A Birthday Dawns So Far Away

There is a girl

Lives over the waves

Who brings love and joy

To our lives

We wish we were there

To celebrate today

Your birthday

As it dawns

The time is different

So you may see

This wish for you

Before the sun that rises 

And brings your birthday to be

Have a wonderful day K, we miss you so much and feel blessed that you have become part of our family. Thank you for all you bring to our youngest daughter's life, and indeed to our lives too.

If I could have my way I would wish you here so that all the family could meet the beautiful soul that you are.

There is much more I want to say, but I know that you would hate that, so this little poem is meant for you from the bottom of my heart.

Wishing you love, laughter and happiness always as you deserve nothing less in your life xxx

I Can't Change Even If I Wanted To ...

Today I was watching Ellen for a few minutes while eating lunch before going to physio.

This is what I saw, this is what I heard, this is what spoke to me ... so Tony Abbott and Julia Gillard - it's about time you really listened, as the mother of four beautiful adult children, two of whom are gay, they deserve to marry if they choose to, just like my other two children ...

I can't change even if I wanted to ... listen to that beautiful voice, really listen  ... my love, my love, she keeps me warm

Don't we all deserve that??

How could you not love this face?

Hubby sent me this photo yesterday morning.  He was playing around with his new camera.  I mean, how could you not love this little face??

Good morning Grandma

This is what greeted me this morning when logging onto Facebook.  Photos of my littlest grand-daughter smiling up at her older sister.  The first blossoming of real smiles, the forging of bonds between sisters.

These are the things that keep me going every day, little surprises of such an adorable nature.

I hope you are having a wonderful weekend wherever you are.  xxx

Photo A Day - February Challenge - Day 14

Given that today is Valentine's Day I thought I would share a scan of a photo - us on our Wedding Day. This is not the "you can kiss the bride" shot - this is part of our vows, which we wrote ourselves, where we seal our promise to each other with a kiss. We are still together nearly 33 years later, so this lifetime promise is one we have chosen to keep. Love you honey - Happy Valentine's Day.

The Smell of Roses

The other night I walked into my darkened study after a long day at work to turn my computer on - my senses are overwhelmed by the smell of roses. There on my desk is a vase of beautiful roses from our garden. One guess who put them there for me to enjoy. I love this man more and more each day and after nearly 33 years together I didn't think that was possible. And while the roses are now open, every day when I come home my study smells of roses ... one of my favourite smells of all time.

Swings And Roundabouts

Life is full of swings and roundabouts, seems I have been on a swing for a while - lots of ups and downs, more downs than ups if my last post is anything to go by. But I am pleased to say I am off that swing for a while and maybe on a roundabout - who knows, I suppose time will tell.

First I would like to say thank you to those who reached out to me after my last post - your friendship, love and caring meant so much to me. You know who you are and let me say that taking the time to ring me and email me (via FB) meant the world to me. You are truly good friends who mean the world to me. To those in my family who also checked on me and cared for me I also say thank you for your continued love.

I have had a particularly busy 3 weeks at work and was worn out to say the least, my darling hubby saw this (now I am not sure if he saw or if someone gave him a heads up and I don't really need to know the motivation I'm just thankful) and decided I was going to go to Adelaide with him last week. Well he did ask if I would like to, it wasn't a demand.

So off we flew last Monday afternoon and came back late on Friday afternoon - and it was the best thing for both of us - me, as I got to totally relax and read and sleep and wander around town and have lunch with him a couple of times. We got to go out for dinner and drinks, we got to sit side by side and watch telly and sleep in the same place (well sometimes I slept on the couch as the bed hurt my back) but at least we were in the same city. He got to come home and be welcomed by a relaxed wife who was in the right frame of mind to support him as he unloaded the frustrations of his day. We got to cuddle on the verandah while looking out at the lights of the city, we got to laugh with each other over funny things we saw, he got to take me to his favourite sushi place for lunch.

He is home for my birthday tomorrow and then flies out Weds morning but won't be back for 10 days - this coming weekend is the cut-over for the software program he has been working on - he will be exhausted when he gets back and I just wish I could be there for him during this time but I need to be in Perth - so while I am off the swing it seems he is about to jump on board.

