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Friday, August 19, 2011

Heavy Hearted

Today is the first anniversary of the loss of my unborn grandson (at around 16-17 weeks gestation). My heart is heavy with the loss of my little frog prince.

I know that a lot of people, including some in my family I suppose, will not understand how I can still be mourning a grandson that I never got to meet. One that was lost so early in his development.

I suppose I wonder that myself sometimes.

But I remember the joy at the phone call from my daughter just after she had a positive pregnancy test.

I didn't know it was a a little boy until just before he left. But, just like his parents, I was already dreaming of holding him, of bonding, of loving him as much as my 2 grand-daughters.

I felt their pain when it all began to go wrong. I gave them my shoulder so they had someone strong to lean on. I cuddled my littlest grand-daughter when her parents had to go to hospital, knowing they would come home without him. I know how much it tore my daughter's heart out, I know the emptiness she still feels.

My grandchildren mean so much to me. Their unconditional love, the bond I have with both of them. There was room for one more, and so I miss him, the thought of him, the smell of him, the warmth of him.

Sweet rest my little frog prince, Grandma misses you so much and will always love you. May angels look after you forever. xxx


  1. You feel like you know them already when all they are is a promise.

  2. Heart hurting. And it is a grief that stays. I am loving that you remember him and cherish him, and so sad that missing him hurts you and your daughter so much.

  3. Oh Kakka... tears. xoxo

    I remember this well, too, because it was concurrent with my own grief. Still remember your comments about it on my post. Just so sad. Holding you all the way from Kansas. xoxo

  4. Of course there is all the grief for what was supposed to be, that is why you miss him and grieve him, for all that could have been. My thoughts are with you and your daughter and her family on this anniversary xxx

  5. You have moved me to tears, what a touching tribute... I'd be mourning the loss as well, love like that starts in an instant, and its inextinguishable. Thinking of you all xx

  6. Sobsad do you ever get over the lose of a baby, how ever old I don't think so. Take care.

  7. 31 years later I still think of the baby I miscarried at 7 weeks gestation. It was on Mother's Day that I lost her. I know 7 weeks is too early to know the sex, but in my heart I knew she was a girl.

  8. Thank you all for leaving me these beautiful and supportive comments. They helped ease the burden of yesterday.

    It is the promise of what could have been as many of you have said that leaves the hole that is hard to heal.

    @River, I am so sorry for your loss and that you never got to meet your little girl. xxx

  9. I'm sorry I wasn't online yesterday, so I didn't get this. I kind of love you more for grieving for him. For him being so real to you. I've lost 3 babies, one of them in the early second trimester, and most don't want to acknowledge them as real. But they are, so real, to us.

    I'm sorry for your entire family's loss. My love to you, K. As always, you are such a beautiful, wonderful woman and your daughter is lucky to have your love and support.

  10. I found you through Melissa at TTITY.
    I'm so sorry for your loss.

  11. I read this the day you wrote it and have been thinking about it so seriously. You know you have my love and a full understanding of how you lament the loss of a baby boy that was not meant to share the love of the family. I lost a baby (first trimester), a grandchild (also first trimester) and then a great-grandchild and I often spare a thought for all of them and wish they could have been part of our family life. There are reasons things happen that we never fully understand and it is sometimes so terribly difficult to accept that these things do happen, but happen they do to so many of us. You will always have a place in your heart for your little lost grandson and hopefully as time goes by the hurt will lessen and the love will deepen. I love you so much and the rest of our family too. xx



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