Grandma Joys

I loved being a Mother as my children were growing up, it was hard work, but it was my life's work, it was what I was born to do. Being a Grandma - that is the icing on the cake.

Grandchildren just love you, they trust you, they don't see you as the bad guy.

Then there are the little added extras, like your littlest grand-daughter kissing you goodbye as she is settling to have a nap, giving you a big hug and telling you that she is going to miss you when she wakes up.

Or the biggest grand-daughter ringing to chat so she can share her day with you, the good, the bad and the ugly, but with an open honesty that is refreshing.

Grandkids, they make my life complete.

From My Heart

I am struggling a lot at the moment, struggling with little things, struggling with big things, trying to make sense out of who I am now and where I am going in the future.

I still put on the face, the smile, when I go out the door. It is there most of the time for my hubby too, although I know that he knows it is a mask. How do I know that, well he is even more attentive, even more loving, doing even more around the house ... and that overwhelms me. In a big way.

Today I had an injection in my lower spine to try again to solve the problem of my pain. I took the day off work as the injection was in the middle of the day, but thought I could go tomorrow, seems I have to have one more day off, which is not a bad thing in some ways.

But this morning, I was so sick, so nauseous, Stemetil didn't touch it, wave after wave of nausea - so bad that my jaw was clenching. I was wrung out by the time I had to go for my appointment.

I struggled to understand why I was feeling so bad. I mean I am still struggling with the side effects of the drug I stopped a couple of weeks ago, my GP said it would take at least 6-8 weeks to get out of my system and so I could still expect the side effects from this low does chemo drug. But this was more than that, and then I realised ... I have been laying all my hopes, ALL OF THEM on this one injection, and I was sick from the thought that this would not work, just as the one before did not work.

My reality is that I now can not stand or walk for very long at all. And if I can not get this pain under control, then there is no future, well not the future I had planned. One of travelling and seeing places and doing stuff. I don't see the point of paying lots of money if all I can do is sit, apart from the fact that my hubby is a doer type of guy. But because he loves me so much I know he will sit with me, but he will be bored, and neither of us would be happy.

I married young, I had my children young, I have worked hard, thinking that when we retire we can do all the things we wanted, get a caravan and travel, fly overseas and travel. Travel, it is and was the basis of what I saw us doing ... now I see sitting at home as my future. I am nearly 56, this is not the future I imagined.

Of course, there is another type of drug with nausea and diarrhea as a side effect that I can try, and if that does not work there are the expensive drugs and maybe one of those will work. So it is not all over just yet, but for some reason my heart is not confident. Please let me be wrong.

Weekend Rewind

Weekend Rewind is hosted by Alison at Life in a Pink Fibro, why don't you pop over to visit?

This week is your favourite post, a little hard to choose but this is the one I have chosen to share, My Wish For You hope you enjoy.

Friday Flowers - Pretty Little Faces with a Splash of Green

More Friday Flowers from our garden, pretty little faces of violas and the newly emerging pansies - both mass planted in 2 half wine barrels. And just for a splash of something different our out of control flat leaf parsley plants (there is a little curly leaf parsley and oregano in the pot too). It is doing so well I am regularly taking some into work to share, 'cause we can't eat it all. Mind you my littlest grand-daughter loves picking it fresh and eating it while she is over here playing.

The Fairy Garden Is Growing

A few weeks ago I shared the fairy garden outside my study window on Sunday Selections.

As with all magic, new mushrooms have appeared, surrounded by soft ferns. Have you got a fairy garden, bringing magic to your life?

Its the Small Things

As mentioned many times previously, I have a Charles Brunner climbing rose right outside my study window. On Sunday I looked out, daydreaming while doing some work and this little haloed flower caught my eye.

Soft pink bud, caught in the sunlight, softly glowing - just beautiful. The leaves and branches of the rose, softly swaying in the light breeze, the bright blue sky, the backdrop to all that is refreshing, soothing and lovely. A lovely winter's day.

What do you see out your window?

Sunday Selections - Karijini National Park (Pilbara Region of WA)

Kim over at Frog Ponds Rock hosts the weekly Sunday Selections meme, a chance to share photos that are sitting languishing in folders on your computer. You know the ones you mean to share and just don't get around to doing. Pop on over and check out all the others on offer, you won't be disappointed.

My selections this week are from my trip to the Pilbara Region of WA last August and are taken in and around the gorges of Karijini NP.

The Sound Of A Mother's Heart Breaking

All my life my children have been my world, the soul (and not that is not a spelling mistake) reason I exist. When I was young if you had asked me what I wanted to do with my life, the answer was to be a mother. I wanted 6 children and I was blessed with 4.

