, which is about 1 km from where I live, on my iPad in the middle of the night - I am turning into my mother (love you Mum).

However, all the humidity is giving my lovely frangipanis a growth and flowering flourish, so here are some photos I thought I would share

This is one of our 2 tricolours although the white is

not so noticeable until they age a little

We have 3 whites

This gorgeous hot pink

And this is one of my new ones, it is called orange-yellow and it is stunning

I still have 3 reds which are not flowering yet and another new one, which is supposed to be pink and white but it has not thrown up any flower spikes yet, but boy is it growing.

Thanks for popping by, and a special thanks to the wonderful Elephant's Child for all her support via email.

Well That F'ing Hurt

First of all Happy New Year lovely people out there in the Blogosphere - hoping that you are all looking forward to a great 2012. May it be filled with love, laughter, happiness and good health. May all your dreams come true, this is my wish for you. xxx

Now onto the F'ing Hurt bit!!!

If you have been reading here for a while you will know that I have a couple of types of arthritis, and pain - especially if standing or walking for long, is something I have become familiar with. During 2011 I have been on 2 different types of medication, both with great side effects like nausea and diarrhoea, hair loss, dry skin and sleepless nights. Just the sort of thing you like to add on the top of Menopause - lol. Although I have lost 8 kgs since the end of July - not a great way to lose weight, but I suppose it is a bonus if you use the glass half full method.

Finally in late November my rhuematologist applied to the Federal Government to see if I could move to the new biological drugs, very expensive, and so to get them at a reasonable price you have to try the older drugs to see if they work. For me, they didn't. Now these new wonder drugs are not tablets or pills but you have to inject them. This is a big deal for me, I remember running around a doctors surgery once when I was a child, to avoid a flu needle - needless to say, I didn't get the needle that time. As I grew up, I can say that I gradually got over my fear of getting needles from someone else (although there is always a little bit of fear there still) and blood tests are like a walk in the park and don't worry me at all. So maybe it is the thought of something going into my body rather than out of it that is my phobia.

But giving myself a needle, well that is a whole different story. So the Doctor asked for an auto-inject pen, like an epi-pen, rather than pre-filled syringes. Like that was going to take away my fear!

So mid-December the approval came through and off my hubby went to the Chemist to get my new meds - you have to take an esky as they need to be kept cold. When he got home we discovered that they had given us the syringes even though the script very clearly said pens.

So after some jumping up and down, the chemist agreed to get the pens in. They took a week and arrived just before Christmas, and they have sat in the fridge, just waiting for me to get up the courage to use them.

Lots of people, kindly suggested having my hubby do the injections for me, but I don't want him to be my nurse, he already does so much for me, and I don't want to cross that line any time soon.

So this morning, when hubby had gone out, I took the pen from the fridge, let it get to room temperature, took off the white cap, swabbed my thigh, applied the pen and then pressed the button. It f'ing hurt like a wasp, bee, and bull ant were all biting me at the same time, not the needle but the fluid, it was like injecting acid under my skin (not that I know what injecting acid would be like but you get the drift). I was so tense about it all, I burst into hysterical sobs, but somehow I held it there until it finished. Which to be honest was only a few seconds, but even afterwards, my thigh stung for quite a while.

So I managed to do it once, now I just have to find the courage to do it again next Sunday, and the Sunday after, and the Sunday after for at least 12 weeks to see if it has made a difference.

All I can say is ... crap, this better work.

From My Heart

I am struggling a lot at the moment, struggling with little things, struggling with big things, trying to make sense out of who I am now and where I am going in the future.

I still put on the face, the smile, when I go out the door. It is there most of the time for my hubby too, although I know that he knows it is a mask. How do I know that, well he is even more attentive, even more loving, doing even more around the house ... and that overwhelms me. In a big way.

Today I had an injection in my lower spine to try again to solve the problem of my pain. I took the day off work as the injection was in the middle of the day, but thought I could go tomorrow, seems I have to have one more day off, which is not a bad thing in some ways.

But this morning, I was so sick, so nauseous, Stemetil didn't touch it, wave after wave of nausea - so bad that my jaw was clenching. I was wrung out by the time I had to go for my appointment.

I struggled to understand why I was feeling so bad. I mean I am still struggling with the side effects of the drug I stopped a couple of weeks ago, my GP said it would take at least 6-8 weeks to get out of my system and so I could still expect the side effects from this low does chemo drug. But this was more than that, and then I realised ... I have been laying all my hopes, ALL OF THEM on this one injection, and I was sick from the thought that this would not work, just as the one before did not work.

My reality is that I now can not stand or walk for very long at all. And if I can not get this pain under control, then there is no future, well not the future I had planned. One of travelling and seeing places and doing stuff. I don't see the point of paying lots of money if all I can do is sit, apart from the fact that my hubby is a doer type of guy. But because he loves me so much I know he will sit with me, but he will be bored, and neither of us would be happy.

I married young, I had my children young, I have worked hard, thinking that when we retire we can do all the things we wanted, get a caravan and travel, fly overseas and travel. Travel, it is and was the basis of what I saw us doing ... now I see sitting at home as my future. I am nearly 56, this is not the future I imagined.

Of course, there is another type of drug with nausea and diarrhea as a side effect that I can try, and if that does not work there are the expensive drugs and maybe one of those will work. So it is not all over just yet, but for some reason my heart is not confident. Please let me be wrong.