Swings and roundabouts - life is full of them, I am so glad we have each other as we swap the playthings of life.

Friendship and Love

Last Friday I had lunch with one of my 'sisters' and we were talking about relationships and I came out with what I later considered to be brutal truths. Normally I am reluctant to say much about other people's relationships as I don't want to hurt people. I then worried all weekend that I may have overstepped the mark and so many times went to pick up the phone and call, but never had the courage.

Today I apologised for what I said. Having reflected all weekend I realised that I said what I said out of love for her, as I believe that she deserves to have a perfect life - she is full of love and caring for others, she deserves to be rewarded with the same love and caring in return.

She was not worried about what was said at all, as she could see why I was compelled to be so honest with her and appreciated my honesty.

I also realised that in the last 4 days I for the first time have said the words I love you to two of my sisters - I hope that they knew that through my actions, but for some reasons the words tumbled out of my mouth to both of them. Boy it felt good to say it out loud, I wonder if we actually say those three simple words often enough to the people in our lives that we love. We assume that they know through our actions - but maybe we need to say the words as well.

Raindrops On Roses

My favourite things ...

Raindrops on roses = my favourite flowers - roses and frangipanis

Whiskers on kittens - my favourite animals = cats and orangutans

Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens - my favourite season = autumn, snuggled with a good book as gentle breezes blow and soft rain falls on the window.

Brown paper packages tied up with string = my favourite surprise = when I am working in the kitchen and my hubby comes up behind me and kisses my neck or gives me a cuddle

Cream coloured ponies and crisp apple strudels = my favourite food - chocolate

Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles = my favourite treat - visiting friends to share a meal

Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings = my favourite part of the day - a full moon in a cloudless night sky all yellow as it rises over the hills

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes = visits from my grand-daughters

Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes = cold winter nights snuggled in bed under my favourite blanket

Silver white winters that melt into spring = crisp frosty mornings

When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favourite things and then I don't feel so bad. Hurry home my sweet man - 5 sleeps without you is almost too much to bear.

The Black Dog

I think it was Winston Churchill that spoke of his 'black dog' that was always with him. I imagine that all of us have had one accompany us at some time in our lives, I also imagine that sometimes it is just a wee little dog and other times can be a large aggressive dog.

Luckily for me so far the dog I carry has been mostly small and well behaved and if and when he starts to get a little out of control I have had the ability to reassert that I am the master - sometimes with a cry, sometimes with a slamming door, sometimes with removing myself from a situation.

However I have someone I love deeply who's black dog is much more aggressive, and it is hard to watch when that dog takes control and literally takes its master by the scruff of the neck and shakes its master around. I try to be as supportive as I can. I offer my love and my shoulder to lean on. I try and help to make sense of what seems to make no sense - this is a person who is one of the smartest I know and it is hard to watch them sometimes struggle with what seems like the easiest choices but when this dog has control no choice is easy. I wish I had a magic wand to make this black dog disappear, but I can do nothing but be there and watch and hope that just by being there I in some way help.

It seems that these large aggressive black dogs take the colour out of the day, take the warmth from the sun, take the joy from your soul. I hope the love I offer is a life raft and that the small moments of happiness - like a little girl running up behind you and wrapping their arms around your legs and cuddling in tight, or a a cat that snuggles in your lap and purrs loudly because he is trying to help or a wonderful lunch with friends is enough to keep you connected to the good things in your life. It is hard for me to know if this is enough as I have never really been in the same head space. But I keep hoping because to lose the love of my life is not someone I want to contemplate.

If you too are suffering in anyway, I pray that you have someone in your life that can help.

www.beyondblue.org.au

Self Love

So my appointment with Simon on Friday dealt with clearing my heart chakra (I know I spelt this wrong) - and issues of love came up. The first was the statement that 'love is suffering' - now that is a heavy one and I won't go into that here - but we turned it around to Love is Freedom and Love is Truth.

The other issue was how I love myself - or in my case - don't love myself. I suppose like a lot of other people I feel strange when I get praise, or someone compliments me just for being me. I now know I need to accept this praise and not only accept it but believe it.