In August 2001 my heart broke when my eldest grand-daughter was involved in a car crash that left her with brain injuries and learning disabilities – I have blogged about this before and the impact it has had on my 2nd daughter's life.

In August last year my heart broke again when my eldest daughter gave birth to my grandson at around 17 weeks gestation, we never got to meet him, and though my daughter has taken huge steps to deal with her grief, I know that it is still there in the background, as it is in my heart too.

Then today I read this post on my youngest daughter’s facebook page and my heart broke again. (her words are here in italics)

I consider it a tiny part of who I am but the world continues to reference it as my defining characteristic. Whether I can marry the person I love or be a parent to the child who stole my heart depends not on the quality of my character but rather that I love someone of the same gender and sometimes it makes me wish that I wasn’t gay.

There is just something soul destroying about institutionalised, impersonal, legislative discrimination that I can’t put words to. I’m not just a number, I’m not my sexuality, I’m not trying to threaten or challenge anyone else’s lifestyle or thinking. I simply want to be able to marry my girlfriend and raise a child with her. I want the life that we dream of together and I can’t have that because people who don’t know me make decisions based on an element of who I am and of which I had no choice or control over. It invalidates me as a person and impedes my ability to dream of something all people should have the right to: a family.

And it frustrates me that I rarely give my sexuality a second thought. It’s really a tiny part of who I am but because it restricts my life in such ridiculous ways, I have to think about it. I have no choice about whether or not it is a big deal. Societal and governmental constructs dictate that it is. Fuck that noise. I want a quiet life with my wife and our kids. I never asked for anything but that and yet it’s constantly forced upon me by people who will never understand what it means to walk in my shoes, who will never understand what it means to feel second class or second rate, who will never question their ability to marry and have children but who consider a group of people a threat to society because they ask for the same privilege.

To a comment from a friend she wrote:

Thanks, and that’s at the heart of what I’m trying to say. I feel like in order to generate any change then I am forced to politicize my sexuality and I hate the idea of that. It shouldn't be a political issues to start with. To me, the things that the gay community agitates for are fundamental human rights. We should be able to take them for granted but instead we’re forced to fight for them at every turn.

I remember when I came out to my Mum, she cried and at first I thought I’d disappointed her in some way. When I asked her why she was upset she said it wasn’t because she was disappointed but that it was because she knew that my sexuality was going to make my life harder than it should be. I've never felt this was the case until now and to be honest, it hurts my heart.

It does more than hurt this Mother’s heart, it breaks it into little tiny pieces for there is little I can do other than offer my unconditional love and support.

No one should be defined by their sexuality, no one should have the right to stop anyone having happiness in their lives. No government, no religion, no person.

Friday Flowers - Limelight

Last Friday I showcased some of the roses from my garden, a week on the blooms are almost at an end and the vase is looking a little tired, although the scent is still wonderfully in that corner of my kitchen.

You may remember this yellow rose called Limelight, I mentioned it had little scent but a beautiful structure, here is the photo from last Friday.

And here it is now, even as it is fading in full bloom, it is the most delightful rose, so please indulge me while I share this same rose again, a little older but still holding it's beauty.

A Thankfulness Post - The Things That Keep Me Going

As previously written, there have been some dark days here of late, I am so over the pain my body suffers, I am over looking in the mirror and seeing my aging face looking tired and drawn with no energy. To be honest there are days when it all seems to much ... knowing that this is the beginning of this journey, I am no where near the end ... and the endless years stretch before me ... years and years of just this. My new meds are making no difference, their side effects more often than not ravage me ... I know the saying no pain, no gain, but too be truthful ... there is no gain here at all, zero.

Today is actually a good day, so I thought it might be good to write a thankfulness post, a way of keeping my glass half full.

So here are some of the things that keep me going ...

the love of my hubby, his caring, warmth and love surround me ... the soft and gentle kisses he gives me during the day, the way he rubs my back, the things he does every single day that keep me free of pain ... the housework, the cooking, so much each and every day

the love and laughter of my grand-daughters and the many, many photos of them I have that I can look at when ever my heart pleases, which is does often. They have no expectations of me, they love me just for who I am

the love of my children, my pride in how they are living their lives, the strength I see in them and knowing that I have had something to do with that

the warmth of Max, cuddling against my feet as I blog, he follows me from room to room, snuggling with me every chance he gets

these lovely autumn days, allowing me to lay on my bed in the afternoon (on the days I am not working), with the blinds open and the sun warming me softly while reading a book or taking a nap.

unexpected things, like a workmate acquaintance who looked at me the other day and really saw me, and told me he just wanted to give me a hug, and so I let him. He does not work closely with me, but he could see the pain and the tired eyes, and he reached out ... what a wonderful person

the support of the blogging community, all the lovely people who take the time to visit and comment that let me know I am connecting in some way to people. Who would have thought that all my regular visitors would mean so much to me, most of you I have not met In Real Life, but nevertheless, we all reach out to each other when something we blog touches a cord in our hearts.

