An Empty Glass

Well this morning my glass feels very empty and I hope it will get back to half full some time soon.

Sometimes I get tired of being me with my aches and pains especially when I've had a night like last night. Despite my positive thinking my shoulder only allows me to sleep on the right side for about 20-30 mins and even then it is a weird feeling when I first lay on it, like something inside is grating against something else - hate to even think what that is. Then my left hip only allows me to sleep on that side for about an 1 hour before it starts to ache. Can't lie on my back for anymore than about 5 mins so that is never an option. So tossing and turning and trying to get into a comfortable position is what my night's are all about, hence I now sleep in the spare bed to give me hubby a break and allow him to sleep. All of that I can normally cope with 9 out of 10 nights.

But add to that the fact I was hot even with the overhead fan on, then I had the cramp crap that happens at least once a month - not menstrual camps but foot and leg cramps, usually in my left leg and foot and I am sure it is something to do with my back.

So I get into bed and my foot starts twitching (although twitching is not exactly what happens but is the best way to describe it) and so I know that sometime in the night I will end up with a cramp and there is nothing at all I can do about it.

So every time I wake up the twitching is getting worse and now I can also feel it deep within my calf as well. I do my best to get comfortable and go back to sleep but I am waiting for the inevitable and so my sleep is at best light. Because if I don't wake up in time the cramp will be so bad that it takes hours for it to really go away. In the end I get up and walk around hoping that will help, and of course as soon as I stand up my heel spurs pick that moment to hurt, so walking is painful but walk I do in the hope it may help, not that it ever does, but the twitching is driving me crazy. Then back to bed and the waiting begins again, and by now I am really tired and teary and trying to self-talk to myself that just maybe the cramp won't happen.

Then about 5 am it strikes in the middle of dream - they are always in my dreams - and my hubby is there and I'm calling to him "help me my foot is cramping" and in the dream he doesn't respond and the cramp gets worse and then I am awake and scrambling out of bed trying to get upright so I can put some pressure on my foot and straighten it out. Then I am walking again, up and down the hallway, trying not to wake my hubby and feeling like I just want to scream and punch the wall in frustration. And my calf is still twitching, so do I go back to bed and risk it or stay up and just get even more angry. At least if I can get back to sleep I can't be angry at what my body has become. And so I go back to bed and try lying on my back with my legs stretched straight as sometimes that feels better, but of course the longer I lie on my back the sorer my lower back gets and so I have to roll on my side and eventually fall asleep just waiting for my calf to cramp. Luckily last night my calf doesn't cramp up. And I know I should be happy it hasn't but if it follows the patterns of late it will happen tonight or tomorrow night because when I get that twitchy feeling it means it is just lying there waiting until I am asleep enough to come out and grab my calf in a vice and twist.

And so, here I am feeling bloody tired and brooding about tonight when it is about 12 hours away but both my legs and feet are still twitching ever so slightly and my lower back is really sore. You could say I am feeling pretty sorry for myself and I hate it when I have to admit that my glass is empty and not half full - maybe retail therapy will help. But no I will just self-talk myself back to happy as all other alternatives are just not an option in this grey mind space I am in.