I said in an earlier post I was comfortable with who I am, except for my weight, and I still hold that that statement is true. However, I don't see me the way other people do because my weight issue is always foremost in my mind. My husband loves me just for who I am, he can see me better than I see myself - all I see is a fat body that no one could possibly love. He still sees me for who I was when we met - or maybe he just loves me so much that fat body and all it doesn't matter to him. How lucky I am to have him in my life. Imagine how I would feel if I had a man that only cared about outward appearance and what other people think. I would be miserable. It is through his love that I can walk out the door each day and face the world.

So I have to work on loving myself just the way I am - it is hard though when my body always gets in the way. Not just the weight but yesterday my foot went into cramp just as I got into the car - luckily I wasn't driving. All the way home (20 mins) I had to massage it and stretch it and there I am in my head thinking how can I love myself when all seems to be going wrong. What is there really to love about this overweight broken down body. And tears roll down my face and I turn my head so he can't see. And even as I write this I cry. How do I turn it around. How do I love myself. And yet I must and I will - just another journey I need to go on to come out the other side a better and stronger person.

I Just Blogged To Say I Love You

To all my family and to all my friends.

I would like to say "I Love You From The Bottom Of My Heart".

For no other reason than that you are you and that you mean the world to me.

Have a wonderful weekend. You are in my thoughts always.

Love and kisses.

You Just Can't Help Smiling

You just can't help smiling and feeling your heart burst with love when a little munchkin is waiting to greet you at the door, banging her hands on the wire screen and yelling in baby talk at the top of her voice, then waving madly as you get closer. When you open the door the munchkin runs around in circles before running at you with her hands in the air and saying Up (well trying to anyway) so you can give her a cuddle.

You just can't help feeling your heart burst with love when the chicken, who is almost all grown up (well she is taller than me and I'm 5' 7") snuggles up to you at the movies and doesn't care who sees, just because she loves having cuddles with her Grandma.

You can't help feeling special when the munchkin pops her little hand in yours and leads you around the backyard or to her bedroom to share something special.

You can't help feeling special when the chicken grabs hold of your hand when you are walking through the shopping centre together - just because she can.

You can't help feeling very loved when a grandchild rings you pretty much every night just because she wants to share her news and our own special "how much do I love you" message.

While the love you have and receive from your own children is very very special and if you are as lucky as me causes you great joy. Then the love you have and receive from your grandchildren transcends even words.

Having been blessed once with the birth of my first grandchild and then to very nearly lose her in a car accident just before her 5th birthday - has made me count my blessings for not only having her as part of my life but that she is alive and a big part of my life.

Then early in 2008 being blessed again with the birth of my second grandchild when I had convinced myself that I was only every going to be blessed with one blew me away.

They are such a beautiful part of my life and how happy I am now to have them both in the same State - even though there is 11 1/2 years difference between them this has given me time to appreciate and love them both in their own right. To my munchkin and chicken - I love you to the moon and back, and the stars and back and way out into the universe and back.

True Love

I have always know that my darling husband loves me, even those times in our life together when he was too busy to pay me much attention. It has always been the little things, the way he touches my hair while I am reading and he is walking past, the way he rubs my back when I am washing up, the times he rings me when he is away just to see that I am okay, the way he holds my hand when we walk together, the way he kisses me ... he has rarely bought me flowers or expensive gifts, in fact once he bought me a car aerial as a present which we still laugh about - I needed it and we were short of money at the time so it was practical and I suppose in that way a romantic gift after all he knows how much I love my music in the car.

It doesn't mean we don't fight - we have had some doozies over the years, but in the scheme of things not many at all.

But his concern and love for me is a blessing that I gratefully accept.

Last week we went to Adelaide - where he is working every week - flies out Sundays or Mondays and back on Thursday nights. It has been a strain on both of us but it is something he has to do. So this last week he flew me over with him so we could be together each morning and night. Qantas lost my luggage and it had all my meds in the bag (the first time I have ever put them in the check-in luggage, and the last) and I was really laid back about the whole thing. But DH worried his heart out, ringing Qantas to check, ringing me to make sure I was okay, ringing Qantas again, then ringing me again and so on all day. I think he was worried he would come back to the room to find me dead or dying - I really am not that fragile. But it reinforced how much he loves me and how he would miss me if I was not in his life.