So, I give thanks for all of the above and for the good days, maybe just maybe they will start outnumbering the bad ones and the smile will come back into my eyes and my heart.

Harmony - For A Moment Anyway

Our lovely old cat Jarmie (over 17 years now) is very, very patient with our Mad Max, but does not often tolerate him sleeping close by. So imagine my surprise when I went into my hubby's study the other day and found this.

Mind you about 5 minutes later Max was chewing on Jarmie's neck while Jarmie just patiently laid there. Hopefully one day before Jarmie leaves this mortal coil, they will quietly sleep side by side all the time!

Colour - Such A Hard Choice

I am in the process of deciding a colour for my study, paint wise that is. One wall will be painted in something quite vivid and on this wall will be white framed photos of my family and white painted words, a string of little lanterns may also feature on this wall.

Now my favourite colour has been aqua/turquoise for a long, long time, so you would think that would be the colour I would choose. But for some reason, green, lime green like my kitchen splashbacks is what is calling my name.

So using the huge Dulux swatch that I have for work, I was flicking through the green section and found a colour called Citrus Lime - looked great on the swatch, so off I went and got a sample pot. Got home and painted 2 coats on the wall - and no it was too yellowish in daylight, although perfect under the overhead light a night. So another perusal of the swatches and Tropical Light looked appealing, another pot and another trial and this looked great during the day but not right at night. So as they say, 3rd times a charm, and Melissa is now the great limey green I love during the day and at night.

So now it is just patching the wall, and boy does it need some patching, some undercoat and off we go. Mind you, I imagine it will be another 6 weeks until we are on holiday before it gets done, but I am excited.

Houston We Have A Problem!!

You know that cute little kitten of mine? The one called Max, aka Mad Max, well true to his normally mad self, he still runs around doing maddies, running all over the furniture and up the walls, climbing the flyscreens ... normal kitten sort of stuff. But he is 8 months old now and should be quietening down, and on some days he is a little more sedate.

But 2 days ago he learnt to fly, well leap really. And where does he fly/leap to? Onto my kitchen bench - naughty, naughty Max!! So the squirt bottle is there and regularly used, but I kinda think that when we are not home he is up there walking around going na na na you can't stop me. 'Cause he has that sort of teenage attitude. Like when I squirt him, he runs off growling at me, because obviously he thinks he is the king of the house. Well the reality is much different, so be warned little man of mine - this lioness runs this roost.

Weekend Rewind - the R & R Edition

This week's Weekend Rewind, hosted by Alison at Life in a Pink Fibro is all about rest and relaxation.

My 2 posts are about my first overseas trip, while not all rest and relaxation, I certainly had the best time, so if you have a moment please read this post from before I left and this post from when I got home.

Friday Flowers - From My Rose Garden

On the third day of winter here in Perth, the temperature is a cool 18C, with blue skies, a very gentle breeze, the Friday of a long weekend. In our garden, our roses are having their last flourish before pruning, and what a flourish it is. The long hot summer and autumn have made our roses thrive, along with the newly installed bore that regularly waters them 3 nights a week.

One rose has special significance for me, it was the rose we planted in memory of the little grandson we never got to meet, it is called Shocking Blue, and while not a 'blue' rose, it is a fragrant lilac. In the last couple of weeks we have cut around 12 blooms just from this rose alone. Every time I lean into the vase to inhale it's beautiful scent, my joy is tinged with a sense of regret. On checking the roses this afternoon I found another 3 buds that will be ready to cut in a day or tow.

In the vase on my bench in my kitchen, these lovely Shocking Blue blooms are surrounded by a Just Joey bud, a bud and some blooms from my other favourite rose Double Delight, a couple of buds of a new yellow rose called Limelight, which while not strongly scented have the most lovely waxy shape and gorgeous colour. And last but not least a single bloom from a new pink rose called Best Friend - the scent of this one just blows your mind - it is divine.

And don't you think that my lime green splashbacks are a perfect foil for these delightful roses? I do!!