It would be wonderful if everyone could find their soul mate, their true love. And if you haven't found him yet - don't be fooled by the flashy gifts and the flowers, it is the little things that really show how much you are loved - well it is in my book anyway.

I love you darling with all my heart.

Loneliness

Isn't it strange that you can be lonely when surrounded by people. Sometimes my soul is lonely, I don't know why and maybe it is not so much that it is lonely but that it is sad. Sad that my hubby has to go away again tomorrow and won't be back until Thursday night. He has been working away every week in Adelaide for over six months, and the only time he has been here for more than a weekend was when his Mum died and over Christmas and when we had 2 weeks holiday together in November.

I miss the little things when he is away ... the way he gives me kisses for no reason, the way he comes and strokes my hair as he walks past when I am watching TV, the cups of tea he makes for me, the way he rubs my back when it hurts (even though he doesn't know how to massage the warmth of the rubbing helps) ... it's the little things I miss.

And so here I am today surrounded by people I love including my adorable nearly 1 year old grand-daughter and yet my soul feels lonely and a little sad because tomorrow he will be gone again. I hope he knows just how much I love and miss him. I try not to tell him how much I miss him because I know that will make him sad too and because he has suffered from depression in the past I don't want to make him sad. It is just that I love him soo much and I don't feel whole when he is not around.

My God

Before I start this post let me say I don't mean to offend any one's faith, these are just my thoughts and feelings and while I respect what you believe I ask you to do the same of me. If you have really strong beliefs and think you might take issue with me being honest about how I see God, then please don't read this post. If you do choose to read it and take offence that is your choice not my intent.


Do I believe there is a God? Yes.

Do I believe that this God is all caring and loving? Yes.

Do I believe that we as humans are a random act of the universe eg big bang theory? No

Do I follow the doctrine of a religion? Not any more. Why? Well here's why.

My Grandma Win went to Church and sometimes took me - she went to a Church of Christ and for a short time I went to Sunday School and Youth Group there. My mother was christened into the Church of England. But essentially I was brought up in a non-religious household. When I started high school I was sent to a Catholic college for girls as my Mum thought I would get a better education there - and I did. However going to a Catholic school as a non-Catholic I had to do catechism classes. I excelled at these classes because I had an inquisitive mind and I used to push the boundaries (and the limits) of the Nun that taught us. I asked the hard questions - and to me there are a lot of inconsistencies in what the Catholic Church teaches. However, I gained a respect for the strong beliefs of the Nuns - I never became Catholic but it is a religion full of beautiful traditions (and unfortunately as time has shown some bad people). When my children were young we got involved in Girls Brigade as I wanted them to have strong morale principles that were reinforced not just by my husband and my ethos of life but by understanding the concepts of God. It was also a way of my girls becoming friends with other girls and having fun. I could have chosen Brownies but didn't get a lot out of that when I was a child. During this time I developed some very strong friendships with some beautiful Christian women who I admired greatly. There were however things that happened within the Church that eventually drove me away. These things were man's doing not Gods. However none of this changed my belief in a power greater than us.

So the God I believe in loves us all. I don't know if my God is a male or female, I think that people believe in a male God because traditionally the male of the family is the provider and protector. All I know is that I asked this God to be part of my life and he/she/it now lives in my heart and soul.

My God is forgiving of the humanness within all of us, after all that is what makes us human and a child of God. This doesn't mean that my God condones murder, rape, beating your wife or husband or child or any of the other horrible things that we humans are capable of doing. But it does mean that he loves us with a pure heart and expects us to do the same.

Now here is where my thoughts really stray from that of the conservative Church. They would have us believe that being gay is a sin, that to love someone of the same sex breaks all of God's rules. So that if you are gay you either have to pretend you are not (hence living a lie and isn't lying a sin?) or deny yourself love because God doesn't love you enough to understand who you are, that He only sees you as a perversion to His plan. So if you follow that train of thought two of my children are not children of God because they are gay. So the Church would have me abandon those I love, those that I gave birth to and love more than my life is worth because we are not supposed to associate with those that don't walk in the path of the Church. I don't believe that God feels that way at all, in my heart, where my God resides he/she/it tells me another story.

It doesn't matter whether you as a woman love a man or a woman or if you as a man love a man or a woman. If you love that person with a pure heart then you are doing exactly what my God does - that is loving us with a pure heart.

It doesn't matter what your religion is - if you believe that God loves with a pure heart how could that same God not love you just because you happen to love someone of the same sex with that same pure heart? I don't believe It is about who you have sex with - it comes down to how you love.

If you ask that question of most people who follow the teachings of a Church (and I have asked quite a few) - no matter what their religion is - they will tell you that is what it says in the Bible (I use that term to represent the Koran and whatever the Jewish word for Bible is) - Men should only love woman (I don't think it actually mentions woman loving woman being a sin). But isn't the Bible man's translation of what God said, and hasn't man has gotten it wrong before. And doesn't man use the Bible's teachings to do exactly what God doesn't want us to do - hate others. It is man who starts wars and uses the Bible to justify them - not God. Would this loving God condone us killing others for him? I don't think so. Would this God ask us to live a lie? I don't think so.

So my God lives in my heart - I know because I can feel that power there - and loves me, loves those I love, gives me comfort when I need it, gives me strength when I have none and whether you call your God by another name doesn't your God not do the same for you. And should we not try and walk in the path of righteousness and not use religion as an excuse for our greed, intolerance (Iraq war to name one) and prejudices.

Would not the world be a better place if we all loved with a pure heart?

Call me naive, call me blasphemous, call me whatever you like - but this is what I believe, it is the truth that is in my heart, it is the religion I live by. May the world as a whole find a God who loves them with a pure heart and may that love shine forth from each of us. Maybe then and only then will we truly have peace in this world.

And if I am wrong and on my judgement day a different God judges me as not being of pure heart and soul because I dared to love my children for who they are, then I will accept that judgement. No God would ask a mother to abandon her children because of who they love.

2008 A Year of Loss & Much Joy

2008 has been both a year of loss and much joy for our family.

This year we have lost from our lives my hubby's Nanna and his Mother. His Nanna had just celebrated her 95th birthday when she died and what a life she had. She stood only 4 foot 11 inches tall (and was probably a little shorter when she died as we all shrink) but she was a tiny bundle of energy, love and joy. Although we didn't get to see her often as she lived in Victoria she was still a big part of our lives and we miss her greatly. Thank you Nanna for all you did for your family and for showing us that life can go on even after you bury 2 husbands. May I be blessed with your energy and lust for life as I enter my older years. You truly were the most wonderful woman and touched the lives of so many.

Then we recently lost my hubby's Mother and I won't say more than that now as I have spoken of her loss in other posts, but this loss is still raw for my hubby and will take time for his heart to heal, but heal it will. To my m-i-l, thank you for giving me your son, he is the love of my life.

Both these losses have been extremely hard on my hubby, his Nannas because not only had he lost her but it also bought up feelings he had not dealt with following his father's death. His Mother's death has left him an orphan and even though he is in his 50s that is still a major life step to come to terms with.

But we must remember that our year started with joy at the birth of our second grand-daughter in February. For those of you who don't yet have grandchildren I hope that you are blessed with them soon, they are the best gift life can give you. While your own children are a blessing, their blessing is tempered with life lessons that you learn on the job - after all parenting doesn't come with a manual. But grandchildren are here for you to love and be besotted with and only that. I thank the stars that I have been blessed twice and if twice is all I get then so be it as it is more than some ever get.

We have also been blessed this year with meeting our beautiful Swedish soon to be daughter in law. She has healed my daughter's heart and even though it will probably mean my daughter will end up living in Sweden as their marriage can only be recognised there I am so happy to see my daughter smiling again.

This year has also been the first year since my eldest grand-daughter's accident that she hasn't suffered any seizures and has not had to have any hospital stays. After the tough years she has had since 2001 we can only give thanks that she is now settling into what I hope is a life free from seizures. While she can never recover totally from her brain injuries, to live free of seizures would be the most wonderful gift of all.

Then in November we found out that our Sydney based daughter, son-in-law and grand-daughter are coming back to Perth in January 2009. I don't think the smile has really left my face much since hearing this news.

May 2009 bring only that which we can cope with and may the joy outweigh the sadness at all times but with those I love beside me then life can't be too bad.

Happy New Year xxx